
There's no coincidence that Gemini season is one of the busiest, social times of the year. The month starts off with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, making this the perfect time to set intentions for new ways to share your truth.
Mercury, the planet of communication, moves into sentimental Cancer on the 4th, bringing a softness to our interactions this month. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini, amping up the flirtatious energy. During this transit, it's common to attract more eccentric, carefree connections that bring out your inner wild child. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius encourages you to not only be optimistic about your goals but to also take bold action (think of the Knight of Wands in the Tarot).
It's one thing to hope for a better tomorrow but what actions are you taking in the now to align yourself with where (and who) you'd like to be?
Neptune goes retrograde on the 21st for the next several months making this an ideal time to take your spiritual development even further. When Neptune is direct, we tend to take a more idealistic approach to life but when the planet of illusion goes retrograde, our perspective becomes that much more clear. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day, bringing the collective focus to family, home, and our roots (and also getting us ready for Eclipse season next month). On the 26th, Mercury moves into fierce Leo, making our conversations even more lively and passionate with a side of drama.
Check out your zodiac sign's monthly horoscope below to see what June has in store for you:
Aries

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The month begins with a New Moon on the 3rd encouraging you to try something new when it comes to communicating your truth. This is a great time to start a new blog, initiate that YouTube channel, or share your thoughts from a more authentic space. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, making family matters the topic of discussion, whether you're squashing beef with your loved ones or planning to start your own family with your partner. Venus moves into adventurous Gemini on the 8th, which could bring an opportunity to travel with bae or meet someone different than your usual type. Social media dating is favorable during this transit as well as meeting someone at a seminar or conference.
Enjoying what you love is a good way to attract someone on the same wave as you.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in your sister sign, Sagittarius, gives you a much-needed boost of energy as well as a defining breakthrough moment as it pertains to higher learning, publishing, and your spiritual beliefs. This is an opportune time to reveal that project you've been working on. Full Moons can also result in endings, like parting ways with an old spiritual path, philosophy, or mentor that no longer resonates with you. Neptune goes retro on the 21st, encouraging you to dive deeper into your wealth of spiritual wisdom. Your dreams will be even more enhanced providing you with the guidance you seek. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day making home and family top priority for the next month. June wraps up with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th, adding even more passion, romance, and adventure to your world.
Taurus

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June blossoms open with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, inviting you to set intentions for the material gain you'd like to make over the next lunar cycle. Your gift of gab will be a defining factor in your prosperity this month. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, which softens your connections with siblings, close friends, and neighbors. Taking a trip home is favorable under this transit. Venus, your ruling planet, moves into quirky Gemini on the 8th, which is attracting some unusual romantic candidates into your life. Keeping an open mind can actually land you in a connection, whether romantic or platonic, that brings out your own unique qualities that can give you more of an edge to help advance you financially. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius helps you release any unresolved emotional blockages that hinder you from feeling deeply connected to the people in your life.
You may often feel like no one really knows you. Well, here's your chance to finally be seen, heard, and known for all of your beauty and scars.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde, clearing out any illusions you've held around your social circle. This energy can manifest as someone being outed for some shady business but be grateful for revelations that come during this transit that will show you who your real friends are. During this transit, you'll also receive a wake up call about a long-term dream of yours that needs less wishful thinking and more hard work. The Sun moves into empathic Cancer the same day. Much of your interests and conversations over the next month will be about motherhood and your roots. Exploring your ancestry with your siblings can be a great way to bond at this time. The month closes out with Mercury moving into vivacious Leo on the 26th, enlivening your interactions with family making this a perfect time for a summer vacay with the ones you love.
Gemini

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Happy birthday, Gemmie! Your season has finally arrived and the month kicks off with a New Moon in your sign. You only get one New Moon a year so make the best of this by setting intentions for what you want to experience during this next year around the Sun. Mercury moves into Cancer on the 4th, bringing your focus to money and the practical matters of life. This is also a good time to nurture a new hobby that could potentially bring in additional revenue. On the 8th, Venus moves into your sign, making you the hottest hottie of the zodiac.
The road ahead is paved with good fortune and an overflow of love. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius highlights your closest relationships, whether it be your significant other or business partner. This time can mark a completion within one of your connections or simply the need to readjust your boundaries. On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde for the next several months, clearing the fog around your career path.
If you've been feeling lost when it comes to your life purpose, this transit can help you connect with the deeper truth of who you are and the work that you can do to make the world a better place.
Any issues with authority figures can be squashed during this transit thanks to a change in perspective that offers a clearer view of the dynamic. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day, which brings your focus to finances and how you make your money. This is a time to reassess how nurturing your work truly is. The month comes to a close with Mercury, planet of communication, moving into Leo on the 26th, making you super popular amongst your local scene. Writing, blogging, and anything that allows you to verbally express your star power is favored at this time.
Cancer

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The month begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd bringing your attention to your subconscious, dreams, and endings. Use the energy to release stagnant mental patterns and emotions that are likely tied to past life karma. It's time to reset before your b-day season so leave the baggage behind. On the 4th, Mercury moves into your sign, making you quite the busy bee. As popular as you are during this transit, you may prefer to retreat in the comfort of your home. Venus, planet of love, moves into Gemini on the 8th urging you to take a more private approach to love, making this the perfect "Netflix and Chill" transit. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius puts a spotlight on your daily routines, habits, and health. This is an opportune time to ditch bad habits with a fire ritual. Simply write down what you want to release and burn it under the light of the moon.
Neptune goes retro on the 21st up through November giving you the chance to dive deeper into study to refine your personal philosophies and spiritual development. During this transit, connecting with your Higher Self and spirit squad is easier than usual. The Sun moves into your sign on the same day making you the star of the show. Around this time, it's a good idea to start thinking about what you want to accomplish in the year ahead. If you're into rituals, wait until your New Moon in July as this energy is extremely supportive for you. The month closes out with Mercury, planet of communication, moving into Leo on the 26th. Conversation surrounding your finances are likely during this transit. This is a great time to bring hidden talents to the forefront.
Stop sleeping on yourself and resolve those issues surrounding your self-esteem to help you tap into the momentum of this transit. You have the ability to make a strong impression on those around you if you believe in yourself.
Leo

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Happy June, lioness! The month begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, making you even more popular than you already are amongst your friends. You may even consider collaborating towards a common goal with your social circle. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, making you more aware of subconscious patterns that inhibit you from experiencing the nurturing that you need. Mommy issues are likely to surface. Using your dreams and past life regression can help you get to the root of the issue. Venus moves into charming Gemini on the 8th and one of your friends wants to take things to the next level with you. Of course, it's up to you if you grant them the privilege of exiting the friend zone. On the 17th, the Full Moon in your sister sign, Sagittarius, lights up your dating life. This is a perfect night to get out there if you're open to love.
Your creativity is heightened at this time as well. If you've been working on a project behind the scenes, this is a great moment to release it to the world.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde in your house of shadows, making the next several months all about understanding the hidden parts of your personality. Any traumatic experiences you've endured can be seen through a more enlightened perspective that helps you release the binds within your psyche. The Sun moves into Cancer the same day, slowing down your momentum to get you ready for your birthday season. Don't get ahead of yourself! Enjoy this time to rest, replenish, and reconnect with yourself on a deeper level. The month closes out with Mercury moving into your sign on the 26th. You've got the gift of gab and you're open to sharing your knowledge with others. Keep in mind that with great power comes great responsibility.
Virgo

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The month begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, bringing your focus to career and achievements.
This is the perfect time to set intentions for what the success you want to achieve in the next moon cycle. Honoring your uniqueness will get you further than blending in with the crowd.
On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer and you're all about supporting social causes that hit home for you that tie into your long-term vision for your life. Venus, planet of love and money, moves into Gemini on the 8th which can have you eyeing someone in the workplace (or they can be eyeing you). Proceed with caution when mixing business with pleasure. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius brings a resolution to family quarrels. You may also consider ending a lease or moving around this time. On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde, helping you reassess your relationships with others with more clarity.
Any illusions you've built up around a particular partnership will likely dissolve, helping you see the truth of the situation and not just your projections of what you want it to be. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and you're more interested in connecting with those that make you feel emotionally safe. You'll likely be in the mood to play the role of nurturer for friends. This is great energy for volunteering with organizations that serve disenfranchised children and women. The month closes with Mercury, your ruling planet, moving into Leo giving you tons of energy but in a more quiet part of your chart associated with the subconscious. Keep a dream journal around this time to help you understand blockages that keep you from shining your star power.
Libra

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The month begins with a New Moon in your sister sign on the 3rd which is opening up doors for you in areas of travel and higher learning. Get your passport ready, jet-setter! Mercury, planet of communication, moves into Cancer on the 4th, bringing your focus to career and climbing the social ladder. As motivated as you are, it's important to keep your work-life balance in check. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini, making you super magnetic. If you're traveling around this time, love is definitely following you wherever you go.
The Full Moon in Sagittarius on the 17th highlights an important conversation that will transform the way you communicate your truth. If you work with the media or writing, this is the perfect time to share what you've been cooking up behind the scenes.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde and the next several months will be spent transforming your inner world as it's related to your health and well-being. This transit is supportive of kicking any bad habits, especially those that affect you mentally and/or physically. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day giving you the boost that you need to boss up. You're feeling more goal-oriented at this time, so use the energy to check off some things on your to-do list. The month closes out with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th, making you the center of attention amongst your friends. You could even be in the works of collaborating with your soul tribe to make your impact in the world.
Scorpio

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Summer is nearing and the month begins with a chatty New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd. Even the most private sign of the zodiac needs to express itself from time to time. Opt for a session with your therapist (or a trusted friend) instead of that bottle of booze. On the 4th, Mercury moves into your sister sign, Cancer, and you're feeling the wanderlust. A trip to the beach can be soothing for your spirit during this transit. This is also a good time to dive deep into research when it comes to spirituality and philosophy. Connecting with a mentor, or teaching others what you know, is favored at this time. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and you're feeling more open when it comes to sharing some of your well-kept secrets. Talking about your trauma, whether with a professional or loved one, can be extremely transformational.
The Full Moon in Sagittarius on the 17th provides a spiritual catharsis surrounding a longstanding issue about your self-worth.
You may decide to sever ties with an employer if your time, effort, and skills aren't being valued. On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde, helping you gain clarity to areas of romance and dating. Exploring your attachment style and early childhood can refine you spiritually. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and you're open to learning through new experiences, places, and cultures. Traveling abroad is favored but just make sure to plan thoroughly as we gear up towards another Mercury retrograde in July. The month closes out with Mercury, planet of travel and communication, bringing your full attention to career matters. You've got potential to make some major moves during this transit. Believe in yourself and turn on your charm!
Sagittarius

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There's lots of action taking place with the Sun in your opposite sign this month. June begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd welcoming fresh beginnings when it comes to relationships. You may be meeting someone very special who could play a significant role in your life, whether romantic or platonic. Mercury moves into Cancer on the 4th and you're diving deep into your psyche, possibly with the assistance of a therapist or a trusted friend. Take a nurturing approach to the skeletons that hide in your closet instead of pretending they don't exist. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and love matters are getting serious. This energy could bring in a serious soulmate and some of you may even be tying the knot during this transit.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in your sign frees you up from the chains that bind you in mind, body, and spirit. You are feeling renewed and energized especially if you've been processing some heavy relationship karma.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde for the next several months. You're encouraged to take this time to explore your roots and unravel any generational patterns that are hindering you from evolving into a better version of yourself. We transition into Cancer season on the same day. You're focused on nurturing your closest connections with little to no interest in anything surface-level. Any fears or unresolved emotions surfacing at this time are best dealt with with a compassionate, gentle approach. Oftentimes, what we refer to as our inner demons are simply pieces of us that have gone forgotten and are waiting to be seen and heard.
Capricorn

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Happy June, Cappie! The month starts off with a sociable New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd encouraging you to start new habits and routines that support your well-being (particularly your nervous system). Mercury moves into your opposite sign on the 4th which can highlight some important conversations with key players in your life. You may find yourself readjusting your boundaries if you're not receiving the nurturing you desire from one of your close connections. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and a potential workplace romance is possible. Just be cautious when mixing business with pleasure. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius illuminates the mental and emotional patterns that have been keeping you stuck from expressing your truth.
This energy can be very revealing and if you have any hidden enemies in your midst, you'll know who they are around this time. Pay close attention to your dreams for insight at this time.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde and you'll be undergoing a deep metamorphosis in relation to your communication (not only with others but primarily with self). This is an opportune time to unpack your own personal narrative that doesn't allow you to see the truth of who you are at a soul level. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and your relationships take front and center stage during this transit. As we gear up towards eclipse season in July, you'll likely be weeding out connections that are no longer growing you. On the 26th, Mercury moves into Leo, activating a deep craving for soul-stirring connections that embrace all of what you are—both beauty and scars.
Aquarius

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The month begins with a flirtatious New Moon in your sister sign, Gemini, bringing in fresh beginnings in your dating life. Whether you're single or already coupled, romance is heating up this month as well as your creativity. Starting a new project is favorable at this time. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, making you super busy at work. Just make sure you don't burn yourself out especially if you work in a care provider or healing profession. You can't pour from an empty cup! On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and your personal magnetism is out of the world. But, hey, you're an Aquarius, so if anyone can draw people in with their unique, quirky ways, it's you.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius lights up your social circle, making this a great night to connect with new and old friends alike. Sometimes this energy can result in severed ties if a connection to a group no longer aligns with your path. Let go with grace and love knowing that your tribe awaits you!
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde for the next several months. This is an opportune time to explore your beliefs related to money and material possessions. It's time to transform that lack consciousness into one of abundance. If you haven't been seeing your worth very clearly, this transit can help clear out emotional residue that's tampering with your self-esteem. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day with your health and well-being taking precedence. Get that annual check up, try a detox, or get back to your fitness routine to keep yourself balanced. The month closes out with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th, bringing up important conversations with key players in your life. Expect your relationships to be nothing less than entertaining during this transit. Easy on the drama though!
Pisces

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Welcome to June, Pisces! The month takes off with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, bringing your focus to family and home. You may be moving to a new place at this time or expanding your family. On the 4th, Mercury moves into your sister sign, Cancer, making things steamy in the romance department. The cosmos is brewing with fertility for you, so if you want to have a child, this is a great time to start planning. If you're not interested in kids, connecting with your inner child is equally as important for your creative expression and healing at this time.
Venus, the planet of love and money, moves into Gemini on the 8th. New opportunities that allow you to work from home can come about. When it comes to love, you may be more interested in pillow talk than date nights.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius brings a peak experience related to career. Good news worth celebrating may be revealed around this time. Get ready to take things up a notch with this newfound success and leadership you're coming in to. If you're in a dead-end job, this energy can mark the finale as you venture off towards a better opportunity. Neptune goes retrograde on the 21st, which clears up a lot of shit for you. Whether you've been aimlessly wandering through life or skeptical about a relationship, this transit will help you get to the truth of the matter. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and you're feeling charged up. You've spent enough time indoors so get out there and engage with the world again. Many adventures await you if you're open to them.
The month winds down with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th making you super busy at work. Your hard work will not go unnoticed during this transit so don't be afraid to shine!
Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Someone's Trying To Hook You Up? Ask These 6 Questions First
As we all know, it’s cuffing season. We’re also on the cusp of the holiday season, and that happens to be the time of year when a lot of people get engaged. And that’s why the fall and winter seasons are the times of the year when folks wanna play matchmaker.
And so, sis, if at least one person in your life is currently trying to set you up with someone they know right now — charge it to it being “tis the season” more than anything else. Because let’s be real — folks tend to be more lovey-dovey than ever right about now, and that is usually what inspires them to try to get as many people boo/bae’d up as possible. Chile…CHILE.
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
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Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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