We've finally made it to one of the most anticipated, or dreaded depending on your perspective, time of year. Eclipse (and retrograde) season is upon us ready to bring about sweeping changes in at least one area of our lives.
The month begins with Mars moving into Leo on the 1st granting our mojo back after the planet of action painstakingly drudged its way through Cancer over the past month and a half. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse in Cancer invites us to create new foundations for ourselves specifically related to emotions, home, and family. Venus, planet of love, moves into cozy Cancer on the 3rd making you more inclined to cuddle up at home with bae. On the 7th, Mercury officially goes retrograde for the 2nd time this year. This time the planet of communication is backpedaling through Leo. Watch out for temper tantrums and find a more productive way to channel your inner diva.
Excessive amounts of energy are best utilized for getting into the details of old projects that you've placed on the back burner.
On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde for the next several months opening up old wounds related to the "lone wolf syndrome" while providing a new perspective that serves as the healing balm needed to mend our hearts and open us up to connection. The emotional intensity kicks up a notch on the 16th, thanks to a Full Moon lunar eclipse in Capricorn forcing us to purge old narratives that perpetuate the belief that we are unworthy of being accepted due to our achievements and social status (or lack thereof) in the world. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th and you may have to revisit an important conversation or agreement made in June. The month closes out with a bang as the Sun and Venus move into feisty Leo heating up matters of love and putting the spotlight on your talents. The New Moon on the 31st represents a defining new beginning with Mercury direct supporting your progression towards fame and fortune or at least more popularity amongst others.
Check out what the month of July has in store for each of your zodiac signs below:
Aries
Aries (3/21 - 4/19)
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The month starts on a high note with your ruling planet, Mars, moving into Leo. Over the next month and a half, your energy will be exerted towards adventure, romance, and creativity. The New Moon solar eclipse on the 2nd has you reassessing your needs for security. This is a good time to begin your house hunt or start your fertility plan. Venus moves into Cancer on the 3rd, making you more inclined to enjoy the comfort of your home with bae. If you're in a commitment, you may consider moving in with your significant other. Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th, giving you a chance to revise creative projects and revisit hobbies that help you connect with your inner child. On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde until December inviting you to heal any core wounding related to the "lone wolf syndrome".
Instead of succumbing to the isolation, reach out instead. Even the most independent sign of the zodiac needs a pack to call their own.
The Full Moon lunar eclipse on the 16th opens up a new portal for you that requires you to release self-sabotaging beliefs that block your success. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th and the rest of the retrograde is best spent reviewing your budget or refining your knowledge about your source(s) of income. July closes out with the Sun and Venus moving into Leo, making you even more popular than usual. Your creativity hits a peak at this time of the year so use the energy wisely. The New Moon on the 31st signifies a promising, new opportunity that gives you a chance to step into the spotlight. Get ready for your big debut, Aries!
Taurus
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)
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On the 1st, Mars moves into Leo for the next month and a half which can make you a little more short-tempered than usual. Breathe and count to ten before unleashing the wrath of the bull. Exercise is your best friend during this transit. The New Moon solar eclipse and Venus in Cancer invites you to take on a new approach to communicating your needs to others. Instead of lashing out, try taking on a more vulnerable approach instead. On the 7th, Mercury goes retrograde reminding you to be mindful of any short-distance travel. Chiron, the wounded healer, goes retrograde on the 8th and the next several months will be spent healing emotional wounds related to feeling separate from God.
Your dreams will be quite revealing, potentially providing insight into past life karma that you're working out in this lifetime.
On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse supports your desire to dissolve into the oneness of the Universe. Profound spiritual insight is likely and learning through your travels can help you make sense of your place in the grand scheme of things. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th, bringing your focus to nurturing your relationships with your siblings and close friends. You're quite poetic under this influence so finding a creative outlet to express your sentimental feels in beneficial at this time. The month closes out with a bang with the Sun, Venus, and New Moon in Leo lighting up your home and family life. Connecting with your roots can help you tap into your gifts and Mercury going direct on the 31st will help you recognize the healing power of sharing your talents with the world.
Gemini
Gemini (5/21 - 6/20)
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The month begins with Mars moving into your house of learning and communication. You can get a lot done over the next month and a half, especially if you work in the media. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse encourages you to flex your hidden gifts and talents for financial gain. Venus moves into the same part of your sky the following day, making you a magnet for people and opportunities that are attracted to your compassionate, big heart. On the 7th, Mercury goes retrograde, giving you a chance to review that blog post or book you've been working on. On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde and the next several months brings your attention to resolving emotional wounds related to friends and feeling connected to the collective.
This transit is meant to align you with a more authentic tribe that celebrates your eccentricity and acknowledges the value that you bring to the group.
On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse serves as a breakthrough in your personal narrative that helps you see your power more clearly. This can also be a time in which you, or someone around you, is exposed for manipulating their power. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th, encouraging you to make peace with a situation that damaged your self-esteem. Self-validation is the remedy, Gemmie. Short-distance travel is favored over the next month and Mercury going direct on the 31st supports a smooth process in reaching your destination. The month closes out with a New Moon on the 31st, making this the perfect time to start that YouTube channel! It's time to get your message out there!
Cancer
Cancer (6/21 - 7/22)
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Your birthday season begins in extravagant fashion with Mars leaving your sign and entering into Leo on the 1st, making you extremely motivated to get in your bag this month. If you're in the midst of a job hunt, Mars is working in your favor to help you overcome any obstacles in this realm. On the 2nd, there's a powerful New Moon eclipse in your sign. Make a wish for what you'd like to experience in the year ahead! Venus, planet of love + money, also moves into your sign on the 3rd, making you even more alluring and fortune. The cosmos fully supports you getting the big chop or revamping your wardrobe to represent the new and improved you. Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th, making this the perfect time to review your budget and salary.
Are you selling yourself short? It's time to start charging what you're worth!
On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde, helping you to resolve any emotional wounds related to your father (or the masculine as a whole). Unpacking your own internalized patriarchy can be beneficial for healing the distorted expression of the masculine energy. The Full Moon lunar eclipse highlights your key relationships. This may be a time in which you consider tying the knot. However, this celestial event can make or break energy in your relationships as well. If there's been a toxic person lingering in your energy, this Full Moon will help you make a clean break. On the 19th, Mercury dips back into your sign and you may be experiencing some deja vu when it comes to an important conversation that was initiated last month. July closes out with a finale as the Sun moves into Leo on the 22nd with Venus following shortly behind bring you popularity and good luck if you're willing to come out of your cozy shell. The New Moon on the 31st can brings good news about an opportunity that will allow you to express your unique personality. Don't be shy, babe! You were made for this!
Leo
Leo (7/23 - 8/22)
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Hey, there, gorgeous! The month debuts with Mars moving into your sign which graciously returns your mojo after a slow-paced month in June. The next month and a half is setting you up for major breakthroughs particularly regarding the way that others view you. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse encourages you to surrender old beliefs about yourself to make way for the newer, more empowered version of yourself. Venus moves into this same part of your chart on the 3rd which makes love matters a little more hush-hush.
Your dreams hold the key to who your next romantic prospect or even some past-life, relationship karma that you need to address.
Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th and will be backtracking through your sign, just pay attention to the fine print if you have to sign any contracts during the retrograde. On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde in Aries and for the next several months you're focused on resolving outdated spiritual beliefs that have made you feel shamed or outcast. The Full Moon lunar eclipse on the 16th may bring a finality to your existing routines. On the 19th, Mercury dips into Cancer, making you sleepier and more introverted than usual. Don't push yourself too hard during this last leg of Mercury retrograde. On the 22nd, the Sun moves into your sign along with Venus on the 27th which will be showering you with blessings over the next month to come. The New Moon in your sign on the 31st is the perfect time to make a wish for what you want to experience in the year ahead with Mercury direct pushing your plans full steam ahead.
Virgo
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)
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The month begins with Mars moving into a quieter part of your chart, stirring up inner conflict between you getting shit done and you sleeping the month away. Don't fret if you're lacking energy this month. Your drive is bound to pick up again once we transition into your birthday season. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse welcomes new friendships along with a revived sense of connection to the collective. Venus quickly follows behind on the 3rd and for the next month and a half, you're aligning with your soul tribe who will play a role in your mission over the next year.
On the 7th, Mercury goes retrograde amplifying your dream state with reminders of past-life talents and self-sabotaging beliefs that hinder you from expressing them.
Chiron, the wounded healer, goes retrograde on the 8th drawing you deeper into your psyche to help you heal from any traumatic experiences that made you feel like an outcast. On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse lights up your life with adventure and romance. If you're dealing with a fickle connection, you may decide to end it in the pursuit of something more stable. This is the perfect time to release any creative projects you've been working on. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th and your focus in nurturing old connections that you've been neglecting. On the 22nd, the Sun moves into Le,o with Venus following on the 27th, encouraging you to rest up for a busy birthday month. The New Moon on the 31st, supported by Mercury direct, helps you recognize what beliefs and habits you need to release to step into a more expanded, fearless version of yourself.
Libra
Libra (9/23 - 10/22)
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The month begins with Mars directing most of your energy towards your social networks and your long-term vision for your life. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse, followed by Venus entering in Cancer on the 3rd, brings in new career opportunities and increased social status. When it comes to taking on a leadership role, a softer approach works more effectively. Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th, giving you the chance to catch up with friends you haven't heard from in a while. This is also a good time to revise your plans regarding your long-term goals that have the potential to change the world.
On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde which helps you resolve painful emotions related to a significant relationship or your experience with relationships as a whole.
On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse stirs up some tension in the home or with family. You may decide to move out of an overbearing environment around this time. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th and this time is best spent re-strategizing your approach to leveling up in your career. Be mindful of power struggles with your boss during this time. Remember to breathe and count to 10 before sending that angry email. The New Moon on the 31st invites you to let yourself be seen in all of your glory. Making new friends that truly embrace all of you—diva included—is favored. Mercury goes direct the same day, encouraging more vulnerable expression that could land you in the public eye.
Scorpio
Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21)
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Career matters take precedence this month with Mars transiting through Leo for the next month and a half. If you've been struggling with gaining traction towards your goals, Mars is here to help push you forward. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse invites you to embark on a spiritual journey that could involve international travel and foreign affairs. Venus moves into the same part of your chart on the 3rd, attracting opportunities for expansion. You may find yourself taking on the role of teacher or spiritual guide for those seeking guidance and comfort. Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th, giving you a chance to re-strategize your path to success. Just be mindful of miscommunications with your boss.
On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde, encouraging you to resolve any health issues (mental and emotional included).
The Full Moon lunar eclipse on the 19th can bring a project to completion, making this an opportune time to share your creation with the world. Increased social media engagement is favorable. This lunation can also help you break through limited beliefs and bad communication (self-talk included) that undermines your personal power. On the 19th, Mercury dips back into Cancer, giving you a chance to revise any written work you plan on releasing to the public. The Sun moves into Leo on the 22nd, making you a force to be reckoned with when it comes to climbing up the social ladder. Venus shortly follows behind and you may find yourself attracting (or attracted to) someone with a whole lot of power and influence. The month comes to a close with a New Moon blessing you with a new job or promotion. Mercury goes direct on the same day pushing your travel and publishing plans ahead.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)
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July begins with Mars moving into your sister sign on the 1st over the next month and a half, most of your energy will be exerted towards higher learning and spiritual evolution. As the philosopher of the zodiac, you may find yourself taking on the role of guru in the lives of others. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse invites you to embrace more intimate connections which will require some vulnerability on your part. Venus moving into the same part of your chart on the 3rd has you attracting people that can help you face your fear of letting others see the more sensitive side of the wise sage.
Chiron goes retrograde on the 8th, encouraging you to clean up house when it comes to any unresolved emotions inhibiting your authentic self-expression.
Connecting with your inner child is an important part of this process. On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse can bring in some long-awaited good fortune while also encouraging you to reassess whether you're getting paid what you're worth. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th and your feels are running deep. It may be time to finally tie up some loose ends by revisiting that important conversation. The Sun moves into Leo on the 22nd with Venus following behind. Over the next month, your online presence is undeniable. People can't help but be attracted to the wisdom you share. On the 31st, the New Moon, supported by Mercury direct, encourages you to go back to school or plan for a pilgrimage that will empower you spiritually to help others level up. It's time to step into your role of light worker!
Capricorn
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)
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The month begins with Mars moving into your house of intimacy, the psyche, and transformation pushing you to break through any barriers that prevent you from emotionally connecting with others. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse closes out a cycle of not-so-fulfilling relationships and invites you to reevaluate what matters to you most in partnership. Venus, planet of love and money, has the potential to align you with a significant new connection that brings out your softer side. Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th, which will force you to come face-to-face with the skeletons in your closet. Therapy is suggested if this process is too intense to go at it alone. Chiron goes retrograde on the 8th, stirring up mommy issues and bringing generational patterns to the forefront that need to be resolved.
On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse in your sign supports you in freeing yourself from an old identity that no longer empowers you (if it ever did). It's time to ditch the underdog complex and step into the winner's circle.
On the 19th, Mercury dips back into Cancer for the remainder of the retrograde which has you feeling nostalgic about an old partnership (romantic or business). Don't be surprised if an ex pops up around this time. The Sun moves into Leo on the 22nd, along with Venus trailing behind on the 27th. This is a deeply transformative time for you, but it may feel like your process is on full display. Sharing your heartache and struggles can be just what others need to see from you for you to experience more closeness in your bonds. On the 31st, the New Moon encourages you to put your best foot forward when it comes to embracing the trials that have grown you into a wiser, more authentic, and more empowered version of yourself. Mercury goes direct on the same day, helping you get clear about what you will and won't stand for in relationships moving forward.
Aquarius
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)
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This month's focus is primarily on your relationships with Mars directing your energy towards connecting with others in a more authentic way. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse encourages you to make some changes to your daily routines, diet, and fitness regimen. Venus moves into this part of your chart the next day which could have you receiving a lot of attention in the workplace from people that feel drawn to your caring spirit. On the 7th, Mercury goes retrograde and you'll be revisiting conversations that took place last month with your significant other or business partner. This is also a favorable time to work out kinks in an existing contract.
Chiron goes retrograde on the 8th and the next several months will be spent finding your own voice within the conditioning imposed upon on you by others. Healing long-standing issues with siblings is also favored during this transit.
On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse closes out a major chapter of your life regarding your experience with your father or the masculine energy as whole. This is a good time to release any distorted beliefs associated with masculine energy. On the 19th, Mercury dips back into Cancer inviting you to revisit an old routine that benefitted your emotional well-being. This can be as simple as writing in your journal every morning or night. On the 22nd, the Sun moves into your opposite sign with Venus in hot pursuit on the 27th. Get ready for that summer romance of a lifetime. The New Moon on the 31st represents the start of a beautiful, new partnership. If you're looking for a business contact, you'll likely meet a charismatic person to join forces with during this transit. July closes out with Mercury going direct, helping you find the flow in your new and improved lifestyle.
Pisces
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)
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July begins with Mars moving into Leo on the 1st and for the next month and a half, your energy is exerted towards improving your health. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse invites you to nurture your inner child and your creativity. Venus moves into this part of your sky on the 3rd, bringing in an influx of dating prospects or reviving the romance between you and bae. On the 7th, Mercury goes retrograde encouraging you to revisit an old routine that benefitted your health and well-being. This is the perfect time to start working out again or trying that plant-based lifestyle you've veered away from.
On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde for the next several months helping you resolve emotional wounds related to your self-esteem and body image.
The Full Moon lunar eclipse on the 16th highlights your social network. This could be a time in which you part ways with an old friend group to create space for people that are more in alignment with you and your mission. If you're not interested in revisiting the past, this is a good time to wrap up a creative project you've put on the back burner. You've got all the inspiration to create a masterpiece. On the 22nd, the Sun moves into Leo with Venus following behind. You're on the receiving end of good vibes and fortune in the workplace. If you're open to love, the gym and health and wellness conferences may be your best bet for meeting someone. The month ends with a New Moon on the 31st inviting you to commit to your vitality by implementing better habits that benefit you holistically.
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Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
____
Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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