A Guide To Successfully Sliding In The DMs
Men don't get enough credit for the courage it takes to approach women, especially in a world where we have been known to clown the hell out of them depending on their approach. But as someone who has tried to approach the opposite sex, I can attest to the fact that you tend to say thoughtless or weird shit when you're under the type of anxiety-inducing pressure that comes with making the first move.
However, as we continue to create a new world order — a world that consists of the direct message approach — it's not so uncommon for women to shoot their shot. There's no question that women are shooting their shot, only question is are they setting themselves up for a nice little "oop" or just traveling with zero direction?
Well. Not only did we get some expert-approved tips on sliding in the DMs, and, we even have some stories from ladies who have successfully approached the sex of their choice. And by successful, we mean anything that made it outside of the DMs — from casual sex to sending out wedding announcements.
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If you're anything like me, you may have wondered or even feared that approaching men might be a turn-off. But two things to consider are this: 1) is a man who is turned off the right one for you, and 2) some men might find being approached a relief. Shadeen Francis, licensed sex and relationship therapist points out, "many men worry about unintentionally seeming aggressive or abusive," as they should be.
As I said before, I have grown to have hella respect for the guts men have to have when they are interested and must be the first to pursue a woman. In addition to the pressure to not seem aggressive, Francis makes note of "social pressure put on men to initiate conversation." She expounded, "From the stereotype of the smooth R&B 'excuse me miss' to the confident 'let me holla at you for a second', there is the expectation that men who are interested in someone will know what to say and how to say it. They are taught to 'make' others want them."
By making the first move, "It can feel like a nice change of pace for men to be approached…It takes less vulnerability, and can make them feel desired."
Men have been doing this since the dawn of time, before the comfortability of the DMs. Meaning, there's a lot to be learned from them, because why fix what's broken? Eh. This is not to say the system isn't flawed. However, being a student of life means we're also learning from the failures that are interesting gone bad, i.e. catcalling and street harassment. Francis advised, "Do not assume that just because you are a catch, that others need to be interested or available. If someone does not engage, the response is not to be persistent or to fight for it, but to leave room for the other person to choose whether or not to participate. Only a non-coerced yes is a yes, and as always, no means no."
Now that we've covered consent and amped you up Flava-Flav-style...how do we seductively lace it all together and execute? Well it's actually quite simple — be direct! Far too often, myself and other women swear that men can read minds or receive bat signals. We will do everything except be direct, from liking several pictures or commenting on every Insta story to convey interest. Francis says it's best to be clear. Rather than giving nothing but weird indirect vibes, Francis recommends that you "start your engagement on their page with intention."
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Ask yourself, "What about them is interesting or attractive to you? Maybe you like their thoughtful captions, or the mission of organization they promote, or their calf muscles. Engage (like, comment, interact in the stories) only with the content that demonstrates that, and then follow up in their DMs. Good conversation makes people feel interesting and it gives them something clear to respond to. That could be a question, or a call-to-action."
Francis suggests using the following formula for crafting your message with intention:
- A greeting
Hey, hi there, etc.
- A compliment
You have great calf muscles, you must train a lot
- An invitation
I'd love to know more about you, hit me up if you're down to talk.
In fact, the formula can be found throughout the stories of these 5 ladies who slid in the DMs oh-so-successfully:
1. Kamila
"I was very nervous. He was someone I had seen around in high school and even then we hadn't really spoken besides the passing 'Hi,' so I was worried I would look like a ridiculous stalker. But, besides that I figured what was the worst that could happen? I hadn't ever slid into his or anyone else's DMs before that. I had the hope that if someone wanted to speak to me they would, so to slide in his DMs and take that first step was a ballsy move on my part.
"I started out with something like, 'Hey, I don't know if you remember me from high school, but you are handsome as ever.' To which he said something along the lines of, 'Thank you beautiful, how have you been?' And that conversation lasted for a couple days until he finally asked for my number. It still amazes me to this day that one bold move that I decided to make has led to a thriving, happy, five-year long relationship. This man really is my best friend and if I hadn't mustered up the courage, I could have missed out on my blessing!"
2. Laila
"I was on this HBCU site and they shouted him out for paying off his student loans and I was like, 'WOW, he's kinda cute.' He was tagged, so I went to his page and I was like, 'Oh my God, I think he's cute.' So, I just sent him a message. I don't remember what the message was but we just started flirting back and forth. He was in the DC area, so I told him I'd be home in a few weeks and we set up a date. For our first date, he picked me up from our parents' house and he took me to The Cheesecake Factory and then he took me to smoke hookah and have a drink. I made him wait to have sex with me, maybe one and half, two years and I was so, so disappointed."
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3. Meagan
"When Brian and I first met, I was nervous a bit. Sure, we bonded over tacos (I'm indecisive, so I swooned when he said, 'just get one of everything!') but I was mainly nervous because it felt different to me. When we parted ways, and I came back to LA, all I could think about was seeing him again. He had never dated anyone long-distance and saw it as a challenge. I, on the other hand, had dated long-distance. I also knew if the person was worth it, you'd work for it. Besides, Phoenix and LA are not too far apart.
"I kept sending him DMs, which were pretty dry. The conversation wouldn't carry on far beyond the usual, 'How was your day?' So, in a last attempt, I decided to invite him to Las Vegas for the 4th of July. If there's anywhere that can help you take the edge off and get to know a stranger, while being surrounded by strangers – it's Vegas! I was already going with a couple of my girlfriends, so I asked if he'd like to get some friends and meet us. When we met up, all of our friends left us (not together) and he and I gallivanted all throughout Vegas together. We stayed up so late walking around casinos, laughing and talking that we got brunch the next morning.
"His response to me reaching out was receptive, but in a way he surprised himself as well. He normally wouldn't have gone to Vegas, but he took a chance. After Vegas, we both felt something was there and were curious. I'm very spontaneous, so the next month I invited him to Cabo! He didn't have a passport, so he had to rush to order a passport. He thought it was crazy, but he liked the connection and thrill as much as I did.
"I had never slid into anyone's DMs before and I never made the first move. Typically, if a guy doesn't prove that he is interested, I move on. I stepped out of my comfort zone and followed my heart with him, and I'm beyond glad that I did because I knew something was different about him. Now we have been together for 4.5 years!"
"My mom always says 'closed mouths don't get fed.' So, I'm a strong advocate for going after what you want in life (career, love, personally) ALWAYS! Sliding into someone's DMs can be nerve-wracking, but it can work out, especially if you are clear with what you want (and honest with yourself) and set your intentions.'"
4. Veronica
"Slid in...met them and we went on a date (my treat) that weekend. It felt powerful for me. I knew what I wanted and I went for it. I was a little nervous before he responded -- worried that he would think I was too aggressive, but it worked out--he was flattered that I made the first move. Shortly after, we got into a relationship. It turned out OK. He was great with my son. I wish more women would go for it. The stigma should be gone, and women should be able to go for whatever they want without it being taboo."
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5. Morgan
"Just do it. The worst they can say is 'no'. And most men won't say 'no' if they are available. Shoot, some will still entertain even if they aren't 100% available. I've done it twice. Once many years ago, and the other was about a year ago. The last time worked in my favor, but we aren't talking anymore -- just weren't compatible."
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Liposuction is one of the most popular cosmetic plastic surgical procedures, according to Johns Hopkins Medicine, and on average, it may run you close to $ 4,000. While many people are still turning to surgery to get the look they want, there are many alternatives that are noninvasive and overall safer that are starting to get some shine. Like a lot of people during the pandemic, I had put on a few extra pounds, and I was looking at all the different methods that can help me look and feel great.
I don’t remember how I ran across it, but I began researching laser lipo, and before I knew it, I had booked my first appointment of many. I entered the medispa and was taken to a room and told to lie down. Then, I had lasers placed on top of my stomach for about 30 minutes, and I was done. While it sounds simple, it can take multiple sessions to get the desired look you want. That was a couple of years ago. However, I decided to try it again. This time with a different practitioner and a few add-ons, including wood therapy, cavitation, skin tightening, and vacuum therapy. Let’s dig deeper.
What Is Laser Lipo?
Laser lipo is a non-invasive procedure that penetrates through the skin and shrinks the fat. Not only is it simpler than regular lipo, but it’s also less expensive. Tammy Bell of Sculpted By Bella Beauty Bar, where she offers these noninvasive services, tells us why more people are turning to laser lipo.
“It’s noninvasive. You don’t have no downtime at all, unlike lipo and the different surgeries you have downtime with that,” she says. “You get results. It’s a little slower than regular lipo, but you get results that you want.” Because everyone’s body is different, the results may vary. However, Tammy says it’s also based on lifestyle habits such as what you’re eating and how active you are.
Laser lipo is just one of the many noninvasive services to choose from. See more below.
Wood Therapy
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If you follow Tracee Ellis Ross on Instagram or TikTok, then you probably saw the video of her using wooden tools to sculpt her body. This method is called wood therapy, and let me tell you, it’s not for the faint of heart. In my experience, it’s a weird sensation and a little painful. However, they say beauty is pain.
Tammy breaks down what wood therapy is. “It actually breaks up the fat, and it contours your body. It moves the fat through your lymphatic system,” she explains.
Skin Tightening
Another treatment is skin tightening. As we get older, our skin loses elasticity, and this service targets sagging skin for a tighter appearance. “The heat actually helps tighten the skin,” Tammy says about the skin-tightening tool that is used during the service. “It helps build collagen for your skin to tighten.”
Cavitation
Cavitation liquifies the fat, and it’s the only service out of this list that can’t be done on your face. “With the cavitation and all that stuff, if you notice, I always come in, and then I go down because you have your lymph nodes for your lymphatic system for it to drain,” she says, explaining the technique she does when using the tools on the body.
“That’s why it’s important for you to drink a lot of water ‘cause you (the fat) have to either come out in your sweat or your urine.”
Vacuum Therapy
Vacuum therapy involves suction cups that lift the skin. While I’ve only used it on my stomach, Healthline reports that many people are using it to get a butt lift. “Vacuum therapy moves the fat, and if you want to get a butt lift, you push the fat up,” Tammy says.
Costs
Costs vary per service and per practitioner. However, I spent around $400 and got all the aforementioned services done within five appointments.
Results
Body sculpting results
Photo courtesy of London Alexaundria
My target areas were my back, stomach, and arms, and I am satisfied with the results I received in such a short amount of time. You can get these services done separately and get good results, but I decided to try them all together as a part of a package. Just like they will tell you after getting regular lipo, for lasting results, you must make sure to keep a healthy lifestyle.
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