So, back when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national nonprofit because a lot of the girls (at the time) were at the age that some of my children would’ve been (read “Why I Named The Children I Aborted” for context), I would call them my daughters. And boy, the closer I got to some of them and the more they revealed, the combination of their relationships and lifestyle sounded a lot like a twisted hybrid between soap operas and Lifetime Television, especially when they would get into all of the stuff they were doing for “their man”…especially after I would inquire what caused a guy to earn that title and they would draw a blank.
“I mean, has he ever even taken you out on a date before?” would be a pretty common question for me to ask. And when they would respond with, “I mean, we sleep together” and/or “He comes over sometimes” and/or “Ms. Shellie, what do you mean — a date?!” — I…tell…you…what.
Do You Have To Go on a Date To Be Considered Dating?
What’s really wild is they are not an anomaly. Meaning, there are a lot of women in college, in their 20s — shoot, some I’ve spoken to who are in their 30s and 40s who profess to also be in a relationship (which is probably more like a situationship-in-denial) with a guy where, when I ask the same question, they come up with variations of the responses I just provided — and that is unfortunate. Tragic even.
That’s why I think it’s important to tackle this topic. For the record, by no means am I gonna be on some unless-a-man-spends-his-rent-money-to-date-you-he’s-not-worthy-of-your-time ish. I’ve already stated my opinion about transactional dating (you can read it here), and y’all, I am so not a fan. At the same time, though, there is a reason why, when it comes to romantic relationships, there are “levels” to this thing, and despite how all over the place things seem to be these days, a foundational one should definitely be going out on dates. And that definitely should happen before you start using the term “dating.” Let’s get into it.
What’s the Purpose of a Date? What Counts As an Actual Date?
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Purpose is something that I am really big about. I dig it because of what it literally means: “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” And yes, like pretty much everything that exists, dating does indeed serve a purpose. The problem is, because a lot of people have no clue what its purpose is (anymore), they end up doing what I believe, across the board, when it comes to the ignorance of a purpose: “When you don’t know the purpose of something, you are almost guaranteed to abuse it.”
So, why does dating exist? It’s so that you can get to know someone better. Simple. Where things get a bit complex is far too many folks think that you can do that anywhere — and while, to a certain extent, that would be true, the issue is that there used to be a time when “getting to know” had stages.
Getting someone’s number was a big deal. Holding a conversation that was longer than 10 minutes on the phone was a big deal. Getting asked out (OUT being the operative word) and someone accepting was a big freaking deal. And the reason why going out was wise is because you got to see how much someone was willing to invest in you. Again, I’m not talking about how many coins they were willing to drop. What I mean is, that when someone is truly interested in you, they enjoy putting some thought and effort into actually showing you so.
Not only that, but it helps them to get to know you when it comes to likes and dislikes and shared interests while being able to hold conversations that will reveal if you are a good fit on a billion different levels— or not. For instance, going to a live concert — you can learn about what they think about certain types of music, and that could lead to conversations about playing instruments as a kid, being in talent shows, or what their favorite artists were back in the day. Or if you went on a date that consisted of a hike and a picnic, you both could learn about how much you like — or don’t like — spending time in nature, what kind of foods you enjoy, and what your idea of romance may be.
Yeah, dating can reveal so much about someone, and the cool thing about it is it’s designed to do it in a way that takes a lot of pressure off. The reason why I say that is because, if after the first or fourth date, things aren’t working out…no harm, no foul. Everyone can go their separate ways without a lot of damage to clean up afterward. I mean, why would there be any if you’ve spent most of your time out of each other’s private and personal space doing things, being careful about how much of yourself you offer up and focusing on how to ease, ever so gently, into getting close to someone?
That said, even though I’ve already offered up some examples, if a part of you is like, “All of this can happen at his place or mine” — you would be correct. However, remember how I said that there are levels to this thing?
There used to be a time when someone being in another person’s home was seen as a huge honor and privilege…not just something to do. Your home is your sanctuary. Your home is your place of refuge. Your home is where so many intimate things about you can be learned and discovered — and I’m not just talking about in the bedroom. The way you decorate. How you keep a house. How you are when no one else is around. Where you’re able to really and truly just BE is featured in your house. Yes, someone should do things that show themselves to be worthy of accessing that type of information.
So definitely, if someone wants to be more than a friend in your life, you deserve to go on dates — you deserve for someone to plan something to do, that is not at either place of residence that happens more than once. You deserve this because, again, a date is about someone getting to know you, and you are worthy of being invested in.
A date requires a plan. A date requires effort. A date requires intentionality. A date requires creativity. A date requires wanting to woo a person. And so, if someone is claiming to “date” you, you should be able to provide evidence, via clearly articulated examples, of this transpiring to anyone who would inquire about your dating dynamic.
What Does It Mean to Be “Dating” Someone?
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Okay, so all of that brings us to can — or more like should — you actually consider yourself “dating” if you’ve never been on a date with the person you’re giving that relational status to. I mean, if we’re going by what I just stated a date is and is for, the answer would be “no”…damn near a HELL NO. Because, well, let’s go back to elementary school for just a second. When you add “ing” to a word, that is verbalizing that some sort of action is taking place. And so, if a man is dating you, this means that he is actively taking you on dates. Therefore, if you’ve never been on a date with him before, how can the two of you be, well, DATING?
Again, I am not overlooking the fact that, eventually, dating can include things like him cooking for you at his place or you having him over to watch some throwback movies at yours. Yet it truly can’t be said enough that dating should be transpiring in levels, and so, if things start off that way, it’s really challenging to go backward, especially if you’ve let him know that he can just hang out at your house, pretty much from day one, and to you, that is dating (even though it’s actually not).
Now, I’m not saying that a man who never dates you isn’t “something-ing” you (LOL). I’m just saying that the word you are using, you probably shouldn’t. You need to open up a dictionary and look up another one that more accurately defines what is going on. Bonding? Maybe. Evolving? Perhaps. Shoot, before even finding other words, let’s get down to what may really be going on: SEXING. And no, sexing is not the same as dating.
Does Dating Include Having Sex?
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Whenever guys tell me that they are so over women who think that sex should be a substitute for an actual birthday present or Christmas gift, I am totally on their side. It really can’t be said enough that sex is an even exchange of pleasure (and if it’s not, no one is making you stay; state your case or know that you can always leave), and so no, it’s not fair to think that on Valentine’s Day, you deserve the world of tangibles while he gets what he just got from you last Tuesday. Lawd, the manipulation of sex really needs to come to an end…and swiftly.
The same thing applies to sexing someone being put in the same category as dating them. While sex is definitely a way of getting to know another person on a profound level, I don’t care what pop culture says: it’s still an honor and a privilege for someone to experience you like that. It’s also achieving a different goal than dating does. What I mean is, that dating is about getting to know someone better, while sex is more about two people doing something that gives them physical pleasure.
Please take what I said into context because, if you’ve read enough of my articles on sex, you know that I think that it ultimately holds more value than merely a climax. However, what I’m saying when it comes to what we’re talking about today is, on a very basic and carnal level, you don’t have to be intimate with someone you have sex with — not mentally or emotionally. You can be as self-absorbed as you want to be by looking at the activity as a way to get something that you want…without really knowing much about who helped you to achieve that particular goal at all.
On a date, you want to know someone else. During sex, you can totally put up that wall, still get a need met, and go on about your business. And you can do this for weeks, months, even years if someone allows it. Because if you’ve already decided that sex is all you want, sex is all that you will give.
And that’s why I had to tell my “daughters,” damn near on repeat, that if you’ve never seen anything with him beyond his bedspread and bedroom ceiling, sweeties, you’re not dating that man. You’re having sex with him (and as teens, I don’t even know how good that is). The reason why he’s letting you use the word “dating” is so he can get what he wants without giving you what you actually deserve. Unfortunately, I’ve had to share that revelation with some grown women, too.
Yes, you can have sex with someone you are dating. At the same time, sex is not a date.
Even “sex dates” require planning beforehand and oftentimes aren’t the cheapest dates on the planet (when’s the last time that you’ve booked a hotel reservation?) One more time for the stubborn ones in denial in the back: for a man to be dating you, HE NEEDS TO TAKE YOU OUT ON ACTUAL DATES.
What Is It Called When You’re Dating but Not Dating? Is Not (Officially) Dating a Deal-Breaker?
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As I was having this conversation with a 20-something woman not too long ago, I saw the light bulb come on. She asked me if, after almost a year of un-dating-while-sexing, should she end the relationship. If you can relate and you’re wondering the same thing — I can’t tell you what your deal-breakers should be. What I will say is if you realize that you want more, you should have it. What I will say is if that guy truly cares about you beyond being glad that he can just plop on your couch or get you in his bed without much effort on his part, and you bring all of this up, he will take note. What I will say is no woman should look back on her life and realize that she never experienced real, true, and actual dating before. What I will say is if you feel like you’re settling, you probably are. What I will say is what people value, they will invest in.
Listen, I’ve been with guys who I’ve been on dates with. I’ve been with guys who I was sexing. I’ve been with guys who we spent a lot of time together doing neither (translation: we hung out a lot and never really went out or made it to the intercourse stage of things). And while I’ve had some great sex and cool memories with Door B and Door C, by far, my fondest memories are the men who I dated and who dated me (because I don’t mind taking men out on dates sometimes; another article, another time). Because I felt cherished. I felt appreciated. I felt seen — with no strings attached. And that’s another thing that actually and literally dating someone does.
So, I’ll just say for me, that I won’t lie to myself and say I’m dating someone if I’ve not been on an official date with said person. I won’t let a guy get away with saying that he’s dating me either (I actually know a man who used to say that he was dating multiple women because, to him, if he ever took you out at all, that constituted dating….NAH).
Through trial and error, observation, and emotional evolution, I get that when someone is for real dating me, they have plans for us — short and long-term — in a way that someone who isn’t dating me (even if he’s sexing me) probably doesn’t. Because if they did, we’d be on dates due to the purpose that they serve. But hey…again, that’s just me.
As I wrap this up, if you’re on the fence about where your dynamic stands, forward this to the guy in question. Let his response/reaction influence what you should do. Because if you get an Elmo shrug, I’m not sure if there’s going to be much in your future beyond whatever you’re currently doing and accepting. If he wants to discuss it — good. Looks like you might get a date in your future. And once you’ve had a real one, it’s hard to go back to not.
TRUST ME.
Life is short. Bedrooms aren’t going anywhere. GO. ON. SOME. ACTUAL. DATES.
PLEASE.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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