Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
Being A Single Mom Might Mean Sacrificing Romantic Love. Here's Why I Think That.
There’s a lot of discourse around single motherhood. To keep it brief, people will let you know all the ways you could’ve chosen better for you and your child. I’m not here to argue that down…today.
But. There’s this hatred that single moms have been getting lately for having the audacity to choose better in finding the right one after having a baby with the wrong one. And there’s something about the online hate that just feels so misplaced to me. Almost as if the men spewing it never intended to treat any women worth a damn.
Do I hate that it took having a child with the wrong person to grow in that way? Sure. Am I going to stop myself from living? No.
There are two things everyone, mothers included, must understand. The first thing is you must date better to protect your child. It’s not an option anymore. And, whatever this misogynistic, classist rhetoric is around the desire to choose better, I won’t be made to feel bad about that decision or exiled for human fallacy. And other mothers shouldn’t allow this way of thinking either.
The second thing is, if I’m dating you, the most you’ll have to worry about is my schedule...as a mother. There is no fairy godmother to make you "daddy" overnight. So, please stop assuming a single mom putting herself out there to date wants to make you stepdaddy by default. It’s a bit egotistical and, more than that, assumptive. Anticipate the process of getting anywhere remotely near my child as one that is as thorough as an airport security checkpoint.
Anticipate that you won’t make the cut. And, if you’re just so anti-another-man’s-kid – stay away altogether. Easier for all parties involved.
What society often leaves undiscussed is the way that being a single mother can mean your love life is almost nonexistent. And that being an intentional decision. This looks like the mothers who date for years of never bringing anyone into their home, no matter how serious the relationship is. Because the mothers who get it, get that the home is or should be their child's haven. This also looks like moms who forgo dating until their child has left the nest.
Perhaps that’s the issue – we don’t witness the self-sacrificing side of motherhood out in the open enough. These mothers exist, and they offer a sobering perspective.
A reality check.
The reality is that being a good mother might mean remaining single until you’re an empty nester again. Being a mother who protects and provides (emotionally, physically, and in all the ways) may require this.
I recall my nana telling me many years before I had my child that she got into a committed relationship with a man (who the family knew and loved), and because she had a daughter who lived in that home, she never invited that man to live with her. For context, she was with that man well into my lifetime. She loved him, but she loved and valued the safety of her children more, as she ought to.
At the time, I thought she might be overreacting until I found myself starting to think about dating while being a single mother.
The part that stands out to me, in particular now, can be summarized by saying I never want to have to put my son and myself in a position where he loses me in my effort to protect him. She alluded to the fact that although she was one of the most non-violent people (and this, I know, to be true), she would have to kill in the name of potentially avenging her daughter.
So, she refused to put herself in a position where that part of herself would have to show up and show out. She refused to put herself in a position where she would consequently be taken away from her family for defending them.
She didn’t want to be placed in a position where her maternal instinct forced her out of her character. And, now more than ever I understand and share this perspective.
Part of being intentional is understanding the only controllable in this life is you, which leaves room for error even after thorough vetting and endless healing work on your end.
There is no definitive evidence that single mothers are more susceptible to the attacks of predators, but I feel like if you’ve ever watched even one episode of any true crime story – you know predators have ideal victims.
And, when you think about it, single moms fit the bill. I mean, think about it.
Not only are you vulnerable, but so are your children – perhaps due to feelings of loneliness or abandonment. Single moms are also often overworked and tired, meaning it’s assumed you won’t be as attentive but rather grateful that a man was willing to be seemingly kind to you. Additionally, there is also a theory known as the Cinderella effect. This theory suggests stepparents are more likely to abuse non-biological children.
Lastly, I want to point out that the bar is so in hell for men that women have been fooled into thinking the bare minimum is everything.
I mention this because, on paper, I had an amazing stepdad. He did for me what my father never did. But, the other side of this was that he did the bare minimum in so many other ways. Emotionally, he never advocated for me against my mother’s emotional abuse like an adult arguably should. And so often, he was the source of my mother’s disdain towards me.
This goes back to the point about children deserving a haven, and home should be it. My mom and stepdad spent many years making it work when the marriage had expired. In turn, this meant my siblings and I paid the price. Though this could and does happen often enough with two biological parents in the home, I still want to highlight it because there’s no reason to leave one poor set of circumstances to trade them for another at the cost of your children’s emotional safety.
I’m not a super religious person, but I’ve learned in motherhood you won’t have all the answers; most times, it’s a formula of prayer and awareness (and this is in all things motherhood-related). And it’s not always equal parts! But being a mom is a constant state of befuddlement where you find yourself praying for the safety and wholeness of your child more than you ever prayed for yourself on your worst days. You pray for the answers and signs because, in reality, you can’t be sure that you’re doing it right until your job is “complete.”
Knowledge is power, yes, but I also understand that James Baldwin was on to something when he implied the more we know, the more challenging it is to live in this world.
Here are some things you can do while dating to ensure the safety of your children.
1. Background Checks
If you weren’t already running background checks on those you date – now might be the time to begin. It isn’t a guarantee, but then again, nothing is. Verify the information that this person is offering, from education and employment to criminal record. And, double triple-check that they’re not a convicted sex offender via the National Sex Offender website.
2. Maintain Privacy
I’m already very unsure at what point to even tell a man that I’m a mother because of my concerns, but it’s a given that this information does have to be disseminated. However, do not allow men to know your home address or any other private information, such as your child’s school name, before you’re certain this is a person who can be trusted with that information.
3. Check in with Your Child
I know some parents feel like they’re not about to ask their child for permission, and I’m not saying you should…per se. But I think you should definitely pick your child’s brain about your dating if they’re old enough to articulate an opinion. I also think you should check in once you’ve introduced them to a partner to see what comes up for them being around that person. I truly do believe children have an untainted intuition.
4. Supervision
Do not leave your child with someone you’re dating until it feels right for everyone. A right feeling won’t hit you after two weeks or even two months. In fact, at that point, I don’t even think we’re basing it on how we feel intuitively. That’s just too damn soon, TO ME.
5. Communication
Remember, I said we’re here to protect our children physically and emotionally. As for the emotional aspect, the threat is not always abuse, but it can also be having temporary people enter their life under the pretense that this person is permanent. If the person courting you is not interested in being a parent and doesn’t want anything serious with a woman who has a child, it’s not your job to try to convince them. Let’s not subject our children to unnecessary disappointment, and it’s unnecessary because you could’ve read the room.
I’m not here fearmongering, but rather reassuring you that when it comes to your child’s safety, there may come a time when you find it safest to sacrifice romantic love. It’s not talked about enough, and somehow, I think many women may be thinking about it but are conflicted by how extreme of a measure it is.
Wrap your mind around a different fairytale ending – one where your kids don’t need saving from a prince charming because you’ve been prioritizing their safety all along.
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Everybody wants a baecation, and we get it! What’s better than knocking boots in the beach cabanas in the Bahamas? Or, better yet, bent over, dangling off the balcony the way Big Red had Flash in Five Heartbeats. But, pleasurably so! It’s a one-of-one sensation – vacation sex. If we’re being honest, you probably don’t have to do all of that to have your senses heightened by vacation sex; as we’d imagine, so much of it is better because it has a lot to do with our mental state being so relaxed.
Vacation sex presents the perfect opportunity to show up and be present with our partners in ways that we’re not accustomed to doing in the day-to-day grind. It’s intimacy on a different level – intimacy without the distractions of bills, children, and such.
For this reason, the sex is going to be a hit anytime, anyplace, when it’s occurring even a 100-mile radius away from life. You don’t need a beach, and you probably don’t even need to leave the hotel room. What you’d been searching for but severely lacking? That was space and opportunity.
With that said, we thought we’d offer you 5 different sex positions based on the scenery or environment or scenery of your vacation.
1.Beachside Serenity
We’re kicking it off for the exhibitionists! If you’re going the typical beach vacation route, take advantage of the beach at sunset or under the moonlight. You may want to spray some mosquito repellent on, though. Just thinking ahead, here. But, we digress. Simple is better when it comes to the positions, in my opinion, because this is already a bold statement. Think sex positions like missionary or spooning, which also provide closeness and comfort.
Missionary is simple enough, and we’re all grown-grown, so we’re going to forgo the explanation here. And spooning is just cuddling with penetration – whoever is penetrating will be the big spoon.
2.Adventure Retreat
If you're in a more secluded and adventurous location, consider trying positions including but not limited to standing or bent over, using a stable surface like a rock or tree (we don’t recommend coming close to the edge if you’re on an elevated rock).
3.Luxury Suite Lovemaking
HBO
In a luxurious hotel room, explore sex positions that take advantage of the space and comfort. Examples of this include the Lotus or any position that allows you to make use of a large bed. In order to get into the Lotus, one partner will be seated in the center of the bed, legs crossed, and feet pulled in close to them. The other partner will climb on top, bringing the two of you face-to-face; find stability by embracing your partner – hugging them with your arms and legs. Ten out of ten recommend to the lover girls due to the tremendous amount of intimacy this position oozes.
4.Mountain Escape
If you're in a cozy cabin or mountain retreat, embrace the warmth of the indoors. Take advantage of the warm aesthetic! Cowhide rug meets cowgirl/reverse cowgirl, allowing you to enjoy the comfort of a plush bed or soft surface. Cowgirl is a highly coveted woman-on-top position. Reverse cowgirl is just you facing away from your partner.
But, in either variation, there are some things to consider. What’s your stroke game like? Are we bounding, grinding, figure-eighting? Or, a combination? Are we on our feet or our knees? It all comes down to preference, so you will want to play around and find what feels more comfortable to both you and your partner.
Also, know that reverse cowgirl offers an opportunity for optimal pleasure because it hits both the clitoris and the G-spot. You can also add a vibrator to the mix!
5.City Lights Connection
If you’re opting for a staycation or city streets are just your vacay style, for one reason or another, consider sex positions that offer excitement and variety. The tried, true, and beloved doggy style is one way to go and a fan favorite (let's be real here). It can be everything and/or nothing – as intimate or distant as you’d like it to be. It allows for some roughhousing – hair tugging, grabbing, and my favorite – back-scratching.
But most of all, remember to do what feels most comfortable for your relationship and sex life. As mentioned earlier, vacation sex can be a great opportunity when you realize it’s only novel because it offers you “space and opportunity” that may not always be present in the monotony of life.
So, don’t allow there to be an immense amount of pressure surrounding outdoing your other sex – your regular sex – if we’re right, that will come naturally because you’ll be so in the moment. So rested. And, so relaxed. Lean into that like a true cowgirl!
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This TikToker Explains Why An 'Upcycled' Husband Is The Wave If You Want To Get Married In Your 30s
Single woman here! So, I spend a lot of time thinking about dating. And these days, I mean that quite literally. But I will say that I’ve been thinking about it and thinking about strategy for when I’m back out there. Hello! Because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. And I’m tired of throwing Stouffer’s spaghetti at the wall when I’m trying to make some shit straight out of Italy.
So, of course, the TikTok algorithm did what it does best and put me in the way of TikToker, Marshana Spavento, and the concept of an “upcycled” husband. She met (on Bumble, for the modern girlies) her husband at 37 and married him when she was 38, which some might look at as moving too fast, but it is also what people mean when they say “when men know – they know.”
Yes, I know we skipped a few beats here, going from dating to marriage, but just stay with me. Spavento talks not only about how, for women in their thirties looking to get married, an upcycled husband is the wave you want to ride. But, what’s more, she offers some helpful tips on how to get there based on her personal journey – dating intentionally, centering self-improvement, and not adhering to conversations about going dutch if what you desire is a “provider-type.”
What Is an Upcycled Husband?
@marshanadahlia Upcycled Husbands RULE!!!!! Trust me! Come join the second wives club! #UpcycledHusband #SecondWife #SecondWivesClub #Divorce #LoveAfterDivorce #DatingOver30 #DatingOver40 #Marriage #IntentionalDating #Dating #DatingTips #DatingAdvice #UpcycledWife #OnlineDating
According to Spavento, an “upcycled” husband can be defined as the following:
- Been a divorcee for anywhere from two to four years.
- Holds himself accountable for his role in the divorce.
- Doesn’t badmouth his ex-wife. He’s not scorned.
- He wants to get out there again and do things better. He’s learned, and he’s willing.
What Is a Recycled Husband?
Alternatively, she defines a “recycled” husband as the following:
- Married a handful of times.
- Continue making the same mistakes.
- May talk negatively about their ex or may have even lost custody of their children.
- Bitter, angry, etc, are signature traits.
- They’re willing to remarry but at your expense.
What Is a Downcycled Husband?
Morsa Images/ Getty Images
Lastly, there’s the “downcycled” husband who will essentially marry you just to throw you a bone. They’re not typically provider types but more often the 50-50 type. Sent straight from hell to ruin you – so run, girl! As the TikTok suggests, he’s not worth talking about, but the last thing to note is he’s very likely “homeless and only, probably, with you because he needs a place to stay.”
But the husband starts with you, friend (I’m talking to myself, too). Her entire page is dedicated to all the ways in which you can intentionally date. In fact, she more recently discusses how the “lottery method” in dating isn’t something she likes and how she did the work to get all that she has.
I’m going to share the intentional mindset shifts that stood out most to me are the ways in which you must show up for yourself, first!
1. Do the (Healing) Work
Spavento highly recommends going to therapy in order to work on yourself. As you’ll know, therapy is not simply for deeply traumatized people. My favorite thing to mention to people is what’s known as little ‘t’ trauma versus big ‘t’ trauma. Trauma is subjective, and the load carried doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some trauma is not as glaring to our subconscious, much less to the external world.
What I’m trying to say is don’t denounce therapy because your trauma isn’t more on the opposite spectrum. Go for the little shit because a million little things are just as heavy as one big thing or traumatic event.
2. Invest in Elevated Hobbies
This one is my favorite and something I’ve been trying to expand my bandwidth to include, anyway. I have a girlfriend who wakes up on Saturdays to go to a floral arranging class, and that’s when it hit me that we’re at that age! Truthfully, I love that these types of activities are being integrated in addition to brunch because going all in for a drunken brunch can get exhausting. Nevertheless, this is a great example of an elevated hobby.
While your hobbies shouldn’t center on finding a man, you do want to ensure your hobbies bring value to the lifestyle that you desire.
Learning how to arrange flowers is a great skill for hosting dinner parties and creating a loved living space. Not only are those things that center our feminine energy, but they attract the type of man who desires a homemaking wife.
Spavento highly recommends this, and both before and after meeting her husband continues to do things such as learn secondary languages. She speaks very highly of the benefits of picking up a second language. And, honestly, anyone with eyes can see the benefits as well. I mean, think of all the ways it elevates your career. Now, imagine how it can contribute to your everyday life. Worldly and well-traveled are skills that are valuable to both yourself and a high-value man.
3. Remember, Omission is Your Bestie
Take this with a grain of salt. But, essentially, you shouldn’t share how men in the past have wronged you. While this isn’t new advice, I really enjoyed the reframes that she offers in her video “Do NOT Lead With Your Pain.” As a single mother to a one-year-old, I curiously asked her what she would suggest saying since it’s very obvious that there’s clearly a story there. My good sis suggested telling men, “[The] relationship didn’t work due to wanting different things from life and his deeply personal issues, but you wish him the best.”
The reason it’s best to abstain from divulging these details has a lot to do with the unfortunate way that people will use these as a benchmark for how to treat you.
I’m going to use myself again here, but I often see the rhetoric from men that it’s ridiculous that a woman would have a trash baby’s father and then demand more from the next man. And, very often, they express that they’re uninterested in stepping up to be better for a woman that they essentially have written off due to her previously poor decisions and the decreased value after being shitted on by another man. But I guarantee that they’d still date her. And, in this scenario, it’s theorized that they would care for her based on the care they perceive she’s deserving of.
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Candice Adowole and Etiquette Lessons
Now, Spavento took etiquette lessons in Switzerland, but she is certainly aware of the investment and privilege that’s required to do such a thing. In that regard, she challenges you to invest in yourself and do a little searching to find something local or seek out tips online.
She also counters the “independent woman” culture with Candice Adewole’s Feminine Renaissance University, which is an online course. Alternatively, Adewole has inexpensive books and provides a condensed version of her teachings. The three books that she recommends are 1) A Black Girl’s Guide to Being Blissfully Feminine, 2) A Girl’s Guide to Being a Lady in Waiting, and 3) The Black Girl’s Guide to Living, Loving, and Traveling Abroad.
For all the talk about a soft life and such, it’s not discussed enough how, for Black women, leading a soft life is a learned behavior. That unwavering independence must be reworked to allow us to be vulnerable and so many other things. Otherwise, it’s rather challenging to attract a man who can also provide us with a soft life – the upcycled husband that we all deserve. I think that the fastest way to a soft life is to immerse yourself in soft life behaviors that include being well-rounded, well-read, and well-traveled.
And ultimately, as she reminds us, there’s no downside to elevating yourself. The worst thing that could happen from any of this is you come out on the other side better, and who doesn’t want that?
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As little people – as children – we tend to grow up idolizing our parents. And, for better or worse, we tend to emulate them in so many ways. But the truth is, we cannot be sure which point of view is steeped in our parents' belief system and those that are our own until we do some living. Soul searching, if you will. Arguably, many children (especially teens) have an innate curiosity about the world and may begin to slowly realize they’re not interested in sharing their parents’ P.O.V. on topics such as … let’s say…parenting. But I’m not entirely sure you can fully self-actualize until you’re an adult.
This is the developmental stage where you’re allotted autonomy that prior generations (sans conscious parenting) of children haven’t had access to. According to Allison Sharp, this is a spiritual process known as “decentering” our parents–particularly urging women to decenter their mothers. You’ve probably never heard this language, and that’s because it’s unique to Sharp’s work. And, with its impending popularity, she recently sought out a trademark to ensure she is properly credited for the phrase.
Now, before you get ready to tussle under the assumption that this is a diss track to all the healthy, happy mother-daughter duos. This is not that! In fact, decentering our mothers is a process that should happen regardless of the dynamic of that relationship, according to Sharp. And if we’re being completely transparent, I can attest to the fact that our mothers are our mothers no matter how much of a headcase they also are – and with that comes a desire for approval.
So now imagine you actually come from a mother who is loving and not at all narcissistic – frankly, I’d imagine that I’d value her opinion all the more because I’d idolize her even more.
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Still, this work may feel extremely challenging if you happen to come from a toxic upbringing. Sharp explains, “It is challenging for a woman coming from a narcissistic [and/or] toxic mother because you were told every day to go against your own spirit, and if you follow your spirit, you must be punished. The soul is seen as a liability to a mother who wishes to dismantle you.”
With all of this in mind, it sorta does make sense that the evolution to centering self begins with decentering our mothers rather than men or anyone else. If one is able to “identity outside of the woman [she] shared a body with, drank milk from and came out of, what makes you [men] think [she] can’t find [an] identity outside of you? There is a beautiful confidence that is born from that realization.”
The unfortunate reality is that by seeking her approval, you’re not actually living authentically. Because how could you live in your truth if you value her opinions above all else?
Sharp goes on to paint the picture of how we even come to center our mothers, referencing Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ book, Women Who Run with Wolves.
“It talks about how ‘the Ambivalent mother’ is taunted for having a daughter who is different, and because she is divided emotionally, she eventually gives in and bends her desires to please the village instead of aligning with her daughter. This is oftentimes a pattern within motherhood.” She goes on to add, “For us daughters, we are taught to center our mothers and to center the needs of the village while neglecting ourselves. We begin to grow with a distorted self-image, confidence, and self-esteem because we spent our early womanhood building and tending to others rather than ourselves.”
"For us daughters, we are taught to center our mothers and to center the needs of the village while neglecting ourselves."
1. Reflect on Your Beliefs
Take the time to reflect on your beliefs and opinions. Consider which ones align with your authentic self and which ones may have been inherited from your parents. This self-reflection is crucial in understanding your true values.
2. Establish Boundaries
It's essential to set boundaries to ensure that your decisions and choices are guided by your own needs and desires rather than the expectations or desires of your mother. Clearly define what is acceptable and what is not in terms of influence and interference.
3. Seek Independence
Embrace your autonomy as an adult. Make decisions independently, and don't let the fear of disapproval dictate your choices. Seeking independence allows you to live life on your terms, fostering personal growth and self-discovery.
4. Communicate Openly
Engage in open and honest communication with your mother. Express your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, even if they differ from hers. Healthy communication is key to building understanding and breaking free from the pattern of centering your mother.
5. Forgive and Let Go
Holding onto resentment or an idealized image of your mother can hinder your journey to authenticity. Forgive past misunderstandings, acknowledge imperfections, and let go of unrealistic expectations. This process is liberating and allows you to reclaim your own narrative.
6. Focus on Self-Care
Prioritize self-care and self-love. Redirect the energy you might have spent seeking approval toward nurturing your well-being. This includes physical, emotional, and mental self-care practices that contribute to your overall happiness and fulfillment.
7. Build a Support System
Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, mentors, or like-minded individuals who encourage your individuality. Having a strong support system outside of the mother-daughter relationship provides additional perspectives and validation.
8. Embrace Your Individuality
Celebrate your uniqueness and embrace your individuality. Understand that it is okay to have different beliefs, dreams, and goals from your mother. Embracing your own path allows you to lead a more fulfilling and authentic life.
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Though doing the work on your own is possible, if you’re anything like me, you may want a therapist to help the process along. Frankly, I imagine this is actually the perfect nontraumatic scenario to reach out to a therapist. In fact, I spoke with Nicole Lewis, LCSW, a Mental Health Therapist and Coach for Black women, and she was able to provide insight on what therapy surrounding this topic may look like.
Lewis says, “I approach the concept of ‘decentering’ when a client tells me they're ready to work on that. Some clients are not aware that their relationships with their mothers could be causing them so much distress. Once they acknowledge that this is an issue that they want to work on, we explore the roles that family members played in their lives. We especially focus on the mother-child relationship and how that dynamic has had an impact on them.”
Though each therapist is different, Lewis shares some of the approaches she might take if any one of us were sitting on her couch or telehealth session.
“A few therapeutic approaches that I use to help support individuals through the process of decentering include Family Systems Therapy to understand the dynamics and interactions within the family. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) helps process emotions, memories, and beliefs related to the mother-child relationship. I also connect clients to other communities or support groups to build their support systems, as it is difficult to work through this alone.”
What happens if there’s a bump in the road? Well, “there are many ways to address potential challenges or resistance that clients might face in therapy, including building a rapport with the client so they can feel safe while discussing their thoughts, normalizing and validating their feelings, identifying core beliefs that produce internal conflicts about the mother-child relationship, collaborating with the client on the goals they want to reach when decentering their mother, and providing plenty of psychoeducation on codependency, attachment, estrangement, and fear of abandonment.”
Whatever you take away from this, please keep in mind that decentering your mother is not about severing ties or disrespecting her. It's a transformative journey towards reclaiming your own identity, making choices that resonate with your true self, and living authentically. And, the consequence of never knowing you outside of her – of never removing her from “the pedestal,” Sharp continues, “you will go your whole life searching for answers outside of you that only lie within you.”
But more than anything, I encourage everyone in the process of or beginning the process to give yourself space and grace to feel all the things that may come with that – especially those of us who come from toxic or narcissistic mothers. Remember that every time you’ve attempted to “follow your spirit,” you were likely punished.
She adds, and I think this piece is really important in the sentiment of being gracious with yourself, “A woman who is resurrecting is unlearning all the things that once rang as truth to her. That kind of work is incredibly hard and heartbreaking.”
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By no means are doulas new, but the way we’ve come to view them is for sure evolving on the regular. And what I mean to say is that for so long we’ve viewed them through this narrow scope as birth workers only. However, as the world progresses there has become an expansion in the types of doulas readily available to serve the community.
Typically, doulas are defined as “a trained professional who provides continuous physical, emotional, and informational support to their client before, during, and shortly after childbirth to help them achieve the healthiest, most satisfying experience possible.” This is according to DONA International or Doulas of North America. Allow me to also point out that while doulas can also double as health professionals, the role of a doula alone is not that of a health professional.
However, similar professionals are using the label doula to provide the “healthiest, most satisfying” experience in various life events or activities that deserve minimal trauma and maximum joy (and a reframe that allows for it in even the bleakest circumstances).
In this day and age, there are at least 9 different types of doulas you can seek out and while many of them are in regards to bearing children, you might be surprised to find what the other types of doulas’ work consist of.
1. Labor and Birth Doula
The type of doula we most commonly recognize is a labor and birth doula. They are the OG doula in the game and their work aligns most with the aforementioned definition – their specialty lies in providing prenatal, labor, and delivery care which includes advocating for patients. This makes them especially appealing to Black women who have an alarmingly high maternal mortality rate.
Doulas are a reminder that advocacy comes in so many forms including education, which is part of the prenatal doula service offered. They provide the tools and guidance sometimes necessary to create a birth plan; show you positions that most OBs won’t bother mentioning that help make all stages of labor easier; and so much more.
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2. Sensuality/Sexuality Doula
While the concept is rather new and seems to be carried by self-proclaimed sensualist and sexuality doula Ev’Yan Whitney, I believe this is one of the most necessary types of soul experiences. On their website, Ev’Yan states that their duties include the following: “[To] educate, facilitate, support, guide, and hold space for folks who are ready to step out of shame, confusion, and fear within their sexuality and want to come into authentic expression of their sexual, sensual selves—whatever that looks like for them.”
For me, a sexuality expert could potentially be helpful to people wanting to be pregnant because the way we view sex and our bodies during and after pregnancy can be largely associated with the shame we’ve been taught—this is why I stand by it being one of the most imperative, overarching categories of service offered by a doula.
3. Death Doula
4. Antepartum Doula
While birth doulas come in during the labor and postpartum doulas come in afterward, antepartum doulas come in at any point for moms-to-be who need mental health support. Because yes, pregnancy blues is a thing, and no, not everyone enjoys the transition that is pregnancy. They also help out with moms who have medical restrictions, such as bed rest for those who simply need help due to having multiple children.
5. Postpartum Doula
Postpartum doulas sweep in after you’ve delivered your baby and support you in the 4th trimester, where both you and the baby are finding a new identity—yours more intertwined with your little bundle of joy. These doulas will come over to the house and hold the baby while you shower, clean the house, or take a nap.
Some might even bring you meals to be sure you’re eating, which is just one way that they provide breastfeeding support. This is a service they offer regardless of whether you have a spouse or not, whether you have multiple children or not.
6. Abortion Doula
Abortion doulas pick up the slack and possibly are even more helpful than abortion clinic counselors who are required to read a state-mandated checklist, legally. They answer questions (often debunking bullshit myths) before and after abortion, and help arrange childcare and nutritious meals for their clients seeking abortion care.
They also offer calming touch and massage with their clients' consent to minimize pain, discomfort, or anxiety. I do, however, wonder how the scope of their role will shift in a post-Roe society.
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7. Fertility Doula
More and more people trying to get pregnant are seeking fertility treatments. However, even if you have never sought out fertility treatment, one thing the mainstream dialogue around the topic has taught us is that it’s not an easy process. With that in mind, fertility doulas offer support to clients individually and with their families. Similar to every other type of doula, they provide resources, knowledge, and in some cases physical support.
8. Indigenous Doula
This is another all-encompassing type of doula here! An indigenous doula is here to accomplish advocacy that ensures indigenous people's cultural practices are carried out in every trimester of childbearing, including the fourth. They also make sure they have a positive overall experience, given the fact that so many minority pregnant people do not have the most positive birthing experiences.
9. Transition Doula
“Transition” doula is a very vague term, meaning it can be tricky figuring out just what it means. With a quick Google search, you might find death doulas also referring to themselves as transition doulas and even birth doulas who offer all the mommy services, from labor to postpartum (because it’s…well…transitional). But it can best be understood as a gender doula, or a doula who provides companionship and such to the growing spectrum (queer, non-binary, trans, etc.). They are mainly there to support various transitions including but not limited to medical, non-surgical, and herbal.
Doulas are there to provide comfort and support during major life events. In a world of capitalism, they are as person-centered as possible with goals that prioritize helping underserved communities. In fact, during my pregnancy I’ve had the help of three doulas splitting the work of one—they’ve provided me with resources, meals when I couldn’t find it in me to cook nutritiously, and will be by my side in labor and delivery.
And in some cases, you might be able to find a doula who offers a combination of these services, whether it be postpartum and antepartum, sexuality and postpartum, abortion and transition. Doulas are here to help and support the collective, not a capitalistic agenda and that’s what makes them so great!
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If you frequent TikTok, you’re well aware of its many different sectors–whatever it is that you’re looking for can be found on the social media platform, from beauty tips and style advice to morning and evening routines. TikTok is also a great resource for relationship advice! It goes without saying that you should take what you find on TikTok with a grain of salt or double-check with your own provider depending on what advice you’re seeking out.
One professional handing out a wealth of relationship advice is Jeff Gunther, LPC who I stumbled across via TikTok. Late last month, he dropped a TikTok entitled "8 questions to ask your sweetie before you become exclusive" that featured 8 top-tier questions to ask a potential partner for a deeper dive before making things official-official.
Similarly to the topics that couples should discuss early on in dating to establish what might be non-negotiables, the questions that Gunther proposes to precede exclusivity in your relationships are a great indicator of whether to move the relationship forward or take a step back. “None of these questions are deal-breakers unless you want them to be deal-breakers," Gunther tells xoNecole. "I believe all the answers can be talked about and processed successfully before you decide to commit to a new partner. However, if the majority of these answers are not to your liking you may end up either delaying becoming exclusive or ending things so that you can go find someone who’s a better match.”
Additionally, Gunther recommends revisiting these questions and the responses every six months as a relationship check-in as a means to stay on the same page. “People grow and change in relationships and it’s important [that] you’re still a good match as you move forward," he explains.
Okay, but what are the questions? I’m sure you’re wondering as I go on my tangent. Keep reading to learn more about the 8 questions to ask before becoming exclusive and why.
@therapyjeff 8 questions to ask your sweetie before you become exclusive.#mentalhealth #therapy #therapytok #relationshiptips #dating #datingadvice
8 Questions To Ask Before Becoming Exclusive
1. What is your definition of 'cheating'?
As Gunther pointed out in his TikTok, the definition of cheating can differ from person to person and therefore from relationship to relationship. There are different types of cheating (i.e. emotional cheating, sexual cheating) and different levels of cheating (i.e. online affairs, sexual fantasies, financial infidelity). And because cheating has levels to it, one person might have a hard line of no intimate contact of any kind with a person outside of themselves.
Another person might be more flexible in their approach to things like flirting, watching porn, fantasizing, etc. In order to be aligned on what crossing a line and what respecting a line looks like, this question should definitely be discussed.
2. What kind of relationship do you want?
Relationships are not one size fits all and can be tailored to the ideal that both (or more) parties desire. In addition to the more traditional monogamous relationship, there are also nonmonogamous relationships like monogamish, solo-poly, a free relationship, and the more well-known polyamory. Also, just because people might decide to be in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean the 'structure' they are after in a relationship is the same across the board. Again, one size does not fit all.
There might be rules or boundaries that are necessary to put in place and respect if a relationship is to take place. For example, guidelines like sharing passwords or not sharing passwords might be discussed or if people share a living space, a boundary of what alone time in a relationship looks like might be established.
3. What type of kinky stuff are you into?
In regards to kinky stuff, Gunther briefly explains in his video, "You're not trying to yuck their yum, you're just trying to know what to expect." And that is the perfect way to approach this particular question. When it comes to discussing taboo topics, even in the safety of partnership, it can feel a little daunting, especially when there can be an element of sexual shame looming in the atmosphere. Approach this question with an open mind and allow people to express their fetishes, fantasies, and kinks freely. After that, it can be decided whether those kinks work for both parties or if they absolutely don't.
4. What’s your biggest worry about me?
Though the nature of the questions doesn’t seem harmful at all, it is possible for everyone’s perception to differ. This immediately made me wonder what it looks like to have this conversation with ease–doing so in a way that creates as safe and comfortable of a space as possible rather than tension and guardedness. In particular, Gunther suggests that we “enter into this question with curiosity and do your best to be compassionate. We all have red flags. Most of us don’t know what they are.”
It can feel like a loaded question to prompt an ask that prompts someone to convey a concern, worry, doubt, fear, or red flag and it is easy for the response to trigger a desire to go on the defense. Instead of going on the defense, welcome that feedback as the gift that it is. He adds that the opportunity is in fact a "chance to reassure them or give them more context about something they’re fearful about. This question allows you two to be honest about how you’re feeling instead of keeping it bottled up and hoping for the best!”
5. Are you okay with being my primary support person?
As humans, we all rely on others for support from time to time. Because we have emotional needs, it is natural to look to a partner for support, especially in relationships. In relationships, the people in them tend to lean on each other more than those outside of the relationship. For this question, it is important to understand how emotionally supportive and available your potential partner may be in relation to the relationship. If the answer to the question is no and therefore there is more of a need to rely on your community than the other person in the relationship, Gunther prompts his viewers to ask themselves, "Am I okay with that?" If you are, that's totally fine. And if you're not, that's fine too.
6. What are you giving the most energy to right now (school, work, family, friends, this relationship)?
When thinking about pushing a relationship forward into exclusivity, what the other person realistically has the capacity for is an important element to factor in. Understanding where you and the relationship potentially rank on someone's list of priorities and how that impacts the health of your relationship and your happiness should be discussed sooner rather than later. "If your sweetie is focusing more on work instead of the relationship and you’re let down with that answer it is 100% appropriate to ask them for a timeline of when they’ll be able to prioritize you over everything else. It’s also 100% appropriate for them to tell you that they don’t have an answer.”
Another example could be seeing one another frequently throughout the week is important to one person, but the other person doesn't have the bandwidth to accommodate or prioritize the relationship the way you would like to be prioritized -- that's something that needs to be discussed. Likewise, if there is room to accommodate different priorities and less in-person time together is something that could be respected (not just tolerated), that should be discussed too. Like the seasons, energy and priorities can shift, which is why doing relationship check-ins every six months or so is encouraged so that everyone stays on the same page.
7. Does anyone else think they’re in a relationship with you right now?
This question right here! In today's dating landscape, gray areas can be commonplace and the status of a relationship could very well be up in the air, or at the very least unclear to everyone involved. If the two of you are casual and have still been entertaining other people, or even if there are some persistent exes looming, this question is very valid and should be asked before moving into the official relationship category. That way it is clear to both parties if the two of you are single-single or if there is some communication that might need to take place to make boundaries clear to people outside of your relationship out of respect for the relationship you are creating with each other.
8. What do you think is most important that I should be aware of?
And for the last question, it's an open-ended one that allows both parties to take the stage and share anything they feel is important to share with the other person. Overall, you want to be present in the conversation, even when you aren’t necessarily fond of the feedback or response you’re receiving. By being present and responding with curiosity, you come closer to making a sound decision regarding the potential of the information. This is always the case – the more information, the better you’re able to make your decision.
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