
Really, y'all. At this point, who hasn't heard that 70-75 percent of women are unable to experience a vaginal orgasm? What I wanna know is how many women are able to "see the mountaintop", each and every time they have sex, period? That's the real story. Because I'm here to tell you that even though I do happily and gratefully fall into the "other 25 percent", it has been super fascinating to me how I've been able to orgasm (not just vaginally but any kind) quickly and easily AF on some days while then wondering if I made it all up in my head on others—and most times, this self-evaluating would happen with the same partner—well, partners.
2020 took a lot from us and 2021 is already showing its ass. If there's one area where I think it's time that we took even more of our power back, it's as it relates to consistently climaxing. If you've read, even a little of my content on here, you know that I'm a firm believer that pondering the right questions is what can help us to get to the solution of almost any problem. And when it comes to this particular query, I really do believe that the (honest) answers to the following five questions can get you off of the orgasm-roller-coaster ride so that each and every time can be…just what you want it to be.
1.Are You into Him Enough?
There is someone on Twitter, who has a pretty big following, and who professes to be a sex therapist. Yet the more I read her content, I'm not so sure because she is extremely focused on the physical side of only. Case in point—something that she thinks is utterly ridiculous is soul ties. Listen, even if you don't personally believe that the sex you have with folks creates a spiritual and emotional connection with them (check out "Soul Ties Are A Thing: Is Your Sexual Past 'Haunting' You?"), I'm not sure how anyone can debate the scientific proof that oxytocin (a natural hormone in our body that sends various messages to our brain) is triggered during sexual acts and makes us feel closer to the ones we're having sex with. Automatically so. That's how it earned the nickname "the love hormone". Plus, both men and women alike will admit that sex is so much better when they actually have some sort of bond with the person who they're engaging with.
With all of that being said, let's start here. When you think back on the times when you have had an orgasm, how did you feel about your partner at the time? And when you weren't, how did you feel about them then? There are plenty of wives out here who will tell you that when they are in sync with their hubby, it's super easy to hang from the chandeliers; oh, but when he has totally pissed her off, there's a disconnect that even the best sex techniques aren't able to fix.
Feeling close to, safe with, and cherished by your partner is a foundational part of having orgasms more consistently. If you aren't, reflect on if this is how you (currently) feel in their space—both in and out of the bedroom.
2.Do You Feel Safe Enough?
Speaking of safe, still to this day, the person I've had the most vaginal orgasms with is someone I was absolutely not the most physically attracted to. Not by a long shot. So, how did he earn that coveted title? I adored him on a friendship level which caused me to trust him enough to not physically tense up or mentally overthink. And when a woman feels safe with a man, there really is no limit to what she is willing to do for—or with him.
It's kind of sad that the only thing a lot of us qualify as being "safe" is whether or not someone will put us in physical danger. Believe you me, as someone who has felt neglected and emotionally abused (both in my family and with certain so-called friendships and relationships), being in the company of those who make you feel emotionally secure feels like nothing else can. So, on the sexual tip, if you're not always seeing fireworks with your partner, this is something else that you should get down to the bottom of. Does he make you feel protected? Does he make you feel like you are more than enough (secure)? Does he make you feel like you can totally get your guard down? Does he make you feel like he can handle your vulnerabilities and insecurities? Does he make you feel like what happens between the two of you remains there and that you are not being compared to anyone else or judged?
Some women don't even think this deeply about their sexual experiences. Oh, but they should. Because the reality is there would probably be a lot more orgasms going on if emotional safety was treated with the utmost importance that it deserves.
3.Are You Wet Enough?
It's no secret that we cum more when there is direct clitoral stimulation. Well, in order for that to happen, we've gotta be willing to open up. Literally. Sometimes, the reason why we are able to have an outstanding night one day and a yawner the next is because we are more adventurous on some days than others.
If you've automatically decided to only do missionary in the dark before things even get started or that trying a position that you've never done before is totally out of the question, this could be yet another reason why you're not having orgasms as often as you want them to.
For the almost three years that I've been writing consistent for this platform, I've touched on orgasms and sex hacks quite a bit (check out "What Is A Super Orgasm & How Can I Have One?", "How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?", "15 Sex Hacks To Take Your Bedroom Action To The Next Level", "10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently" and "How To Have Mind-Blowing Multiple Orgasms. Tonight, Chile."). A part of the reason is that I'm all about people having the best sex ever. Another reason is that, no matter how much any of us may think that we already know about coitus, there is clearly more to learn. Being open about trying new things can also help you to orgasm more consistently because it loosens you the heck up. An open mind and open well, you know, are the perfect combo for climaxing more consistently. How open are you, chile?
4.Are You Relaxed Enough?
There's no way to get around the fact that when it comes to having a vaginal orgasm, some of it has to do with the way you were born. What I mean by that is it's true that the closer a woman's clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for her to climax via intercourse. Yet do you know what else really gets things going along? Lubrication. I don't care if it's naturally from your va-jay-jay or you need a little help in the lube department, the wetter you are, the better sex is gonna be for you. The main reason why is because, especially during intercourse, there is a lot of friction going on. Too much of that, without some "wetness" to take some of the stress off of your vaginal walls, can result in discomfort rather than sheer pleasure.
Here's the thing about this particular point. The more aroused you are, the greater your chance from getting wetter will be. This means that if you've got a guy who sucks at foreplay, that could hinder your orgasms. Not only that but if your hormones are imbalanced, you are going through menopause (which plays a role in your hormones being all over the place), you are dehydrated (no joke), you're breastfeeding, you smoke, you're on certain medications (ones that treat depression, for example) or you're stressed TF out—this also could prevent the rain from coming down, down below. And a vagina that is like the Sahara is gonna really struggle with having an orgasm.
Out of all of the questions that I'm sharing here, this one has a potential medical component. If you're noticing that your wetness is super inconsistent, it certainly can't hurt to make an appointment with your physician. In the meantime, again, lube is our friend. Shoot, even when there's not an underlying condition, lube can be that. #wink
5.Are You “Open” Enough?
There is not one doctor or sex expert who will disagree with the fact that sex is better for all parties involved with everyone is relaxed. When it comes to us specifically, when we're not chilled out, it can cause us to tense up—not only can that prevent an orgasm, it can actually make sex pretty uncomfortable, if not flat-out painful.
For some of us, relaxing means having a soak in the tub. For others, it could be enjoying an alcoholic beverage (whether it's hot or cold). Some of us would prefer a puff-puff-pass experience. Maybe it's engaging in some orgasmic medication or taking a whiff of an aphrodisiac essential oil. Hell, some of us need to take a damn nap first. The point is, the calmer and more at peace you are, the easier it will be to get aroused and to experience an orgasm. If you're skipping this step, no wonder you're not having as many climaxes as you would like!
Are there other things that could be standing between you and more orgasms? I'm sure there are. I also believe that if you've had them with your current partner before and you simply want it to be more often, getting a five out of five score on this can help to make that a sure thing. So, put some serious thought into all of what I said, OK? Because the only thing better than an orgasm is having one all of the time. Whew, chile.
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
These Black Women Left Their Jobs To Turn Their Wildest Dreams Into Reality
“I’m too big for a f***ing cubicle!” Those thoughts motivated Randi O to kiss her 9 to 5 goodbye and step into her dreams of becoming a full-time social media entrepreneur. She now owns Randi O P&R. Gabrielle, the founder of Raw Honey, was moving from state to state for her corporate job, and every time she packed her suitcases for a new zip code, she regretted the loss of community and the distance in her friendships. So she created a safe haven and village for queer Black people in New York.
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.

Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.

Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.

Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023









