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World Cancer Day: The Empowering Ways Black Women Tap Into Healing
The subject of cancer is one that always hits a super-sensitive sore spot for me. I've lost several women in my family, who were very dear to me, to breast cancer, and while I can always remember them in my heart, reminiscing on their last days and reliving the disappointment about how I'll never get the chance to share pivotal experiences with them in my adulthood still hurts.
And I'm not alone: Between 1999 and 2020, 909,488 Black people died from complications of breast cancer, the CDC reports, devastating their families psychologically and financially. Non-Hispanic Black women have the highest death rates for this type of cancer as well, and it's not just something that hits middle-aged or elderly women, either. The Breast Cancer Research Association notes that young Black women (under 50) have double the mortality rate of young white women for breast cancer.
And that's not the only type of cancer that disproportionately affects us. Overall more than 224,000 new cancer deaths are expected this year, with more than 73,000 of those occurring among Black people, according to the American Cancer Society. Black women are twice as likely to die from uterine cancer as white women, the ACS reports, and we are more likely to be diagnosed with stomach, liver, and pancreatic cancer. While the reasons for the disparity of diagnosis and deaths are complex (and, according to research, "likely rooted in systemic racism" that affects access to quality care, information, resources, and support), there are ways we can work toward prevention and higher survival rates.
All of these stats can seem daunting, but there's a flip side of cancer that entails prevention methods, survival, redemption, self-love, and healing. It's been proven that early detection is linked to high survival rates, and the path to that is routine screenings and tests.
Experts recommend getting educated on the terminology and tests associated with cancers, embracing early detection methods for cancers that disproportionately impact Black women, finding out about your risks related to lifestyle and family history, keeping up with your monthly, bi-annually, and/or yearly check-ups (including overall physicals and pap smears,) and working to actively lead an overall healthy life.
For this year's World Cancer Day, which falls on February 4, let's take a look back at the insights of cancer survivors who have shared their stories with xoNecole over the years, from diagnosis to acceptance, to self-care and more:
Lindsey Walker on Using Your Voice and Offering Yourself Grace
"As for me, I learned to listen to myself and my body. I learned to put myself first and care less about what others had to say about me, my life, and my decisions. I learned to love myself for who I am and be gracious to myself. I'd spent most of my life trying to fit into this box that I was never meant to fit in the first place. I learned to give myself permission to be whoever I needed to be for me. And I learned that I, Lindsey Walker, can defeat all of my burdens. Even if it's cancer."
"Don't be afraid to speak up for yourself, if you feel that something is wrong, despite the doctor's orders, say something. And say something yesterday. It can make all the difference in the world. It could save your life."
Natalie Wilson on Coping With Surgeries and Loving Her Body
"Having my breasts are no doubt a physical reflection of my womanhood, but it's not a reflection of my core being as a woman. I've learned a lot more this time around. I've reevaluated everything in my life, again, such as my relationships, my goals, my stressors, my spirituality, my health."
"I am still beautiful, inside and out. It's been a physical and emotional journey, and I am still recovering, and all the while I've done it with the help of God, my family, friends, inner strength, courage, and... a little bit of lipstick."
(Read her full story on being diagnosed with and surviving breast cancer here.)
Erica Fraser on Living Life to the Fullest No Matter What
"After my diagnosis, I promised myself I wouldn't stop going after the things I wanted in life. I've gotten a better job, added two great people to my friendship circle, developed some new creative outlets, had many fun nights dancing awkwardly in DC, and made many memories with dope people. Good things are happening. And every time they happen, I lean into them. Fully."
"When joy is present, I reach out and grab it. When grief is present, I try to let myself sit in it."
"I have to have faith that I can make it through the parts of life that will be beautiful and the parts of life that will be terrifying because this is what it means to live a full life."
(Read her full story of being diagnosed with and surviving thyroid cancer here.)
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This New Scalp Care Line Is Exactly What Your Wash Days Need
This post is in partnership with SheaMoisture.
When it comes to healthy hair care, there are a few things that will help you achieve healthy strands: a healthy hair care regime, hydration, consistent treatments, and scalp care. While scalp care is one of the most neglected practices, it is also one of the most important. Why? Because it helps promote healthy hair growth, clear hair follicles, and remove build-up.
When it comes to creating a healthy scalp routine, it helps to know exactly what you’re up against so you know how to specifically treat it. Two of the most common concerns are dandruff and dry scalp. It can be tough to decipher which is which, but here’s a quick breakdown: dry scalp is caused by a lack of moisture in the skin, while dandruff is caused by an excess of oil and yeast buildup on the scalp. Knowing that both of these are big concerns, SheaMoisture released two separate product lines to address both issues: the Scalp Moisture collection and the Anti-Dandruff collection.
Needless to say, if you tend to experience dandruff then I’d recommend you try the Anti-Dandruff collection. However, my biggest concern has always been dry scalp. A lack of moisture on the scalp can be caused by several factors like weather, age, and hair products to name a few. I’ve noticed that when I use certain gels or skip out on a deep scalp cleanse, my roots feel itchy and dry nonstop, which is uncomfortable.
The only way to relieve the discomfort is to properly wash and moisturize my roots, so I tried the Scalp Moisture collection and this is what I thought.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
First, What’s In The Collection?
The Scalp Moisture collection is a four-product line that includes a pre-wash masque, a moisturizing shampoo and conditioner, and a moisturizing scalp cream. Each product uses moisturizing and strengthening ingredients like aloe butter and vitamin B3 as active ingredients to provide eight times the moisture. Together, aloe butter and vitamin B3 work to restore dry and brittle hair, as well as add relief to the scalp.
Now, let’s break down each product…
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque may actually be the all-star of the collection. Using this deep conditioning masque is one of the best ways to target your dry scalp, restore hydration, and nourish your strands before shampooing.
I started by completely saturating my hair and scalp with water, then making small sections to apply the masque directly to the root. For my girls who have experience with relaxers and perms, it helps to apply the masque to your roots just like you would do with a relaxer. This way you can make sure you’ve covered as much of your scalp as possible while minimizing any breakage.
Pro tip: you can also use a color application brush to make this step easier.
After I completely covered my scalp, I massaged the product into my roots, used any excess on my strands, then left the masque in for 30 minutes. I was shocked by how moisturizing and clarifying my scalp and hair felt. One of the things that I love about the masque is the slip and how much softer it made my hair. While this is marketed as a scalp care product, it can completely transform your hair from dry and parched to completely hydrated.
In my opinion, the downside of this masque is that the quantity is too small for my liking. Truth be told, naturals go through deep conditioners faster than any other product (especially when it’s this good.) So SheaMoisture, if you’re reading this, we’d love a bigger jar.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Shampoo
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Shampoo is a gentle cleanser packed with the same moisture as the masque. The pearl-colored shampoo is lightweight with a serum-like consistency and a light and clean scent. The smell is pleasant, subtle, and not overbearing. When I applied the shampoo, I noticed immediately that it foams and lathers up very quickly, so less is more.
After applying the shampoo, I parted my hair and started at the roots to target as much of my scalp as possible. I recommend really taking the time to work the product and massage your scalp as much as possible.
Pro tip: using a scalp massager makes it easier and it feels amazing.
Once you start to massage your hair you’ll feel the product start to work. There’s a tingling sensation that might catch you off guard if you’re not used to it, but it’s not nearly as strong as other scalp products I’ve tried. I know some may not appreciate the sensation, but I loved it! My scalp felt clean, light, and breathable.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Conditioner
Like the shampoo, the SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Conditioner shares that pearly color and serum-like feel. It applies very easily while softening and moisturizing your hair. When I applied it to my hand, it gave my hands a lotion-like feel, which speaks volumes about its hydration capabilities. I also loved that the conditioner comes with a pump, instead of having to squeeze the product out – to me, it makes application easier.
I typically apply my conditioner to the ends first but because this is a scalp care product I started at the root and worked my way down to my ends. I did leave the conditioner in for ten minutes, although the bottle recommends leaving it in for three. The conditioner also provides that same breathable feel to your scalp. I honestly loved the relief.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Cream
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Cream is more of a daily relief product for your roots rather than your overall hair. It’s great for providing moisture and immediate relief to a dry and itchy scalp. Just like most of the collection, it gives a light and breathable feel – without the tingle. The applicator bottle targets specific parts of your scalp and makes applying easier.
Pro tip: I typically just squeeze the bottle to wherever I need the relief and use the tip to massage it into my scalp so it doesn’t mess up the hairstyle.
Overall, SheaMoisture’s scalp care line lives up to its claims – it moisturizes, strengthens, and provides immediate scalp relief. I definitely recommend trying the Scalp Moisture collection for an affordable way to treat itchy and dry scalp.
Featured image by Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
The Matchmaking DUO Shares What Keeps Many Women Single And Tips For Navigating Dating Successfully
One topic of conversation that I find myself in when talking with girlfriends is dating. Questions like, “Why is dating so hard? “Will I ever get married?” “Why am I still single?” usually comes up, and then it turns into a whole venting session with everyone sharing their dating woes. Honestly, it’s tiring. However, I can’t help but wonder why are so many of us in the same boat. After talking to the co-owners of Fisher Gilmore Matchmaking (FGM), the Matchmaking DUO, Kelli K. Fisher, and Tana C. Gilmore, I now understand some of the reasons why many of my good sistas are still single.
But first, let’s get into why Kelli and Tana are qualified to speak on dating and relationships. As two Black women who are in successful marriages, they have experienced the ups and downs that happen in many relationships, and they were able to overcome them. And as self-proclaim “heart hunters,” they are helping many Black singles find love through their matchmaking business.
Both women worked together in corporate but ended up making the transition into matchmaking after finding themselves constantly giving dating and relationship advice to others. Kelli, a dating coach, and Tana, a relationship coach, formed FGM and are now celebrating its 10-year anniversary. Their services included coaching and matchmaking, and they recently launched their Modern Dating Academy, which is a cost-effective membership. They have recruiters who they refer to as “love liaisons” whose mission is to find people and add them to their database for potential matchmaking. But how do you know if matchmaking is for you?
According to Kelli and Tana, there are a few reasons.
“A person should invest in a matchmaker when they have realized that they need some support, they need some help. When you want the home of your dreams, you hire a realtor, when you want something done, you hire a contractor. You hire professionals for every other area in your life,” Tana began. “When you want a specific job, you want a recruiter. We're heart hunters like we stated earlier, so [if] you're looking for something different, you're looking for something specific, why not hire a professional that does this every day, all day? This is what we do and what we do well.
“We're one of the most highly sought-after agencies in the country. So I think it's very important for you to invest in yourself, invest in your life, in your personal life as well. We do it all the time for so many other things, this is just as important, if not more important. This is your legacy. We're helping build your legacy.”
"I think it's very important for you to invest in yourself, invest in your life, in your personal life as well. We do it all the time for so many other things, this is just as important, if not more important. This is your legacy. We're helping build your legacy.”
During our interview, Kelli and Tana dished on the number one reason why many of us seem to be struggling in the dating world and some simple tips to overcome it.
Kelli Fisher (L) and Tana Gilmore (R).
Photo courtesy of Kelli Fisher and Tana GilmoreWhat We Have Been Taught Vs. Reality
Kelli suggested that for many of us, our upbringing has influenced how we approach dating, which isn’t working in our favor. “I would say the biggest problem that I see now is just the difference between what we’ve been raised to do culturally and the times today in dating. So, when you think of culturally, you think of women are supposed to sit back. They’re supposed to not be too forward, they're supposed to, you know, not give too much attention. Let someone court you, that type of thing, but really the wave of dating now is where, you know, everybody can swipe left,” Kelli explained.
“They can swipe right, they can have another date, so if you don’t offer enough of an experience on a date, then you’re gone, or they’re gone, so you know it’s almost like you have to show more than we’re trained to do, so you have to get feedback. You have to have a fun experience. You have to give enough for someone to say, ‘Oooh, let me call this person back because I can’t wait to hear more,’ and that is the discrepancy I think a lot of times in where we are today with dating.”
Unrealistic Expectations
Another reason why many women may be single is because of unrealistic expectations. However, this also stems from what they saw and were taught growing up.
“I also think that their expectations are unrealistic sometimes about what’s out there and what they can command and what they can’t,” said Tana. “So, I think that that’s sometimes a problem when it comes to the matchmakers just having that reality check with them, and I think that we do that well because it comes from a soft space and a place. But we want to make sure and ensure that they know exactly what’s out here, exactly what to do when it’s in front of you, and just kinda help them progress forward because, again, unfortunately, our Black women don’t really have the relationship skill sets because we were never taught them.
“They don’t teach it in school, and it's not taught in the home. You don’t really see it to be a model sometimes, and then when you do, you don’t see the tough times as well, so you don’t know how to deal with conflict resolution or things like that. So, sometimes when that’s all that they've seen growing up, we’re having to start from scratch and really help them create their own love blueprint of what it looks like for them.”
Pro-stock studio/ Getty Images
Believing Success In Career Equates To Success In Relationships
Last but not least, Kelli touched on how families valuing women’s careers over their personal life can have a negative effect on their dating lives. “I think we are raised as Black women to feel like your value in a relationship is tied to your career and your success, and so you know our families celebrate that. ‘Oh, this woman is a doctor.’ ‘This one is a lawyer.’ ‘This one’s an engineer.’ No one’s celebrating, ‘Oh, she got married, and she’s a wonderful wife and mother,’ not as much as the career,” Kelli admitted.
“So, it’s like almost thinking that, 'Okay, well, she is a doctor. She’s gonna be an amazing wife,' and the skills don’t transfer. It's two different skill sets that we have to really build up, one as much as the other, a lot of times.”
Winning Tips To Help You Navigate The Dating World Successfully
While there may be some factors keeping some of us single, you don’t have to stay single for long, if that’s your choice, of course. According to Kelli and Tana, when you walk out of your door, you are “on the market,” so always be ready to meet a potential suitor. Whether that’s the grocery store, Tana suggested going to the grocery store between the hours of 5-8 p.m. because that’s when men get off work or leave the gym, or running a quick errand. The Matchmaking DUO also recommended going to sports bars and sporting events because the men are there.
“It's really about showing interest. There’s nothing wrong with showing interest, and once you show interest, usually he’ll take the lead, but when you think about a man, a lot of times we’re trained don’t even make eyes with them,” Kelli stated.
“What we want him to do, we want him to see us in the grocery store, we’re not even looking up. We want him to come around to where we are, say hello, make us look up, and have a conversation only for us to [say], ‘Oh, no, I’m not interested.’ I mean, that’s a lot of work, so at least if you look up, smile and say hello, that will get the ball rolling more than you think.”
Another tip is just to smile. If you are single and ready to mingle, then it’s important to look approachable. Tana suggested giving yourself a smile challenge where you smile at least 50 times a day. That way, it can become easier to smile at someone who catches your eye.
“It's really about showing interest. There’s nothing wrong with showing interest, and once you show interest, usually he’ll take the lead, but when you think about a man, a lot of times we’re trained don’t even make eyes with them."
How To Talk To Your Crush
Okay, so you got your crush’s attention, what do you say? According to Tana, it’s simple, compliment them. “Who's going to turn a compliment away? You can find something to compliment him on– his shoes, his watch, men love technology,” Tana noted. “They usually have a nice watch, they usually have nice socks, a lot of them. Or a nice smile, or they smell good.
“Give them a compliment. No one’s going to turn down a compliment. Lead with a compliment and at least an introduction and your name. If nothing else, you could at least give him a soft introduction of who you are. Just let the conversation take its course.”
For more information about the Matchmaking DUO, check out their website thematchmakingduo.com, and follow them on all social media platforms @thematchmakingduo.
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Feature image Carlos Barquero/ Getty Images