
Although three years have passed since the whirlwind that was 2020, I finally feel like I am settling into a state of rest, joy, and relaxation after two and a half years of feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, and overworked. During that time, I wrote the proposal for my book, Owning Our Struggles, which will debut on August 22nd. It has been a wonderful journey writing, reflecting, and reveling in what it means to own our struggles, pain, and tragedy in order to make room for joy, love, and liberation.
As I was writing, I found myself immersed in the concept of Black joy and cultural healing. I am a first-generation American who identifies as Black-Hispanic and Afro-Latina. My parents are from Colon, Panama, and San Andres, Colombia. As a child, my parents did not understand mental health concepts or disorders like anxiety and depression, but they were strong advocates for healing and ensuring that joy remained at the center of our lives despite the challenges or hardships we faced.
The lessons they taught me came back to me as I wrote Owning Our Strugglesand reflected on the world of hurt, pain, chaos, and tragedy that surrounds me and the feelings of powerlessness that often arise. Being Black in America can be tough, but it also feels beautiful when I see how Black culture continuously moves the needle in society and our role in advancing our communities and liberating ourselves from oppression.
The celebration of Black joy and the process of cultural healing are critical components of the Black community's resilience and survival. Black joy is a radical act, especially given Black people's historical and ongoing oppression and marginalization. It is a way of resisting the negative stereotypes and narratives that have been perpetuated about Black people for centuries. By celebrating Black joy, we claim our humanity and our right to exist fully and joyfully.
Here are six ways to celebrate Black joy and engage in cultural healing:
Connect with your roots:
Learn about your cultural heritage and traditions. This can involve exploring your family history, learning about the history of your ancestors, and the cultural traditions that have been passed down through generations. By reconnecting with your roots, you can better understand where you come from and how your cultural identity shapes who you are today.
Celebrate cultural events and holidays:
Participate in cultural events and holidays that hold significance for you and your community. Whether it's attending a Juneteenth celebration, a Kwanzaa gathering, or a Black History Month event, these celebrations can provide an opportunity for cultural healing and a sense of community.
Engage in creative expression:
Engage in creative activities that allow you to express your emotions and experiences. This can include writing, visual art, music, dance, or spoken word. Creative expression can be a powerful tool for processing emotions, healing from trauma, and celebrating joy.
Support Black-owned businesses:
Supporting Black-owned businesses is a way to celebrate Black joy and support economic empowerment within the Black community. Whether buying from a Black-owned restaurant, boutique, or service provider, we can continue supporting our people and communities through financial investments.
Build community:
Building community with other Black individuals and allies can be a powerful way to celebrate Black joy and engage in cultural healing. This can involve joining a social group, attending community events, or volunteering with a local organization that supports the Black community.
Practice self-care:
Practicing self-care is critical to cultural healing and celebrating Black joy. This can involve taking the time to rest, engaging in activities that bring you joy, prioritizing your mental and physical health, or seeking out support from a therapist or mental health professional.
By embracing Black joy and cultural healing, we resist and disrupt systems of oppression and claim our humanity and right to exist joyfully and fully. Let us continue to give ourselves the life we know we deserve and reclaim the power of community. Order my book, Owning Our Struggles, to gain more tools and exercises on Black joy and liberation.
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Over 40 million Americans have an anxiety disorder. However, what if I told you that everyone on the planet experiences situational anxiety - feelings of anxiousness when exposed to certain situations - and this isn't a diagnosis but rather a part of everyday life?
Given the prevalence of anxiety, it's quite possible that symptoms of anxiety will arise not just during the dating phase but even in the relationship phase, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of because it’s simply an effect of being human. Although it's normal to feel anxious, it's important to remember that leaving anxiety untreated can have detrimental side effects that impact our daily lives.
Anxiety is a common issue many people face, which can significantly impact romantic relationships. Here are several ways that anxiety can show up in romantic relationships and what you can do about them:
1. Overthinking
The anxious brain can feel difficult to manage. People with anxiety tend to overthink situations, causing them to become anxious and worried about things that may not be a big deal. This can lead to arguments and misunderstandings in a relationship, as the anxious partner may worry about things that the other partner does not find concerning. Challenging irrational thoughts and having conversations about those that feel rational is important. Often, the quick fix to feeling anxious in a relationship is communication.
2. Need for Reassurance
Individuals with anxiety may need constant reassurance from their partner, which can be draining for the other partner. It is important for the anxious partner to work on building their own self-confidence and trust in their partner.
3. Fear of Abandonment
Anxious attachment, much? People with anxiety may have a fear of abandonment, causing them to become clingy or too dependent on their partner. This can be difficult for the other partner, who may feel smothered or unable to have their own space. It is important for the anxious partner to learn how to manage their fear of abandonment and trust in their partner's commitment to the relationship.
Going to therapy is often the first step to healing your abandonment wound because it’s much deeper than your partner’s actions, and if you don’t get to the root of the problem, you will continue to watch the problem grow.
4. Avoidance
Individuals with anxiety may avoid situations or conversations that make them feel anxious or uncomfortable, leading to a lack of communication and intimacy in the relationship. If you want to build a safe and secure relationship, you have to be an active participant in your relationship. Do things like couple experiences or card games to enhance emotional intimacy and build a safe relationship you don’t want to run away from.
5. Control
Anxiety can lead to a need for control, manifesting in a relationship as controlling behavior. This behavior can come from jealousy and other issues, and it can become destructive and damaging to both partners. It is important for the anxious partner to manage their anxiety and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Remember, being in a relationship does not mean you own your partner. Control is a personal issue that your partner cannot fix for you.
Trying to rob them of their autonomy will cause friction and lead to relationship dissatisfaction based on your inability to be a secure partner. Get the help you need by working through your fear of letting go and discerning where your controlling behavior stems from.
6. Perfectionism
People with anxiety may have a tendency towards perfectionism, leading to unrealistic expectations and pressure in the relationship. It is important for the anxious partner to learn how to manage their anxiety and develop a more realistic and compassionate view of themselves and their partner.
Anxiety can have a significant impact on romantic relationships. It is important for both partners to work together to manage anxiety, develop healthy coping mechanisms, communicate effectively, and trust each other. However, it is also important to do the inner work, as anxiety can be an internal issue that your partner cannot fix for you.
If you want to build a healthy relationship, you must contribute to it by engaging in healthy behaviors.
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When I was in my mid-20s, my life was a hot mess. Chaotic doesn't even begin to describe it. I worked a full-time job while doing consulting gigs as a side hustle, and I spent all my free time helping others while neglecting myself. Eventually, I had a total meltdown and an existential crisis. I felt like I wasn't living my life, leaving me empty, depressed, and miserable. I was always exhausted and super irritable.
As a former therapist, I know how important it is to engage in therapy to manage our well-being. I'm lucky to have had a therapist who called me out and helped me realize that the chaos and lack of peace in my life were the results of poor choices I was making when it came to managing my mental health and well-being. "Protecting your peace" has become a popular tagline on social media for a good reason. It is one of the best ways to help preserve your mental health.
However, while it sounds good in theory, many people still struggle with taking the necessary actions to make protecting their peace a daily practice. Mental health work is daily work. And here are five steps you can start taking daily to ensure you are protecting your peace.
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1. Consider yourself important enough to be protected.
You have to consider yourself important enough to be protected. Engaging in self-neglect is not going to help you have a peaceful life. There are going to be things you need to say no to in order to care for yourself, and you don’t have to feel guilty about putting yourself first.
2. Set boundaries and limits on who and what has access to your energy.
You cannot be everything to everyone. You have to be willing to set limits because if you wait for others to set them, you will never have peace in your life. Having boundaries means learning to realize what you can say yes to and exercising your voice, and saying no when needed.
3. Evaluate the relationships in your life.
As part of protecting your peace, evaluating the relationships in your life is important.
Ask yourself:
- Are these people adding value to my life?
- Do they encourage and support me?
- Do they constantly bring me down, make me feel drained, and spark the dysregulation of my nervous system?
Some relationships are meant to be seasonal; it’s okay to move on from relationships when they no longer align with your growth.
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4. Create space for self-care.
Let go of unnecessary commitments that cause burnout and protect your peace by creating space for rest and self-care. This might look like finding a new hobby, doing fun and exciting activities, and trying new things that are for pleasure and not for work.
5. Let go of the need to control the external and instead focus on the internal.
Trying to control everything can create anxiety and stress. Let go of the need to control external circumstances and instead focus on what you can control---your attitude and response. Sometimes, you have to be willing to say, "What am I going to do to get through this?" as a way to remind yourself that you have choices. Sometimes the choice you need to make is leaning into radical acceptance and learning to move forward when things don’t go your way.
By letting go of these things, you can create a space for yourself to nurture your inner peace and cultivate a sense of well-being that will benefit every aspect of your life.
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There will be times in life when you don't feel motivated to do something. It might be because you are burnt out and over-extended or because you are depressed and feel a lack of drive and energy to push through and tackle certain tasks or responsibilities. Either way, showing yourself grace and compassion when you're running on empty and having a low moment is essential for your healing, and if you are trying to figure out how you can do that, here are six practical tools to try:
Honor the space that you are in.
Being human means that you will have hard days, and one of the best things you can do to heal is to honor the space you are in. Sometimes we face difficult things in life, and our mood matches that. It's unrealistic to expect ourselves to always be on or happy, or full of joy. Growth looks like allowing yourself to be human.
Co-regulate with an emotionally safe person.
Co-regulation is when we use someone else's nervous system to regulate ourselves when in hyper-arousal (anxious, panicked, debilitating fear) and hypo-arousal (depression, numbness, empty). When we co-regulate, the neurons in our brain mirror the other person as it becomes in tune, and this helps cultivate a sense of safety and connection, enhancing our mood. Make sure you are co-regulating with an emotionally safe person.
Engage in healthy escapism.
Sometimes, checking in and investigating every feeling can be challenging, and sometimes you need a healthy distraction. Having a Netflix account isn't that bad, after all. Healthy escapism is when we engage in healthy practices that distract us from difficult and painful thoughts. The key here is to ensure you are distracting yourself with something that is nourishing for your mind and body.
An example of unhealthy escapism is drinking alcohol to cope with stress. Alcohol is a mood enhancer and can sometimes worsen symptoms of anxiety and depression. Make sure you expose yourself to things that bring you closer to healing, not further away.
Journal your thoughts.
Sometimes we need to clear our minds and get our thoughts out on paper; this is where journaling can be handy. When we are depressed or have a low moment, our minds might be filled with intrusive thoughts that need to be challenged. Writing them out can help you see clearer and work as a brain dump to help increase your mood.
Engaging with nature's healing properties.
This is your reminder to open your blackout curtains every morning when you wake up. We live in an isolated world where it's easy to become a homebody due to remote work, which means the more we are at home, the less we interact with nature. Exposure to sunlight can increase your vitamin D levels, and going for walks can help release endorphins, which in turn helps to boost your mood and energy levels.
Remember gratitude.
Gratitude is a beautiful, energetic experience that allows us to be present with ourselves and focus on what we can control and what makes us feel good. Did you know that 80% of our daily thoughts are negative? This means we are wired to focus our gaze on what's going wrong as a natural inclination, and we have to force ourselves to shift our mindset and see that everything in life is not as bad as it seems. Gratitude requires intentionality. Take time to reflect on daily things you are grateful for to bring greater purpose into your life.
Healing requires patience with ourselves, especially when we are having a low moment. Practice these tools daily, and remember to be compassionate toward yourself as you navigate the season of life you are in.
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On Being An Empath & Not Taking On Emotions That Aren't Yours To Carry
Being emotionally seen in a relationship is a love language. If you are in a friendship or a relationship with an empath, you can guarantee there will be space for your emotions to be present and understood.
What is an empath anyway? An empath is described as “someone who is highly attuned to the feelings and emotions of those around them.” No scientific evidence supports or proves that people can tap into another person’s emotions. Still, we can acknowledge that there are people who feel more deeply than others, which is why boundaries are essential for people who are empaths.
It’s a beautiful thing to understand what someone else is feeling deeply. It creates an emotionally safe space that permits people to express themselves freely and vulnerably, but when you’re an empath, it’s important to discern what is yours to carry, and what belongs to others, or else you will find yourself overwhelmed and drained by your relationships.
Sometimes when we hold other people’s emotions, we become weighed down by their problems and treat their issues as if they are our own, and if you don’t put a stop to this, you will find yourself experiencing issues like stress and burnout. Having boundaries is essential, so you know where to draw a line in the sand as you discern what belongs to you and what is for others.
Here are some boundaries that empaths need to maintain their peace and well-being.
Boundary Tips for Empaths:
1. Practice discernment:
It’s normal and healthy to want to support others, but you have to be wise and use wisdom to know what you can give and tolerate. If someone you know is going through a hard time, you have to be intentional about the type of support you can offer. Do you have the resources to help this person? Do you have the capacity to lend a listening ear? Will you suffer if you continue to expose yourself to other people’s problems?
Remember that we all have limits, and it’s okay if you need to adjust the ways you show up for people if showing up is going to result in you engaging in self-neglect.
2. Practice asking for help:
Because empaths feel so deeply, they are also caring and have a habit of wanting to help others but disengage when they are the ones who need help. Remember this–you also deserve the care and support you give others. In the same way that you care wholeheartedly about the people around you, know that these people desire to support you and want the best for you. Ask for help and allow others to show up for you.
3. Assess if you are helping or harming:
Since empaths are highly attuned to the emotions of others, they can be overly empathic to a point where it may be detrimental. Studies have shown that highly empathic people are more prone to experiencing manipulation in their relationships because they choose only to see the good in a person and ignore red flags. Their high levels of empathy and understanding override logic and rationality. Once this happens, empaths are doing more harm than good, and often that harm is self-harm. It is not wise to always lead with feelings. We need sound judgment and critical thinking in certain situations to get beneficial results.
Having boundaries is essential for thriving in life. When you are an empath and feel deeply, there is nothing wrong with caring for others and being in tune with their emotions, but you also have to make sure you are in tune with your own needs, and you are not neglecting yourself in the process of trying to care for someone else.
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Taking care of our mental health is a lifetime journey, and in order to care for our well-being, we must incorporate a holistic approach that considers our whole person, our needs, and our life stage. As we enter this new year, certain wellness trends are here to stay in 2023, so let’s dive into some major wellness tips and tricks that you can incorporate into your healing journey this year.
1. Mental Fitness
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You may be used to the term “physical fitness” but mental fitness has become a buzzword over the last few years. This is due to an important reason: Building resilience and developing mental strength is a critical part of your mental health journey. According to Well + Good's 2023 wellness trends data, “#mentalfitness on TikTok lands at an impressive 58.5 million views—increasing 575 percent from 2021 to 2022.” So what does mental fitness mean? It's all about developing strategies that support and strengthen your mind, body and spirit.
With mental fitness, you reframe your negative thoughts when they arise, practice gratitude, engage in holistic practices like breathwork and meditation, and practice self-attunement to know what your body needs to ensure you don’t succumb to your negative thoughts. Becoming mentally fit is important for your mental health because as we all know, adversity is something that we cannot escape and hard things happen in life whether we like it or not. However, we all have a choice regarding how we bounce back from hardship and engage in healing, and for some of us, it all can start with a shift in mindset.
2. Holistic Workouts
There once was a time when working out meant you needed a gym membership or a fitness trainer, and for some people, having those two things can be very beneficial. However, working out and moving your body is no longer reserved for having access to these two particular resources. Holistic workouts include activities like Pilates, yoga, swimming, daily walking, and more. Yelp data shows searches for stretching and stretching workouts are up 61%. With holistic workouts, people feel more inclined to work out from home or are able to fine-tune their schedule to include a 15-minute yoga stretch compared to a 45-minute gym session.
3. Exercise Recovery & Body Stimulation
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Speaking of being mentally fit, your body remains to be an important vessel and a vehicle for healing. The same way we work to heal our emotional well-being, it's becoming increasingly important to heal our bodies after vigorous workouts or even from sitting at our kitchen tables all day as a result of working from home. There are many kinds of exercise recovery and body stimulation treatments that include full body massages, cryotherapy, cold tubs, saunas, and more. Remember this, trauma and stress get stored in the body. Muscle aches, a stiff neck, and a bad back can mean many things including that you need recovery in these areas through a mind-body treatment.
4. Gut Health
In 2023 we are paying attention to how mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and trauma show up in the body and even in our gut. Gut health will continue to play a critical role in mental health management and sustaining our well-being through food and nutrition. Your diet can help aid the release of certain brain chemicals like serotonin, and dopamine, which are hormones that increase our mood and energy levels. Remember, that food has the power to fuel your body!
5. Environmental Sustainability
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Our mental health is deeply impacted by the health of our environment. People are becoming more in tune with the needs of our environment, climate change, and committing to ethical and sustainable practices that nurture the health of our planet. Some ways people are practicing environmental sustainability are by reducing the use and purchases of plastic, upcycling, going paperless, growing their own food, and more. This can be a hefty change to incorporate into your lifestyle but the goal is to always start small and do what you can with what you have.
Caring for our mental health is a daily practice, and you don’t have to start doing everything on this list at once. You can start by trying one at a time for a month before committing to a new practice. The wellness trend that will never die out is the importance of being gentle with yourself and remembering that healing is not a race or a destination. It's a journey that evolves over a lifetime.
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