It never fails. Whenever the topic of me and my super long bout of abstinence comes up in conversation, one thing that people ask me is how in the world was I able to pull it off? That is a book within itself, but what I will say, as it relates to this article and the 10 women who contributed to it, there is something very empowering about abstinence, especially when you enjoy sex as much as I do.
It teaches you about self-control. It teaches you how to learn (more) about what your needs are beyond the obvious when it comes to holistic self-awareness, relational connection, and even sensual pleasure. It also teaches you how to tap into deeper levels of your femininity — and spirituality — and all of this can cause you to feel good about yourself in a way that’s very different from any other decision that you may make as it relates to your overall health and well-being.
Hey, you don’t have to take my word for it, though. Take a moment to check out what these women had to say about what going without sex, for a season, did for them. It just might surprise — or even inspire — you.
*Middle names are always used by me so that people can speak freely*
Giphy1. Andrea. 29. Abstinent for Six Months.
“The sex with my ex had me so f-cked up. In a good way, kind of, and then in a f-cked up way too. The best way to explain is, we had been together for three years, and before him, I hadn’t had an orgasm before; with him, I had multiples, almost every time. A first orgasm is like a first hit of a drug — it’s so addicting that you’ll rationalize all kinds of reasons to stay in something that isn’t working otherwise. That was us. When we broke up, we still kept having sex, and that was making me feel worse about myself because I knew that I deserved more than just a sex high.
"So, I cold turkey stopped to get back to me — and I’ve needed more than a couple of months to do that. No more sex with him has made me get back to me: who I am and what I really want. It’s made me see relationships and sex differently. I’m still figuring it out, but to get back control of my heart and my body has been good because I know that next time, I will be in better control of how I feel about a man — and how he makes me feel. I won’t compromise either one. Not settling is sexy to me.”
"I won't compromise either one. Not settling is sexy to me."
2. Jameela. 44. Abstinent for Three Years.
“My husband was my first. A part of the reason why we divorced was sex-related — we just weren’t in sync that way. After six months of therapy to heal, I went on what I call a ‘sex adventure’ to see what I really wanted from intimacy. After I got the answers, I decided to be abstinent because I also wanted to see how my new understanding of my sexuality lined up with who I was after the divorce. The adventure lasted for about a year and a half. I’ve been abstinent for double that.
"It wasn’t on purpose, it’s just…once you know who you are, what you like, and what you need — when you know it for sure, you’re not anxious. My marriage had me anxious because I knew that something was missing. Now, I know what that was, and I can wait until the whole package comes along. I think men knowing that ‘I’m good’ is what they find to be really sexy. I know I would.”
Giphy3. Waylen. 37. Abstinent for Seven Months.
“The most attention that I would give my body was during sex. Yes, I’d bathe and do the basic stuff — I mean that I wouldn’t make the time to ‘love on me’ the way I would expect my partners to. That caused something to be missing during sex, so I decided to take a ‘time out’ to see what I was going without. Trying different scents, seeing what colors I like to see myself in, creating romantic evenings at home with nothing but me, some flowers and throwback R&B, exchanging cotton sheets for silk ones, giving myself vaginal massages — how do you expect someone to make love to you when you don’t even do it? Abstinence has been a sensual and satisfying experience.”
4. Leeyah. 50. Abstinent for 16 Months.
“I think all women should be abstinent at least once or twice in their lifetime. Our culture makes us feel like all we have to offer is a pretty face and a vagina a lot of times — we need to get off of the ride and remind ourselves that we have a lot of players and plenty to offer. My first year was about getting over an ex. This year has been about celebrating me. Some of it has sexual components to it. I’ve done vaginal mapping. I get facials for my vagina. I buy lingerie for myself. You’ve gotten me into doing sex journaling, and that has taught me a ton.
"I’m seeing someone now, and we do tantric breathing together, which teaches me how to release and restrain my sexual power. Abstinence reminds me that sex is a part of who I am, not all of it — and that the people who should have sex with me should treat me that way. That makes me feel like a sex goddess.”
Giphy5. Jaya. 41. Abstinent for Two Months.
“Somebody should’ve told me how hard this abstinence sh-t was going to be. Damn! I’m only doing it because the past three sex partners I’ve had? The sex was trash, and they weren’t anything to write home about either. It’s easy to blame everything on someone else, but if I’m always choosing men I have to fake it with, what does that say about me? I’m using abstinence to show me that. What I’ve gotten so far is I don’t prioritize my pleasure like I should.
"Girl, I’ve had more orgasms with this damn rose in my nightstand than any d-ck this year. If I’m not faking it alone, I damn sure need to stop with these dudes out here. Let’s see what I learn next month. After that, I think I’m done. Ain’t no point in doing this if I’m gonna end up homeless from snapping at work and losing my job. [Abstinence] is showing me some things. I won’t lie.”
6. Raddix. 37. Abstinent for Two Years.
“My abstinence journey started out as a bet. One of my guy friends bet me that he could hold out longer than I could; the prize was a vacation on the other person’s dime. Are you surprised that he gave in after five months, and I’m still going strong after two years? It was on the trip that he paid for that I decided to keep going.
"I went to Hawaii and got pampered for 10 days. It made me see myself in a different way because pampering is such a sensual experience, and even though I’ve had good sex, I haven’t felt pampered during any of it. No sex makes me want to bring that into it. I’m ready to have sex again, but if you can’t make me feel better than a Hawaiian massage, even with your voice and words alone — I’ll pass. I've gone this long. I'll wait."
Giphy7. Brenn. 26. Abstinent for One Year. (Kind Of.)
“Abstinence is a fascinating topic because, shouldn’t we ask people what kind of abstinent they are? I’ve gone without intercourse because I needed a break from birth control. I have a latex allergy, so I do the shot. But don’t think that I’m not getting ‘munched on’. Are you crazy?! I don’t know why oral doesn’t get more props. Orgasms without the risk of pregnancy is next level! And girl, being ‘served’ like that? You are gonna feel sexier than ever!”
8. Milan. 33. Abstinent for Nine Months.
“Nine months is on purpose. I figure that the amount of time that it takes to create a child is a good amount of time to recreate myself. For years, I was the kind of woman who found validation in my sexuality because if there is one area where I know I am excellent, it’s there. But there’s more to who I am than that, and I needed to go without sex to come to this space.
"Having sex made me feel sexy. Not having sex tapped into a sensuality that I needed to explore by myself. Now that I think I’m ready to have sex again, partners will be with a woman who’s explored other areas of herself — they will experience parts of me that I’m just getting to see. It will be a deeper experience. I love that for me — and for them.”
Giphy9. Elizabeth. 39. Abstinent for Seven Years.
“You know when you told me that abstinence makes you pickier? Girl, you ain’t neva lied! If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be going without some good ‘D’ for multiple years, I would have been the first to cuss you out — but here it is, seven years later, and I’m still going strong. I can’t tell you that I haven’t had some ‘kisses down below’ or that I don’t enjoy ‘returning the favor,’ but I haven’t been ready to let another man inside of my body, in that way, yet. Self-restraint shows you that you really are the prize. You’ve got to earn this, baby — when the right man does, it will pay off.”
10. Michelle. 40. Abstinent for 3-6 Months. Annually.
“Something that I’ve been doing for the past six years is making sure that I go through at least one season a year of abstinence — season means spring, summer, fall, or winter. One year, I did it because I wanted to cleanse out everything while I was doing a detox, which I also do once a year. I just felt so purified that I decided to make it an annual thing.
"There’s something about purging all of that energy out of your system that’s so freeing to me because, when there is nothing in you but you, it creates a level of self-confidence that you can’t get another way. Seven years later, no regrets. Abstinence reminds me to prioritize me. Damn, it doesn’t get sexier than that…does it?”
Sis, I totally cosign. It really doesn’t.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
"They asked for body products and we wanted to make sure we listened. But also layering fragrance begins with the body routine." The body wash is $33, and the body lotion is $35. Keep reading below to hear more about Tabitha and Chance's new collection, their body rituals, and what makes their partnership successful.
Fridays with Tab and Chance body collection
Marcus Owens
xoNecole: How did you come up with the scents for the collection?
Tabitha Brown: We love warm scents that make you feel sexy and loved. [We’re] both fans of gourmand [scents], including bergamot, vanilla, tonka and chocolate.
xoN: If you could describe your working relationship in one word, what would it be and why?
Tabitha: It's our first time building a product line together and our first time working with fragrance. So having patience with the process and each other has been the best way to build.
xoN: What is your body care ritual?
Tabitha: Exfoliate with a scrub a few times a week, but using a moisturizing body wash daily. After a shower, I spray a body mist that compliments what scent I am choosing for the day. Most times vanilla mist wins because it’s a perfect base for layering. I then hydrate [my] skin with lotion. Then, once dressed, I layer my favorite fragrance, Her Business, first and then His Business on top.
Chance: [I’m] way more simple. Just body wash and lotion and then my cologne and I’m good to go.
xoN: We enjoy watching you two together online, whose idea was it to start 'Fridays with Tab & Chance'?
Tabitha: It actually happened by accident. Back in 2018, my fans had just been asking about how we met, so we did a video answering questions one Friday and people in the comments [asked], will y’all do it again next Friday? And so we did and the next thing you know Fridays with Tab & Chance was born.
xoN: In what other ways do you plan to expand Fridays? Restart the podcast? TV show?
Tabitha: We are working on a lifestyle content show vs the traditional Fridays podcast. More to come soon.
xoN: You do many things together, but what would you say is your favorite quality time activity and why?
Tabitha: We are really simple. We love watching movies or TV series together on the couch or in bed. It’s really one of our favorite things to do together.
xoN: What is your favorite thing about the other person?
Tabitha: I love that he makes me feel safe and how hard he works to be an amazing father.
Chance: I love that she is crazy enough to pursue her wildest dreams.
xoN: What is the key to a successful partnership in business and personal?
Tabitha: The key is knowing that you both are going to change, and giving each other grace, patience, and understanding during those changes.
See more on tabandchance.com.
Feature image Marcus Owens