It never fails. Whenever the topic of me and my super long bout of abstinence comes up in conversation, one thing that people ask me is how in the world was I able to pull it off? That is a book within itself, but what I will say, as it relates to this article and the 10 women who contributed to it, there is something very empowering about abstinence, especially when you enjoy sex as much as I do.
It teaches you about self-control. It teaches you how to learn (more) about what your needs are beyond the obvious when it comes to holistic self-awareness, relational connection, and even sensual pleasure. It also teaches you how to tap into deeper levels of your femininity — and spirituality — and all of this can cause you to feel good about yourself in a way that’s very different from any other decision that you may make as it relates to your overall health and well-being.
Hey, you don’t have to take my word for it, though. Take a moment to check out what these women had to say about what going without sex, for a season, did for them. It just might surprise — or even inspire — you.
*Middle names are always used by me so that people can speak freely*
Giphy1. Andrea. 29. Abstinent for Six Months.
“The sex with my ex had me so f-cked up. In a good way, kind of, and then in a f-cked up way too. The best way to explain is, we had been together for three years, and before him, I hadn’t had an orgasm before; with him, I had multiples, almost every time. A first orgasm is like a first hit of a drug — it’s so addicting that you’ll rationalize all kinds of reasons to stay in something that isn’t working otherwise. That was us. When we broke up, we still kept having sex, and that was making me feel worse about myself because I knew that I deserved more than just a sex high.
"So, I cold turkey stopped to get back to me — and I’ve needed more than a couple of months to do that. No more sex with him has made me get back to me: who I am and what I really want. It’s made me see relationships and sex differently. I’m still figuring it out, but to get back control of my heart and my body has been good because I know that next time, I will be in better control of how I feel about a man — and how he makes me feel. I won’t compromise either one. Not settling is sexy to me.”
"I won't compromise either one. Not settling is sexy to me."
2. Jameela. 44. Abstinent for Three Years.
“My husband was my first. A part of the reason why we divorced was sex-related — we just weren’t in sync that way. After six months of therapy to heal, I went on what I call a ‘sex adventure’ to see what I really wanted from intimacy. After I got the answers, I decided to be abstinent because I also wanted to see how my new understanding of my sexuality lined up with who I was after the divorce. The adventure lasted for about a year and a half. I’ve been abstinent for double that.
"It wasn’t on purpose, it’s just…once you know who you are, what you like, and what you need — when you know it for sure, you’re not anxious. My marriage had me anxious because I knew that something was missing. Now, I know what that was, and I can wait until the whole package comes along. I think men knowing that ‘I’m good’ is what they find to be really sexy. I know I would.”
Giphy3. Waylen. 37. Abstinent for Seven Months.
“The most attention that I would give my body was during sex. Yes, I’d bathe and do the basic stuff — I mean that I wouldn’t make the time to ‘love on me’ the way I would expect my partners to. That caused something to be missing during sex, so I decided to take a ‘time out’ to see what I was going without. Trying different scents, seeing what colors I like to see myself in, creating romantic evenings at home with nothing but me, some flowers and throwback R&B, exchanging cotton sheets for silk ones, giving myself vaginal massages — how do you expect someone to make love to you when you don’t even do it? Abstinence has been a sensual and satisfying experience.”
4. Leeyah. 50. Abstinent for 16 Months.
“I think all women should be abstinent at least once or twice in their lifetime. Our culture makes us feel like all we have to offer is a pretty face and a vagina a lot of times — we need to get off of the ride and remind ourselves that we have a lot of players and plenty to offer. My first year was about getting over an ex. This year has been about celebrating me. Some of it has sexual components to it. I’ve done vaginal mapping. I get facials for my vagina. I buy lingerie for myself. You’ve gotten me into doing sex journaling, and that has taught me a ton.
"I’m seeing someone now, and we do tantric breathing together, which teaches me how to release and restrain my sexual power. Abstinence reminds me that sex is a part of who I am, not all of it — and that the people who should have sex with me should treat me that way. That makes me feel like a sex goddess.”
Giphy5. Jaya. 41. Abstinent for Two Months.
“Somebody should’ve told me how hard this abstinence sh-t was going to be. Damn! I’m only doing it because the past three sex partners I’ve had? The sex was trash, and they weren’t anything to write home about either. It’s easy to blame everything on someone else, but if I’m always choosing men I have to fake it with, what does that say about me? I’m using abstinence to show me that. What I’ve gotten so far is I don’t prioritize my pleasure like I should.
"Girl, I’ve had more orgasms with this damn rose in my nightstand than any d-ck this year. If I’m not faking it alone, I damn sure need to stop with these dudes out here. Let’s see what I learn next month. After that, I think I’m done. Ain’t no point in doing this if I’m gonna end up homeless from snapping at work and losing my job. [Abstinence] is showing me some things. I won’t lie.”
6. Raddix. 37. Abstinent for Two Years.
“My abstinence journey started out as a bet. One of my guy friends bet me that he could hold out longer than I could; the prize was a vacation on the other person’s dime. Are you surprised that he gave in after five months, and I’m still going strong after two years? It was on the trip that he paid for that I decided to keep going.
"I went to Hawaii and got pampered for 10 days. It made me see myself in a different way because pampering is such a sensual experience, and even though I’ve had good sex, I haven’t felt pampered during any of it. No sex makes me want to bring that into it. I’m ready to have sex again, but if you can’t make me feel better than a Hawaiian massage, even with your voice and words alone — I’ll pass. I've gone this long. I'll wait."
Giphy7. Brenn. 26. Abstinent for One Year. (Kind Of.)
“Abstinence is a fascinating topic because, shouldn’t we ask people what kind of abstinent they are? I’ve gone without intercourse because I needed a break from birth control. I have a latex allergy, so I do the shot. But don’t think that I’m not getting ‘munched on’. Are you crazy?! I don’t know why oral doesn’t get more props. Orgasms without the risk of pregnancy is next level! And girl, being ‘served’ like that? You are gonna feel sexier than ever!”
8. Milan. 33. Abstinent for Nine Months.
“Nine months is on purpose. I figure that the amount of time that it takes to create a child is a good amount of time to recreate myself. For years, I was the kind of woman who found validation in my sexuality because if there is one area where I know I am excellent, it’s there. But there’s more to who I am than that, and I needed to go without sex to come to this space.
"Having sex made me feel sexy. Not having sex tapped into a sensuality that I needed to explore by myself. Now that I think I’m ready to have sex again, partners will be with a woman who’s explored other areas of herself — they will experience parts of me that I’m just getting to see. It will be a deeper experience. I love that for me — and for them.”
Giphy9. Elizabeth. 39. Abstinent for Seven Years.
“You know when you told me that abstinence makes you pickier? Girl, you ain’t neva lied! If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be going without some good ‘D’ for multiple years, I would have been the first to cuss you out — but here it is, seven years later, and I’m still going strong. I can’t tell you that I haven’t had some ‘kisses down below’ or that I don’t enjoy ‘returning the favor,’ but I haven’t been ready to let another man inside of my body, in that way, yet. Self-restraint shows you that you really are the prize. You’ve got to earn this, baby — when the right man does, it will pay off.”
10. Michelle. 40. Abstinent for 3-6 Months. Annually.
“Something that I’ve been doing for the past six years is making sure that I go through at least one season a year of abstinence — season means spring, summer, fall, or winter. One year, I did it because I wanted to cleanse out everything while I was doing a detox, which I also do once a year. I just felt so purified that I decided to make it an annual thing.
"There’s something about purging all of that energy out of your system that’s so freeing to me because, when there is nothing in you but you, it creates a level of self-confidence that you can’t get another way. Seven years later, no regrets. Abstinence reminds me to prioritize me. Damn, it doesn’t get sexier than that…does it?”
Sis, I totally cosign. It really doesn’t.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
RELATED
Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
“Tribe Therepē has evolved into exactly what I have always envisioned. A community of women who care about being fit not just for the aesthetic, but for their mental and emotional well-being too. It’s grounded. It’s feminine. It’s strong,” she says. “And honestly, it's a reflection of where I am in my life right now. I feel so damn good - mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I am grateful to be in a space where I can pour that love and light back into the community that continues to pour into me.”
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
Contentment. By definition, it’s the state of not only being “satisfied with what one is or has” but also “not wanting more or anything else.” And you know what? Although it might not be a popular aspiration of many, it is a sign of spiritual maturity on certain levels. After all, it is the Apostle Paul who once said, “Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content…” (Philippians 4:19 — NKJV).
Being content is about not complaining. Being content is about learning to be comfortable in your present circumstances. Being content is about choosing to find joy and fulfillment, on some level, and in some way, on a daily basis.
Personally, I dig all of this so much because when you have mastered true inner contentment, it creates stability, self-awareness, and a type of resilience that makes you…shoot, powerful beyond measure, if you ask me. Because when someone knows how to “find the good” and “make peace,” regardless of what is going on around them, they truly are unstoppable. Yeah, on so many levels, contentment is the ultimate life hack. It’s something that each and every one of us should aspire to become: completely and genuinely content.
Thanksgiving is basically moments away at this point. In preparation for that time of self-reflection, pour yourself a glass of wine, turn on some soft music, sit on your coach, and then ask yourself, “Am I content?” If you’re not sure (or you need the definition unpacked for you just a bit more), here are seven signs that you may not be…and yet, there is no time like the present to do something about it.
1. You’re Super Impatient
GiphyHonestly, putting another Scripture right here could be all that is needed in order to bring this point to a swift and abrupt end. Which one? I Corinthians 13, the Love Chapter, starts off with “Love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4). Yeah, if you want to know if you love yourself and love yourself well, how patient are you…including with yourself? Throughout the years, I have shared one of my favorite definitions of "patient" in several different articles: “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” For me, it’s a blaring reminder that mastering patience isn’t just about waiting (more on that in a sec); it’s about waiting with grace.
Content people can do this because, on some level, they know how to apply the John Piper quote, "God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them." Another way of looking at this is people who can wait well — without complaining or getting annoyed by delays or challenges in the meantime — get that in order for things to truly come together, there are lots of moving parts…some that they don’t even know about. And so, if they want the best outcome, yes, waiting well is oftentimes not just involved; it is required.
Impatient people don’t get any of this. That’s why they are so stressed out all of the time.
2. You’re Worried About Things You Can’t Control
GiphyThis. Past. Election. Chile. And then the cabinet that that man is putting together as we speak? I don’t even want to get my blood pressure up, expounding on it. Let me just pivot by adding one more Scripture — because it is beyond fitting: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34 — NKJV)
Although worrying is something that pretty much everyone does at one point or another, one of my favorite quotes on it is by an American humorist by the name of Erma Bombeck: “Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.” And really, when you stop to really think about worrying, isn’t that the truth? For one thing, all worrying does, by definition, is cause you to torment yourself by focusing on things that aren’t even going to happen (somewhere between 85-90 percent of the time, in fact; there is actually a science on that) or trying to control things that are beyond your control.
If being a worry wart is your internal struggle, my advice would be to look at life this way: If you’re worried that you’re about to get written up for getting to work late again, leave your house earlier — you can control that. On the other hand, if you’re worried that you’re going to get laid off before the holiday season ends, so long as you’ve been doing your best (which is also something that you can control), please put your energy elsewhere because that is something that you can’t control.
And I promise that when you choose to be calm and confident over worrying yourself to death, that can help you to manage what you can’t control so much easier. Oh, and your health will thank you, too, because worry is attached to things like insomnia, muscle tension, headaches, overeating, and drinking too much. All this over things that probably won’t happen in the first place? Yeah, sis…(choose to) relax.
And by choosing to chill out, there is some contentment that follows because you will see the good as much as, if not more than, the potential bad. Trust me.
3. The Past and/or Future Consume You
GiphyOn the heels of the Scripture that I just provided for the previous point, it also applies to this one. You know, back when I was doing some intentional research on forgiveness, I always appreciated the insight of author Gary Zukav: “Forgiveness is accepting that the past cannot change.” While this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hold people accountable for what they have done, it does help you to be compassionate with those who are truly sorry (check out “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amend Isn't Made”) because, no matter what has transpired between you and them, one thing they can’t do is go back into a time machine and change it.
And you know what? When it comes to the mistakes — or, let’s be real, sometimes they are conscious poor decisions — you have made, you can’t either. So, why let their misdeeds or your own consume you to the point of internally destroying you?
Then there’s the future. What if you get robbed? What if your mom gets cancer? What if your husband files for divorce? Girl, if you are caught up in the future that hasn’t even happened yet, you are definitely gonna drive yourself up the wall! And this is why so many mental health experts and platforms are all about encouraging individuals to live in the moment. You can do this by meditating, taking breaks from social media (and the news), journaling, doing things that you enjoy (instead of waiting to put them off), and resting.
Listen, one of the best things about choosing to only focus on the here and now is you can find little things about it to be content with — and that helps you to be/become more content overall.
4. You Always Think About Wanting More
GiphyAlthough it certainly wasn’t my plan for this piece to be so Scripture-heavy, I’ve got to flow with what immediately comes to mind and, for this point, the verse, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) is it. And just what does it mean to be greedy? A greedy individual isn’t just low-key obsessed with getting and having more — please catch it — they are also quite EAGER.
Eager folks also tend to be impatient. Eager folks are perceived by others as being very intense (and not in a good way). More times than not, eager folks haven’t really mastered how to take a moment to appreciate what they do have because all they care about is what’s next. And when you’re in a state of that kind of, well, anxiety…how could it not affect your quality of life? I mean, really.
And what if you read all of that and said, “I’m not greedy; I’m just ambitious” — listen, there is nothing wrong with having goals and wanting to obtain them. However, an ambitious individual knows how to find balance. If they get a promotion, they will schedule a vacation to celebrate it. If they just got a new car, they are not in a rush to get a new house until they can financially afford it. If they were just proposed to with a really nice ring, they aren’t hounding their new fiancé about setting a date within the next two weeks.
People who always want more, without taking the time to enjoy what they already have, are never going to be content. Why? Because there is always something else that you can want…even if you don’t need it or it really isn’t the time for it. Meanwhile, content people get that it’s a good thing to not go after everything all of the time; that it’s far wiser to embrace what is already before them — because some folks don’t even have…that.
5. You Compare Yourself to Others
GiphySomething that I actually get asked fairly often is, do I feel “some type of way” that I do so much work in the realm of marriage when I’ve never been married myself. The short answer is “absolutely not” because I know that I could’ve been married, a few times over, at this point; however, I am just as intentional about not wanting to be divorced as I am about being in a healthy marriage, not just “a marriage.”
I’m grateful to be in that head and heart space too; otherwise, I would be out here comparing myself to other people — and there is nothing good, healthy, wise, profitable, or beneficial about doing that. In fact, science isn’t a fan of playing the “keeping up with the Joneses” game, either.
According to science, that can ultimately do things like lower your self-esteem, cause you to only see the bad/negative things in your world (in comparison to other people), and it can jack up your perception of what’s really going on with other people. For instance, if you’re 33 and comparing yourself to your friends who are already married and parents, you might want to talk to them about what their day-to-day, beyond their IG posts, is like.
Because while prayerfully, their life is filled with many blessings, if they are being totally honest with you, they will also share that you’ve got some “pros” to your life too (honey, there are some real benefits to being single; check out “If You're Not In Love With Being Single, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions.,” “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single,” and “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'”). Content people get that every season does — because it’s true.
6. You Don’t Verbalize Gratitude Often
GiphyThere is someone in my world who I actually try to avoid as much as possible. It’s not that she’s not smart, and honestly, she’s one of the funniest individuals that I’ve ever known (and I’ve known her for most of my adult life). It’s just that…she is always wanting something, and I find that to make her a very draining individual. Lawd, even as I am typing all of this out, I’m trying to recall a time when I’ve heard her say, “thank you” for something (no joke), let alone express any form of genuine gratitude. She’s just got such a sense of entitlement that whatever she does receive, she thinks she’s owed and what she doesn’t have, she believes that something is wrong if it hasn’t arrived yet. Geeze, what a horrible type of existence.
You don’t have to take my word for it either because there is plenty of data out here to support that people who don’t take the time to be grateful for what they have ended up being unhappy, more stressed out, in more physical pain (yes, literally) and definitely more negative than everyone else — which would explain why people don’t like hanging out with them as much.
So, since this is the time when gratitude is the theme of the season, think about what you are grateful for when it comes to what you’ve accomplished this year, then write it down and post it up somewhere. Then, as far as the individuals, for whom you are grateful for — send them a handwritten note, get them a gift card to their favorite coffee shop, or even just call to tell them.
One of the most beautiful things about being in a state of contentment is it reminds you of a lot of what you already have. It really is enough…for now…in this very moment.
7. Being (and Living) Satisfied Is a Foreign Concept to You
Giphy“Tubi movies” really is a complete sentence. LOL. And yes, sometimes, when I’m taking a writing break, I will check out some of the most…I-wouldn’t-normally ones, just to lend my support. In walks Never Satisfied with its own self-explanatory meaning. Y’all, it really is oh so true that there are folks out here dealing with some unpredictable and sometimes even truly dire consequences — and it’s all because they didn’t know how to sit down somewhere and learn how to be satisfied with the people, places, things, and ideas that they already have.
That said, I am indeed a quotes gal, and one of my favorites on the topic of satisfaction is by actor Christopher Reeve: “Success is finding satisfaction in giving a little more than you take,” and although I don’t do what I’m about to do often (because I try to take Matthew 6:1-4 very literally and seriously), I’m going to illustrate what he said about satisfaction by sharing a recent situation.
This past week, a nurse practitioner (I prefer those to doctors) diagnosed me with wrist tendonitis for the first time in my life. If you knew how many keystrokes that I do a day, you’d probably be shocked that it took this long. Anyway, as I was waiting in line to get a prescription, a young Black man was basically freaking out because his insurance was refusing to cover his own meds. According to what he was telling the pharmacist, he always only pays $5; however, this time, they were charging $62, he simply didn’t have it, and the insurance company was not picking up.
As I watched him shaking and sweating while saying that he really needed it today and fretting while talking to his mom on the phone, I offered to cover it — and after going back and forth with him for about three minutes, I did. In my mind, although I didn’t plan on spending about $85 (total) that day, the little inconvenience that it was costing me was nothing in comparison to how much it was going to benefit him — I could tell from how he and his mother reacted (even the pharmacist mouthed “thank you so much”), and that is what made it money well spent.
To help someone who had no way of helping themselves in the moment? That brought me a lot of satisfaction because it’s nice to lighten someone’s load while leaving it to karma to handle it. ALL OF IT.
And that’s why I thought it was best to wrap all of this up with a reminder that being satisfied is being content. And when you can be so satisfied with your life that you want to help others? That is a level of contentment that is truly unmatched because you start looking for ways to bless others simply so that they can feel just as content as you do.
____
Our culture? It really is never satisfied, which explains why a lot of people are so miserable. SMDH. You don’t have to be like the masses, though. This Thanksgiving, please purpose in your mind (and heart) to be(come) more content. It will make you a rare gem that benefits everyone and everything around you.
Including yourself, sis. No doubt about it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on November 28, 2024