

So, it was about this time last year when I penned “12 Monthly Self-Love Themes That Will Make This Your Best Year Yet” for the site. And in the spirit of cultivating even more love, I thought it would be cool to create 12 themes, specifically for married couples — things that can help them to not just “stay married” but thrive and flourish within their union as well.
If you happen to be married, I’ll just put it right on out there and say that none of these themes can manifest without some real effort on you and your boo’s part. Still, if you’re serious about making your relationship more solid and fulfilling than ever, by walking through all of these months with passion and intention, you could look up at the end of 2022, feeling closer to your spouse and more resolved that you made the best decision to say “I do” than you ever have. With that said, let’s get into these themes, shall we?
January: Forgiveness
If you’re a single or engaged person reading this, please take me quite literally when I say that people who are bad at forgiving have ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS getting married. The main reason why I say that is because, when you choose to share such a close and intimate space (figuratively and literally) with someone else, there are going to be times, often daily, when you will have to "pardon” something that was done or said.
In fact, from a spiritual perspective, a lot of folks would say that if you want to learn how to be more spiritual, forgiveness will help you to do it because it requires patience, humility (because humble people forgive because they know they need to be forgiven) and compassion for others. And when it comes to marriage, specifically, if folks want to get REALLY real about what a lot of divorces boil down to— it’s choosing to not forgive their spouse.
So yeah, married folks, starting off a brand and spanking new year by pondering where grudges may have been held, how to forgive better, and how to move forward after forgiving your partner is definitely a great starting point for 2022.
February: Romance
We all know what happens during the month of February — Valentine’s Day. Although I’m personally not a holiday chick, I do dig the story about how there was a chaplain by the name of Valentine who was martyred. Why? It was because he married people illegally during a time of war because he felt that men needed wives. Anyway, in the spirit of roses, candies, and greeting cards, choose to be romantic, all month long.
Write love letters. Go on never-done-this-before dates. Dance in the living room. Sprinkle rose petals on the bed and in the bathtub. Have dinner by candlelight. Customize a gift basket with your man’s favorite kinds of things in them. Get lingerie in his favorite color. Have a picnic in the living room. Reenact your first date. If you can, do something every day of the shortest month of the year, that would fall into the category of being romantic. You can never go wrong with this kind of intentionality. It’s good seed into good ground.
March: Newness
When spring rolls around, it symbolizes newness. And whenever I think of this particular combo, the color green and a Scripture in the Bible that simply says “Our bed is green” (Song of Solomon 1:16) come to mind. Green symbolizes growth. Green symbolizes renewal. Green symbolizes fertility. Green symbolizes health, prosperity, and progress. Sometimes, when a couple comes to me struggling with a particular issue, I will encourage them to get a plant and then handle the problem with the same kind of daily caring and nurturing that the plant requires.
It helps them to realize how “fragile” certain things can be and how much commitment to finding a resolve is required. And so, in a month and season where all things are made new, determined to take a “fresh approach” to your relationship. Every day is new and you know what? You can be original in how you handle different aspects of your relationship every day too.
April: Expressed Emotions
You know the saying — April showers bring May flowers. This reminds me of another verse in the Bible that says “sow in tears, reap in joy” (Psalm 126:5). You know, something that I am honored about, when it comes to my male friendships, is the fact that pretty much all of them have felt comfortable enough to express themselves by crying in my presence. And when you’re a wife, your husband should DEFINITELY feel the same way. That said, sometimes the hustle and bustle of life can get couples so caught up in just making it day by day that they stop having real conversations.
They don’t “take each other’s temperature.” They don’t discuss what might be going on beneath the surface. I know I’ve shared before that one of my favorite quotes is “People change and don’t tell each other.” This happens, in part, because genuine emotions are not expressed in a safe environment. That said, setting aside time, just so the two of you can talk about how you’re really feeling (so long as it’s done in a respectful manner), can never hurt because it can help you both to get clarity on where you stand — and in a marriage, that is always beneficial.
May: Spontaneity
The theatrical producer Wei Wu Wei once said, “Spontaneity is being present in the present” and I couldn’t agree more! At the end of the day, spontaneity is all about acting on your impulses because you absolutely want to seize the moment that you’re in. Spontaneous people email their partner a hotel key at work. Spontaneous people have sex in the kitchen while they’re cooking. Spontaneous people buy “just because” presents. Spontaneous people go above and beyond in their partner’s love language (like cleaning the entire house if acts of service is their thing or having a massage therapist come to their home if their partner is all about physical touch).
In short, spontaneous people see their marriage as an adventure and treat it as such. There is absolutely no way that your marriage can’t improve, exponentially so, if you choose to be more mindful about it. Believe it or not, being spontaneous can help to make that happen. Act on a few impulses in May. See where it gets you.
June: Rededication
Two of the most popular months for weddings continue to be June and October. Something that happens in, pretty much every wedding ceremony, is wedding vows. Vows are promises. Vows are pledges. Vows are personal commitments. Vows ain’t nothin’ to play with. In fact, the Bible thinks so highly of vows that it says, “Better not to vow than to vow and not pay.” (Ecclesiastes 5:5) When it comes to this month and its particular theme, even if you got married at some other time throughout the year, use June as an opportunity to rededicate yourself to your husband and your relationship.
Print your marriage vows off and get them matted into a pretty frame. “Upgrade” your vows by building on the things that you’ve already said and then post those up where you and yours can see them on a regular basis. Formally or not-so-formally have a rededication ceremony. Do things that will remind the two of you why you chose each other to begin with and why you said the vows that you did in the first place.
July: (Sexual) Fireworks
Even if you happen to have a “normal” sex life (check out “Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is ‘Normal’?”), even if you’re not like 15-20 percent of married couples and you’re not sexless (“What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage”), even if you, for the most part, respect the purpose that sex plays in a marital union (check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important” and “8 ‘Kinds Of Sex’ All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation”), there need to be moments when you are willing to take your sex life to another level in order to avoid routine, ruts (check out “7 Signs You're In A ‘Sex Rut’ & How To Get Out Of It”) and all out boredom.
July is the month where fireworks are the most popular so why not use that as a metaphor for your sex life? Plan a sexcation. Create a new sex-themed bucket list. Try some new positions. Play around with some sex apps. Buy some new things for your sex stash (check out “15 Simple-Yet-Kinda-Buck Items To Take Sex To Another Level”). Step outside of your traditional comfort zone. I can’t tell you how many married people have told me that the thought of having sex with one person for the rest of their life isn’t the “problem” (check out “10 Men Told Me Why They're Fine Having Sex With One Partner”); it’s the idea of redundant sex that drives them completely up the wall! The good news is with some creativity and passion, this can be avoided. Use all of July to prove this very point.
August: Travel
There’s a married couple of over 30 years that I know who hasn’t taken a honeymoon and hasn’t taken a vacation together in over a decade (what in the world?). Every time I ask them what’s up, the wife defers to the husband while he keeps talking about all of the other things that need to be prioritized first. That’s a shame because one of the best ways for two people to spend quality time together is to travel. Even if it’s not something super extravagant that requires a passport, they should at least take a road trip together and stay at a quaint bed and breakfast in a city that’s a drive away. While I personally think that couples should take some sort of trip once a season, if you can’t do it any other time than in summer, plan to travel somewhere then. It can help the two of you to get off of the grid and really focus on each other. Do it enough and you’ll realize that travel is not a luxury; it is absolutely a necessity.
September: Budgeting
I recently read an article that said married people have higher credit scores and also quite a bit more debt than single people do. As far as the debt goes, it’s about $113,000 worth. I also checked out that two-thirds of marriages start with debt (watch how much you spend on those weddings, engaged people) while spouses feeling like their partner misspends money increases the likelihood of divorce by 45 percent. The bottom line? There’s no way around the fact that financial responsibility is a key to having a thriving relationship.
So, while you should be budgeting all year long (lawd, please make sure that you do), using September as a time to be hypervigilant in this lane certainly can’t hurt. Speak with a financial consultant. Set short- and long-term financial goals. Figure out where you can stand to cut corners. Determine where and how you want to save. Become more of a financial team. Being that financial drama continues to be a leading cause of divorce, taking this step is a surefire way to do your part in “divorce-proofing” your relationship. No doubt about it.
October: Holistic Affection
A wise person once said, “Men need to be loved physically in order to love emotionally. Women need to be loved emotionally in order to love physically.” While processing this point, something that can help both genders to get their needs met in this way is affection. Affection is basically doing things that express your love and devotion to your partner. It’s holding hands. It’s cuddling in bed. It’s verbally affirming one another. It’s touching while you both are talking. It’s validating what your partner has said. It’s being proactively attentive. It’s flirting over texts. It’s kissing on foreheads. It’s giving backrubs while watching television. It’s doing things that evoke warmth and tenderness between the two of you.
Just recently, I was talking with a couple who’d been married close to 45 years about the fact that while they are great friends, their intimate life had room for improvement, mostly because they know they aren’t as physically or verbally affectionate as they should be. Take heed to what they said. Affection is foreplay, on some way levels, in so many ways.
November: Family
There’s an indie Black movie that I checked out a few years ago called Incomplete. Without giving too much away, one of the main problems that the main married couple in it had was the wife was consumed with the idea of conceiving a child; so much so that things got really out of hand. Anyway, one of the things that her husband kept saying was, “Why don’t you recognize us as a family?” Y’all, something else the Bible says is when a husband and wife are joined, he is to leave his parents and cleave to her (Genesis 2:24-25). I can’t tell you how many couples go through real unnecessary drama because they happen to miss this memo.
When you get married, you are basically saying that the family you were born into takes a backseat to the family you are now in with your husband. This means you’ve got to set some boundaries with your relatives. This means you and yours need to come up with some of your own traditions. This means that neither one of you can be caught up in what your mama or his mama did in their house as a way to justify doing it in yours (even though it’s not working). Family is important. Your marriage is your family. The more time you devote to making sure that it remains healthy and intact, the better off your union will be for years to come.
December: Goodwill
According to biblical account, when Christ was born, an angel appeared to some shepherds and said, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!” (Luke 2:14). Although legend has it that Christ was actually born in June (my birthday, to be exact), we know that a lot of people acknowledge his birth in December. And peace and goodwill (which is benevolence which is kindness)? Can you imagine how much better marriages would be if both people, on a consistent basis, came from a place of “How can I bring more peace to my marriage?” and “How can I be kinder to my partner?” So, in December, ponder those very things.
Ask your husband how he defines peace in a relationship. Then ask him how you can be kinder as he processes your answers to these same questions. The Bible also tells us that love is not rude (I Corinthians 13:5) and yet, I can’t tell you how many sessions I’ve sat in where husbands and wives have been the absolute rudest to one another. Be his peace as he’s yours. Be kind as he’s kind to you. Goodwill is a beautiful thing in a marriage, so end your year with as much as it is absolutely possible. It’s the best kind of way to express love. It really and truly is.
Featured image by Getty Images
Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Colman Domingo’s Career Advice Is A Reminder That Our Words Shape Our Reality
When it comes to life, we are always here for a good reminder to shift our mindsets, and Colman Domingo just gave us one we didn't know we needed.
In a resurfaced clip from an appearance at NewFest shared as a repost via Micheaux Film Festival, the Emmy award winner dropped a gem on how he has navigated his decades-spanning career in Hollywood. The gem in question? Well, Colman has never identified with "struggle" in his career. Let that sit.
Colman Domingo On Not Claiming Struggle
"I’ve never said that this career was tough. I’ve never said it was difficult. I’ve never said it was hard," Colman said. "Other people would say that—‘oh, you're in a very difficult industry. It's very hard to get work and book work.’ I’m like, I’ve never believed that."
Instead of allowing himself to be defined by other people's projections about their perceptions of what the industry is or was, Colman dared to believe differently even if his reality was playing catch up with his dreams:
"Like Maya Angelou said words are things. And if you believe that, then that's actually what it is. Actually I've just never believed it. Someone told me some years ago, they said, 'I remember you were, you're a struggling actor.' I'm like, 'I don't.'"
"I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living..."
He continued:
"Even when I was bartending and hustling and not having opportunities or anything, I never believed that I was struggling because I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living and creating and being curious."
Colman’s philosophy of attaching to living instead of struggle has blossomed into an enduring career. He first made his mark on stage in acclaimed Broadway productions before transitioning to the screen, where his star began to rise in the 2010s following his role as Victor Strand in Fear The Walking Dead. From there, his presence only grew, landing memorable supporting roles in If Beale Street Could Talk, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, and the hit series Euphoria.
In more recent years, Colman has stepped fully into the spotlight with standout leading performances in Rustin and Sing Sing, both of which earned him widespread critical acclaim and Academy Award nominations for Best Actor.
With all that said, Colman's advice is no doubt powerful, especially for those who are chasing their dreams, building something from the ground up, or have question marks about what's next in their careers. Words shape our realities, and how we speak about our journeys even in passing matters.
Words Create Our Reality & Colman Is Living Proof
"I tell young people that. To remember the words that you say about yourself and your career are true. So, I choose to make it full of light and love and it's interesting and every day I'm going to learn something new even if it looks like I don't have what I want but it's important to be in the moment... you really build on the moments moment to moment.
"And you're looking back at your career as I've been in it for what 33 years and you're like, 'Wow, that's what I've been doing.' And I've stayed strong to that so I think that is truly my advice."
Let this be your sign to give your path a reframe. When the path you're on feels uncertain, the journey is still unfolding. Like Colman said: "I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living."
That's a Black king right there.
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