So, if you’re wondering why this article features a lead photo of a lotus flower, it’s because it’s actually one of the many symbols for a vagina. The backstory is two of the many things that a lotus represents are creation and rebirth — and so since we’re going to dive into what it means to have more of an emotional connection with your own vagina, I thought this visual would complement the mission perfectly.
But first — when you think of an emotional connection, what immediately comes to your mind? If it’s something along the lines of a bond between you and someone (or something) else, that’s a great mindset to have as you go through this particular piece. Because while it might not be a topic that is explored often, the more of a conscious (emotional) bond (connection) that you intentionally choose to cultivate between you and your vagina (and vulva) — the wiser decisions you will make concerning “her,” the more care you will put into nurturing her and meeting her specific needs, and the healthier she will be long-term.
So, are you ready to learn ten effective ways that can help you create this kind of relationship with your own lotus flower? Please read on and see.
1. Learn/Unlearn/Relearn About Your Vagina
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There’s a line from a Walt Whitman quote that I basically apply to virtually every area of my life: “Re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul.” When it comes to your vagina, think about what you were told in school, by your parents, on television, via your friends — how did those things shape how you see your vagina now? If there are areas where you have a negative perspective or even places where you’re drawing a blank, the beauty of being an adult is you don’t have to be at the mercy of other people’s insights and opinions (now).
So, take some time to learn new things about your vagina, to replace some teachings that were ridiculous at best, or freshen up on some things that you’ve forgotten. You know, a part of the reason why I write on the vagina a lot on this platform is for these very reasons — because it’s hard to love what you don’t know and understand. Right?
(By the way, you can read up on some articles on the topic via our platform right here.)
2. Create Mantras for Your Vagina
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Basically, a mantra is something that you say over and over again during a meditative practice. An author on the topic once explained it this way: “A mantra can be thought of as a seed for energizing an intention” — and I think that’s a beautiful way to look at it.
Although you may have never thought about having “intentions for your vagina” before, when you think about the fact that it is a physical component of extreme pleasure and profound intimacy, why not have mantras for it? Simple things like, “I will bring my vagina the absolute best” or “I will not betray my vagina by pretending I am fulfilled when I am not” can rewire everything about how you approach relationships, sensuality, and sexuality.
So, if you are indeed a meditator (and if you aren’t, why not use this as an opportunity to at least try to become one), why not throw in 1-3 mantras that have some sort of a vaginal theme to them? You never know what that kind of “seed” could ultimately do for your “secret garden” (cue Quincy Jones ‘n them; the real ones know).
3. Set Aside Time for Sexual Meditation
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Speaking of mantras for your vagina and how they can improve your sex life, something else that you might want to consider is setting aside time for what is known as sexual meditation. If it sounds a bit intimidating, it’s really just about learning how to be more mindful when it comes to sexual intimacy. And since mindfulness is about getting into a state (mind, body, and spirit) that will cause you to be in the moment, focus on your breathing and while learning how to fully accept yourself — it makes all the sense in the world that sexual mindfulness would be good for you, your vagina and ultimately your sex life.
One way that you can do that is by doing something known as orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”). Another method is vaginal mapping. We’ll get into that next.
4. Do Some Vaginal Mapping
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The more counseling that I do, the more amazed I am that so many wives (who are also mothers) have never really looked at their vagina before. I mean, even during labor, they preferred to look elsewhere. Listen, I’m not gonna preach too much but if you’re also someone who would rather “take a pass,” at least consider doing vaginal self-exams (check out “Why You Should Give Yourself A ‘Vaginal Self-Exam’”); just like your breasts need you to check up on them, your vagina does too. Don’t just wait until your annual visit to your gynecologist to make sure that everything is A-OK down below.
For those of you who may want to learn how to take things up a notch from a self-exam, get into what is known as vaginal mapping. Long story short, it’s all about exploring your vagina in a way that will help you to feel more comfortable with it, addressing some emotional or sexual issues you might be suppressing, and developing some sexual self-confidence as well. There are many people who have done vaginal mapping before and found it as a powerful way to find holistic healing on a myriad of levels. Anyway, if you want to learn a bit more about vaginal mapping and how it might personally benefit you, check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey.”
5. Purchase Items for Your Vagina and Vulva
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Me? I like to take my vagina and vulva shopping. What I mean by that is, every six weeks or so, I will tiptoe out into cyberspace to see what kind of products exist just for my va-jay-jay. As a result, I’ve found a vaginal wash that I really like, an oil for my pubic hair that makes it all feel uber soft, and a trimmer that doesn’t nick me. Oh, and don’t even get me started on panty shopping — between drawers and lip gloss, I know that I have a low-key addiction.
Real talk, there are a lot of items out in the world that are specifically designed for your vagina and vulva (including pubic hair dye if you want to cover up your grays like this brand here and this one here). So, why not cultivate some bonding time with “her” by setting aside a few coins to treat your own vagina to a few new things every once in a while (meaning, once a season…at least)?
6. Give Your Vagina and Vulva a “Pamper Day” (Monthly)
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Pampering is about extending an extreme level of indulgence, kindness, and care to someone or something. Do you do that for your vagina? For instance, when was the last time that your vagina (and vulva) had its own pampering day? This can include DIY’ing a vaginal wash for your time in the tub, making a rosewater solution to soothe an irritated vulva, giving your vulva a bit of a massage or hell, or even taking a longer nap so that your vagina (and the rest of you) can destress?
It can’t be said enough that a lot of us confuse self-maintenance with pampering — so, when it comes to your vagina, think about something that you can do for it that goes above and beyond…and then, instead of second-guessing, just go ahead and do it!
7. Feed Your Vagina Well
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Your diet affects everything about you — your vagina is absolutely no exception. For instance, because I have a fungal sensitivity, I’ve had to cut down on dairy (I never really do milk, but I do dig ice cream and cheese) because…did you know that dairy (and sugar) can jack up your pH levels and make you more susceptible to vaginal yeast infections? Yup. Bottom line here is it’s hard for your vagina to trust you if you’re not feeding it right, and yes, there are foods that work for your vagina (check out “The Foods Your Vagina's Been Craving”) and foods that work directly against it (check out “Here’s What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Eat LESS Of”).
There are plenty of articles (like this one here and this one here) to support the fact that your diet directly impacts your mental and emotional health for better or for worse. It’s hard to be emotionally sound when it comes to any part of you if you’re not consuming what will ultimately benefit you — head to toe. So, get — and keep — that diet right.
8. Forgive Your Vagina
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Have you ever low-key been upset with your vagina and/or vulva before? Hell, I have. When I had a yeast infection that demanded antibiotics. When my vulva (the outer part of my vagina) is irritated, and I can’t seem to get to the root of why. Back in the day, when I was sexually active, and I felt like I let how my vagina felt about someone’s penis trump what my brain was telling me about the person’s character. I could go on and on.
And just like any other time when we hold unforgivingness in our being, those moments caused me to feel disconnected from my vagina (and vulva) — sometimes without me even realizing it. I wouldn’t be as gentle with her. I wouldn’t mind skipping a wax appointment or two. I would ignore her when she was sending me signs that I wasn’t feeding her correctly or that a body wash or brand of detergent was literally rubbing her the wrong way. I wouldn’t sex journal my way into some clarity and peace about my past sexual decisions.
A great “starter definition” of forgiveness is one that I share often. It’s by author Gary Zukav: “Forgiveness is accepting that the past can’t change.” If you know that you don’t feel as good about your vagina as you should, take some time out to do some writing on why. And if you discover that you’re harboring some negativity towards it on some level, get intentional about forgiving it — and yourself. Not only does forgiveness help to improve the quality of your health, but it also boosts your self-esteem and makes your life better overall.
As a bonus, forgiveness reduces stress — and the less stressed out you are, the more you decrease your chances of experiencing various types of vaginal infections.
9. Thank Your Vagina
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I don’t know about y’all, but me and my vagina have shared some good times. There have also been moments when I know that my diet and sleep patterns have been off of the chain, and the good bacteria up in there kept the bad bacteria from taking over. Not to mention that my periods have been pretty kind to me over the years. Yeah, my vagina also deserves a “thank you” — and so does yours. And here’s the thing about expressing gratitude: it literally helps you to feel more positive so that you can have healthier emotions and, ultimately, healthier relationships.
Being thankful also helps you to not take things for granted — and since vaginas help to make great sex possible, help to birth babies, and play a role in our cycles staying on track…when’s the last time you gave it a heartfelt thank-you for holding you down?
10. Don’t Stress Your Vagina Out
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Stress isn’t good for any part of your being. Mentally, it can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, and/or depressed, being unable to make clear decisions, having a low libido, being sleep deprived, and not being productive throughout the day. Physically, it can create muscle tension, put on pounds, increase your chances of having heart disease (and a heart attack), give you digestive issues, and impair your memory. Emotionally, you can find yourself being frustrated, easily distracted and not being able to relax. And your vagina? Well, I wrote an entire article on what can happen when it’s had it up to here (check out “Ever Wonder If Your Vagina Is Stressed TF Out?”).
As we close this out, nothing can thrive and flourish in the way that it was designed to if it’s stressed out all of the time — and sis, if you’re having lots of vaginal infections, if you’re struggling to stay lubricated during sex, if your menstrual cramps are more intense than usual, all of this could be due to the fact that you and your vagina are not as in sync as you both should be, due to the fact that stress is all up in the way. So yes, get more rest. Drink more water (and herbal teas). Treat yourself to a new pair of panties. And give this article another once-over.
Because take it from me: when you are proactive about giving your vagina the time, attention, and praise that it not only needs but deserves, it can’t help but cause your entire being to feel better. How could it not when your vagina is such an essential part of you? One that is definitely worthy of feeling deeply connected to the deepest parts of your being…at all times.
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RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
So, what causes us to have moments when we’re not experiencing the sound sleep that we so desire? While I wish that I had a black and white answer for you, the reality is that several different factors (sometimes working together) may be the cause. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that if you check out the 10 leading causes below, by process of elimination, you might be able to get to the root of your own restless evenings — so that you can finally get the kind of quality rest that you well deserve.
1. Eating (Too) Late
GiphyLet’s start off with one that has a couple of layers to it. Although it is a good idea to not have a large meal less than two hours before turning in, some experts do say that a light snack that consists of natural melanin, serotonin or tryptophan could be helpful.
The reason why eating too much before bedtime isn’t a good idea is because the digestive process can be a pretty active one. Plus, it increases your chances of experiencing acid reflux and heartburn. On the other hand, snacking on almonds or tart cherries (melatonin), cheese or pumpkin seeds (serotonin) or yogurt or peanut butter (tryptophan) can be just what you need to lull your system to sleep.
Bottom line here: It’s not if you eat but what you eat…and when.
2. Junk Food
GiphySpeaking of foods, if junk food is totally your thing, first check out “Why You Should Consider Leaving Fast Food Alone” — and then at least try avoiding that stuff if you’re heading off to bed. Fried foods are hard to digest. Sugary foods (and carbs) can raise your blood sugar levels. Processed foods contain a lot of salt and salt can raise your blood pressure which can result in sleep disturbances. So, if you’re in the habit of going through a drive-thru at night, here’s a good reason to rethink doing so in the future.
3. Your Bedroom Is Too Hot
GiphyThis one right here, I can absolutely attest to — because when I am hot in a room, I can pretty much kiss sound sleeping goodbye. SMDH. The problem here is that when your body temperature is high, that can mess with your REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. Not only that but, in order for your system to produce the melatonin that it needs to keep you sleeping soundly, your body needs to be at a cooler temperature. And that is why your room sitting at somewhere around 65 degrees is ideal.
4. Your Bedding
GiphyI have a friend who just bought a house and I’m getting him a comforter for a housewarming present. Listen, don’t sleep on the power of amazing bedding because it, too, plays a role in how well you rest. Of course, you need to invest in a good mattress (you can read more about that here and here); however, when it comes to things like your sheets and your comforter, there are a few things to keep in mind.
Your sheets need to be made out of breathable fabrics like cotton, not ones like nylon, polyester or even silk. The reason why is because the latter traps in heat and we’ve already discussed what an elevated body temperature can do to you. Oh, and if you’re someone who enjoys flannel sheets during the fall and winter season, it’s probably better to get some blankets that you can “layer your bed” with instead; flannel can get mighty hot in the midnight hour too.
It’s also important that your sheets aren’t too small or too big for your mattress because that can make your bed feel uncomfortable. And comforter-wise, try and go with a color that doesn’t overstimulate you — neutrals and shades of blues, greens and yellows can accomplish this for you. And P.S., one of the best comforter brands around? Coma Inducer. I’ve been rocking with them for several years at this point and I don’t have not one regret.
5. Java and/or Alcohol
GiphyI’m not much of a coffee drinker (although I do adore coffee ice cream; go figure). I didn’t grow up with it (tea was in abundance in my home) and so it’s not something that I ever really think about. I do have friends who will drink coffee before bedtime, though, and that baffles me because coffee (due to the caffeine that is in it) is a stimulant — and that for that reason alone, you’d be better off having it in the morning instead of at night.
As far as alcohol goes, although it technically it’s a depressant, for the first couple of hours that it is in your system, it acts like a stimulant — which means that it tends to put your system on quite the roller coaster ride; one that you should want to avoid if you’re trying to get a good night’s rest.
My recommendation? Go the tea route and sip on some chamomile, lavender, ginseng, green or passionflower tea. All contain properties that are proven to relax your mind, body and spirit, so that you can fall asleep quicker and stay asleep longer.
6. Stress and Anxiety
GiphyListen, the summer of 2025 for me? Whew, chile (check out “I've Been Estranged From My Mom For Years. She Died Last Week.” and “I Was Hired To Be An Online Life Coach. Then Got Scammed For $4K. Here's How To Avoid This.”). Other than the couple of weeks when my mother was on a swift decline (and I was concerned about her physical suffering), thankfully, I didn’t lose much sleep, though — and praise the Lord for that because stress (and anxiety) definitely have a way of jacking up sleep patterns.
That’s because when you are stressed out, your cortisol (which is your stress hormone) spikes and that can hinder sound sleep — which can result in you feeling fatigued and irritable throughout the day. So, if you are stressed out — exercise, journal, meditate, spend quality time with fun and supportive people…oh, and have sex. All of these things are proven ways to calm and relax you — on a few different levels.
7. Late Day Naps
GiphyI adore sleep — always have. So, I can’t even say that it’s my age that has a sistah out here excited about taking a nap in the middle of the day (I work from home). And what I have to watch is not napping for too long or taking a nap that is too late in the day. Why? Because it can totally jack up my sleep patterns because it ends up throwing off my sleep schedule.
According to sleep experts, the way to avoid this is by scheduling your nap out about eight hours before your bedtime and also making sure that your nap doesn’t last any longer than 30 minutes (set an alarm, if you have to). If you do both of these things, you can get the benefits of a nap and the benefits of 6-8 hours of sleep without having to compromise either one.
8. Not Having a Sleep Schedule
GiphyAs humans, we really are creatures of habit. In fact, if you do something consistently enough, it can become automatic to you — it can end up being something that you do without really thinking about it at all. And that’s why it’s a good idea to at least consider coming up with some sort of a sleep schedule; that way, you can train your mind and body to have a pattern of rest.
The beauty of this is a sleep schedule can help you to reduce your stress levels, strengthen your brain, maintain a healthy weight, put you in a better mood and make you more productive throughout the day. On the other hand, not having a sleep schedule can make it really challenging for you to get quality rest at night. It only takes a few minutes to come up with a schedule and it’s well worth your time.
9. Too Much Stuff on Your Bed
GiphyEver heard that a cluttered desk reveals a cluttered mind? If you believe that, how in the world could this not translate to a bed as well? Hell, I even read an article which said that having a lot of stuff underneath your bed can wreck your sleep because it can trigger feelings of anxiety and restlessness and that’s because clutter can overstimulate you and keep you from being at peace.
Look, there’s no telling how many times I’ve said that bedrooms are for sex and sleep only (many interior designers feel the same way) — which means that your bed shouldn’t look like a makeshift office, it shouldn’t have clothes all over it and, even if you are an avid reader, it shouldn’t look like a horizontal bookshelf (where’s your nightstand at?).
You need to feel free to move comfortably about on your bed throughout the night — which ALSO means that, although I personally call pillows “stuffed animals for adults,” you still don’t need a ton of those on your bed either; two for sleeping and 2-3 more for décor purposes are typically ideal.
10. Your Damn Cell Phone
GiphyYou’ve probably heard this before and yet, since reportedly most of us check our phones somewhere around 205 times a day — I’m willing to bet that at least 10 of those times are while you’re in bed or when you’re up to make a bathroom run in the middle of the night. Yeah, as tempting as that might be, try to break that habit because the blue light that emits from your phone can disrupt how your system processes melatonin — and that is another way that you can find yourself really struggling to fall asleep again.
Whatever is on your phone, it can’t wait. It’s not worth your beauty sleep, chile.
BONUS: Imbalanced Hormones
GiphyHormonal imbalance is absolutely something that can have you tossing and turning all night long. If it’s due to all that is going on with you the week before your period, try exercising earlier in the day in order to help you sleep more soundly at night. If it’s because you are in the latter stages of perimenopause, consuming foods that are rich in phytoestrogens (plant-based estrogen) could help to level things out. Some of those foods include sesame seeds, garlic, peaches, berries and cabbage.
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YOU NEED SLEEP. Yes, I am yelling it because nothing is worth compromising it.
So, if you see yourself in anything that I just said, try making some adjustments tonight.
Within a week or so, you should find yourself sleeping more and tossin’ and turnin’ a heck of a lot less.
Beautiful.
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