Even though I work with mostly married couples, that doesn’t mean some of my clients aren’t engaged or single (which I personally classify as being not married or betrothed). And y’all, if there is one thing that I will advise single folks on — male and female alike — when it comes to intimacy, specifically, it’s please do not choose someone for the long run who is merely “good at sex;” instead, select an individual who enjoys it because there is a really big difference between the two.
It has been my professional observation (20 years in at this point) that people who are good at coitus can oftentimes find ways to weaponize, manipulate, and gaslight with it. People who enjoy it, though? Within them, there is a natural level of enthusiasm, joy and, even if they aren’t all that masterful, skill and technique-wise, at the acts(s), they are more than willing to learn (or customize).
The Oral Sex Gap: What Statistics Reveal About Giving and Receiving
Oral sex isn’t exempt here — and boy, when it comes to that topic, there are layers abundant. Although I’m pretty sure that no one is shocked that both fellatio and cunnilingus are acts that are hella popular and even preferred to actual intercourse (well, at least when it comes to women), what may surprise you is that while reportedly only 28 percent of women actually enjoy giving head, they still tend to go down on men way more than men go down on them (well, us — check out “What?! Only 35 Percent Of Men Go Down? Say It Ain’t So.”).
Not only that but I can’t tell you how many men and women have said to me that if there is one thing they wish would improve when it comes to experiencing intimacy with their partner, it’s oral sex — sometimes when it comes to receiving, sometimes when it comes to giving…sometimes when it comes to both.
Y’all, it would truly suck (absolutely no pun intended here) to go into (wow!) a quarter of this century and not be able to say by the end of it that 2025 was the year that you got some of the best cunnilingus — and gave some of the best fellatio — ever. And so, please take a moment to review a few helpful give-and-receive oral sex hacks. Nothing below is super revelatory or complex. If anything, they’re all just reminders that a bit of tweaking can lead to some totally mind-blowing oral action. It’s damn near guaranteed.
How to Make 2025 the Year of Mind-Blowing Oral Sex
GIVE: Be More Enthusiastic
GiphyJust like I write about sex a lot, I also talk to people about it quite a bit — and when it comes to fellatio, although I do hear some men express that they wish their partner would improve in the technique department, what is conveyed even more is that they think their partners lack in the enthusiasm department; enthusiasm in the sense that no one wants to feel like someone is going down on them when they would rather do just about anything but. SMDH.
Enthusiasm is all about approaching something earnestly, eagerly, and with a lot of passion. It’s about doing something because YOU want to, not just because it’s expected of you.
And so, if you know that you lack enthusiasm and it’s genuinely because you feel a bit self-conscious because you don’t think that you’re as good at going down as you would like, first check out articles on the platform like “Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This.,” “12 Things You Should Do During Oral (That You Probably Aren't)” and “Umm...Wanna Learn How To Swallow? Try These 10 Hacks.”
And what if you struggle with zeal because you really don’t like doing it? Well, check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?” and then be ready to have an open and honest (yet kind) conversation with your partner. Sometimes just getting that off of your chest can release a lot of pressure, so that you two can figure out something that will work for you both…together.
RECEIVE: Be More Communicative
GiphySomething else that I have noticed is A LOT of people sure do have egos when it comes to oral sex — this time, I mean in the giving department. It’s kind of wild (and unfortunate) too because it’s pretty unrealistic to think that just because a hot mouth is around genitalia, that should automatically mean that undeniable pleasure will ensue. Nah, the only way that anyone is going to get the type of oral sex pleasure that they long for is if they are willing to openly and effectively communicate with their partner.
And no, I don’t mean barking orders around. I mean, mastering the art of dirty talk which means watching your tone (make sure it’s inviting), clearly expressing what feels good and also being patient throughout the process. Y’all, the reality is that, although the acts of sex are somewhat generalized, each of us has individual “edits” that we like to have made — and there’s no way that your partner will know that unless you speak up. So…SPEAK. UP (check out “How To Make Him Better At Oral (Without Putting Him On The Spot)”).
GIVE: Master the Frenulum
GiphyThe underside of a man’s penis that is closest to his scrotum (balls)? That is called his frenulum. Since it’s considered to be the most sensitive part of a man’s penis, that’s why it definitely deserves some extra special attention when you’re giving a guy oral sex. You can do this by using your fingers to act like you’re sending a text (or playing a flute) while you are performing fellatio. You can put an ice cube in your mouth and lick the base of his penis so that he can experience some temperature play.
You can get your favorite sex condiment (check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”), apply it to his penis, and then lick the base as if it were an ice cream cone. You can put a vibrator on his frenulum while he’s in your mouth. You can lick the tip while using a penis massager like the Arcwave Ion Penis Stimulator (which uses airwaves as its main stimuli). The bottom line with this giving tip is to remember that just like your clitoris is the most sensitive part of your vulva, his frenulum is the most sensitive part of his penis — so, if you want to blow his mind, you simply shouldn’t ignore it.
P.S. To be fair, if a man is circumcised, he may only have a partial frenulum or he may not have one at all; however, because there still tend to be quite a few nerve endings at the base of a man’s penis, it still can be stimulated, so still give it some TLC either way.
RECEIVE: Have Him Give You “Cunnilingus Foreplay”
GiphyMaybe it’s just me, but I don’t get how there is foreplay for intercourse and not foreplay for oral sex. Hmph. Maybe it’s because far too many people see fellatio and cunnilingus as foreplay — I don’t, though. In my eyes, they are both types of sex which means they both deserve some “pregaming” action, if you know what I mean. On the cunnilingus tip, I think that men should be encouraged to kiss their inner thighs more and keep their partner’s underwear on longer.
Licking on top of panties, using ice for its own cunnilingus-focused temperature play, pulling panties in and while gently sucking on a woman’s vaginal lips (which stimulates her clitoris due to the pressure of the fabric that is on it) — these are all examples of doing just what foreplay does: serve as a prelude to sex.
That said, if you’ve got someone who simply “dives right in,” slow things down with a bit of cunnilingus foreplay. It will make the experience even hotter and will significantly increase your chances of having multiple oral orgasms (because yes, those are an actual thing too!).
GIVE: Focus on Other Erogenous Zones (Simultaneously)
GiphyTell me something: when you’re giving your partner head, where are your hands? If they are on his shaft, that’s cool (more on that in a bit); however, do you make the time to explore other parts of his body too? Yeah, let’s also make 2025 the year when we explore more than just the obvious erogenous zones. For men, places that drive them wild include their lower stomach, inner thighs, and nipples. While you’re down below, use your hands to caress those parts of his body.
Oh, and before you even get down there, massage his scalp and/or French kiss his earlobes as you whisper just what he is in for. Since, from what I’ve read, many guys are fine with fellatio lasting between 5-7 minutes (if they know that intercourse is on its way, that is) — by focusing on his other “hot spots” at the same time, that time might get even shorter.
RECEIVE: Get into Different Positions
GiphyJust like the missionary position is the traditional go-to for sex (hey, and don’t sleep on it either; check out “Here's Why The Missionary Position Will Forever Be Top-Tier” and “15 Hot Tips Giving The Missionary Position The Upgrade You Crave”), a woman being on her back is the traditional way that she (we) receive cunnilingus. However, just like other sex positions can “hit spots” in ways that you never saw coming — well, cumming — positioning your body in other ways during cunnilingus can do the same thing.
Get on all fours, so that your partner can slide his head in between your knees. Stand up and put one leg on the bed while he kneels in front of you. Try the Kivin Method which is basically about you being on your back while your partner goes down on you from a side angle (that way, your clitoris, vaginal opening, and perineum can all be easily stimulated).
Sit in a chair and “receive him” that way. Get into the doggy-style position and see if you like it from that direction. I’m telling you, folks be out here seriously missing out on other forms of oral pleasure and it’s all because they think that there is just one way to “do” oral — THERE ABSOLUTELY IS NOT.
GIVE: Use a (Wet) Hand
GiphyThere’s a series that I stumbled upon several years ago on YouTube entitled, Diary of a Cheating Man. During the second episode, the main (cheating) character said something while hiding in the closet from one of his ladies’ boyfriend: “I’m too old for this sh-t. I thought I got past this in high school or somethin’. Maybe Preston was right; I’m supposed to be the player and I’m out here gettin’ played by some fake ass basketball wife. Hey, I can’t lie, though. I get why dude is so overprotective. It’s hard to find a girl who can do the twisty hand thing when she gives you head.” LOL.
And you know what? That lil’ hack receives high praise, even in real life — plenty of men have told me so. Yep, massaging your partner’s penis while you are performing fellatio on him can provide an indescribable sensation because there are different types of applied pressures that are happening simultaneously.
If you want to make it extra erotic, either put some lube on your hands (flavored lube is even better — for you) or apply something like shea butter or a carrier oil (check out “So, Here Are The Carrier Oils That Will Take Your Sex Life To A Whole 'Nother Level”) to the shaft of his penis. Not only will it reduce the friction (and potential chafing), but it will require you to do less work in the “make it wet” department (you know, via spit) as well.
RECEIVE: Incorporate a Pillow
GiphyWhen it comes to cunnilingus, oh, what a difference a pillow makes. It’s practical (because it makes giving a lot easier on a man’s neck). It’s comfortable (because, as a receiver, your lower body is propped up without a ton of effort on your part). And it can help the experience to last longer, if that’s what you’d like — because, from what I’ve read and researched (check out “Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?”), many women want to “be on the receiving end” anywhere from 15-30 minutes at a time.
Honestly, your own pillows should be able to suit you just fine. Still, if you want to become extra well-versed in all things oral, check out Cosmo’s, “16 Best Sex Pillows, Wedges, and Cushions of 2024 for Hitting All the Right Angles;” you should be able to find one or two that will…get you right. #wink
GIVE AND RECEIVE: Make Eye Contact
GiphyAccording to science, when eye contact is made during sex, not only can it intensify your arousal (by increasing the levels of dopamine that are able to surge throughout your system), but it can also make you feel more connected to your partner. That’s why I decided to close this out by encouraging you and your partner alike to give each other eye contact while giving and receiving oral sex. And you know what this means, right?
In order for this to happen, you’ve got to be able to see each other (check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever”) — and that means you need to have a red, blue, or purple light bulb in your bedroom or some lit scented soy candles. The right lighting, a comfortable position, and eyes peering into each other during fellatio and cunnilingus — whew…does it get any better than that? Test it out and see, chile. Test it out and freakin’…see.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And honestly, the holiday season isn’t exempt from this. I know from personal experience because, as someone who hasn’t observed any for many years now (without one regret), you’d be amazed by all of the theories that I’ve heard as to why that is the case. SMDH.
Chile, you don’t have the time and I don’t have the space to get into all of that nonsense. For now, I just want to provide a silver lining from my having to endure other people’s yapping by letting those of you who may not be super enthusiastic about the holidays this year (or any year) either that there is nothing wrong with that — or with you.
I’ll break down why and how I’ve come to that conclusion.
Not Being “on-10” Doesn’t Make You a Grinch
GiphyHonestly, I have some pretty solid memories about Christmastime. Because my mother grew up with an alcoholic father (and supreme spiritual hypocrite), she was very emotionally tied to the holiday because it was the only time that she recalled having real peace in her home. And so, we did the Christmas thing, pretty much to the hilt — fresh Christmas trees, baking Christmas-themed desserts, watching holiday movies, going caroling, stringing popcorn…you name it.
It wasn’t until I became an adult and I started doing research on the origin stories of holidays (check out “The History of Christmas” if you don’t already know about it), in general, that I became more and more detached. Plus, as a seventh-day Sabbath observer (Exodus 20:8-11, Hebrews 4, Matthew 28:1) — every Friday sunset through Saturday sunset was like a holiday in certain ways to me, so I never really “lived” for traditional calendar ones.
That doesn’t mean that I am all "Bah humbug" to folks who are totally into the holiday, though. For instance, my godchildren’s father acts like Christmas is a drug for him and so anything Christmas-like that he can think of is his fix. And although the girls (6 and 14) know that I don’t observe, I am good for getting them a “cold weather present” usually around the time the temps drop (in October) instead of an actual Christmas gift. And although I usually pass on hanging out with folks on Christmas Day, I’ll help bake a cookie or two in the days leading up to it.
So yeah, the first thing that folks who are pretty “meh” about Christmas need to be reminded of is that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make you a Grinch. If you recall the Grinch’s story, he did have some trauma and so he took it out on Christmas. Meanwhile, most of us who can take or leave the holidays, we aren’t “mad”…we’re just…for the most part…disinterested. The rest of y’all “do you,” though. And we mean that sincerely.
Not Being Thrilled Doesn’t Mean That You’re Depressed Either
GiphyI’ve shared before that there is someone in my world who gets so excited about Christmas that I almost want to see if there is a disorder linked to it. LOL. I mean from the start of October on, you are going to hear about her Christmas plans, plus, you are going to start seeing holiday décor up in her house — and she’s always been that way.
Because she knows that “I’m good” on Christmas, there have been times when she’s asked me if it’s because my parents divorced when I was young or if it’s because my family lives overseas or if it’s because I am not married and never had children. Shellie, you’re way too excited for your birthday for you to just…not care about Christmas. I think you might be suppressing something.
Good lord, girl. LOL. I’m excited for birthdays because another year of life in my right mind is a blessing. Christmas, personally, doesn’t make a ton of sense to me (especially to be spending a lot of cents) and so, I’ll pass. It’s really not any deeper than that. Besides, it’s not like I’m sitting in the dark somewhere on Christmas Day rocking back and forth in a corner. If anything, I really appreciate how quiet the world seems to be (both online and off) while everyone else is doing their thing. THANK YOU.
So yeah, if Christmas — or the holiday season, period — doesn’t have you jumping up and down, don’t let other people’s enthusiasm gaslight you into thinking that you should see a therapist. That said, for the record, if someone has mentioned depression to you, here are some signs that mental health professionals say are associated with holiday-related depression:
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Trouble sleeping
- Anxiety
- Tension
- Internalized frustration
- Feeling lonely and isolated
- Not doing any of the things that you typically enjoy
Do you see not wanting to go to a holiday party, opting out of Christmas shopping with a bunch of friends or preferring to not have any Christmas decorations up in your house on the list? Yeah, me neither. Moral to the story: Please don’t let people get you down by trying to manipulate you into thinking that if you aren’t like them, something must be wrong with you. During the holiday seasons or otherwise, chile.
Use This Time (Unapologetically) for Yourself
GiphyRemember how I just said that one of the things I damn near adore about Christmas is, since everyone is focused on their own families, I can get some real quality time to myself? Although a lot of things are closed on Christmas Day, you can still order a favorite meal the day before, turn off your phone and sleep in on Christmas Day and, if you want to get out and about — I don’t know about y’all but one of my favorite things is to go to the movies alone and movie theaters are always open on Christmas.
You know, I’ve shared before that I once interviewed a Jewish woman who was married to a Christian man. Together, they observe Chrismukkah and there is something that she said about it that has always stayed with me (paraphrased): “I don’t believe in Christmas but anything that can bring peace, joy and goodwill to humanity, even for a day, that is something that I can get behind.” I agree. And sometimes, what we need to remind ourselves is we need to set aside time to bring peace, joy and goodwill to ourselves. Use the holiday season to do that, if nothing else. You won’t regret it.
Do Private Things More than Public Ones
GiphyEven beyond Christmas, specifically, what if the entire holiday season is something that you’re pretty ho-hum about because things like mall traffic, stressed out relatives and the busyness of it all aren’t your favorite things? My two cents would be to not put your head under the covers and just wait for January 2 to arrive. Instead, opt out of big celebrations and do “calmer and quieter” things with some of your favorite people.
Since pretty much from a couple of days before Christmas until kids go back to school, folks are not on their “usual schedule,” go to brunch with your favorite aunt (or uncle), host a sleepover with a couple of girlfriends and/or Zoom one of your buddies to create vision boards for the new year.
Listen, just because you may not be in the traditional holiday spirit, that doesn’t mean that you can’t take advantage of the time that it offers for you to do some quality things with people you care about. Just you and them. No one else.
Create Your Own Traditions
GiphyNot into the 12 Days of Christmas? Pamper yourself for the week leading into the New Year. Don’t want a Christmas tree? Have some roses or poinsettias sent to your house. Couldn’t care less about a ball dropping on New Year’s Eve? Rent out a huge Airbnb New Year’s Eve and enjoy a change of scenery.
Y’all, just because the holiday season comes with its own traditions, there is no written rule which says that you have to follow them — or that you can’t come up with some of your own. Hell, if you put enough thought into this tip, you might look up and realize that you absolutely adore this time of year — just for a totally different set of reasons than most. Beautiful.
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