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Sooo...What's Your Favorite TYPE Of Sex?
Monolith. If you’re blessed enough to get several decades under your belt while remaining in your (relatively) right mind, if there’s one word that you will find yourself using more and more often, it’s "monolith." The reality is, that very few things fall into the category of being “something having a uniform, massive, redoubtable, or inflexible quality or character” — sex included.
That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “8 Kinds Of Sex Every Couple Should Have In Their Rotation” because, as you’re about to see in a moment, sex is too grand to be limited and, like I tell some of the couples that I work with, sometimes having intimacy issues in their relationship is because they haven’t explored and then discussed the type of sex that they enjoy most.
And, as you’re about to see, there are more than just a few.
1. Oral Sex
Fellatio. Cunnilingus. Anilingus (also known as rimming). All of these fall under the definition of oral sex because oral sex is all about using one’s mouth to stimulate their partner’s genitalia. It’s funny because I recently saw an Instagram post where a woman was asking if folks could only get oral sex or intercourse for the rest of their lives, which one would they choose? And y’all, when I tell you that the answers were polarizing as hell. No side really won by a landslide. Interesting.
What I did notice is that when it came to orgasms, specifically, many of the women went with oral sex; which makes sense considering an overwhelming amount of women climax with the help of clitoral stimulation (only about 18 percent can cum from intercourse alone) — and oral sex is one of the best ways to make that happen. If you add to that the fact that you can receive peak sexual pleasure without the risk of pregnancy — yeah,oral sex is a win for many people whether it’s seen as an act of foreplay or the…main event.
2. Vanilla Sex
You know what I saw that was actually pretty good (other than Drew Sidora’s character perpetually playing a victim when she was doing the very stuff that she was accusing her man of): Todd Tucker (you know, Kandi Burruss’s husband) movie,The Pass. If you haven’t seen it (yet), the main married couple are Maurice (Rob Riley) and Nina (Drew Sidora). Nina was already on a slippery slope, off top, because consistent sex in their relationship was not something that she was prioritizing (check out “What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage”). However, when she did “fit it into her schedule,” vanilla sex was something that she was super fond of.
For the record, if there is a sexual position that is the mascot forvanilla sex, it would have to be the traditional take on the missionary. It’s considered to be traditional, conservative — the kind of sex that people who think that intimacy is for procreation more than anything and kinks should be avoided as much as possibly typically go for. In short, super-religious folks are gonna always revert to vanilla sex.
Now even though I didn’t just present vanilla sex to be fireworks central, I don’t think that anything is wrong with it any more than I think that something is wrong with preferring vanilla bean (which is always better than French vanilla, in my opinion) ice cream; especially since science says that missionary is what gets women the most consistent orgasms. Just make sure not to take the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach to it. Although missionary can be effective, if it’s all you ever do, it can end up becoming somewhat…boring.
This brings me to the next kind of sex.
3. Adventurous Sex
Folks who have the “I’ll try anything at least once” approach to life are usually all about adventurous sex. These are the kinds of people who aren’t afraid — or even hesitant — to try out certain kinks. They are the ones who you will hear had sex in a strange location and all you’ll do is shake your head or Elmo shrug. They are the people who will videotape themselves more than once (check out “Before You Make A DIY Sex Tape, Read This.”) and create bucket lists (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”), seemingly on a quarterly basis because that’s how intentional they are about trying new things.
Probably the best way to describe those who like adventurous sex is they’re adrenaline junkies which can be cool — so long that they aren’t so “on the hunt” for the next “high” that they don’t realize that intimacy, connecting, and not having to hang off of the chandeliers each and over time are good things too.
4. Morning Sex
I’ve been working with married couples for close to two decades now and when it comes to the healthiest ones in the bunch, one thing that they have in common is they prioritize sex (check out “Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is 'Normal'?” and “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important”). Even if they can’t do it the 90s R&B way (you know, all night long, chile), they will fit in a quickie or some morning sex — and good for them.
Morning sex gives you a good dose of “feel good” hormones at the start of your day, helps to strengthen your immune system, makes it easier for you to be productive through the day, helps you to feel closer to your partner until you can be in each other’s space again and, some studies even say that it can give you stronger orgasms too.
You know, I once read thatalmost 65 percent of women never engage in morning sex — that is absolutely insane to me. Now that you see all of the ways that it can benefit you (and your relationship), if you happen to fall into that tally, maybe give morning sex a shot to see if it can become your new favorite type of sex.
5. Spontaneous Sex
Natural. Impulsive. Without premeditation. These are some of the words that are typically used to define the word “spontaneous.” When it comes to sex, specifically, what I like about it (especially when it comes to couples who have been in long-term relationships) is that it reveals what happens when people are so into each other that they simply can’t hold back; they’ve got to have each other NOW. Spontaneous people send each other nasty texts just because. Spontaneous people meet up at home at lunch (and not to eat…well, traditionally so…LOL).
Spontaneous people book hotel reservations on a whim. Spontaneous people have sex in the middle of the night. Spontaneous people are oftentimes very vocal about how they feel and what they want when it comes to copulation. One of the best things aboutbeing a spontaneous individual — and definitely liking spontaneous sex — is everything doesn’t revolve around a plan. Spontaneous sex is very lust-driven and since lust means things like “intense sexual appetite” and “uncontrolled desire” — in context, what could possibly be wrong with that?
6. Synchrony Sex
Synchrony is all about something happening simultaneously. So, when you apply this word to sex, it’s when you and your partner feel totally in sync with one another on a physiological level. For instance, some studies say thata blind date is a win or an epic failure based on how much physiological synchrony comes into play because it’s all about things like heart rates beating at a similar pace and evenskin conductance (which is literally like an electrical current that is exchanged) aligning. And just how in the world can you create this if it doesn’t come automatically?
Engaging in things like orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”), spending time holding hands and cuddling, being intentional about spending quality time together — all of this can create physiological synchrony which can, in turn, intensify intimacy. Something else that’s cool about synchrony sex is when your bodies are on the same wavelength and you’re able to “breathe together,” it can increase your chances of experiencing an orgasm at the same time as well.
7. Solace Sex
If you or your partner is someone who struggles with some level of anxiety, some or more solace sex may be what is needed. Solace sex is basically all about providing someone with reassurance. That said, I do think it’s important to go on record that this shouldn’t be used as a crutch.
What I mean by that is, if you are constantly participating in solace sex because someone has a crippling level of low self-esteem or they are extremely insecure, having sex with them to make them feel better about themselves is ultimately going to be counterproductive and, quite frankly, could end up turning into something toxic.
A lot of people engage in solace sex, whether they realize it or not; and that’s how sex ends up being misused instead of fully enjoyed (some of y’all will catch that later).
8. Make-Up Sex
How many times have you heard someone (whether in media or in real life) say something along the lines of“Make-up sex is the best sex”? Any time I do, the characters Marcus and Angela from Tyler Perry’s movie Why Did I Get Married? almost instantly come to mind because remember how toxic they were and yet Marcus said that he didn’t mind fighting a lot because “the make-up sex was insane”? Yeah, it’s unfortunate how many people mistake craziness for passion which is a big part of the reason why I once penned, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good” for the platform.
Reconnecting with your partner via sex after a disagreement is fine. Being so poor at communicating that the two of you rely on sex to “gloss things over”? Eh…not so good. At the end of the day, make-up sex should be about celebrating reaching a resolve — not doing whatever you can to deflect from or avoid doing the work that it takes to actually find one.
9. Casual Sex
If you’ve ever read my article, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'” before, you already know it’s something that I’m not personally fond of; mostly because I know that casual means things like “careless” and “apathetic.” Luckily, I’m not the only one who feels this way because more and more mental health and relationship experts are saying that our so-called hook-up culture has more “side effects” than a lot of people want to admit. Take the article, “The Problem with Hooking Up” which I once checked out on Boston University’s website. A part of what it said is this:
“Hooking up can be risky because the relationship is not typically monogamous, and when it’s labeled as a friends-with-benefits relationship or other similar pseudo-commitment, it can lead to a false sense of security that might make people be less cautious.”
Are there any pros to casual sex? I mean, if what you’re after is purely recreational sex and you’re being safe (both physically and emotionally), I could see why it’s a “plus” in some people’s books. I’ll just say that as someone who used to be notorious for having sex with friends back in my sexually active days if you signed up for someone to have no real plans for/with you beyond getting off, you can’t get mad when they stick to their end of the deal. Just sayin’.
10. Mindful Sex
“Mindful” is one of those buzzwords that pops up a lot on the internet these days yet have you ever wondered exactly what it means to be that kind of person? To be mindful is to be fully present. To be mindful is to have a heightened level of awareness. To be mindful is to be intentional about not overthinking. To be mindful is to be super thoughtful and considerate towards others. And if you translate all of this into the act of sex — can you see how mindful sex can be extremely powerful and intimate? There’s no way you can rush through foreplay and consider yourself a mindful sex participant.
There’s no way you cannot know your partner’s needs and consider yourself a mindful sex participant. There’s no way that you can always have quickies only and consider yourself to be a mindful sex participant. Out of all of these, mindful sex is the kind of sex that all couples in long-term relationships should aspire to have the most often because mindful sex truly is some of the best sex (check out “Mental Foreplay Hacks That Ultimately Takes Intercourse To New Levels” and “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?”). If you’re planning on having sex tonight, try and be mindful about it; watch how it takes things to a completely different level.
11. Solo Sex
Solo sex is basically masturbation. Aside from the fact that it’s probably the safest way to enjoy sexual stimulation without the risk of pregnancy or contracting an STI/STD, there’s also no way around the fact that it providessome of the same health benefits as sex with another person does include a decrease of stress levels, reducing the intensity of period cramps, making it easier to fall and stay asleep, strengthening your pelvic floor and, assome experts say, it can help to reduce some of the symptoms that come with perimenopause/menopause as well. Just one (main) word of caution here: if your solo sex consists of sex toys, “too much of a good thing” could affect how you feel about sex with actual people — and not in a good way.
There areplenty of articles out in cyberspace that (fore)warn individuals that sex toys can make it so easy to orgasm that you find yourself either faking orgasms with your partner (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”) or disconnecting on some level with them because you’re so climax-focused that you’re not connection-driven. Solo sex can also make you a selfish (self-consumed) sex partner if you do it excessively too because, if you have mastered how to get your own self off, doesn’t it make sense that being patient enough to show someone else might feel like a complete waste of time? Balance is key with solo sex; that’s for sure.
12. Foreplay
Foreplay is the appetizer before the meal. It’s what sexually arouses us to the point where we want to have sex and, from a physical standpoint, since lubrication makes sex more pleasurable for women, foreplay tends to be very necessary too. And why am I closing out with this one? It’s because some people are so into foreplay that they barely even “show up” for sex. Because they get a lot of what they need from foreplay alone, the act of sex doesn’t seem very necessary for them — which can cause real issues if their partner doesn’t feel the same way.
Bottom line with foreplay is it’s beautiful and essential, more times than not. It’s also something that you shouldn’t get in a rut about (meaning, just like sex shouldn’t always be routine, foreplay shouldn’t be either). Just make sure that you see it in the way that it was intended — warming up the engine before actually driving the car (so to speak).
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There you have it, y’all — 12 types of sex. Now that they’ve been broken down a bit, which one is your automatic go-to (it always works), which one is your favorite (your preference), and which one should you try out more? Because just like you can havea type of man, you can have a type of sex. AND just like your guy type can keep you stuck if you’re not careful…your type of sex can too.
Learn and explore. Rinse and repeat. Enjoy over and over. In that order too, sis.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
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I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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