

Maybe it's just me, but a lot of the time, whenever I read something that addresses this particular topic, I feel like it is almost always slanted toward religion. If that's been your experience as well, let me just say that this is not the angle that I'm coming from today. You can read articles I've written on the site like, "What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?" and "6 Things To Consider Before Getting Into An Interfaith Relationship" to get an idea of what I think about how religion plays a role in long-term relationships.
However, the more that I evolve in my own spiritual journey, the more I get that our spirit man—or woman—is quite vast; too vast to be limited to a particular doctrine or a place of worship. In another article that I wrote on how to protect one's spirit, I share that the Hebrew word for spirit is "ruach" which means breath.
At the end of the day, our spirit is our very being; it's how we live out our daily lives. That goes way beyond a chosen faith.
And so, when I think of whether or not someone is truly spiritually compatible with another person (or not), believe it or not, ruach is what first comes to mind. Does the person complement the other individual's truest essence? Do they exponentially improve the quality of their life? In order to know for sure, I think this has to be broken down into a few different categories.
And so, whether you're with someone and you're looking for confirmation that the two of you are spiritually compatible, or you're not in a relationship but you want to choose wisely once the time comes, I've got seven things that I believe everyone should take very seriously before joining their life—their spirit—to someone else's.
Signs You Are Spiritually Compatible With Someone
Here are some telling ways to know whether you are spiritually compatible with someone. Or not.
1. You're Able to Thrive in Your Strengths
If you just looked at this first point and you're already stumped because you're not sure how to identify what your strengths actually are, a few things that you should consider are what you're naturally good at, what people compliment you about most often, what you would do for free and still totally enjoy, what makes you feel good and, at the same time, what challenges you to be your best self. And, since we're talking about spiritual compatibility here, it also doesn't hurt to take a spiritual gifts test.
Although the concept is "birthed" out of I Corinthians 12 (gifts that help to build up the church), I've come to realize that a lot of what that kind of test reveals is beneficial, in general. For instance, I test high in wisdom, discernment, prophecy, writing, and giving. If you look at all of this outside of traditional religion and doctrine, the Church is about people and the definition of ministry is service. My spiritual gifts help to serve people. Whatever our strengths are, spiritually or otherwise, a huge part of what they are designed to do is serve people.
With this in mind, the person you are spiritually compatible with? They are someone who is going to provide you with the insight and support that you need in order to thrive in your strengths.
A mistake that I used to make in a lot of my past relationships is, that I would allow people to drain me of my strengths more than help me to build upon them. People would use my writing abilities (and connections) to get them ahead more than to help me figure out how to grow in it or, they would take advantage of my giving gift rather than see how they could assist me in being able to bless others. I now know that the right man for me will be a lot like my late fiancé was.
He was the kind of man who did not only recognize and acknowledge my strengths, but he invested real time into figuring out how I could continue to grow and develop in them. A man who wants you to thrive in your strengths and does what he can to make that happen? This is one indication of someone who is spiritually compatible with you.
2. You Feel Comforted, Not Coddled, in Your Weaknesses
Weaknesses are interesting. At the end of the day, they are basically areas where we all can stand to improve. Or, they are areas that are holding us back. For a long time, two of my areas of weakness were not being a good listener and not handling stress well. And you know what? A lot of the men in my life only fed into those weaknesses by being naturally combative (which only made me want to listen less) and/or knowing what my triggers were (check out "Gaslighting, Love Bombing & 5 Other Triggers To Call Out In Your Relationships") and choosing to stomp all up on them anyway. They were emotional antagonists.
You know, if you read up on how to define what your weaknesses are, a lot of experts will say that things that feed your ego, drain your energy, or, on the professional tip, things that you put off until the last possible moment are all considered to be weaknesses, simply because they hinder you from becoming your best possible self.
Keeping this in mind, when someone is spiritually compatible with you, first, they will provide a safe space for you to acknowledge the weaknesses you know about. Not only that, but you will find yourself trusting them enough to bring other weaknesses to your attention because you know that they are doing it out of love, not to attack you or make you feel less than others.
An ex-boyfriend from my past used to say something that irritated me at the time yet I actually really appreciate these days—"I'm not going to apologize for knowing that you could be a better person in certain areas." Ego typically pushes back on statements like that, but someone who wants to become their greatest self will find that to be a really beautiful thing for someone who truly cares about them to say.
3. They Push You to Take Your Purpose to Another Level
I am soooo the person who is like, "If you don't know what your purpose is, I really think it's best to wait before getting into a serious relationship." The reason why is because your purpose is literally "the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc." If you have no clue what that reason is, it can be difficult to discern who is the right and best fit for you.
But if you do happen to know what you were put onto this earth to do, another great way to discern if someone is spiritually compatible with you is they will complement your purpose in some evident and truly significant kinds of ways. Either their own gifts, talents, personality, and resources will help to elevate your purpose, or, the way that they respect your purpose will cause them to balance you in a way that fuels you to grow more in the areas of your purpose.
What I mean by that is, say that you're an entrepreneur. Someone who is good for your purpose is going to automatically get that your line of business requires a lot of sacrifices; their focus won't be on nagging you to death but on finding ways to help you rest, have fun, and find peace in their presence. Or, say that you're in entertainment. They won't be the jealous kind who is constantly making you feel like you can't be trusted. They will be wired in such a way that they can handle what comes with your profession because they get that it's a part of you.
I know a man who adored his job as a sound engineer. Then he married a woman who didn't like the fact that he was always on the road and his paycheck was more of a "feast or famine" kind of thing. In order to make her happy, he came off the road and got a job working in computers. He was miserable which ended up backfiring on her plans. They're divorced now. Under God himself, never allow someone to cause you to put your purpose in jeopardy. The way to do that is to 1) know what your purpose is and 2) not settle to be with anyone who doesn't respect it to the fullest.
4. Your Relationship with the Most High Evolves
A wise person once said "The right person will never distract you from God. It will bring you closer to Him." God is so big that this point could be an entire article all on its own. For that reason, it's actually going to be the shortest point out of all of these.
If you are with someone who puts your personal relationship with the one who created you into influx, whether that be when it comes to your principles, your values, your faith, your convictions, or the time that you spend getting close to the Most High, they are absolutely not spiritually compatible to you.
Matter of fact, what they actually are is a spiritual enemy. Enemies can be smooth and seductive. Don't let how someone makes you feel prevent you from seeing what is really going on with you and God. If a person starts to become more important than the Spirit, you already know what I'm about to say. Don't just walk away…flee. You'll thank me later if/when you do.
5. Your Character Matures
There's one guy I know who I can tell hasn't meant the one yet. Don't get me wrong, he has had his fair share of relationships; some of them were even exclusive. But the reason why pretty much every woman gets the side-eye from me is, that I haven't seen him mature very much since I met him (and that's almost going on 20 years at this point). He's still a player. He still doesn't take much accountability for his actions.
And, when it comes to the karma that will surround all of the pain that he's caused, so many women that I also know? Yeah, brotha…good luck with that. In the article that I wrote, "Here's Exactly How To Start Protecting Your Spirit", one thing I share is the fact that a facet of your spirit is your character. Dr. Steve Maraboli once said, "The truth of your character is expressed through the choice of your actions."
Another great sign that you are with someone who is spiritually compatible with you is, that you notice that you start to make wiser and more beneficial life choices, both personally as well as professionally. You won't keep making destructive or counterproductive decisions nor will you stay stagnant.
You will be able to clearly see how, since your relationship, your traits have matured and your morals (your principles) have become clearer. Much clearer.
6. You Are at Total Peace with Your Personality
From a psychological standpoint, one definition of personality is "the sum total of the physical, mental, emotional, and social characteristics of an individual". In short, your personality is what makes you, well, you. When I look back on the relationships that I've been in, something that the healthiest ones had in common is, that I wasn't trying to make the guy something he wasn't and he wasn't trying to change me either. I reference my late fiancé often because, the older I get, the more I see just how good he was for me (especially at the time).
An example of this is, although he was relatively quiet and private, I was out here loud and anything but private. But every time he looked at me, his eyes would light up like I was the best thing he had ever seen in his entire life. Because he was so at peace with me—the good, the bad, and the straight-up ugly—that made me become more at peace with myself. That, in turn, made me want to refine areas that needed it and be unapologetic about the traits that didn't.
The Hebrew word for peace is "shalom". The root of it is wholeness and completion. If you want to know if you are spiritually compatible with someone, ask yourself if they encourage you to be at total peace with who you are as an individual.
Process if they are improving you or somehow trying to change you (which aren't quite the same thing). A great indication of a healthy relationship is when you both feel like your physical, mental, emotional, and social traits are welcome in each other's space. If you don't feel that way, something is off and that "off-ness" could end up breaking your spirit, if you're not careful.
7. The Core of Your Being Isn't Sacrificed
A lot of people have issues with the word "sacrifice" when it comes to relationships. I don't. I like the meaning of the word a lot, to tell you the truth. At the end of the day, a sacrifice is simply "a surrender of something of value as a means of gaining something more desirable or of preventing some evil". True love, at times, requires sacrifice. I mean, if you are a Bible follower, God sacrificed Christ (John 3:16) out of His love for mankind; that is how much He valued us.
The problem with a lot of relationships is not that one or both people are making sacrifices in them; it's more than either one person is sacrificing way more than the other is or, that the sacrifices that are transpiring are toxic.
For instance, when you're with someone who is spiritually compatible with you, they are not going to require or expect you to sacrifice the core of who you are, what makes you healthy and whole, or what will get you to where you need to go in life. Remember, spirit is about life and so, the one you are spiritually compatible with will only encourage you to, as the Good Book says, have life more abundantly (John 10:10).
This life and the time that you have to live it is very precious. Be intentional about being with someone who feels the same way about you and provides an atmosphere for you to soar and thrive like never before. If who you're with isn't doing that, while they might be a lot of things…"spiritually compatible" is highly doubtful. My hope and prayer are that all of these seven points have fully supported why.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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The first time I heard about burn journaling was during my interview with Dreka Gates. She shared a self-care practice a holistic doctor recommended involving writing “whatever is pissing me off” and then burning the paper afterwards. According to the model, burning the page neutralizes the negative energy.
This practice piqued my interest, so I decided to do some research. I ran across a few articles about the practice and what exactly it entails. However, I soon remembered that I actually practiced burn journaling over a year ago and again last year.
The first time I did it, I was among a group of ladies and we were encouraged to write down our feelings in our journals. Afterwards, we huddled around and one by one burned our pages with some ladies even revealing what they wrote. It was a beautiful moment and a great way to support each other.
The second time I did burn journaling, I was by myself. I was reading Calling In The One and one of the practices involved writing down the things I wanted to let go of and burning it. I had Cleo Sol’s “Know That You Are Loved” playing in the background on repeat while I burned the pages in my apartment bathroom.
What Does Burn Journaling Do?
Based on my experience and others' explanations, burn journaling is a cathartic practice. The act of burning serves as an emotional release of past traumas, old thoughts, and negative feelings. It’s also a way to say goodbye and/ or forgive.
Types of Burn Journaling
There are different examples of burn journaling: Burning journals after writing, burning letters and burning lists.
Burn Journals
As stated before, you can write in a journal and burn it afterwards. It’s up to you if you burn it page by page or wait until you fill the journal up and burn it altogether. There are journals you can buy for the sole purpose of burning them afterwards.
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Burn Lists
This technique involves writing a list of things you want to let go of and then burning it. Burning the list symbolizes the release of those things.
Burn Letters
Another example are burn letters. For this technique, you write a letter to someone that you either want to forgive or let go of, but instead of sending it to them, you burn it.
Safety Precautions
If you do decide to try this practice, make sure to be safe. Use a fireproof bowl for burning and never leave it unattended. Alternatively, you can shred the pages.
If you’re in Atlanta and want to try burn journaling, meet me this Sunday for Burn Journaling & Walk.
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