Something that I know I definitely get from my late father is a desire to find out all sorts of random information. And since I write about sex a lot—I mean, A LOT—it wouldn't be right if I didn't share some of the science-based data that I've collected about that very topic.
Aside from the fact that this kind of stuff is pretty interesting, another reason why I encourage you to check it out is, sometimes, research helps us to connect dots on certain things that we may have always wondered about but didn't really know where to look for clarity. So, if sexual knowledge is also your forte, here are 15 points about it that science says are based on fact more than opinion.
1. Your Childhood Affects Your Sex Life
I say it often because it is always true. Unfortunately, for a lot of us, adulthood really is about surviving childhood. Sex is included in this reality. There is plenty of research which states that people who had emotionally or physically unavailable parents (neglect is a form of abuse, by the way) usually end up struggling with sexual intimacy. That makes sense because our parents are our first introduction to how relationships work. So, if you've got emotional walls up during sex, you find yourself only having sex to please your partner or casual sex is all you know—do some reflecting on what your life was like growing up. The holistic intimacy that may have been lacking back then could very well be the basis for why you're having a hard time with sexual intimacy now.
2. Not Cuddling Makes Sexual Satisfaction Worse
I actually read that one author thinks that cuddling works against sexual pleasure because it can make you feel so familiar with your partner that you end up not lusting them (what in the world?); however, in that same article, there are studies which indicate that cuddling—especially after sex—is highly beneficial for your sex life because it helps to increase the oxytocin (what is considered to be "the love hormone") levels in your body and makes the sexual experience, overall, so much better. So, after coming off of the high of intercourse (or oral sex), hug and kiss on your boo a bit. It's the icing that makes the cake more delicious in every way.
3. Sex Helps You to Get Sick Less
Even if you're not a big fan of oral sex, I still recommend that you check out "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm". Mere words cannot express, just how much sperm/semen truly is the ultimate multivitamin. And since there are so many nutrients in it, plus the act of sex itself is a great stress reducer, I totally get how sex helps to strengthen your immune system, so that you end up getting sick less often.
4. There’s No Such Thing As “Normal” Sex Drive
At first, I was gonna hyperlink an interview that I read where someone said a sex drive is basically non-existent because you don't need to have sex. Then I thought, "chile, please". The fact that a woman's clitoris seems to have only one function (to help us orgasm), that is enough of a reason for me to believe that sex is essential, on many levels. What science does agree on, across the board, is there's not really such a thing as a "normal sex drive". Things like gender (men have more testosterone which tends to make them hornier overall), lifestyle, diet, one's mindset of sex, religion, the kind of relationship they are in with the one they are having sex with—these are just some of the things that can factor into if someone's libido is high or not. However, the bigger concern you should have is if you once had a strong desire for sex and suddenly, you no longer do. If this is the case, make an appointment to see your doctor and if they give you a clean bill of health, then a therapist or counselor. Just make sure that you don't compare your drive to anyone other than yourself. All of us are different.
5. Less Contention Breeds More Sex
Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just sharing the data. Did you know that according to a study that was published by The Journal of Research in Personality, women who are more agreeable in relationships tend to have more and better sex? I know for some of y'all that "agreeable" is probably a trigger, yet it makes sense if you really think about it.
Less drama. Less stress. Less stress. More sex. I don't agree with Dr. Phil often, but I do feel him when he says, "Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" Just something to think about.
6. Clingy, and Aloof, People Have Worse Sex than Others
Life. It's all about balance, right? Another thing that some researchers have discovered is when it comes to attachment styles that involve being super clingy or being too aloof, that can definitely put a damper on one's sex life. Being clingy projects being insecure and no one finds that sexy. As a direct result, a less sexually satisfying experience happens for and with those kinds of people. As far as being aloof goes, it's not so much that the sex isn't good; it's more that they don't prefer to have sex as often. They avoid it because they don't prefer to engage in any form of intimacy as much. Hmph.
7. Vagina Size Doesn’t (Really) Matter. It Does Shift, Tho.
At the end of the day, the size of a woman's vagina (the tube that starts at the outer opening of the vulva and goes all the way up the neck of the uterus (the cervix) doesn't matter much. Yes, vaginally giving birth to a child can alter it some; however, for the most part, our va-jay-jay is pretty elastic and resilient. If you've ever wondered what the size of one is before, on average, vaginas are 2.44 inches long and range from 1.5 to 4 inches wide. This is why I constantly roll my eyes when women are talking about how big a man's, umm, member needs to be (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go"). Your most intense never endings are two-inches in, so long as a man can sexually scratch your itch right there, you'll be fine.
Oh, but it should go on record that the reason why your length has so much "inch range" is it tends to shift during your menstrual cycle. That's because it's common for your cervix to change positions (something I learned the hard way, once I started using a menstrual cup).
8. Men Have 9-11 Erections Every Day
I really like to cook. To this day, perhaps the greatest compliment on my cooking comes from an ex who used to automatically get erections whenever he ate something that he truly enjoyed. So, if you're someone who thinks that men only experience a hard-on when they are sexually aroused, think again. Anything that stimulates one of a man's senses (taste, touch, scent, sight, smell) can cause his nerves to send chemical signals to the blood vessels in his penis. How often? Reportedly somewhere between 9-11 times a day it seems.
9. (Weed) Smoke Can Make Sex Better
Last fall, I wrote "7 Proven Ways Weed Makes Sex So Much Better" for the platform. Not because it's my personal opinion but because there is some solid data behind the fact that a little "puff, puff, pass" can do everything from boost your sex drive and make you feel more relaxed, to provide you with more energy and relieve sexual discomfort. If you'd like to read a little more on the topic, you can check it out here.
10. Sexsomnia Is a Thing
I've had a couple of people tell me that their partner has fallen asleep, right in the middle of sex before. While this probably doesn't do the most for someone's sexual self-confidence, what's a trip is there are actually some people who have what is known as sexsomnia. What it all boils down to is they are able to engage in sexual activity while they are sleeping (kinda like someone can legitimately sleep-walk). While it's probably more that folks are worn out that causes them to end up snoring during sex, there are eight percent of people who have been diagnosed with sexsomnia. No joke.
11. Men (Always) Dominating in Bed Can Backfire
Something that quite a few husbands have told me they wish would change in the bedroom is them having to initiate sex all of the time. And you know what? They've got data to back their feelings up.
There are studies which indicate that men who either believe or are put into the position to assume the dominant role all of the time tend to communicate their needs and ask what their partner needs less often. So, if you want to please your man more or possibly fake orgasms less, come on to him sometimes. Watch what happens when you do.
12. Sexual Communication Can Reduce Depression and Improve Sex Overall
If you and/or your partner battle depression, you may not have that strong of a sex drive. That's understandable. Yet did you know that sharing your feelings with your partner can actually curb some of your depression-related symptoms and also put you in the mood? When you feel totally accepted by your partner, to the point where you can share all of your thoughts and feelings, that, in turn, makes you want to get closer to them—sometimes this includes on a sexual level.
13. Sex Boosts Your Memory
Got a test or presentation coming up? You might want to have sex a couple of hours before it. Aside from the fact that sex has an uncanny ability to relieve anxiety, there are plenty of studies out here that say it also makes it easy to recall verbal memory too. The breakdown of why is a bit complex. If you're curious, though, you can read more about it by clicking here.
14. Good Sex Makes “I Love Yous” Automatically Happen
A lot of people could spare themselves plenty of heartache and disillusionment if they learned the difference between "I love you" and "I love it" during sexual activity. Meaning, sometimes, when a person exclaims "I love you!" during the heat of passion, oftentimes what they mean is they love how you make them feel—sexually. No more, no less.
Keep this in mind at all times because there's a study that states that 75 percent of men and 74 percent of women say that their partner expressed those three words during their last sexual encounter. It's a part of the reason why I wrote, "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner".
15. Gratitude Improves Your Orgasms
Selfishness never works in any setting. Sex is not exempt. In fact, I once read that couples who are intentional about expressing gratitude towards one another, outside of the bedroom, on a regular basis, end up having much better sex and more orgasms. How does this work? Well, grateful people tend to be more interested in pleasing their partner because they are so thankful for having them in the first place and because their partner feels appreciated, they are freer and desirous of making their partner happy. So, make sure to let your partner know what you adore about him. It's a good thing to do and can make sex so much better—for you both. Enjoy!
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