I’ve been doing this marriage life coaching thing for almost twenty years now (no joke). And if there’s one thing that not just wives ask me, husbands do as well, it’s why does it seem like sometimes orgasms for women come supernaturally while other times, it’s frustrating as hell to even get close to climaxing.
Although I did write an article for the platform a couple of years back entitled, “Why Are My Orgasms So Damn Inconsistent?” that’s more about helpful hacks that can make orgasms more predictable (in the best way possible, of course). Today, though, what we’re going to get into is ten things that literally play a role in what can have you hanging from the chandeliers on Monday and then feel like you’re a couple of steps up from watching paint dry (I mean, that might be a bit extreme but…) on Friday.
Because although our culture may have you believe that mind-blowing sex is as simple as whether your partner can hold it down or not, those of us who know better get that having orgasms regularly, especially as a woman, is a bit more complex than that.
With that being acknowledged, here are ten things to take into serious consideration if you’d like your orgasms to happen way more often than they currently do — and you can’t seem to figure out why they, well, don’t.
1. Ovulation
GiphyBack when I used to work with an organization that worked with people who dealt with porn and sex addiction, whenever someone would ask for practical tips for making wiser sex decisions, one thing that I would almost always say is, “Know when you’re ovulating. It is absolutely not a coincidence that you’re hornier when it’s easiest for you to get pregnant.”
In fact, there is data to support that you increase your chances of having (more) orgasms during that particular time of the month because it’s when estrogen levels in your system tend to increase. So, if you haven’t been keeping up with your cycle, this is a great reason to start doing so. Random horniness during particular times of the month actually ain’t as “random” as you might think, sis.
2. Moods
GiphyDid you know that, reportedly, over 20 percent of people experience some type of mood disorder in their lifetime? So, if you’ve been constantly experiencing mood swings, please don’t just assume that it’s PMS or “just the way that you are.” Hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, a poor diet, and underlying health issues are just some of the other things that could be coming into play.
Another issue that could be fighting against your orgasms?Stress.According to the American Psychological Association, 2 out of 3 Americans are stressed out, just by the current state of our country alone, and The American Institute of Stress says that 55 percent of us are stressed out during the day. When you factor in both of these facts, stress in your own life is definitely something worth pondering.
And here’s the thing: when you’re stressed out, it can take the biggest sex organ you’ve got out of the game — and that is your brain. It can also cause your cortisol (your stress hormone) levels to increase, which makes climaxing problematic too.
So, while sex can, ironically, decrease your stress levels, if you’re looking for an orgasm out of the deal, spending some time exercising, spending time soaking in the tub, or even just deep breathing before everything begins can help you to get the “icing” (orgasms); not just the “cake” (sex).
3. Lubrication
GiphyThe wetter, the better. When it comes to well, cumming, this point will always apply. Whether lubrication is natural or it comes from a bottle (or tube), it can help to make achieving the Big O easier as well. That’s because the more “lubed up” you are, the less friction and/or uncomfortable you will feel.
Hell, there are even some lubricants that profess to contain ingredients to delay ejaculation — and since it, on average, takes us about double the time it takes a man to “reach the mountaintop,” if you need more time to get there, lube (like this one here) might be just what you’ve been looking for.
4. Foreplay
GiphyThere are two different ways to process the benefits of foreplay when it comes to climaxing — physical and mental. Let’s do the physical part first. The more foreplay a woman receives (especially when it’s good foreplay), the easier it is for her body to relax, for blood circulation to flow throughout her pelvic region, for more natural lubrication to flow, and for her to feel more stimulated all the way around.
On the mental tip, a wife once said to me that when her husband takes his time during foreplay, it makes her feel sexy, thoroughly attended to, and very desired — and there’s no way that being in that headspace can’t significantly increase the chances of having one — or several — pretty amazing orgasms.
So, if your orgasms happen to very much so be hit-or-miss, take a mental note of what the foreplay has been like when you’ve been screaming and grabbing sheets vs. when you…haven’t.
5. Skipped Stages (of Orgasm)
GiphyI’m thinking that most of y’all know that orgasms happen in stages. For the most part, health experts agree that there are basically four of ‘em: desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution. Desire is what happens when you both want to have sex, and you’re experiencing foreplay. Arousal is when you’re on the brink of an orgasm. An orgasm is when you’ve hit your peak, and resolution is when your body prepares itself for (hopefully) some afterplay.
Although quickies work for some people, they don’t work for all because sometimes this means that the first initial stages are either skipped over or they are super quick. That’s why this point needed to be mentioned too because, if the long, romantic sessions always “get you there” but the bent-over-while-brushing-your-teeth moments don’t — it could be because you need more time for desire and arousal than others do (including quite possibly, your partner).
6. Your Connection with Your Partner
GiphySeveral years back, HuffPost published an article entitled, “Want More And Better Sex? Get Married And Stay Married.” It basically shared six reasons why it makes sense that married people have better sex lives than singles do. Whether you choose to side-eye that or not, I’ll share two other things for you to ponder. One, when you think back on your own sexual journey, when has sex felt the most satisfying: when it was just sex or when there was a deeper emotional connection? And two, chile, even the most promiscuous of men in my world say that sex is better when they are into a woman as opposed to just being attracted to her.
Why is all of this the case? Well, think about when you feel mentally connected, emotionally safe, and profoundly cared for by another person — doesn’t that naturally enhance intimacy on a whole ‘nother level? When we feel totally in sync with someone, that can make orgasms easier, too, because that means there are no barriers or walls.
7. Overstimulation
GiphyI once read that over 163 million adult Americans own a sex toy. I’m not personally in that number because, for better or for worse, I’ve never personally had the need for one. However, between working with the organization that I mentioned earlier and the countless couples who I’ve counseled at this point, I will say that there is something to consider if you do happen to be a huge fan of ‘em.
While on one hand, sex toys could help you to discover what will make climaxing easier, like just about everything on the planet when it’s done in excess, sex toys can work against you as well. How? They can make “old-fashioned” sex with your partner more difficult because either you have unrealistic expectations from them (as far as, for example, how quickly you expect them to bring you to orgasm) or they can overstimulate you to the point where cumming with them is a challenge, period.
Probably the best way to look at this is sex toys and make-up have something in common — they are supposed to enhance your sex life, not change it altogether to where you barely recognize the “original version” of things. Yeah, if you’re out here peeved because a penis doesn’t work just like a Rose toy or a Rabbit, it’s time to “get back to the middle” on matters because, newsflash: penises never were supposed to.
8. Unrealistic Expectations
GiphySpeaking of unrealistic expectations…do you have any? Thinking that your partner should read your mind is an unrealistic expectation. Expecting every orgasm, every time, to have the same level of length or intensity is an unrealistic expectation. Comparing your sex life to your friends and their stories is an unrealistic expectation. Wanting your partner to be just like your ex (how would you feel if he expected that out of you, by the way?) is an unrealistic expectation. Thinking that sex won’t somewhat change over time or have ebbs and flows is an unrealistic expectation. Requiring less than what you give (both in and out of the bedroom, actually) is an unrealistic expectation.
Can sex be absolutely amazing? 1000 percent. I’ll go so far as to even say that it should be. At the same time, though, humans are human. They aren’t robotic. They aren’t always consistent. They damn sure aren’t perfect. Again, the biggest sex organ is your brain, so if you’re out here mentally expecting your partner to be a fantasy that you randomly conjured up in your mind, you could be setting yourself up for some serious disappointment — and it’s hard to cum when you’re in that state of mind.
9. Faking
GiphyIn 2019, I penned an article for the platform entitled “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP.” Then in 2021, I wrote the piece, “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not.” The topic needed to be broached because the reality is a lot of people are faking it out here (men included), and while folks have their reasons, personally, I am absolutely NOT a fan.
Chalk it up to the Gemini in me if you want; I just don’t get how being fake (a word that literally means things like deceptive and fraudulent) in the bedroom is ultimately benefiting anyone. In fact, most of the clients that I have who’ve admitted to doing it say that they only end up resenting their partner for thinking that they are doing a good job (i.e., “completing the mission”) when they actually aren’t. Yet if you’re lying to them, is that their fault or…yours?
If you’re someone who fakes because, say, you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, although I get that, it’s still pretty counterproductive, especially if you’ve got a guy who sometimes makes you cum on a fluke (which can really make when it’s real vs. when it’s fake pretty confusing for him). If you’re not sure how to “get more honest” without it all blowing up in your face (“it” being the fact that you’ve been faking it all of this time), try and incorporate some more dirty talk into the dynamic. Listen, men don’t typically mind taking clear instructions in the bedroom…so long as they’re delivered in a “dirty” kind of way. #wink
10. Fatigue
GiphyWith reportedly 40 percent of us falling asleep during the day at least once a month and between 50-70 million Americans having sleep disorders, it makes complete and total sense that fatigue could play a role in, not just how strong your libido is (or isn’t) but if you’re having orgasms too. Believe it or not, there are studies that reveal that a lack of quality rest can take a direct toll on women as far as sexual arousal goes, not to mention the fact that our genitalia responds better to sexual stimulation once we’ve received some much-needed zzz’s.
So, if you know that you’re not consistently getting between 6-8 hours of sleep, don’t put more pressure on your partner to perform better. Chances are, your sexual responses are all over the place due to lack of sleep…not good lovin’.
By the way, “These 12 Tips Will Improve Your Sleep Patterns. And Your Sex Life.” can totally help you out in this department — if you need it. And who doesn’t need more orgasms, chile?
Like…c’mon now. Take a nap. GET. IT. ON.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'Bel-Air' Actress Jazlyn Martin On Her Ongoing Identity Crisis And Its Influence On Her Creative Journey
Jazlyn Martin is a triple-threat performer known most for her role as Jackie on Peacock’sBel-Air. Her character’s fiery personality and questionable decisions have led to a few shocking moments in the series and quite a bit of convo on social media.
Now, I’ll be honest: as an avid TV-lover, I was well-prepared to hop on Zoom and jump into all the chatter around Bel-Air and her characters’ decisions. But after listening to her new EP Identity Crisis, I knew there was a lot more to talk about as well. During this exclusive conversation with xoNecole, Jazlyn Martin delved into the challenging journey she’s faced surrounding her identity, newfound fame, and family influence, and how it all plays a part in her art. Check it out!
xoNecole: So I know that your father is in the entertainment world, but when did you realize you shared the same passion?
Jazlyn Martin: I think it was very early on. I was a child who was full of attitude and fearlessness that would go after anything I wanted. I believe seeing my dad pursue music made me realize it was possible. I just had this hunger and fire, and my parents consciously fed and nurtured that - they are always all super supportive of whatever I do. So very, very early on, I was like, I'm meant to do this. And I just was like, I'm a star, and I know I'm a star.
xoN: Actually, let's talk about your family. What are some of your most important values, and how have your family and heritage played a part in shaping those values?
Jazlyn: I mean, my mom is like an angel; she's so graceful and kind, and I've had to work hard to get there. When I was young, I was very abrasive, headstrong, and stubborn. Whereas my mom gives an immense amount of grace in the way she carries herself. I had to learn that.
I think being strong is something I’ve always had. My parents always joke that they don't know where my personality came from. Because my dad is shy and timid and my mom is kind, and I'm a fireball. But my Dad always asked the important industry questions like, “Why do you want to do this?” And that instilled some purpose into me. It really carried me to keep going because it's so easy to be discouraged in this field, but that drive has helped me push through all of the challenges.
xoN: I bet. I have such a respect for actors and the way you all navigate the industry. Speaking of, let’s dig into “Bel-Air.” Were you a fan of the show? Did you have to go back and watch the episodes?
Jazlyn: So I actually did watch the show which is crazy because sometimes I don’t. I saw it was a reboot and was like, ‘Oh no, not another one.’ But I watched the first three episodes, realized how good it was, and ended up watching the whole season. I became a fan, and then a few months later, I booked the role!
I think the imagination is such a beautiful and powerful tool, and I feel like if you create something in your mind, it happens. It's a crazy thing, but I really just created Jackie's world - the house she grew up in, her parents leaving her, and everything. I created why she fell in love with dance. I really came at it from a human approach. If I see it, then the audience can see it.
xoN: Yeah, background plays into so much of how we deal with things, how we interact with people, and everything. And I feel like Jackie gets a lot of backlash. Like, we’ve all had a “Jackie Moment” to be real.
Jazlyn: She gets so much backlash! I just encourage people to give her grace and see the God in her because I do think she tells a lot of Black and brown girls' stories. People project on her, saying she’s too ratchet or hood, and I’m like does that mean she’s not loveable?
We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her. Because she’s helped me extend empathy to people I don't necessarily want to or don't think deserve to have it. But she's 17, she's figuring it out, and she doesn't have parents. Like, that's such a huge factor.
"We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her."
xoN: You mentioned how your character is viewed, which digs a bit into identity. So I want to talk a little bit about some of the emotional songs on your EP “Identity Crisis.” What inspired the track “Perfect?”
Jazlyn: When I was creating “Perfect,” I already had the EP title. So I kind of mapped out, like, the different conflicts I had in my head and categorized them into seven songs, and so one of my identity crises was being perfect. Because I feel like a lot of men tend to put women on pedestals. They're expected to be perfect - especially when you’re in the limelight. You know, you can't slip up. You can't say the wrong thing. Cancel culture is such a huge thing. And I just wanted to encourage people to give people grace to be themselves because that's not an easy thing to do.
I just wanted to take down this facade that I’m perfect because I never pretended to be. I never wanted to be. I think that's something people have placed on me, that I have it all figured out, I think I just carry it well, but that doesn't mean it's not heavy. I just wanted to be very vulnerable and honest. I think people think “perfect” is a compliment, but I think it's a cage because it doesn't allow room for error. It doesn't allow for you to be human and mess up and fail and take risks. So I just wanted to encourage grace.
xoN: Do you ever feel like you went through an identity crisis?
Jazlyn: I go through one constantly. Growing up, I didn't really have one. But I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just “other.” That was an identity crisis in itself.
Also, being introduced to a level of fame has been interesting, too. I think we all go through identity crises all the time because we’re evolving and changing. It’s beautiful, but it’s also scary; you see yourself this one way, and then something happens, and there’s a shift. So yeah, I think it’s something we all go through but no one talks about.
"I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just 'other.'"
xoN: I love that. And I know Hispanic Heritage Month is coming up, and you'll be speaking at the New York Latino Film Festival. Talk to me about what that moment means to you and what you hope to bring to the event. *Editor’s note: The interview was conducted before Hispanic Heritage Month began.
Jazlyn: I’m bringing some Afro-Latino-ness! I always grew up seeing Latinos being represented in a very specific way—very Spanish, not very Indigenous looking. So I'm really excited to bring the Black experience, with the Latino experience, to the stage because that's something a lot of people don't know exists.
People are always like, “Are you Black or Latina?” Well, I'm both! We were just dropped off in different parts. I’m excited to speak on that and highlight how prevalent anti-Blackness is within Latino communities. A lot of Afro-Latinos have faced an identity crisis because of it, including myself. It sometimes feels like you’re supposed to hate the other half of who you are.
For me, I held onto that little Black girl inside. I refused to let her go. And that’s what I want to represent when I speak—resilience and acceptance of our full selves. I’m also looking forward to meeting fellow Latino people, especially Afro-Latinos, and sharing our stories. It’s not a narrative that gets much attention, and I’m excited to represent.
xoN: I’m excited for you! Finally, with all the praise and recognition you’re receiving now, what has it been like to transition from working in music, dance, and acting to now being in the spotlight? How have you embraced this new level of fame?
Jazlyn: Um, it's overwhelming. I think that's the best word. Sometimes, I'm joyful, because I'm giving back to the community. People resonate with Jackie's stories and see themselves in her, which I think is the biggest compliment to me. But then sometimes, you know, I feel sad because I'm like, ‘Damn, I'm not doing enough,’ like I should be doing more. It's crazy, the industry is so fast-paced that you don't really try to celebrate wins. It's just a transition, an identity crisis of the like.
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From NBC Exec To Full-Time Creative Boss: Imani Ellis Shares The Story Behind CultureCon’s Unstoppable Rise
CultureCon, an idea sparked in founder Imani Ellis’s New York City apartment, began as a gathering of support, networking, and fun for 10 friends. Today, the conference—a must-attend for the who's who creatives in media, marketing, and entertainment—has expanded to draw thousands for panel discussions, brand activations, and even more fun in major cities, including Los Angeles and Atlanta. Past speakers include Tracee Ellis Ross, Chloe x Halle, Issa Rae, Spike Lee, Stacey Abrams, and Kandi Burruss.
This year’s event drew more than 20,000 attendees and boasted names like Cynthia Erivo, Yara Shahidi, and Law Roach. Former First Lady Michelle Obama also made an appearance at an event held during the conference week, where Janelle Monáe was the DJ.
“Never in a million years did I think I would get to this point,” Imani tells xoNecole in an interview. “When I invited 10 friends over to my apartment, I thought that was it. We're gonna do a potluck. But we kept inviting friends and inviting friends, and so to have 10,000 people at CultureCon—it's still blowing my mind.”
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The former NBCUniversal executive, now full-time boss, is also the brains behind The Creative Collective, a global resource and community for Black creatives.
“During the first few years, I was the vice president at NBC, you know, really growing there and that team and I also was trying to build CultureCon. And what I really learned was, you know, you've got to have time management. It's not always going to look the same. So, for a lot of days, there were early days and late nights. Early days really were kind of overlapping. And the entire time, I thought, ‘This is just, kind of, like my community-building part of my life. It just kept growing and growing until finally I realized that I was getting to the next chapter of my life, which was doing CultureCon full time.”
The theme for this year was “CultureCon Goes To Camp,” with the imagery and vibes of a “creative adventure.” Attendees enjoyed talks about “the future of Black business,” how to monetize your social brand, and tapping into your “creative genius,” among other empowering topics.
“I think the fact that there is no limit is so exciting. And so we'll say, ‘Let's make the theme ‘Camp,’ and then 11 months later, we're showing up, and it's actually ‘Camp.’ So to see your ideas in your mind and then collaborate with your friends and see it again in real life, I love that experience. So I'm so excited to see all the places where CultureCon can go. In the past, we've done CultureCon Atlanta, we've done CultureCon in LA. This year, we did the first-ever CultureCon on campus. We took CultureCon to HBCU campuses, so the sky is the limit.”
For more on Imani Ellis and future CultureCon events, follow on IG @CultureCon or CultureCon.com.
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