I’ve been doing this marriage life coaching thing for almost twenty years now (no joke). And if there’s one thing that not just wives ask me, husbands do as well, it’s why does it seem like sometimes orgasms for women come supernaturally while other times, it’s frustrating as hell to even get close to climaxing.
Although I did write an article for the platform a couple of years back entitled, “Why Are My Orgasms So Damn Inconsistent?” that’s more about helpful hacks that can make orgasms more predictable (in the best way possible, of course). Today, though, what we’re going to get into is ten things that literally play a role in what can have you hanging from the chandeliers on Monday and then feel like you’re a couple of steps up from watching paint dry (I mean, that might be a bit extreme but…) on Friday.
Because although our culture may have you believe that mind-blowing sex is as simple as whether your partner can hold it down or not, those of us who know better get that having orgasms regularly, especially as a woman, is a bit more complex than that.
With that being acknowledged, here are ten things to take into serious consideration if you’d like your orgasms to happen way more often than they currently do — and you can’t seem to figure out why they, well, don’t.
1. Ovulation
GiphyBack when I used to work with an organization that worked with people who dealt with porn and sex addiction, whenever someone would ask for practical tips for making wiser sex decisions, one thing that I would almost always say is, “Know when you’re ovulating. It is absolutely not a coincidence that you’re hornier when it’s easiest for you to get pregnant.”
In fact, there is data to support that you increase your chances of having (more) orgasms during that particular time of the month because it’s when estrogen levels in your system tend to increase. So, if you haven’t been keeping up with your cycle, this is a great reason to start doing so. Random horniness during particular times of the month actually ain’t as “random” as you might think, sis.
2. Moods
GiphyDid you know that, reportedly, over 20 percent of people experience some type of mood disorder in their lifetime? So, if you’ve been constantly experiencing mood swings, please don’t just assume that it’s PMS or “just the way that you are.” Hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, a poor diet, and underlying health issues are just some of the other things that could be coming into play.
Another issue that could be fighting against your orgasms? Stress. According to the American Psychological Association, 2 out of 3 Americans are stressed out, just by the current state of our country alone, and The American Institute of Stress says that 55 percent of us are stressed out during the day. When you factor in both of these facts, stress in your own life is definitely something worth pondering.
And here’s the thing: when you’re stressed out, it can take the biggest sex organ you’ve got out of the game — and that is your brain. It can also cause your cortisol (your stress hormone) levels to increase, which makes climaxing problematic too.
So, while sex can, ironically, decrease your stress levels, if you’re looking for an orgasm out of the deal, spending some time exercising, spending time soaking in the tub, or even just deep breathing before everything begins can help you to get the “icing” (orgasms); not just the “cake” (sex).
3. Lubrication
GiphyThe wetter, the better. When it comes to well, cumming, this point will always apply. Whether lubrication is natural or it comes from a bottle (or tube), it can help to make achieving the Big O easier as well. That’s because the more “lubed up” you are, the less friction and/or uncomfortable you will feel.
Hell, there are even some lubricants that profess to contain ingredients to delay ejaculation — and since it, on average, takes us about double the time it takes a man to “reach the mountaintop,” if you need more time to get there, lube (like this one here) might be just what you’ve been looking for.
4. Foreplay
GiphyThere are two different ways to process the benefits of foreplay when it comes to climaxing — physical and mental. Let’s do the physical part first. The more foreplay a woman receives (especially when it’s good foreplay), the easier it is for her body to relax, for blood circulation to flow throughout her pelvic region, for more natural lubrication to flow, and for her to feel more stimulated all the way around.
On the mental tip, a wife once said to me that when her husband takes his time during foreplay, it makes her feel sexy, thoroughly attended to, and very desired — and there’s no way that being in that headspace can’t significantly increase the chances of having one — or several — pretty amazing orgasms.
So, if your orgasms happen to very much so be hit-or-miss, take a mental note of what the foreplay has been like when you’ve been screaming and grabbing sheets vs. when you…haven’t.
5. Skipped Stages (of Orgasm)
GiphyI’m thinking that most of y’all know that orgasms happen in stages. For the most part, health experts agree that there are basically four of ‘em: desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution. Desire is what happens when you both want to have sex, and you’re experiencing foreplay. Arousal is when you’re on the brink of an orgasm. An orgasm is when you’ve hit your peak, and resolution is when your body prepares itself for (hopefully) some afterplay.
Although quickies work for some people, they don’t work for all because sometimes this means that the first initial stages are either skipped over or they are super quick. That’s why this point needed to be mentioned too because, if the long, romantic sessions always “get you there” but the bent-over-while-brushing-your-teeth moments don’t — it could be because you need more time for desire and arousal than others do (including quite possibly, your partner).
6. Your Connection with Your Partner
GiphySeveral years back, HuffPost published an article entitled, “Want More And Better Sex? Get Married And Stay Married.” It basically shared six reasons why it makes sense that married people have better sex lives than singles do. Whether you choose to side-eye that or not, I’ll share two other things for you to ponder. One, when you think back on your own sexual journey, when has sex felt the most satisfying: when it was just sex or when there was a deeper emotional connection? And two, chile, even the most promiscuous of men in my world say that sex is better when they are into a woman as opposed to just being attracted to her.
Why is all of this the case? Well, think about when you feel mentally connected, emotionally safe, and profoundly cared for by another person — doesn’t that naturally enhance intimacy on a whole ‘nother level? When we feel totally in sync with someone, that can make orgasms easier, too, because that means there are no barriers or walls.
7. Overstimulation
GiphyI once read that over 163 million adult Americans own a sex toy. I’m not personally in that number because, for better or for worse, I’ve never personally had the need for one. However, between working with the organization that I mentioned earlier and the countless couples who I’ve counseled at this point, I will say that there is something to consider if you do happen to be a huge fan of ‘em.
While on one hand, sex toys could help you to discover what will make climaxing easier, like just about everything on the planet when it’s done in excess, sex toys can work against you as well. How? They can make “old-fashioned” sex with your partner more difficult because either you have unrealistic expectations from them (as far as, for example, how quickly you expect them to bring you to orgasm) or they can overstimulate you to the point where cumming with them is a challenge, period.
Probably the best way to look at this is sex toys and make-up have something in common — they are supposed to enhance your sex life, not change it altogether to where you barely recognize the “original version” of things. Yeah, if you’re out here peeved because a penis doesn’t work just like a Rose toy or a Rabbit, it’s time to “get back to the middle” on matters because, newsflash: penises never were supposed to.
8. Unrealistic Expectations
GiphySpeaking of unrealistic expectations…do you have any? Thinking that your partner should read your mind is an unrealistic expectation. Expecting every orgasm, every time, to have the same level of length or intensity is an unrealistic expectation. Comparing your sex life to your friends and their stories is an unrealistic expectation. Wanting your partner to be just like your ex (how would you feel if he expected that out of you, by the way?) is an unrealistic expectation. Thinking that sex won’t somewhat change over time or have ebbs and flows is an unrealistic expectation. Requiring less than what you give (both in and out of the bedroom, actually) is an unrealistic expectation.
Can sex be absolutely amazing? 1000 percent. I’ll go so far as to even say that it should be. At the same time, though, humans are human. They aren’t robotic. They aren’t always consistent. They damn sure aren’t perfect. Again, the biggest sex organ is your brain, so if you’re out here mentally expecting your partner to be a fantasy that you randomly conjured up in your mind, you could be setting yourself up for some serious disappointment — and it’s hard to cum when you’re in that state of mind.
9. Faking
GiphyIn 2019, I penned an article for the platform entitled “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP.” Then in 2021, I wrote the piece, “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not.” The topic needed to be broached because the reality is a lot of people are faking it out here (men included), and while folks have their reasons, personally, I am absolutely NOT a fan.
Chalk it up to the Gemini in me if you want; I just don’t get how being fake (a word that literally means things like deceptive and fraudulent) in the bedroom is ultimately benefiting anyone. In fact, most of the clients that I have who’ve admitted to doing it say that they only end up resenting their partner for thinking that they are doing a good job (i.e., “completing the mission”) when they actually aren’t. Yet if you’re lying to them, is that their fault or…yours?
If you’re someone who fakes because, say, you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, although I get that, it’s still pretty counterproductive, especially if you’ve got a guy who sometimes makes you cum on a fluke (which can really make when it’s real vs. when it’s fake pretty confusing for him). If you’re not sure how to “get more honest” without it all blowing up in your face (“it” being the fact that you’ve been faking it all of this time), try and incorporate some more dirty talk into the dynamic. Listen, men don’t typically mind taking clear instructions in the bedroom…so long as they’re delivered in a “dirty” kind of way. #wink
10. Fatigue
GiphyWith reportedly 40 percent of us falling asleep during the day at least once a month and between 50-70 million Americans having sleep disorders, it makes complete and total sense that fatigue could play a role in, not just how strong your libido is (or isn’t) but if you’re having orgasms too. Believe it or not, there are studies that reveal that a lack of quality rest can take a direct toll on women as far as sexual arousal goes, not to mention the fact that our genitalia responds better to sexual stimulation once we’ve received some much-needed zzz’s.
So, if you know that you’re not consistently getting between 6-8 hours of sleep, don’t put more pressure on your partner to perform better. Chances are, your sexual responses are all over the place due to lack of sleep…not good lovin’.
By the way, “These 12 Tips Will Improve Your Sleep Patterns. And Your Sex Life.” can totally help you out in this department — if you need it. And who doesn’t need more orgasms, chile?
Like…c’mon now. Take a nap. GET. IT. ON.
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Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
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Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
My main motive? Mostly, I hope that it will serve as a solid reminder to embrace all of the things that you adore about this time of year, so long as you do it in moderation and you weigh the costs.
Especially as far as drinking alcohol is concerned.
PRO: Manages Blood Sugar Levels
GiphyHere’s something that you may have never seen coming. Were you aware of the fact that alcohol can actually help to stabilize your blood sugar? Yep, according to the American Diabetes Association, so long as you leave it to no more than 1-2 cocktails a day, alcohol may be able to lower your A1C levels. Pretty cool, right?
CON: It’s a Carcinogen
GiphyAlcohol is a carcinogen. The reason why this should somewhat alarm you is because carcinogens are things (like tobacco, UV rays, processed meats, etc.) that can increase your chances of being diagnosed with cancer (especially mouth, throat, esophagus, stomach and breast cancer). There are various ways this happens including the fact that alcohol, specifically, can hinder your body from breaking down certain nutrients, it can cause your estrogen levels to spike and alcohol can also cause certain toxins to damage your DNA and certain bodily proteins over time.
PRO: Cultivates Euphoric Feelings
GiphyIf you find yourself feeling more euphoric while you’re enjoying a drink, it’s not all up in your head. Although, for the more part, alcohol is considered to be a depressant, when consumed in small amounts, it can provide a stimulant effect. This happens due to the fact that when you first start to consume alcohol, it causes the production of the feel-good hormone known as dopamine to increase — and since dopamine makes us all feel more relaxed and confident while heightening our senses of pleasure too…well, there you have it.
CON: May Increase Anxiety/Depression
GiphyAs they say, “what goes up, most come down” at some point — and that is what you have to be careful of when it comes to alcohol consumption. For instance, when you drink alcohol, although it tends to initially cause your dopamine levels to uptick, because it is a temporary bodily response, sometimes the dips are lower than the rises…and that is when anxiety starts to kick in. A similar point is made with depression because oftentimes, people with depression-related symptoms, will use alcohol as a way to deflect from what’s really going on with them — and that can make them feel even worse than ever once the buzz of alcohol starts to wear off.
PRO: Has Some Heart-Related Benefits
GiphyWhen it comes to your heart, there are interesting findings surrounding its relationship to alcohol. For instance, some research states that, so long as the consumption is moderate, alcohol can actually help to increase the good cholesterol in your system while also breaking down proteins that can potentially lead to blood clots; both of these factors alone can reduce your chances of dying from heart disease.
CON: Packs on Pounds
GiphyIt’s no secret that alcohol tends to contain quite a few calories. That’s why, it’s not uncommon for people who’ve lost weight to mention “I’ve stopped drinking” as one of the causes for the shed pounds. That’s not to say that there aren’t some alcoholic beverages that have less calories than others including vodka (133 calories per serving), white wine (148 calories per serving) and tequila (99 calories per shot). Just keep in mind that the more you drink, the more calories get into your system and the more weight you stand to gain.
PRO: Lowers Inhibitions
GiphyAlthough you really should only be uninhibited around people who you absolutely trust, if that person is your partner and you’re looking to have a pretty — eh hem — active evening, alcohol can certainly help to make that happen. The science of it all is the prefrontal cortex of your brain is what regulates your inhibitions and levels of self-control. Meanwhile, alcohol suppresses your inhibitions which can cause you to be more spontaneous and open to trying things that you might not immediately do if you were sober. And with the right individual, that can be sexually beneficial (emphasis on “right person”).
CON: Makes It Harder to Orgasm
GiphyOn the other hand, as odd as it may seem (in light of what I just said), if you have too much alcohol in your system, it could make climaxing difficult. That’s because orgasms happen, in part, due to your nervous system being stimulated — and since alcohol is technically a depressant…well, it could reduce nerve sensitivity (especially as far as your clitoris goes) for you while making it challenging for your partner to remain erect or have consistent stamina. And yeah, that sucks.
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‘Tis the season. And with that, if some wassails or hot buttered rums are in your immediate future — hey, don’t let me stop you — not even a lil’ bit.
All I’m saying is now that you know what alcoholic drinks have to offer (both ways), you can know exactly how to incorporate them into your holiday plans. Enjoy!
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