I’ve been doing this marriage life coaching thing for almost twenty years now (no joke). And if there’s one thing that not just wives ask me, husbands do as well, it’s why does it seem like sometimes orgasms for women come supernaturally while other times, it’s frustrating as hell to even get close to climaxing.
Although I did write an article for the platform a couple of years back entitled, “Why Are My Orgasms So Damn Inconsistent?” that’s more about helpful hacks that can make orgasms more predictable (in the best way possible, of course). Today, though, what we’re going to get into is ten things that literally play a role in what can have you hanging from the chandeliers on Monday and then feel like you’re a couple of steps up from watching paint dry (I mean, that might be a bit extreme but…) on Friday.
Because although our culture may have you believe that mind-blowing sex is as simple as whether your partner can hold it down or not, those of us who know better get that having orgasms regularly, especially as a woman, is a bit more complex than that.
With that being acknowledged, here are ten things to take into serious consideration if you’d like your orgasms to happen way more often than they currently do — and you can’t seem to figure out why they, well, don’t.
1. Ovulation
GiphyBack when I used to work with an organization that worked with people who dealt with porn and sex addiction, whenever someone would ask for practical tips for making wiser sex decisions, one thing that I would almost always say is, “Know when you’re ovulating. It is absolutely not a coincidence that you’re hornier when it’s easiest for you to get pregnant.”
In fact, there is data to support that you increase your chances of having (more) orgasms during that particular time of the month because it’s when estrogen levels in your system tend to increase. So, if you haven’t been keeping up with your cycle, this is a great reason to start doing so. Random horniness during particular times of the month actually ain’t as “random” as you might think, sis.
2. Moods
GiphyDid you know that, reportedly, over 20 percent of people experience some type of mood disorder in their lifetime? So, if you’ve been constantly experiencing mood swings, please don’t just assume that it’s PMS or “just the way that you are.” Hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, a poor diet, and underlying health issues are just some of the other things that could be coming into play.
Another issue that could be fighting against your orgasms? Stress. According to the American Psychological Association, 2 out of 3 Americans are stressed out, just by the current state of our country alone, and The American Institute of Stress says that 55 percent of us are stressed out during the day. When you factor in both of these facts, stress in your own life is definitely something worth pondering.
And here’s the thing: when you’re stressed out, it can take the biggest sex organ you’ve got out of the game — and that is your brain. It can also cause your cortisol (your stress hormone) levels to increase, which makes climaxing problematic too.
So, while sex can, ironically, decrease your stress levels, if you’re looking for an orgasm out of the deal, spending some time exercising, spending time soaking in the tub, or even just deep breathing before everything begins can help you to get the “icing” (orgasms); not just the “cake” (sex).
3. Lubrication
GiphyThe wetter, the better. When it comes to well, cumming, this point will always apply. Whether lubrication is natural or it comes from a bottle (or tube), it can help to make achieving the Big O easier as well. That’s because the more “lubed up” you are, the less friction and/or uncomfortable you will feel.
Hell, there are even some lubricants that profess to contain ingredients to delay ejaculation — and since it, on average, takes us about double the time it takes a man to “reach the mountaintop,” if you need more time to get there, lube (like this one here) might be just what you’ve been looking for.
4. Foreplay
GiphyThere are two different ways to process the benefits of foreplay when it comes to climaxing — physical and mental. Let’s do the physical part first. The more foreplay a woman receives (especially when it’s good foreplay), the easier it is for her body to relax, for blood circulation to flow throughout her pelvic region, for more natural lubrication to flow, and for her to feel more stimulated all the way around.
On the mental tip, a wife once said to me that when her husband takes his time during foreplay, it makes her feel sexy, thoroughly attended to, and very desired — and there’s no way that being in that headspace can’t significantly increase the chances of having one — or several — pretty amazing orgasms.
So, if your orgasms happen to very much so be hit-or-miss, take a mental note of what the foreplay has been like when you’ve been screaming and grabbing sheets vs. when you…haven’t.
5. Skipped Stages (of Orgasm)
GiphyI’m thinking that most of y’all know that orgasms happen in stages. For the most part, health experts agree that there are basically four of ‘em: desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution. Desire is what happens when you both want to have sex, and you’re experiencing foreplay. Arousal is when you’re on the brink of an orgasm. An orgasm is when you’ve hit your peak, and resolution is when your body prepares itself for (hopefully) some afterplay.
Although quickies work for some people, they don’t work for all because sometimes this means that the first initial stages are either skipped over or they are super quick. That’s why this point needed to be mentioned too because, if the long, romantic sessions always “get you there” but the bent-over-while-brushing-your-teeth moments don’t — it could be because you need more time for desire and arousal than others do (including quite possibly, your partner).
6. Your Connection with Your Partner
GiphySeveral years back, HuffPost published an article entitled, “Want More And Better Sex? Get Married And Stay Married.” It basically shared six reasons why it makes sense that married people have better sex lives than singles do. Whether you choose to side-eye that or not, I’ll share two other things for you to ponder. One, when you think back on your own sexual journey, when has sex felt the most satisfying: when it was just sex or when there was a deeper emotional connection? And two, chile, even the most promiscuous of men in my world say that sex is better when they are into a woman as opposed to just being attracted to her.
Why is all of this the case? Well, think about when you feel mentally connected, emotionally safe, and profoundly cared for by another person — doesn’t that naturally enhance intimacy on a whole ‘nother level? When we feel totally in sync with someone, that can make orgasms easier, too, because that means there are no barriers or walls.
7. Overstimulation
GiphyI once read that over 163 million adult Americans own a sex toy. I’m not personally in that number because, for better or for worse, I’ve never personally had the need for one. However, between working with the organization that I mentioned earlier and the countless couples who I’ve counseled at this point, I will say that there is something to consider if you do happen to be a huge fan of ‘em.
While on one hand, sex toys could help you to discover what will make climaxing easier, like just about everything on the planet when it’s done in excess, sex toys can work against you as well. How? They can make “old-fashioned” sex with your partner more difficult because either you have unrealistic expectations from them (as far as, for example, how quickly you expect them to bring you to orgasm) or they can overstimulate you to the point where cumming with them is a challenge, period.
Probably the best way to look at this is sex toys and make-up have something in common — they are supposed to enhance your sex life, not change it altogether to where you barely recognize the “original version” of things. Yeah, if you’re out here peeved because a penis doesn’t work just like a Rose toy or a Rabbit, it’s time to “get back to the middle” on matters because, newsflash: penises never were supposed to.
8. Unrealistic Expectations
GiphySpeaking of unrealistic expectations…do you have any? Thinking that your partner should read your mind is an unrealistic expectation. Expecting every orgasm, every time, to have the same level of length or intensity is an unrealistic expectation. Comparing your sex life to your friends and their stories is an unrealistic expectation. Wanting your partner to be just like your ex (how would you feel if he expected that out of you, by the way?) is an unrealistic expectation. Thinking that sex won’t somewhat change over time or have ebbs and flows is an unrealistic expectation. Requiring less than what you give (both in and out of the bedroom, actually) is an unrealistic expectation.
Can sex be absolutely amazing? 1000 percent. I’ll go so far as to even say that it should be. At the same time, though, humans are human. They aren’t robotic. They aren’t always consistent. They damn sure aren’t perfect. Again, the biggest sex organ is your brain, so if you’re out here mentally expecting your partner to be a fantasy that you randomly conjured up in your mind, you could be setting yourself up for some serious disappointment — and it’s hard to cum when you’re in that state of mind.
9. Faking
GiphyIn 2019, I penned an article for the platform entitled “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP.” Then in 2021, I wrote the piece, “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not.” The topic needed to be broached because the reality is a lot of people are faking it out here (men included), and while folks have their reasons, personally, I am absolutely NOT a fan.
Chalk it up to the Gemini in me if you want; I just don’t get how being fake (a word that literally means things like deceptive and fraudulent) in the bedroom is ultimately benefiting anyone. In fact, most of the clients that I have who’ve admitted to doing it say that they only end up resenting their partner for thinking that they are doing a good job (i.e., “completing the mission”) when they actually aren’t. Yet if you’re lying to them, is that their fault or…yours?
If you’re someone who fakes because, say, you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, although I get that, it’s still pretty counterproductive, especially if you’ve got a guy who sometimes makes you cum on a fluke (which can really make when it’s real vs. when it’s fake pretty confusing for him). If you’re not sure how to “get more honest” without it all blowing up in your face (“it” being the fact that you’ve been faking it all of this time), try and incorporate some more dirty talk into the dynamic. Listen, men don’t typically mind taking clear instructions in the bedroom…so long as they’re delivered in a “dirty” kind of way. #wink
10. Fatigue
GiphyWith reportedly 40 percent of us falling asleep during the day at least once a month and between 50-70 million Americans having sleep disorders, it makes complete and total sense that fatigue could play a role in, not just how strong your libido is (or isn’t) but if you’re having orgasms too. Believe it or not, there are studies that reveal that a lack of quality rest can take a direct toll on women as far as sexual arousal goes, not to mention the fact that our genitalia responds better to sexual stimulation once we’ve received some much-needed zzz’s.
So, if you know that you’re not consistently getting between 6-8 hours of sleep, don’t put more pressure on your partner to perform better. Chances are, your sexual responses are all over the place due to lack of sleep…not good lovin’.
By the way, “These 12 Tips Will Improve Your Sleep Patterns. And Your Sex Life.” can totally help you out in this department — if you need it. And who doesn’t need more orgasms, chile?
Like…c’mon now. Take a nap. GET. IT. ON.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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