How Can You Know For Sure That You've Had An Orgasm?
Yes, yes. Orgasms. Before we get semi-surface-level-knee-deep into this thing, let me just say that, if there are two times in life when the same response is probably annoying as hell to the people who personally can't relate, it would have to be when it comes to being in loveand having an orgasm. And what reply am I referring to specifically? It's when someone asks, "So, how do you know when it's actually happened?" and those who've been through it, pause, reflect, exhale and then say, "Girl, you just…know."
On the climax tip, I get that, if you've never truly been to the mountaintop before, hearing that answer isn't really offering up much help (although there is a ton of truth in that statement). And so, whether you've never had sex before and you're curious (if that's you, please check out "Here's How Your First Time Having Sex Can Still Affect You") or you've had a fair share of sexual experiences but things are still unclear as far as whether you've had as much fun as everyone else, I'm gonna try and break down how you can know that you've had an orgasm before. Get your glass of wine and sit back.
So, Really—What Is an Orgasm?
I'm not really sure how I can truly be "'bout it" when it comes to this kind of topic without divulging some of my own past sexual journey. When it came to my first healthy orgasm (I was sexually molested as a child and teenager, which is why I phrase it that way; we'll have to dive into the layers of that another time), I was in college—and it was with myself. My first boyfriend also came into my life my freshman year. He was younger than I was (I didn't know that until we got arrested together for his cousin having a gun in my car; also another story for another time), so neither one of us really knew what we were doing. We continued to talk off and on throughout the years and, honestly, looking back, I think a part of what kept us holding on, is we both wanted a sexual do-over. He ain't ugly (by any stretch) and neither am I. Sometimes, you just…wonder.
Anyway, it wasn't until a professor in college said, "How can you get a man to please you when you don't even know how to please yourself?" (he was saying this to a table of college freshman which is kinda creepy in hindsight) that I said, "Yeah…" and entered into the world of masturbation (another topic that I'll have to share my personal take on at another time). And when I compared that to the intercourse I was experiencing with my boyfriend, yes—I definitely knew when I had my first orgasm and he definitely wasn't in the picture. I then started experiencing orgasms via oral sex with my second sexual partner and lawd—talk about cuing in Peobo Bryson and Regina Belle's "A Whole New World" (with a DeVante Swing remix to it)! Ever since my early college years and experiencing sexual instances when I truly felt like my body was gonna explode, I know, without question, that I've had an orgasm before. At this point in my life, many times over too.
And What Exactly Does an Orgasm Feel Like?
I think the best way to describe it, without it looking like a science paper, is to say that an orgasm is the pinnacle of sexual tension that comes as the result of rhythmic contractions that occur within your uterus, pelvic floor and vagina—all at the same time.
It typically transpires in three phases:
Excitement: Which is when you're aroused (typically during foreplay) and then blood starts to rush to your genital region. It's also when there is an increase of testosterone, dopamine and serotonin in your system which makes you feel warm and stimulated.
Plateau: This is when sexual tension builds, right up to the point where you feel a mixture of thinking you might have to pee (that's the best way to describe it, I think) and you having very little control over yourself. When you hear people on movies doing all of the yelling 'n stuff? It's usually right at this point.
Orgasm: This is when the contractions come. They aren't painful (like when a woman is giving birth). They feel really good—and a bit overwhelming. The warmth that you started to feel during the excitement phase then spreads all throughout your body, a huge release transpires and you finally are able to catch your breath and start to resume a regular breathing pattern. As far as how long orgasms last, the average is somewhere between 18-51 seconds a piece (I say, "a piece" because some people can have multiple orgasms).
OK, so now that you know what an orgasm is, let me just briefly go (back) over what some of the signs are that you've had one:
- Increased heart rate and breathing
- Warm feelings, starting in your genital region
- Multiple vaginal contractions
- Hyper-sensitivity immediately following (especially in your vaginal region)
- An immediate feeling of calm and serenity after
There Are Multiple Kinds of Orgasms. Vaginal Being the Most Challenging.
Now that you know what an orgasm is from a technical standpoint, it's important that I reiterate that orgasms don't only happen via intercourse. I've already shared that my first ones came from masturbation and receiving oral sex. The two things that both of these acts have in common is the focus is put on stimulating my clitoris (including my clitoral hood).
The clitoris is amazing because there is no scientific reason for why it exists other than sexual stimulation. So, the chances of you having an orgasm increase, astronomically so, if the focus is put onto your clitoris, along with your erogenous zones. In fact, this is why a lot of medical and sex experts believe that there are (at least) 11 different types of orgasms a woman can have including a clitoral, anal, nipple, blended and vaginal one.
So, the first thing to keep in mind—and it truly can't be stated enough—is it's important to know the difference between an orgasm and a vaginal orgasm. If you've experienced many of the things that I've described, then there's still a good chance that you've had one before. However, it's the vaginal one that can give women a bit of trouble; around 70 percent of women, to be exact.
Why is that? A lot of medical and sex experts believe that, physically, it may be tied into the fact that the closer a woman's clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for her to experience a vaginal orgasm. That makes sense if you think about the fact that it's our clit, not our vagina, that stimulates us the most. So basically, this means that probably the main reason why a lot of women don't have vaginal orgasms is due to how their body is naturally designed (if their clitoris is able to be directly stimulated during intercourse)—not because anything is necessarily "wrong" with them.
Yet what if you're one of those kinds of people who doesn't like being told "no", in any area and so, you're simply not content with accepting that maybe you should shift your focus on having orgasms period and not just a vaginal one? In walks my final point for today.
What Can You Do to Increase Your Chances of Experiencing a Vaginal Orgasm?
I write about orgasms a lot. That's how much I dig 'em (check out "What Is A Super Orgasm & How Can I Have One?", "Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream", "10 Weird & Random Things That Can Prevent An Orgasm"). I really do think that striving for an orgasm period, should be the greater goal, but if you want to give having a vaginal orgasm a more intentional shot, here are five things that you can do.
Try some orgasmic meditation. Stress is the enemy of, just about everything. And the reality is that one of the main reasons why a lot of us have a hard time climaxing is because we have a really difficult time relaxing. If you can relate, something that can help is something that is known as orgasmic meditation. In short, it's when you and your partner practice a form of "mindful touching". You get quiet, you deep breathe and he intentionally focuses on stroking your clitoris as a form of an erotic build-up. Think of it as meditative edging. It's erotic AF while also extremely calming at the same time. You can read more about it by checking out "What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?".
Bring more foreplay into the mix. On average, men can climax within five minutes while it takes us somewhere between 15-20. A lot of that time has very little to do with the orgasm itself; it's all about getting to the excitement part that we talked about earlier. What helps that to happen is foreplay. One of the reasons why I wrote the articles, "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.", "8 Men & 8 Women Told Me What They Wish Their Partner Would STOP Doing In Bed" and even "Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?" is because, if there's one thing that all of those posts have in common, it's driving home the point of how important communication is.
Real talk, a lot of people aren't "sexually incompatible", so much as they are not being truly open and honest about their sexual wants and needs. Trust me, if the foreplay is on point, it is so much easier to have an orgasm—any kind but especially a vaginal one.
Get into the right/best positions. All sexual positions serve a purpose, but certain ones can accomplish certain goals quicker than others. When it comes to trying to have a vaginal orgasm, some of the positions that can help you to best achieve your goal include the reverse cowgirl (it's a great way for your partner's penis to stimulate your clitoris during penetration); being on your side (he can rub your clitoris during penetration); what I call the "cat position" (it's just like doggy style but you're on your stomach rather than on your knees; deeper penetration can happen that way); the chest bump (which is when you're in the missionary position but your arch your back while being thrusted; it angles your clitoris to touch his shaft) and, when your legs are over his shoulders (again…deeper penetration).
Have an emotional connection. If you go to your favorite search engine and you put "married sex is best" in the search field, you'll see quite a few links to articles on why sex is best when you're in a long-term and fully committed relationship. A big part of why is because you can fully trust your partner with your desires, your fantasies, your vulnerabilities, what has worked (and has not) worked in the past. Listen, you can have good mechanical sex with a whole lot of people. But even the most sexually active (or sexually cynical) person will vouch for the fact that when there's an emotional connection with the person you're "engaging with", sex really doesn't get much better than that—physically or otherwise.
Don't overthink it. It's kinda crazy that so many of us overthink when, more times than not, all that really does is create problems that don't exist. When it comes to trying to have a vaginal orgasm, please never let it leave your mind that your partner enjoying you as you enjoy them should be the main focal point. If you chill out, relax and let things naturally happen (as your clitoris is getting well taken care of), you've got a far greater chance of having one than if you worry about "getting there" all of the time. Orgasms are wooooooooooonderful. Don't let anyone tell you that they're not. But you are still a sexy, beautiful, amazing woman whether you have one or you don't—vaginal or not. Keep that in mind and watch how many fireworks go off for you. Most likely when you least expect them to…too. #wink
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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'Finding Tony' Director Raven Magwood Goodson And Star Stephen Bishop On Telling Authentic Stories On Screen
In cinema, stories often serve as mirrors reflecting the complexities of our experiences. Finding Tony, the latest cinematic gem from millennial director Raven Magwood Goodson, takes us on a profound journey of trauma, redemption, and resilience. With the magnetic performance of lead actor Stephen Bishop, this film shines a light on the struggles and triumphs we face daily. Through the lens of mentorship, community, and self-discovery, Finding Tony invites audiences to journey alongside its characters as they navigate the complexities of life, love, and everything in between.
In the process, it sparks conversations, challenges assumptions, and inspires viewers to embrace their own stories with pride and authenticity. As the film prepares to make its mark on the cinematic landscape, it serves as a reminder of the importance of representation and the power of storytelling. Executive-produced by NBA star Anthony Davis, Finding Tony not only adds another layer to the tapestry of Black narratives in cinema but also reaffirms the significance of our voices in shaping the cultural conversation.
Crafting Calm in the Creative Storm
As Black women, it's crucial to carve out moments of self-care amidst the demands of our daily lives. Raven Magwood Goodson, the visionary behind Finding Tony, embodies this ethos with unwavering grace and determination. In our conversation, she shared her strategies for nurturing her well-being amidst the whirlwind of filmmaking, offering valuable insights into the importance of prioritizing self-care in pursuit of creative excellence.
"While shooting, I was all into the film. No one knew, but I was pregnant and 2-3 months along. After production, you have a long period of post-production, and we spent months editing, going back, rewatching, and adding music,” Raven explains. “During that time, I was able to prioritize myself and my family. It’s a matter of being intentional for me and knowing these are the things I have to do for the film or for other businesses I have. I'm very intentional about whether it's work or play and making sure everything gets my attention.”
Amplifying Black Narratives in Cinema
Anthony Davis (L) and Raven Magwood Goodson (R).
Courtesy
Our stories matter, serving as the heartbeat of our collective experiences. Authentic representation on screen is not just a desire but a necessity, and Finding Tony emerges as a powerful testament to the importance of reclaiming our narratives. In our dialogue with Raven, we delved into her vision for the film and its profound impact on Black stories in cinema.
"I just want to be able to be an advocate, whether it's through the actual storytelling or my own life, for individuals that look like me. I know the importance of being able to watch TV and have an example because, being a brown-skinned girl growing up, sometimes you look and you don't see those examples,” Raven says. “To have women and little girls come up to me and say how much I've motivated them and that they want to write a book or a movie because of me means the world to me.”
Authorship Amplified: Raven's Journey to Filmmaking Mastery
Black women are no strangers to wearing many hats, navigating various roles and responsibilities with unparalleled grace. Raven epitomizes this multifaceted brilliance, seamlessly transitioning from author and motivational speaker to director. In our conversation, she shared how her experiences in these diverse domains equipped her with the skills and perspective needed to lead with confidence and creativity in the realm of filmmaking.
"I get the distinct opportunity to speak to a lot of different types of people, young people, women, men, and athletes about their experiences. I got the inspiration for Finding Tony. I've met a lot of different individuals, youth, whether that's in high school or college, that had similar experiences to [the lead character] Destiny and the film,” Raven shares. “I've also spoken to a lot of mentors, and people have gone through adversity and found themselves in a Tony space as well. My experience in speaking, writing, and getting to know different audiences shaped my viewpoint to be able to write this story.”
Game Plan to Script: Stephen's Playbook for Acting Success
Stephen Bishop
Courtesy
In a world that often underestimates our abilities, the Black community continues to excel in diverse arenas. Stephen Bishop's journey from professional athlete to actor resonates deeply with our own experiences of resilience and adaptability. As a former Atlanta Braves player, Stephen talked about how his background in sports equipped him for the challenges of portraying a complex character in Finding Tony.
“In sports, you learn a lot of life lessons and can use a lot of those to help inform your characters when you're in different roles. But specifically, this role, it helped because I’ve been an athlete who's had to retire,” Stephen says.
“I am a current coach, so I know what the transition was like. I know a lot of the emotions you go through and things you battle with when you're looking at athletes that you're trying to get to level themselves up. It was a very fortunate coincidence that I happened to be an ex-professional athlete who was going to play this role. It played a big part in me being able to be as comfortable as I was in the role.”
A Role Written in the Stars: Stephen's Path to 'Finding Tony’
Raven shares that her decision to cast Stephen in the lead role of Tony was a moment of intuitive certainty, sparked by his compelling performance in Terminal List alongside Chris Pratt. Upon witnessing his talent, she knew without hesitation that he was the perfect person to capture the essence of Tony Greene. The very next day, fueled by conviction, she reached out to her casting director, passionately advocating to do whatever it took to secure Stephen for the pivotal role. This bold move speaks volumes about Raven's unwavering commitment to bringing her vision to life with authenticity and excellence.
As Stephen reflects on this pivotal moment from his perspective, he shares, "They told me about it and sent the script. [My team and I] all read it the same day, and then the next day, we all got back on the phone, and I said, ‘I really like this.’ A lot of times in my career, by the grace of God, I've played the love interest, and I've been in a couple. I've been really wanting to move into roles where I could just be a standalone character and have my storyline drive the film or the television show without it being at the whim of the relationship. And this role came along and it was not only that, but it was an opportunity for me to really show myself and others what kind of chops I really have because there's a huge emotional arc.”
L-R: Raven Magwood Goodson, Stephen Bishop, and David Banner on set of "Finding Tony."
Courtesy
As today marks the release of Finding Tony, it's not just a film hitting the screens; it's a testament to the power of determination. Shot in a mere 17 days, this cinematic gem shows the sheer dedication and grit of its creators. Director Raven Magwood Goodson, amidst her battles, led the charge with unwavering strength and grace, proving that obstacles are merely stepping stones to greatness. Through late nights and unforeseen hurdles, her unwavering vision shone bright, guiding the cast and crew through the rollercoaster ride of production.
Finding Tony reminds us that even in the face of adversity, there's beauty to be found, strength to be discovered, and purpose to be fulfilled. So, as we prepare to immerse ourselves in Tony's journey, let's raise a glass to the triumphs of creativity, resilience, and the unbreakable bonds forged in the pursuit of art.
Finding Tony - Official Trailer
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