I’ve been doing this marriage life coaching thing for almost twenty years now (no joke). And if there’s one thing that not just wives ask me, husbands do as well, it’s why does it seem like sometimes orgasms for women come supernaturally while other times, it’s frustrating as hell to even get close to climaxing.
Although I did write an article for the platform a couple of years back entitled, “Why Are My Orgasms So Damn Inconsistent?” that’s more about helpful hacks that can make orgasms more predictable (in the best way possible, of course). Today, though, what we’re going to get into is ten things that literally play a role in what can have you hanging from the chandeliers on Monday and then feel like you’re a couple of steps up from watching paint dry (I mean, that might be a bit extreme but…) on Friday.
Because although our culture may have you believe that mind-blowing sex is as simple as whether your partner can hold it down or not, those of us who know better get that having orgasms regularly, especially as a woman, is a bit more complex than that.
With that being acknowledged, here are ten things to take into serious consideration if you’d like your orgasms to happen way more often than they currently do — and you can’t seem to figure out why they, well, don’t.
1. Ovulation
GiphyBack when I used to work with an organization that worked with people who dealt with porn and sex addiction, whenever someone would ask for practical tips for making wiser sex decisions, one thing that I would almost always say is, “Know when you’re ovulating. It is absolutely not a coincidence that you’re hornier when it’s easiest for you to get pregnant.”
In fact, there is data to support that you increase your chances of having (more) orgasms during that particular time of the month because it’s when estrogen levels in your system tend to increase. So, if you haven’t been keeping up with your cycle, this is a great reason to start doing so. Random horniness during particular times of the month actually ain’t as “random” as you might think, sis.
2. Moods
GiphyDid you know that, reportedly, over 20 percent of people experience some type of mood disorder in their lifetime? So, if you’ve been constantly experiencing mood swings, please don’t just assume that it’s PMS or “just the way that you are.” Hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, a poor diet, and underlying health issues are just some of the other things that could be coming into play.
Another issue that could be fighting against your orgasms?Stress.According to the American Psychological Association, 2 out of 3 Americans are stressed out, just by the current state of our country alone, and The American Institute of Stress says that 55 percent of us are stressed out during the day. When you factor in both of these facts, stress in your own life is definitely something worth pondering.
And here’s the thing: when you’re stressed out, it can take the biggest sex organ you’ve got out of the game — and that is your brain. It can also cause your cortisol (your stress hormone) levels to increase, which makes climaxing problematic too.
So, while sex can, ironically, decrease your stress levels, if you’re looking for an orgasm out of the deal, spending some time exercising, spending time soaking in the tub, or even just deep breathing before everything begins can help you to get the “icing” (orgasms); not just the “cake” (sex).
3. Lubrication
GiphyThe wetter, the better. When it comes to well, cumming, this point will always apply. Whether lubrication is natural or it comes from a bottle (or tube), it can help to make achieving the Big O easier as well. That’s because the more “lubed up” you are, the less friction and/or uncomfortable you will feel.
Hell, there are even some lubricants that profess to contain ingredients to delay ejaculation — and since it, on average, takes us about double the time it takes a man to “reach the mountaintop,” if you need more time to get there, lube (like this one here) might be just what you’ve been looking for.
4. Foreplay
GiphyThere are two different ways to process the benefits of foreplay when it comes to climaxing — physical and mental. Let’s do the physical part first. The more foreplay a woman receives (especially when it’s good foreplay), the easier it is for her body to relax, for blood circulation to flow throughout her pelvic region, for more natural lubrication to flow, and for her to feel more stimulated all the way around.
On the mental tip, a wife once said to me that when her husband takes his time during foreplay, it makes her feel sexy, thoroughly attended to, and very desired — and there’s no way that being in that headspace can’t significantly increase the chances of having one — or several — pretty amazing orgasms.
So, if your orgasms happen to very much so be hit-or-miss, take a mental note of what the foreplay has been like when you’ve been screaming and grabbing sheets vs. when you…haven’t.
5. Skipped Stages (of Orgasm)
GiphyI’m thinking that most of y’all know that orgasms happen in stages. For the most part, health experts agree that there are basically four of ‘em: desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution. Desire is what happens when you both want to have sex, and you’re experiencing foreplay. Arousal is when you’re on the brink of an orgasm. An orgasm is when you’ve hit your peak, and resolution is when your body prepares itself for (hopefully) some afterplay.
Although quickies work for some people, they don’t work for all because sometimes this means that the first initial stages are either skipped over or they are super quick. That’s why this point needed to be mentioned too because, if the long, romantic sessions always “get you there” but the bent-over-while-brushing-your-teeth moments don’t — it could be because you need more time for desire and arousal than others do (including quite possibly, your partner).
6. Your Connection with Your Partner
GiphySeveral years back, HuffPost published an article entitled, “Want More And Better Sex? Get Married And Stay Married.” It basically shared six reasons why it makes sense that married people have better sex lives than singles do. Whether you choose to side-eye that or not, I’ll share two other things for you to ponder. One, when you think back on your own sexual journey, when has sex felt the most satisfying: when it was just sex or when there was a deeper emotional connection? And two, chile, even the most promiscuous of men in my world say that sex is better when they are into a woman as opposed to just being attracted to her.
Why is all of this the case? Well, think about when you feel mentally connected, emotionally safe, and profoundly cared for by another person — doesn’t that naturally enhance intimacy on a whole ‘nother level? When we feel totally in sync with someone, that can make orgasms easier, too, because that means there are no barriers or walls.
7. Overstimulation
GiphyI once read that over 163 million adult Americans own a sex toy. I’m not personally in that number because, for better or for worse, I’ve never personally had the need for one. However, between working with the organization that I mentioned earlier and the countless couples who I’ve counseled at this point, I will say that there is something to consider if you do happen to be a huge fan of ‘em.
While on one hand, sex toys could help you to discover what will make climaxing easier, like just about everything on the planet when it’s done in excess, sex toys can work against you as well. How? They can make “old-fashioned” sex with your partner more difficult because either you have unrealistic expectations from them (as far as, for example, how quickly you expect them to bring you to orgasm) or they can overstimulate you to the point where cumming with them is a challenge, period.
Probably the best way to look at this is sex toys and make-up have something in common — they are supposed to enhance your sex life, not change it altogether to where you barely recognize the “original version” of things. Yeah, if you’re out here peeved because a penis doesn’t work just like a Rose toy or a Rabbit, it’s time to “get back to the middle” on matters because, newsflash: penises never were supposed to.
8. Unrealistic Expectations
GiphySpeaking of unrealistic expectations…do you have any? Thinking that your partner should read your mind is an unrealistic expectation. Expecting every orgasm, every time, to have the same level of length or intensity is an unrealistic expectation. Comparing your sex life to your friends and their stories is an unrealistic expectation. Wanting your partner to be just like your ex (how would you feel if he expected that out of you, by the way?) is an unrealistic expectation. Thinking that sex won’t somewhat change over time or have ebbs and flows is an unrealistic expectation. Requiring less than what you give (both in and out of the bedroom, actually) is an unrealistic expectation.
Can sex be absolutely amazing? 1000 percent. I’ll go so far as to even say that it should be. At the same time, though, humans are human. They aren’t robotic. They aren’t always consistent. They damn sure aren’t perfect. Again, the biggest sex organ is your brain, so if you’re out here mentally expecting your partner to be a fantasy that you randomly conjured up in your mind, you could be setting yourself up for some serious disappointment — and it’s hard to cum when you’re in that state of mind.
9. Faking
GiphyIn 2019, I penned an article for the platform entitled “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP.” Then in 2021, I wrote the piece, “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not.” The topic needed to be broached because the reality is a lot of people are faking it out here (men included), and while folks have their reasons, personally, I am absolutely NOT a fan.
Chalk it up to the Gemini in me if you want; I just don’t get how being fake (a word that literally means things like deceptive and fraudulent) in the bedroom is ultimately benefiting anyone. In fact, most of the clients that I have who’ve admitted to doing it say that they only end up resenting their partner for thinking that they are doing a good job (i.e., “completing the mission”) when they actually aren’t. Yet if you’re lying to them, is that their fault or…yours?
If you’re someone who fakes because, say, you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, although I get that, it’s still pretty counterproductive, especially if you’ve got a guy who sometimes makes you cum on a fluke (which can really make when it’s real vs. when it’s fake pretty confusing for him). If you’re not sure how to “get more honest” without it all blowing up in your face (“it” being the fact that you’ve been faking it all of this time), try and incorporate some more dirty talk into the dynamic. Listen, men don’t typically mind taking clear instructions in the bedroom…so long as they’re delivered in a “dirty” kind of way. #wink
10. Fatigue
GiphyWith reportedly 40 percent of us falling asleep during the day at least once a month and between 50-70 million Americans having sleep disorders, it makes complete and total sense that fatigue could play a role in, not just how strong your libido is (or isn’t) but if you’re having orgasms too. Believe it or not, there are studies that reveal that a lack of quality rest can take a direct toll on women as far as sexual arousal goes, not to mention the fact that our genitalia responds better to sexual stimulation once we’ve received some much-needed zzz’s.
So, if you know that you’re not consistently getting between 6-8 hours of sleep, don’t put more pressure on your partner to perform better. Chances are, your sexual responses are all over the place due to lack of sleep…not good lovin’.
By the way, “These 12 Tips Will Improve Your Sleep Patterns. And Your Sex Life.” can totally help you out in this department — if you need it. And who doesn’t need more orgasms, chile?
Like…c’mon now. Take a nap. GET. IT. ON.
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These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
GiphyOkay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
Giphy1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
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Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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