What Does Effective Communication Mean Overall?

If someone were to ask me to define good sex in 10 words or less, something that I'd probably say is, "Good sex is the result of two great communicators." Yet before I get into what it means to be a good sexual communicator, how about we touch on some things that make someone a good communicator overall.

The signs of a good communicator:

• Listen thoroughly
• Think before responding to something that was said
• Are thoughtful yet direct in conveying their thoughts
• Are conscious of timing when it comes to their approach
• Takes responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and delivery
• Are tone-sensitive
• Are not afraid to ask questions in order to get clarity
• Make no assumptions or rash judgments
• Are open to other insights and perspectives
• Know that body language is essential

OK. So, now that I've shared some telling signs of whether someone is a good communicator or not (which as you can see, is a pretty tall order), first ask yourself how well you and yours are, in general, when it comes to communicating with one another. Now, let's take a moment to look at how this all translates into sexual intimacy.

Do You Clearly Convey Your Sexual Wants and Needs?

I've got dozen-times-10 reasons why I'm not a fan of faking orgasms. One of the reasons is that, if you're constantly acting like you are sexually satisfied and fulfilled, why would your partner do anything different and why should he be blamed for not doing so? The entire point of communication is to connect with someone so that both individuals can feel heard and validated. If there is one place where this is of the utmost importance, it's when it comes to copulation. So yeah, if you're an individual who is a good sexual communicator, a clear indication of that is you have no problem stating what your sexual wants and needs are.

Before going any further, let me shed a bit more light on this particular point. First, stating your needs is not about making demands. Barking orders isn't good communication; it's actually rude AF. What I mean is you're not about mincing words, constantly dropping hints, or being passive-aggressive. If you like foreplay to last longer than a couple of minutes, you say that. If doggy style is your least favorite sexual position, you are fine with bringing that up too.

My second point is there is a bit of a difference between sexual wants vs. sexual needs. A want could be to have sex in public. Your partner may never want to do that, so while that reality might slightly suck, it's probably not a real deal-breaker. On the other hand, cunnilingus may be a need because maybe it's the only way that you're able to climax. Knowing the difference between what your wants and needs are and then being able to explain them both, without hesitation or embarrassment to your partner, is definitely a sign that you are a good sexual communicator.

Do You Ask Your Partner How You Can Please Them?

If there are three times when I think a lot of women could stand to realize that they are more selfish than they probably want to accept it's 1) when it comes to only focusing on what their boo should do for them on Valentine's Day; 2) wedding planning, as if there is not a whole 'nother individual involved; and 3) taking the time to make sure that they know what their partner's wants and needs are in the bedroom rather than merely assuming that they already know. Listen, I work with a lot of couples where the wife has gotten so arrogant that she assumes that all her husband needs is for her to be naked and ready. If that's not enough for us, why should we think that is enough for the man in our life?

It can't be said enough that communicating is about making a connection and the best kind of sexual connection is when both partners are deeply engrossed in making sure that the other is pleased to the utmost. If you can't recall the last time you asked your man what he desired in order to feel sexually gratified, there is a breakdown in communication somewhere. Besides, men fake it too. If you just read that and Kanye shrugged, that's another red flag on the sexual communication tip. The communication tip overall, actually.

Do You Know the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?

Not all sex is intimate. And that really can't be said enough. I mean, dogs have sex and it's not exactly intimate; they do it because they're in heat. You can hire someone to have sex with you who you've never seen a day in your life and will never see following the moment. There's nothing intimate about that either. Intimacy is about having a warm and personal relationship with someone. Intimacy is about mutual trust being established. Intimacy is about two people who care for each other on a very real and profound level. Intimacy is about reciprocity and a form of interdependence. Intimacy is about knowing someone while you feel known by them. A good sexual communicator is just as interested in cultivating intimacy as they are in sexual pleasure.

Different people have different opinions (and convictions) on what this kind of intimacy should consist of. Some would say marriage. Others would say a long-term relationship. Others would say a mutual understanding of some sort. Some don't think intimacy is necessary at all. What I will say about all of this is 1) not too many people, male or female, would disagree with the perspective that sex is better when intimacy is involved and 2) just make sure that you know the difference between sex and intimacy before having sex. Many people have had all kinds of things lost in translation because they assumed that since they had sex with someone, some sort of intimacy took place. Yes, oxytocin (a hormone that physically bonds two people) was triggered. However, as far as a mental and emotional bond goes—don't be so sure. You can only be confident if it was…communicated.

Do You Understand That Men and Women Are Different? By Design?

Genesis 1:26-28 tells us that God made us male and female. God made us that way. A female child is born with XX chromosomes and a male one comes with XY. Women have more estrogen. Men have more testosterone. Women have vaginas. Men have penises. Lord knows that I could go on and on but where I am ultimately going with this is men and women are different—by design. Whew, I can't tell you how many times that I have sat in a counseling session and looked at a wife and was like, "Did you just want to marry yourself but with a penis?" There are so many "issues" in male/female relationships that wouldn't have to be that way if both genders simply accepted that they are not meant to be twins; that the differences are supposed to bring about a balance.

A good example is the fact that a lot of men typically have a high sex drive. It's not because they are "sex freaks"; a big part of it is because of all of the testosterone in their system. Sometimes what I share with wives in sessions is it's interesting that many women want men to be the providers in relationships and yet, once their man initiates sex often, all of a sudden there's a problem. Your man providing you with sex—hopefully good sex—means that he's providing you with sperm/semen. If you check out "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm", you'll be able to see how that can be a real blessing in an abundant of ways, chile. So yeah, another point that can't be overlooked when it comes to being a good sexual communicator is the fact that you bring some specific things to the table as a woman and your partner does the same—only, as a man. Some things aren't going to be alike. And that's OK. That's how it's supposed to be.

How Are You with Non-Verbal Sexual Communication?

Author Peter Drucker once said, "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." There are many things that comprise of sex being totally off the chain. One of them is being able to decipher non-verbal communication. Can you tell when your partner is horny? Do you know their erogenous zones without them spelling it out for you? During sex, are you able to tell what's working and what isn't? Something that I've asked many men before is if they're sure they know the difference between a genuine and a fake orgasm (because if a man is really paying attention, he should be able to tell). 

By the same token, can you tell when your partner is fully into it or simply pacifying you? While being able to speak openly and honestly about sex is good, right, and healthy, you also need to be able to pick up on non-verbal sex cues because, just like 80 percent of all communication is non-verbal, at the end of the day, a whole lot of good sexual communication is non-verbal too.

Are You Comfortable with Initiating Sexual Conversations?

A couple of years ago, I wrote "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." for this platform. Once you're done reading this, I would encourage you to check it out and to also shoot it over to your partner. Remember how at the top of this piece, I shared that good communication consists of timing and asking questions in order to gain clarity? Something else that good sexual communicators are able to do is figure out when the most ideal moment is to talk about all of this (usually it's NOT during sex; that can make your partner uncomfortable or self-conscious) and then to ask questions to get the insight that is necessary. Not only being intentional about having sexual conversations as a way to convey that your sex life is a priority to you, it can also cause both of you to feel safer and more at ease.

Sometimes, couples will tell me that their sex life sucks. Then, after having a conversation like this, they realize that the act isn't the problem—lack of communication is. If your boudoir is not as stellar as you would like right through here, perhaps you are in the same boat. Communicate with your partner. Let them do the same. It might be a very simple way to get (back) to climbing the walls, sis. For real, for real.

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