If you’ve checked out my byline here, even for a little while, you have probably caught on to the fact that I thoroughly enjoy researching random information (I get it from my daddy). For instance, I can’t explain what exactly prompted the search but, not too long ago, I was curious about what place is currently considered to be the sexiest in the world. It’s actually one of my favorite cities — London (NY and LA are in the top 10). That got me to looking up some of the sexiest hotels in the world as well (some ones in general are here and here; some cool Black-owned joints are here). And that got me to wondering about currently popular sexual trends — you know, stuff that is super popular in the realm of all things sexual activity right now.
Let’s just say that when it comes to 2023, they pretty much run the gamut. Anyway, if you have a natural curiosity for random intel like I do, here are 12 sex-related things that could make coitus even better in your neck of the woods.
1. Sex Outside of the BedroomGiphy
Recently, while in a session with some married clients, a wife helped to prove a point that I’ve been making, on repeat, for a few years now — a lot of people are leaving their marriage, not due to abuse or cheating but sheer boredom. Because as shallow as that sounds, when things become tedious, they can almost start to feel almost like torture. Sex is not exempt here either.
That said, let’s not act like the reason why most of us prefer to have sex in a bed is because, when the bed/mattress is hella comfortable, it makes getting into (and out of) positions so much easier; plus, falling asleep right after is super convenient in that spot. However, if you want to spice things up, getting out of the bed can be a wise move.
Some current favorite spots (according to what I’ve read and some folks that I’ve interviewed have shared):
- Dryers (when it’s on)
- Kitchen Counters
- Walk-In Closets
- Work Offices (when no one’s there)
- Tents in Backyards
- Hotel Balconies
- Fitting Rooms
At the very least, this should get your imagination going. So, whatcha gonna try?
2. All-Natural AphrodisiacsGiphy
It’s kind of wild that, even though aphrodisiacs have been around since FOR-E-VER, probably until the end of time, folks will debate on if they are actually “real” (as far as their effectiveness goes) or not. Personally, I think that if supplements (which we’ll get into later) can help to give your libido a boost, foods that contain said supplements will probably do the same.
Anyway, something that keeps coming up in sex-related content these days is all-natural aphrodisiacs. Food-wise, I penned a couple of articles for the platform a while back (check out “Eat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacs” and “10 In-Season Fall Foods That Are Incredible Aphrodisiacs”). Scent-wise, read “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last” for a variety of essential oils that can help to take things to another level (especially if you apply them to the right pressure points) too.
3. ASMR Sound EffectsGiphy
For years (and years…and then some more years), I’ve slept in silence and slept just fine. Yet over the past several years, I’ve gone to bed to the sound of rain (YouTube has a ton of channels that will play it for hours on end; just put “rain sounds for sleeping” in the search field) and it has taken my quality of sleep to a whole ‘nother level! From what I’ve read and researched sounds like rain, ocean waves, and even a blowing fan can help you to rest better and more; that’s because certain ASMR sounds activate the part of the brain that releases dopamine and oxytocin — both of which help you to feel calm and more relaxed.
On the sex tip, you might want to crank up some ASMR sounds too because it also helps to decrease your stress levels. Not only that but when your hearing is stimulated in this fashion, it can actually intensify your other senses (sight, taste, smell, and touch).
I mean, a lot of y’all went wild over H.E.R’s song “Damage” and whether you realized it or not, it’s, in part, because she referenced the sexy ass classic “Making Love in the Rain” by Herb Alpert ft. Lisa Keith and Janet Jackson. And doesn’t it now make even more sense that those kinds of songs make sex even better?
Hell, don’t wait for a rainy day. Put on a YouTube video. Do it ASAP too — the sounds and the sex, if you can.
4. Remote-Controlled VibratorsGiphy
Since it’s been reported that somewhere around 14 million individuals are in a long-distance relationship, there’s no way that we could talk about sex trends without addressing one that’s growing in popularity among couples who don’t get to see each other as much as they would probably like.
One of them is remote-controlled vibrators. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically a vibrator that can be controlled by someone else. Although the possibilities are clearly — eh hem — endless with this, just make sure to keep in mind that you typically need a strong Wi-Fi signal. Also, you should read as much fine print on the product you’re considering because sometimes there are data and privacy issues.
Don’t let that last point freak you out too much, though. Honestly, these kinds of vibrators have been around for a long while now. Personally, I think the pandemic has brought them back into the sex spotlight. Anyway, Allure (here) and Self (here) did you a solid by providing a list of some of the best ones around. At least do a lil’ bit of window shopping, if you can.
5. Multi-Purpose LubeGiphy
There used to be a time when people thought that lubrication was pretty much for women who couldn’t get “wet enough.” These days, as folks are getting more creative when it comes to sex, they know that wetter truly is better. That’s why I wrote articles like “If You've Always Wanted A 'Lubricant Cheat Sheet,' Here Ya Go” and “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant” for the site.
So, when you get a chance, check those out and then determine in your mind that you will invest in a couple of bottles of lube (if you haven’t already). If you’re not sure which brands to go with, a good (no pun intended) entry brand is Astroglide because it’s water-based (which means it will feel natural and won’t compromise condom use or damage your bedding), it’s super affordable and you can find it in just about any drugstore around.
Just for the record, if you like to engage in activities like shower sex (check out “So, This Is How To Make Shower Sex So Much Better”), go with a silicone-based lubricant like Wet Platinum. A water-based lube while you’re in water is not gonna do you much good. Stuff is a lot more slippery with silicone in there.
6. At-Home STI/STD TestingGiphy
While I’m over here irritated that so much data supports the fact that ONLY one-third of men use condoms (eye roll), I think that’s why I’m never shocked whenever I see that STI/STDs continue to increase with every passing year (SMDH).
This is why, if you are sexually active, you need to get tested annually (no exceptions). And if you happen to have multiple sex partners, this needs to go from every 12 months to every 3-6 months (no joke).
And what if you “don’t have time”? Yeah, that won’t fly because, these days, you can get tested from the comfort and convenience of your own home (you can read about a list of some of the best that are currently out on the market here). Even though a lot of at-home tests aren’t exactly the cheapest things in the world, nothing is more valuable than your health, so…budget for them. It’s worth it.
If you just read this heading and thought it was a typo, I get it. When I first read about it, so did I. Basically, menstrubation is period sex — only with yourself: menstrual masturbation. And why would someone want to do that? Well, the reality is that it’s not so much the sex (or touching) itself that helps bring menstrual pain-related relief but the orgasms that can come from it.
According to science, when we climax, it causes a burst of endorphins that can ease uterine discomfort. Some say that it can even be just as, if not more, effective than ibuprofen. The more you know, chile. The more you know.
8. (Black) Sex InfluencersGiphy
Currently, I’m getting certified to go another level in my life coaching work. One of the classes that I tiptoe in sometimes explores all things sensuality. While one of the other students and I were discussing the class (well, actually the instructor), we both talked about how surprising it was to learn that something as simple as breathing deeply can totally change how you feel about your looks, your sexuality and how you cope with stress.
That’s a big part of the reason why I personally think that, no matter how conservative or totally-out-of-the-box you might be about sex, being open to listening to a sex educator or influencer could prove to be beneficial on some level — and when it comes to our particular platform (and who it serves), particularly if they’re Black. Because if there’s one thing that the majority of us participate in, in some way, it’s sex. So, the more insights, perspectives, and tips that we’re given in this area, the more the experiences, overall, are able to potentially improve — and who doesn’t want that?
If you’re interested in checking out some sex influencers, last year, BuzzFeed published an article entitled “These 22 Black Sex Educators Are Changing The Way We Think And Talk About Sex” that can serve as a cool starting point.
9. Eco-Friendly Sex ToysGiphy
It’s pretty much irrefutable that sex toys continue to grow in popularity. In fact, one more report says that by 2026, it will gross close to $55 billion bucks. So, if those are totally your thing and you want to be on-trend, make sure that you go with ones that are good for the environment. This would basically mean sex toys that are made from an ethical standpoint and with vegan ingredients. One company that carries those is The Natural Love Company.
Everyone here’s grown and can do whatever they want. However, while we’re on this topic, I just want to say that I was chatting it up with a friend of mine who said that one of his female friends told him that she had to basically go into detox over one of her vibrators. Why? Basically, because it caused her to orgasm so quickly and consistently that she found herself getting mad at her actual partner.
Yeah, that’s how “too much of a good thing” can turn around and bite you in the ass (no pun intended). While using sex toys to enhance intimacy is one thing, if it’s causing you to have a disconnect from actual human connection, think twice about adding more to your collection.
10. Libido-Inducing SupplementsGiphy
A lot of us don’t eat as healthy (or consistently healthy) as we should. That’s just a fact of life. Thankfully, there are things like supplements that can help our systems to get the vitamins and minerals that we’re not receiving from our diet alone.
For whatever the reason, this year, supplements that can help to increase your sex drive are all the rage. Ones that top the list include:
Fenugreek: it increases testosterone levels in both men and women
Maca root: it helps to improve symptoms that are related to erectile dysfunction in men
L-arginine: it expands blood vessels which can give men harder and longer erections and intensify orgasms for women
Vitamin D: it can decrease vaginal dryness; especially in menopausal women
Saffron: it can improve your sex drive if you happen to be on an antidepressant
Magnesium: it can put you in a better mood, so that you can enjoy sex more
Zinc: studies show that a lack of it can result in lower testosterone levels
Those are just for starters yet have enough data to back them to give them a try. Just make sure that if you’re currently on a prescribed medication that you run adding a supplement into your diet by your doctor and that you follow the instructions on the label when it comes to taking them. Supplements can be pretty potent, sometimes not in a good way, if you’re not careful.
11. Emotional IntimacyGiphy
I live in Nashville (shout-out to Music City!) and so, I’ve been making it a point to try and entertain — although on some levels, it feels more like tolerate — the current season of Married At First Sight. Airris? Yeah…AIRRIS. I actually know some people who know him and they’ve been able to give me some insight on why it seems like he only has two channels: arrogance and horniness (and Twitter’s been letting him have it for it too).
Anyway, I didn’t even need to know the late bloomer scoop to catch that he hasn’t even begun to know how great sex can actually be because not only (according to him) has he never been in love before, he seems to not establish the greatest emotional connections with his sex partners either.
I hate that for him because, even the guys I know personally who are, let’s just say, quite active in these streets, they will vouch for the fact that sex is so much more fulfilling when it’s with someone you are emotionally connected to. And just for the record, let me run down seven signs that an emotional connection — mutually so — actually exists between two people:
- A strong chemistry is mutually there
- You know each other beyond the surface level
- You are open to meeting each other’s needs (not just in the bedroom either)
- There’s some sort of friendship established
- You enjoy each other’s company (even outside of sex)
- You’re consistently curious about each other
- Reciprocity is present
With articles and videos touching on the fact that hookup culture is getting really old (even I once wrote about how I’m not a fan of casual sex based on what “casual” actually and literally means; you can read it here), perhaps we’re seeing a turning of the tide. Maybe we’re remembering that sex is fun yet it can also be something special that transpires between two people. Hmm…just maybe.
12. Sexual MindfulnessGiphy
Last one. In the holistic wellness space, a word that comes up pretty consistently is “mindfulness.” The simplest way to define what it means to be mindful is you’re intentional about doing whatever is necessary to stay in the moment, be self-aware, and stay almost hyper-conscious of what’s around you.
If you really let all of this sink in, it makes perfect sense that sexual mindfulness would be quite effective and beneficial when it comes to sex because, the more in tune you are with your own body, your partner, and the space that’s around you, all without overly concerning yourself about time, that can make for a much more intense and satisfying sexual experience.
So, how can you do things that will make you more sexually mindful? When it comes to yourself, sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) and vaginal mapping (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”) are great starting points. When it comes to amplifying sexual mindfulness with your partner, orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”) is a powerful way to go.
Whatever you choose, try and slow down, get still and really take each other in without any electronics around. Being fully “in” with your partner can tap you into an energy field that will take sex to a whole ‘nother level. Yeah…out of all of the sex trends for this year, this might be the best one. #wink
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (email@example.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley Is In Her Element
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Better Off Braless: The Benefits Of Not Wearing A Bra More Often
Somewhere between the start of the pandemic and entering the late stages of my 20s, bras become less and less of a priority.
Within that span of time, I, like most of the world, spent my days inhabiting my small bubble, staying in the house with loose-fitting loungewear, and being on Zoom calls that only required me to be presentable from the neck up. So as the demand to have my breasts at their perkiest form, so did my commitment to wearing bras.
The relationship that most women have with their bras is… well, complicated. While society has led us to believe that they’re required for us to be deemed as “ladylike” and “neat,” many of us find the garment to be a bothersome (and optional) accessory at best.
From underwires that poke and dig at our sides to push-ups that spill over, the argument in support of bras has begun to wane over the last few decades, with women of all cup sizes asking themselves if it’s better to just go braless.
Courtesy of Harper Wilde
“Many years ago, I ditched wired bras and opted for going braless out of a desire for freedom and celebrating natural human form,” multi-hyphenate Alyson Stoner tells xoNecole. The movement activist best known for their fly dance moves with the likes of Missy Elliott and on Step Up 2: The Streets, shares that when it comes to their bra selection, comfort is key. “As someone who enjoys moving their body, I found that I do want an underlayer that provides some support without interfering with comfort and mobility.”
A source of concern when choosing to go braless is whether or not the lack of support from a bra will, in turn, affect the firmness of one’s breast, resulting in early sagging. However, Sabrina Sahni, M.D., an oncologist at Mayo Clinic in Florida, shares that breast sagging is a result of age, not whether you’ve ditched your bras.
“Sagging breasts – also called ptosis – generally occurs due to chronic aging,” she tells xoNecole. “The breast is made up of a combination of glandular and fibrous tissue and fat tissue. Over time, the glandular tissue may become replaced with fattier tissue, and that can lead to more sagging. Wearing a bra or not wearing a bra ultimately does not change that.”
"Wearing a bra or not wearing a bra ultimately does not change that."
Women with heavier breasts may find that going braless may have its set of drawbacks, but Dr. Sahni says that you should always pay attention to your comfort levels since bras are a garment designed to support your back and correct your posture. “Those with heavier or larger breasts who choose to go braless may actually have worsening back/neck/shoulder pain,” she says. “Wearing a bra may allow them to correct their posture and help alleviate tension on those muscle groups.”
“Women with larger breasts may benefit from wearing a well-fitted, supportive bra as it may alleviate things like upper back pain or neck pain,” she shares.
Listening to your body is key when choosing whether you want to toss out your bras forever or just for a day. The beauty in a woman’s body is that it will tell us what we need to know before we even have to ask. There are common misconceptions about tighter bras being linked to causing health issues like breast cancer.
And while studies do show that Black women are “twice as likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer early when compared with Caucasian women,” the manifestation of this disease is predetermined by other varying factors.
“There are a lot of myths out there about going braless being better for breast cancer risk. It is completely false,” Dr. Sahni explains. “Whether or not you wear a bra does not have any bearing on your overall breast cancer risk. Ultimately, your risk is dependent on a variety of factors, including family history, your breast density, your lifestyle, and your reproductive history.”
If you’re looking for classic, weightless comfort that’s close to going braless, Alyson Stoner recommends Harper Wilde, a body-inclusive intimates brand on a mission to create a more comfortable world for womankind. They currently have a capsule collection with the intimates brand in partnership with their company, Movement Genius.
“Harper Wilde has been my go-to for years now because the materials are truly soothing on my sensitive skin, the amount of support feels like you're being gently hugged (not squeezed), and the styles are flattering and beautiful enough to wear as shirts or visible layers,” they say.
Courtesy of Harper Wilde
The brand offers super soft, breathable cotton fabric in their Triangle and Scoop Bralettes ($40 each) that will put the bliss and comfort back in your bosom.
Dr. Sahni says that choosing to opt out of bras or keep them close to your chest “truly depends on the individual” but it should be understood that “wearing or not wearing a bra won't significantly impact your overall health.”
“Ultimately, it comes down to comfort. There are some women with chronic breast pain where perhaps changing their bras to something more supportive and well-fitted may help,” she says. “Alternatively, some women find that going bra-less will alleviate their breast pain. I tell women that they should choose a bra that is comfortable for them, feels supportive, and one that they can wear regularly.”
So whether you choose to free the tatas or wear a bra that feels like it’s barely there, remember to listen to your body because ultimately, the choice is yours.
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