This TikToker Makes Relatable Content For Women Who Consider Themselves Late Bloomers
Krystal is tired of people telling her why she’s single. “People have shitty advice for late bloomers,” the 23-year-old tells xoNecole. “'There’s something you’re doing wrong’ or ‘how can you change yourself,’” she says are just some of the things she has been told when she confesses to being delayed romantically.
On her TikTok, Krystal has built a modest following not only from videos of her singing and sharing her music but from talking about her life as a self-described late bloomer. “A late bloomer can be defined as someone who starts dating later than the average age of dating,” she says in response to someone asking her what exactly a late bloomer is.
@its_kkryss Sorry if I’ve been sounding emo lately im not emo but I have a lot more time to process things/enjoy talking about real shit on here #blackgirl #latebloomer #dating #datingculture #hookupculture #blackwomen #rant #letmetalk #fyp
In recent years, the discussions surrounding romantic loneliness have put men squarely at the center of the topic. It was on one of my many TikTok rabbit holes a few years ago, however, when I stumbled across a community of Black women who, like Krystal, express their frustrations with having to find love and romance later in life.
“I think there's a part of me that feels like what I desire is unrealistic as I get older,” says another young Black woman who wanted to remain anonymous that xoNecole spoke to. Unlike other late bloomers, this young woman has been in a relationship, including one that ended only eight months ago, but she says she felt unfulfilled in part because of feeling pressured by societal standards to get into a relationship. “Though I identify as a Black feminist, embarrassingly I still fell tragedy to the pressures around age and relationships for women,” she says.
Krystal has made several attempts at putting herself out there including going on dating apps which she says has only made her uncomfortable. “People are kind of like bolder [on dating apps],” she says. “In real life, when I’m out and about, those kinds of people would not be walking up to me.”
Talking with her friends hasn’t helped either Krystal confesses. “I made a TikTok last year about how hard it is opening up to your non-late bloomer friends about being a late bloomer,” she says. “Some of my friends have no issue getting a date at all and they just insist I give attention to any guy at all.” This has also included friends attempting to set her up on dates with men she has no interest in or trying to pass off men they have rejected. “The guys that they turn down [weren’t] up to their standards but because I don’t get any attention, I should give them attention?” Krystal asks.
A few people have also suggested she move from the predominately white city she lives in to a Blacker city like Atlanta. “Financially I can’t do that, but also that depresses me because there’s tons of people who don’t need to move to find love.”
Krystal says that through posting videos online she has been able to connect with other Black women who are late bloomers. “My followers are really random people,” she says. “I think a lot of people find my late bloomer TikToks on the for you page.” She continues, “And so it's just people telling their own personal stories and that's really empowering. I've had people say like, I'm so grateful I found this video because now I can meet other people who are going through this. I had no idea.”
In recent months, Krystal says she’s felt less sad about being a late bloomer in part because of her self-love journey, which she acknowledges can also come off as patronizing advice to other late bloomers. “When you’re not getting this attention, you start to think that there’s something wrong with you, but knowing that there’s nothing wrong with you.”
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Feature image by @its_kkryss/ Instagram
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images