So, if you’re wondering why this article features a lead photo of a lotus flower, it’s because it’s actually one of the many symbols for a vagina. The backstory is two of the many things that a lotus represents are creation and rebirth — and so since we’re going to dive into what it means to have more of an emotional connection with your own vagina, I thought this visual would complement the mission perfectly.
But first — when you think of an emotional connection, what immediately comes to your mind? If it’s something along the lines of a bond between you and someone (or something) else, that’s a great mindset to have as you go through this particular piece. Because while it might not be a topic that is explored often, the more of a conscious (emotional) bond (connection) that you intentionally choose to cultivate between you and your vagina (and vulva) — the wiser decisions you will make concerning “her,” the more care you will put into nurturing her and meeting her specific needs, and the healthier she will be long-term.
So, are you ready to learn ten effective ways that can help you create this kind of relationship with your own lotus flower? Please read on and see.
1. Learn/Unlearn/Relearn About Your Vagina
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There’s a line from a Walt Whitman quote that I basically apply to virtually every area of my life: “Re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul.” When it comes to your vagina, think about what you were told in school, by your parents, on television, via your friends — how did those things shape how you see your vagina now? If there are areas where you have a negative perspective or even places where you’re drawing a blank, the beauty of being an adult is you don’t have to be at the mercy of other people’s insights and opinions (now).
So, take some time to learn new things about your vagina, to replace some teachings that were ridiculous at best, or freshen up on some things that you’ve forgotten. You know, a part of the reason why I write on the vagina a lot on this platform is for these very reasons — because it’s hard to love what you don’t know and understand. Right?
(By the way, you can read up on some articles on the topic via our platform right here.)
2. Create Mantras for Your Vagina
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Basically, a mantra is something that you say over and over again during a meditative practice. An author on the topic once explained it this way: “A mantra can be thought of as a seed for energizing an intention” — and I think that’s a beautiful way to look at it.
Although you may have never thought about having “intentions for your vagina” before, when you think about the fact that it is a physical component of extreme pleasure and profound intimacy, why not have mantras for it? Simple things like, “I will bring my vagina the absolute best” or “I will not betray my vagina by pretending I am fulfilled when I am not” can rewire everything about how you approach relationships, sensuality, and sexuality.
So, if you are indeed a meditator (and if you aren’t, why not use this as an opportunity to at least try to become one), why not throw in 1-3 mantras that have some sort of a vaginal theme to them? You never know what that kind of “seed” could ultimately do for your “secret garden” (cue Quincy Jones ‘n them; the real ones know).
3. Set Aside Time for Sexual Meditation
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Speaking of mantras for your vagina and how they can improve your sex life, something else that you might want to consider is setting aside time for what is known as sexual meditation. If it sounds a bit intimidating, it’s really just about learning how to be more mindful when it comes to sexual intimacy. And since mindfulness is about getting into a state (mind, body, and spirit) that will cause you to be in the moment, focus on your breathing and while learning how to fully accept yourself — it makes all the sense in the world that sexual mindfulness would be good for you, your vagina and ultimately your sex life.
One way that you can do that is by doing something known as orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”). Another method is vaginal mapping. We’ll get into that next.
4. Do Some Vaginal Mapping
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The more counseling that I do, the more amazed I am that so many wives (who are also mothers) have never really looked at their vagina before. I mean, even during labor, they preferred to look elsewhere. Listen, I’m not gonna preach too much but if you’re also someone who would rather “take a pass,” at least consider doing vaginal self-exams (check out “Why You Should Give Yourself A ‘Vaginal Self-Exam’”); just like your breasts need you to check up on them, your vagina does too. Don’t just wait until your annual visit to your gynecologist to make sure that everything is A-OK down below.
For those of you who may want to learn how to take things up a notch from a self-exam, get into what is known as vaginal mapping. Long story short, it’s all about exploring your vagina in a way that will help you to feel more comfortable with it, addressing some emotional or sexual issues you might be suppressing, and developing some sexual self-confidence as well. There are many people who have done vaginal mapping before and found it as a powerful way to find holistic healing on a myriad of levels. Anyway, if you want to learn a bit more about vaginal mapping and how it might personally benefit you, check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey.”
5. Purchase Items for Your Vagina and Vulva
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Me? I like to take my vagina and vulva shopping. What I mean by that is, every six weeks or so, I will tiptoe out into cyberspace to see what kind of products exist just for my va-jay-jay. As a result, I’ve found a vaginal wash that I really like, an oil for my pubic hair that makes it all feel uber soft, and a trimmer that doesn’t nick me. Oh, and don’t even get me started on panty shopping — between drawers and lip gloss, I know that I have a low-key addiction.
Real talk, there are a lot of items out in the world that are specifically designed for your vagina and vulva (including pubic hair dye if you want to cover up your grays like this brand here and this one here). So, why not cultivate some bonding time with “her” by setting aside a few coins to treat your own vagina to a few new things every once in a while (meaning, once a season…at least)?
6. Give Your Vagina and Vulva a “Pamper Day” (Monthly)
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Pampering is about extending an extreme level of indulgence, kindness, and care to someone or something. Do you do that for your vagina? For instance, when was the last time that your vagina (and vulva) had its own pampering day? This can include DIY’ing a vaginal wash for your time in the tub, making a rosewater solution to soothe an irritated vulva, giving your vulva a bit of a massage or hell, or even taking a longer nap so that your vagina (and the rest of you) can destress?
It can’t be said enough that a lot of us confuse self-maintenance with pampering — so, when it comes to your vagina, think about something that you can do for it that goes above and beyond…and then, instead of second-guessing, just go ahead and do it!
7. Feed Your Vagina Well
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Your diet affects everything about you — your vagina is absolutely no exception. For instance, because I have a fungal sensitivity, I’ve had to cut down on dairy (I never really do milk, but I do dig ice cream and cheese) because…did you know that dairy (and sugar) can jack up your pH levels and make you more susceptible to vaginal yeast infections? Yup. Bottom line here is it’s hard for your vagina to trust you if you’re not feeding it right, and yes, there are foods that work for your vagina (check out “The Foods Your Vagina's Been Craving”) and foods that work directly against it (check out “Here’s What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Eat LESS Of”).
There are plenty of articles (like this one here and this one here) to support the fact that your diet directly impacts your mental and emotional health for better or for worse. It’s hard to be emotionally sound when it comes to any part of you if you’re not consuming what will ultimately benefit you — head to toe. So, get — and keep — that diet right.
8. Forgive Your Vagina
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Have you ever low-key been upset with your vagina and/or vulva before? Hell, I have. When I had a yeast infection that demanded antibiotics. When my vulva (the outer part of my vagina) is irritated, and I can’t seem to get to the root of why. Back in the day, when I was sexually active, and I felt like I let how my vagina felt about someone’s penis trump what my brain was telling me about the person’s character. I could go on and on.
And just like any other time when we hold unforgivingness in our being, those moments caused me to feel disconnected from my vagina (and vulva) — sometimes without me even realizing it. I wouldn’t be as gentle with her. I wouldn’t mind skipping a wax appointment or two. I would ignore her when she was sending me signs that I wasn’t feeding her correctly or that a body wash or brand of detergent was literally rubbing her the wrong way. I wouldn’t sex journal my way into some clarity and peace about my past sexual decisions.
A great “starter definition” of forgiveness is one that I share often. It’s by author Gary Zukav: “Forgiveness is accepting that the past can’t change.” If you know that you don’t feel as good about your vagina as you should, take some time out to do some writing on why. And if you discover that you’re harboring some negativity towards it on some level, get intentional about forgiving it — and yourself. Not only does forgiveness help to improve the quality of your health, but it also boosts your self-esteem and makes your life better overall.
As a bonus, forgiveness reduces stress — and the less stressed out you are, the more you decrease your chances of experiencing various types of vaginal infections.
9. Thank Your Vagina
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I don’t know about y’all, but me and my vagina have shared some good times. There have also been moments when I know that my diet and sleep patterns have been off of the chain, and the good bacteria up in there kept the bad bacteria from taking over. Not to mention that my periods have been pretty kind to me over the years. Yeah, my vagina also deserves a “thank you” — and so does yours. And here’s the thing about expressing gratitude: it literally helps you to feel more positive so that you can have healthier emotions and, ultimately, healthier relationships.
Being thankful also helps you to not take things for granted — and since vaginas help to make great sex possible, help to birth babies, and play a role in our cycles staying on track…when’s the last time you gave it a heartfelt thank-you for holding you down?
10. Don’t Stress Your Vagina Out
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Stress isn’t good for any part of your being. Mentally, it can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, and/or depressed, being unable to make clear decisions, having a low libido, being sleep deprived, and not being productive throughout the day. Physically, it can create muscle tension, put on pounds, increase your chances of having heart disease (and a heart attack), give you digestive issues, and impair your memory. Emotionally, you can find yourself being frustrated, easily distracted and not being able to relax. And your vagina? Well, I wrote an entire article on what can happen when it’s had it up to here (check out “Ever Wonder If Your Vagina Is Stressed TF Out?”).
As we close this out, nothing can thrive and flourish in the way that it was designed to if it’s stressed out all of the time — and sis, if you’re having lots of vaginal infections, if you’re struggling to stay lubricated during sex, if your menstrual cramps are more intense than usual, all of this could be due to the fact that you and your vagina are not as in sync as you both should be, due to the fact that stress is all up in the way. So yes, get more rest. Drink more water (and herbal teas). Treat yourself to a new pair of panties. And give this article another once-over.
Because take it from me: when you are proactive about giving your vagina the time, attention, and praise that it not only needs but deserves, it can’t help but cause your entire being to feel better. How could it not when your vagina is such an essential part of you? One that is definitely worthy of feeling deeply connected to the deepest parts of your being…at all times.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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