As a relationship writer and a marriage life coach, a part of my job is to ask questions; sometimes, it's really intimate questions. And, after hearing a few couples that I work with express some of the things that they wish their partner would change in the bedroom, that got me to thinking that it would be a great piece for the site. Because, after all, sexual dissatisfaction—or sexual pet peeves—on some level, is pretty much something that 98.9 percent of us can relate to. The challenge was, finding a group of people who were ready and willing to bear their coitus gripes out of front street, on such a public platform. Oh, it took some doing, believe you me. But after getting a few referrals from friends of friends and agreeing to share people's middle names instead of first ones, I got it. I got 8 men and 8 women to share with me what they wish their partner would stop doing in bed.
Many of them actually said that, just by voicing their concerns, it felt sexually liberating in a way; it made them want to discuss their issues with their partner more. And honestly, that's what I'm hoping that reading this will do for you. Nothing really goes away by internalizing your frustrations or hoping that someone will catch the hints or side-eyes that you throw. Besides, great sex is all about healthy and consistent communication, right? If you want your partner to stop—or start—doing something, you've gotta let 'em know.
So, without further ado, here are 16 individuals sharing some of the things that they wish their partners would quit doing in the sex department, based on eight different categories. Get a glass of wine. This should be pretty good.
1. When It Comes to Initiating Sex
According to a survey of 4,000 Americans, 22 percent of women say that they rarely, if ever, initiate sex while 13 percent of guys fell into the same category.
Janelle, 26. "I bet a lot of women can relate when I say that I have no problem getting my hubby to initiate sex. Problem is, he misses signals about when I'm initiating or not. Don't let a sistah put her head in his lap while watching a movie or kiss him on the neck while he's cooking. Automatically, that seems to be his cue for 'it's on'. Don't get me wrong, the sex is unmatched. But if there is anything that I wish I could get my husband to stop doing, it's thinking that affection automatically means sex. It doesn't."
Isaiah, 42. "Women can send some of the most mixed signals, I swear. They want to be treated as equals and I totally get that. But then it should be automatic that a man pays for every date, proposes and initiates sex because 'that's a man's job'? So, when do we lead and when don't we? Aren't there some double standards here? I've been in a relationship for a couple of years now and, while she's 'a boss' in every way, when it's time for sex, she thinks that it's a given that I should initiate because 'I'm the man'. What the hell? Guys want to feel wanted just as much as women do. And, nothing turns us on and actually shows that a woman is taking control more than when she initiates sex."
2. When It Comes to Kissing
"Interestingly and perhaps depressingly, people in monogamous relationships were less likely to kiss their partner during their last sexual encounter: just 61% of coupled-up people said they kissed their partner the last time they had sex."—"Why Some People Don't Like Kissing During Sex (Yes, It's Normal)"
Alexis, 31. "I can't tell if [name omitted] is a good kisser or not. Sometimes he comes off as being passionate, then sometimes it's like he's trying to put his whole tongue down my throat. I'm not trying to put him out there or anything. Most times, I think I like how he kisses. But I do wish that he would pick up on my cues more. Like if I grab his face, that means I need to pull back or if I'm dead silent, that usually means this isn't working…or I can barely breathe." (LOL)
Roosevelt, 40. "I don't know where my partner came from, but she's one of those women who hates to kiss. I'm the kind of man who is all about it so, while her sex game is super on point, this 'no kissing thing' that she's got going on could end up costing her our relationship."
3. When It Comes to “Presentation”
Did you know that, reportedly, 86 percent of men care what a woman's underwear looks like, most of them prefer when bras and panties match, and only 12 percent of men actually dig thongs?
Melina, 45. "My man is great with hygiene and manscaping. But I'd like it if he'd wear something sexy more often. Some boxer briefs in my favorite color would be perfect. Girl, I don't even know if that man knows what my favorite color is…I'll have to ask him."
Karu, 24. "What we think is sexy isn't always what y'all think is. Like, I'll get my lady something that I want to see her in and she might wear it once or twice. But then she's always coming to bed in the same T-shirts and boy shorts or something that was leftover from her bridal shower [they are newlyweds by the way] that doesn't really turn me on. Maybe I don't get the whole lingerie thing, but are you guys wearing it for you or for us? If it's supposed to be for us, let us pick it out more. We know what turns us on."
4. When It Comes to Foreplay
According to a study that consisted of 152 heterosexual couples, most women said that they wanted 19 minutes of foreplay (but would settle for seven) while most men said they desired 18 minutes of foreplay (but would settle for eight).
Krysten, 37. "It's like having pizza every day. Pizza is one of my favorite foods. Eating it every day is eventually going to make me hate it. My husband is foreplay pizza. The foreplay is long and sensual and passionate, but he needs some new tricks in his bag. I just don't have the heart to tell him and, I'm definitely not gonna forward him this article."
Fredrick, 28. "I don't know if a lot of women know just how bad they are at foreplay. It's like Valentine's Day. Everyone assumes that the guy should get his lady something but it's cool if she does nothing. Just because we cum quicker, that doesn't mean we just want to be kissed on the mouth and then put it in. I've been with my current girlfriend for about six months now. She wants 20-30 minutes of foreplay. Meanwhile, she thinks that if she licks my dick for 30 seconds, she's done something. We have erogenous zones too. Damn."
5. When It Comes to Oral Sex
"Performing oral sex has long been a sign of intimacy and trust between lovers and the importance of oral sex in a relationship hasn't wavered. 72% of women and 85% of men say they think oral sex has a place in every bedroom and the performance of it shouldn't taper off as the years go on."—"The success of an affair depends on the amount of oral"
Jelena, 30. "Why do guys assume that, just because they are down there that they are actually doing something? Or worse, that what works with the chick before me is gonna work on me? My guy is great when it comes to intercourse but he kinda sucks at oral. Whenever I try and guide him with my sounds or words, his ego takes over and he acts like the faster his tongue moves, the quicker I'll cum. I hate fast tongues. Slow the f—k down. Ugh. Like, for real."
Thomas, 48. "I wish that sometimes my wife would swallow. We've been married for six years now and I think it's happened, what, five times? She's tried to explain to me that between the speed of it coming out and its texture, she just can't get into it, but I wonder how she would feel if I declined going down on her for similar reasons. Women talk about how selfish men can be in bed but some of you can be a real trip too."
6. When It Comes to Intercourse
LELO's "Are You Satisfied With Your Sex Life Survey" (which consisted of 10,000 participants), 31-40 year-olds are having the most sex; doggy style (50.1 percent), cowgirl (38.24 percent) and then missionary (34.66 percent) are people's favorite sex positions; 32.46 percent of individuals would like a dominant sex partner and, 29.26 of people said that their sex life is good.
Zipporah, 24. "Is it just me or is slow and deep so much better than that fast jerky movement stuff? And why do so many men think that all Black women love doggy style? I don't. My man thinks that because his dick is big that is stroke is hot. It's a crap shoot, honestly. What I do like is he's gonna make sure that I get mine, even if it's just with oral. But you asking me this is giving me the courage to tell him that ramming me 60 miles per hour while asking me if I like it ain't the business. I'd take off about two inches of his dick if it would make him switch his stroke up a bit."
Phelan, 40. "Faking it is stupid. Only young boys and selfish assholes can't tell when you are doing it. You do know that your muscles actually contract in there, right? I've been having sex for a long time now and, only one of my girlfriends never faked it. We had the best sex too. The woman I'm with now? I think she's too tense to not fake her orgasms. She's also super self-conscious, so I'm trying to figure out how to either get her to stop [faking it] or get her to cum. Preferably both."
7. When It Comes to Afterplay
In a study that consisted of both men and women discussing the importance of foreplay, intercourse and afterplay, women found foreplay to be most essential while men valued intercourse the most. At the same time, women desired more foreplay and afterplay overall.
Enara, 33. "OK, this is hilarious right here. Do guys even know what afterplay is? While my man is good for some spooning after sex, I already know not to expect much more than that. It kinda pisses me off, but since the sex is straight fire, I figure it's the concession that I have to make."
Stefan, 29. "Are deep talks about feelings a definition of afterplay because that is my girl's go-to every single time. Listen ladies, after we've had a good orgasm, all we want to do is sleep. You know that teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoons? That's how you sound when you come at us about where the relationship is going and how we feel about your commentary. We can't hear what you're saying. The sex was great. Let's talk about it when we're not naked and in this wet spot, please." (By the way, if you don't get his Charlie Brown reference, you can check out a clip here.)
8. When It Comes to Frequency
"According to a Kinsey Institute study from 2017, 34 percent of married couples are having sex two to three times per week; 45 percent a few times a month; and 13 percent only a few times a year."—"But Seriously, How Often Do Couples Have Sex?"
Oni, 36. "I want to have sex more than my partner does. While he's down for 2-3 times a week, I'd prefer to double that number. I've told him that the compromise should at least be that I get more head. We're negotiating that."
Donnie, 40. "A lot of men want sex as much as they can get it, but you know what? If we just know that our partner wants to more than a once a week, that can tie us over, even if we can't get any. That's a secret from the man cave, ladies. Use that wisdom wisely."
Welp. There you have it. 16 people sharing what they would like to be done differently in the bedroom. Whether or not you can relate, use this as the inspiration you need to praise your partner where they are great and to open up where you'd like to see some improvement. Again, communication is key to totally off-the-chain sex. Make sure that you use it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?
12 Absolutely Bomb Sex Techniques To Try Tonight
These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom
Feature image by Giphy
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RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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