Recently, while catching up with one of my male friends on the phone, I teased him about how much he's been going out to restaurants for lunch, being that there's a pandemic 'n all (because Google links alert us to where it's easier to catch COVID-19. Two places are restaurants and, well, church; you're a whopping 16 times more likely to get it there!). Since I'm well aware of the fact that he and his wife have been working at home, pretty much since quarantine began, the marriage life coach in me just had to ask—"Are you out so much because you're sick of being at home with your wife all day?" He didn't even hesitate when he said, "ABSOLUTELY!". And shoot, they have a pretty healthy relationship. Imagine how all of the couples who don't have one are feeling right about now.
Actually—and on some levels, unfortunately—you don't have to wonder. According to a lot of data that I've checked out, even since the pandemic hit, the uptick on divorces has jumped—catch it—34 freakin' percent since March, with 31 percent of the couples directly citing COVID-19 (and quarantining because of it) as the cause.
To be fair, even though the pandemic has tap danced on the very last nerve of basically all of us, at one point or another, I've been in the marriage counseling game long enough to know that just one thing doesn't attribute to a marriage falling apart. Even if infidelity comes into play, oftentimes the cheating happens because a whole lot of other "snowflakes" were ignored before that "avalanche" occurred.
So, why is it that so many folks are jumping the Love Boat ship right now? And, more importantly, what are some steps that you can take to ensure that you and yours can avoid becoming a pandemic divorce statistic? I'm so glad you asked. Here are eight safeguarding tips that I hope can help you out.
1. What Was the State of Your Marriage Prior to COVID-19?
Trial by fire. I'm pretty sure that a lot of you have heard that phrase before. If there's one thing that something like this pandemic does is, it tends to bring things to the surface that might have been ignored or even overlooked before. For instance, did you know that, on average, a lot of couples only spend two hours a day together? And that includes the weekends! This means that, whatever pet peeves, communication issues or straight-up incompatibilities that two people may have, for the most part, they can avoid it getting too much to them if they are only dealing with their spouse, about as long as their favorite movie lasts, once a day.
Oh, but then came along COVID-19 to blow all of that selective avoidance totally out of the water! Now husbands and wives have to directly deal on a whole 'nother level—and many aren't hanging in very well. While it's easy to simply chalk it up to the pandemic, it's important to be more realistic than that.
Take a moment to ask yourself how your marriage was before January (when we found out that COVID-19 was headed our way) and March (when we started quarantining due to the pandemic). Were there issues that you were having way before then that you just weren't dealing with? Because I'm willing to bet that if things were good prior to this pandemic, while stress-filled at times, it would not be what suddenly made you want to call it quits.
2. Try Not to Unfairly Transfer Your Stress
One of the clear signs that we've matured into emotionally healthy and responsible individuals is when we know that we've mastered the art of not transferring stress onto people or situations that don't deserve it. What I mean by that is, say that your boss has become the absolute most (when it comes to making demands), ever since the pandemic started and that has added some additional stress and anxiety into your world. If you're working from home and your spouse is too, it can be easy to take out your irritation or frustration on them (after all, they don't sign your paycheck, so you tend to be more "reckless" with them). Be careful. If you do that long enough, it can be easy for them to start getting pissed because they're sick and tired of being your emotional punching bag. Now, all of a sudden, the two of you are thinking that your marriage is the problem when really, it's your sucky boss.
If there was ever a time when people need to learn how to make self-care a top priority, this would be it. Meditating. Praying. Going for walks. Turning off your devices after a certain time. Vegging out and watching something totally stupid on television. Video chatting with some of your friends. Having wine on your back deck. Having sex with your spouse. These are all things that can help to decrease the mental tension that you've got going on. Plus, as an added benefit, the less stressed you are, the easier it is to get to the root of what is truly bothering you, so that you can put the energy towards where it needs to actually go, rather than the closest source in your space—which could very well be your partner.
3. Remember Why You Married Your Spouse in the First Place
Listen, if y'all didn't catch a peak of Lenny Kravitz in Men's Health magazine, do yourself a big ole' favor and click right here. Anyway, one of the things that he talks about in his interview is his endearing bromance with his ex-wife Lisa Bonet's current husband Jason Momoa. Well, as I was reading another article about Jason's take on how he and Lisa are handling this time of quarantine, after 14 years of marriage, I like that he said that it's given them time to really work on them as a couple.
What's interesting about that is, the married couples I personally know who have always, for the most part, been in sync, this pandemic has caused them to come to a similar conclusion as Jason. It's not that this season hasn't come with its challenges—but divorcing? That has been the last thing on their mind. If anything, they've been trying to figure out how to make their union stronger.
If you just read that and were like, "That's sweet but I am nowhere close to feeling that way right now," take a moment to reflect on why you married your spouse in the first place. Sometimes, in order to get a grasp on how to handle the hard times, it's beneficial to reflect on some happy memories. By the way, this tip isn't just so that you can "feel better". Sometimes, after some years have passed, the very thing that once attracted you to your partner can be the very thing that makes you want to totally lose it. But if you put that "thing" into perspective, it might be just what you need to balance you out and help you grow.
So if your spouse is so much on your nerves right now that you can't see one good thing about them or staying with them, reflect on back when you were dating and what made you agree to marry them in the first place. If they're still that person, be intentional about focusing on the good. It'll pay off in the long run.
4. Be Honest with Your Partner About How You’re Feeling
It's kinda crazy that, the two people who folks seem to be the least forthcoming with, are their spouse and their therapist (if they've got one). The reason why I say that is, I can't tell you how many times I've sat in a session and one of the spouses has said something that completely blindsided the other. That's why Luther Vandross' songs "A House Is Not a Home" and Tamia's "Stranger in My House" have so much truth to them. Sharing the same roof with someone doesn't mean you are actually connecting with them. Quality time, dates, pillow talk, conversations when all electronic devices are off—all of these moments are needed in order for two people to feel emotionally close to one another.
I can't tell you how many spouses (usually, it's husbands; I'm just gonna be real with y'all) are constantly penalized for not picking up on their partner's passive aggressive behavior or hints. When your partner said, "for better or for worse" on your wedding day, a part of what they were signing up for is being able to handle your feelings, your frustrations and your fears. It's not fair to you or your spouse to suppress your thoughts and emotions. While timing and delivery are important, you'd be amazed how much can be resolved by being transparent—and then allowing your partner to do the same.
5. Minimize Your Time with Debbie (or Donnie) Downers
Any time I hear someone say, "Never take marital advice from single people", like it's a blanket rule or something, the first thing that comes to my mind (other than the fact that, other than Moses, Christ and Paul spoke the most on marriage in the Bible and they weren't married) is that the divorce rate sits at around 50/50. This means that if you're married, you probably need to be more concerned about that 50 percent of folks who are divorced and what they've got to say; marital status does not automatically make someone a great example or teacher on the topic (just sayin'). The far better resolve is to listen to people who are advocates of marriage and, more specifically, YOUR MARRIAGE. Single people read. Single people have insights on love and relationships. Single people are capable of offering up perspectives that you may have never considered before. Don't miss out because you're currently subscribing to a saying that is nowhere close to being totally accurate or reliable.
That said, whether the person is single, married or divorced, definitely make sure that they speak positivity into your life. I've got a newly divorced friend who, honestly, is more peace-filled now than he was in his marriage. However, what I've had to do is encourage him to stop rolling up in his barbershop every week, on a mission to get single men to never marry. Just because his wife was totally off-the-chain (and she really was), that doesn't mean that no one else should jump the broom.
Marriage isn't ever the problem. Choosing the right (or not-so-right) person is what poses the challenges that so many couples have.
During the trying times of your relationship, the last thing you need is bitter people, bad energy or tainted advice being constantly spoken into your space. So, if you must talk about what's going on in your relationship, speak with those who are rallying for you to stay with your partner; not those who can't wait for you and yours to break-up. Especially if it's for no other reason than misery loves company. SMDH.
6. Apply Some Real Thought to the “It’s Cheaper to Keep” Saying
Listen, sometimes you really have to take the "How can I gas myself up until these feelings pass?" approach to honoring your commitment. And divorces? They ain't cheap, chile. I know some husbands who are pushing through because they don't wanna pay alimony and child support. I know some wives who are pushing through because their state says that whoever leaves first, they end up walking away from their property (like their house).
While staying with someone because you don't want the financial stress and strain of leaving might sound shallow or even unimaginable to some, to me, serves for two great points. If you're a single person reading this, remember that marriage is a business; one that comes with a contract known as a marriage license. A HUGE part of what makes divorces messy isn't so much the feelings as the finances. And two, if you are married, one way to make sure that you're not simply emotionally jumping the gun by threatening divorce is to think about how it will affect your livelihood once you actually do. A part of the reason why I wrote the article, "What Some People Regret About Their Divorce" for this platform is because there are A LOT of people who think that getting divorced is a simple solution to a marital problem when, oftentimes, it is anything but.
Divorces tend to take a real financial toll on people, even before COVID-19 hit. If you're thinking about leaving your spouse, simply because they are "getting on your nerves", you might wanna revisit that strategy. Being financially strapped, for who knows how long, could be what ends up stressing you TF out a helluva lot more.
7. Zoom with a Therapist (If Necessary)
While I'm sure that a part of the reason why I feel this way is because I am a marriage life coach, I continue to be floored by the amount of married couples who will separate and/or divorce without getting ANY kind of counseling beforehand. When your marriage is in trouble or turmoil, it can be difficult to see things from any perspective other than "I hate this" and "I'm out". Whether it's a reputable counselor, therapist or relationship coach, oftentimes, they are able to offer up angles, tips and tools that can help you to 1) more effectively communicate with your partner; 2) figure out how to stick it out and 3) improve your relationship so that, not only do you avoid getting a divorce but you can be better than you've ever been.
Divorce is serious. It's life-altering as well. Not only that, but on your wedding day, you and your spouse took vows and vows are promises. If you love your partner but you need some help either seeing why staying is worth it or how to make your relationship elevate out of the mere "survival mode" level of things, seek out a professional. There are plenty who are willing to have Zoom meetings. It could very well be the best investment that you've ever made, marriage wise.
8. Never Forget: Seasons Do Pass
Isn't it interesting that, we learn to accept seasons? Whether you hate winter and adore summer, winter is gonna come, like clockwork; the best thing that you can do is prepare and adjust. Same thing applies to marriage. Sometimes things are gonna be awesome. Other times, eh, not so much. Yet if you know this and make peace with it, being thrilled during the good times and patient during the challenging ones can also be a real key to your marriage's longevity.
And if it's the season of COVID-19 that's testing you to no end, resolve to stay positive, knowing that this too shall pass. And if you and your spouse are committed to having each other's back rather than pushing each other away—you very well could come outta this thing with a stronger marriage rather than a pandemic divorce. Hang in there, y'all. More times than not, it's worth it if you do.
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (firstname.lastname@example.org) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
This New Scalp Care Line Is Exactly What Your Wash Days Need
This post is in partnership with SheaMoisture.
When it comes to healthy hair care, there are a few things that will help you achieve healthy strands: a healthy hair care regime, hydration, consistent treatments, and scalp care. While scalp care is one of the most neglected practices, it is also one of the most important. Why? Because it helps promote healthy hair growth, clear hair follicles, and remove build-up.
When it comes to creating a healthy scalp routine, it helps to know exactly what you’re up against so you know how to specifically treat it. Two of the most common concerns are dandruff and dry scalp. It can be tough to decipher which is which, but here’s a quick breakdown: dry scalp is caused by a lack of moisture in the skin, while dandruff is caused by an excess of oil and yeast buildup on the scalp. Knowing that both of these are big concerns, SheaMoisture released two separate product lines to address both issues: the Scalp Moisture collection and the Anti-Dandruff collection.
Needless to say, if you tend to experience dandruff then I’d recommend you try the Anti-Dandruff collection. However, my biggest concern has always been dry scalp. A lack of moisture on the scalp can be caused by several factors like weather, age, and hair products to name a few. I’ve noticed that when I use certain gels or skip out on a deep scalp cleanse, my roots feel itchy and dry nonstop, which is uncomfortable.
The only way to relieve the discomfort is to properly wash and moisturize my roots, so I tried the Scalp Moisture collection and this is what I thought.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
First, What’s In The Collection?
The Scalp Moisture collection is a four-product line that includes a pre-wash masque, a moisturizing shampoo and conditioner, and a moisturizing scalp cream. Each product uses moisturizing and strengthening ingredients like aloe butter and vitamin B3 as active ingredients to provide eight times the moisture. Together, aloe butter and vitamin B3 work to restore dry and brittle hair, as well as add relief to the scalp.
Now, let’s break down each product…
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque may actually be the all-star of the collection. Using this deep conditioning masque is one of the best ways to target your dry scalp, restore hydration, and nourish your strands before shampooing.
I started by completely saturating my hair and scalp with water, then making small sections to apply the masque directly to the root. For my girls who have experience with relaxers and perms, it helps to apply the masque to your roots just like you would do with a relaxer. This way you can make sure you’ve covered as much of your scalp as possible while minimizing any breakage.
Pro tip: you can also use a color application brush to make this step easier.
After I completely covered my scalp, I massaged the product into my roots, used any excess on my strands, then left the masque in for 30 minutes. I was shocked by how moisturizing and clarifying my scalp and hair felt. One of the things that I love about the masque is the slip and how much softer it made my hair. While this is marketed as a scalp care product, it can completely transform your hair from dry and parched to completely hydrated.
In my opinion, the downside of this masque is that the quantity is too small for my liking. Truth be told, naturals go through deep conditioners faster than any other product (especially when it’s this good.) So SheaMoisture, if you’re reading this, we’d love a bigger jar.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Shampoo
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Shampoo is a gentle cleanser packed with the same moisture as the masque. The pearl-colored shampoo is lightweight with a serum-like consistency and a light and clean scent. The smell is pleasant, subtle, and not overbearing. When I applied the shampoo, I noticed immediately that it foams and lathers up very quickly, so less is more.
After applying the shampoo, I parted my hair and started at the roots to target as much of my scalp as possible. I recommend really taking the time to work the product and massage your scalp as much as possible.
Pro tip: using a scalp massager makes it easier and it feels amazing.
Once you start to massage your hair you’ll feel the product start to work. There’s a tingling sensation that might catch you off guard if you’re not used to it, but it’s not nearly as strong as other scalp products I’ve tried. I know some may not appreciate the sensation, but I loved it! My scalp felt clean, light, and breathable.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Conditioner
Like the shampoo, the SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Conditioner shares that pearly color and serum-like feel. It applies very easily while softening and moisturizing your hair. When I applied it to my hand, it gave my hands a lotion-like feel, which speaks volumes about its hydration capabilities. I also loved that the conditioner comes with a pump, instead of having to squeeze the product out – to me, it makes application easier.
I typically apply my conditioner to the ends first but because this is a scalp care product I started at the root and worked my way down to my ends. I did leave the conditioner in for ten minutes, although the bottle recommends leaving it in for three. The conditioner also provides that same breathable feel to your scalp. I honestly loved the relief.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Cream
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Cream is more of a daily relief product for your roots rather than your overall hair. It’s great for providing moisture and immediate relief to a dry and itchy scalp. Just like most of the collection, it gives a light and breathable feel – without the tingle. The applicator bottle targets specific parts of your scalp and makes applying easier.
Pro tip: I typically just squeeze the bottle to wherever I need the relief and use the tip to massage it into my scalp so it doesn’t mess up the hairstyle.
Overall, SheaMoisture’s scalp care line lives up to its claims – it moisturizes, strengthens, and provides immediate scalp relief. I definitely recommend trying the Scalp Moisture collection for an affordable way to treat itchy and dry scalp.
Featured image by Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
7 Underrated Signs That He's Truly 'Marriage Material'
While in an interview a few months back, someone asked me what I personally thought it meant for someone to be “marriage material.” Off top, the first thing that came out of my mouth is that it had to be an individual who actually desires marriage (more on that in a bit) because that kind of person will be proactive about doing what needs to be done in order to prepare for that kind of life journey.
Another indication that someone is marriage material is they don’t see marriage as just “a long-term relationship.” Yeah, don’t get me started on the fact that a part of the reason why divorce is so high now is people think that a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic is the same thing as a husband/wife one. It absolutely is not. Marriage-minded folks hold marriage in high regard, which means that they seek out someone who isn’t a “we’ll see how it goes” when it comes to relationships; nah, they are looking for the complement who will be far more permanent. Marriage-minded people are vow-keepers (‘til death do us part), not just sentiment-sayers (I love you, boo).
Marriage material — and please get this one all the way down in your spirit — is also about not just sitting around rah-rahing about what you deserve. What I mean by that is people are not truly ready for marriage if they’ve got a what-I-want-in-a-spouse list that is 10 miles long, yet they aren’t even 30 percent of what’s on the list themselves. Listen, I will forever say until every single cow comes home that if you are out here declaring what you DESERVE in someone else, that means, by definition, that you are QUALIFIED to have all of those things. And qualified means “having the qualities, accomplishments, etc. that fit a person for some function, office, or the like” (which is why you can’t be out here dictating what you deserve without hearing what others feel that they deserve in return).
Geeze. With all of this out in the open, I probably should write an article about signs that a woman is ready for marriage (noted). For now, let’s dive into some unsung signs that a man is truly marriage material — so that you can discern, quicker, who is the better “husband fit” for you.
1. He Knows His Purpose
We’re gonna have to take this article to church a bit because, when it comes to the topic of marriage, it’s my personal opinion that a lot of them don’t last because people fail to factor in the spiritual component that can help them to truly see the distance. And when it comes to men, if you look at the Bible, two things that Adam (the first husband who’s in the Good Book) had before his wife was BROUGHT (he didn’t pursue her; she was brought, by God, to him — Genesis 2:24-25) his way is he had a relationship with God and a life purpose (Genesis 1-2).
And since the way that a woman is first defined in Scripture is being a helpmate (the Hebrew term for this is ezer kenegdo which translates into lifesaver — Genesis 2:18) to a man — does it make sense to marry someone when you don’t know what you’re helping out because he doesn’t know what he’s here to do in life? How can you complement what is so vague and unsure?
That’s why I’m not a fan of folks expecting marriage during college. College should be about figuring out who you are outside of your parents and also discovering what you want your life path to look like. If you come into school knowing and you’re consistent about it, cool. Yet if you have no idea, that’s okay too; take your time and get some clarity.
Anyway, bottom line here is, some definitions of purpose are “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” and “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal,” and when a man is purpose-minded, there is a level of clarity, maturity, and moving-with-intention about him that is totally unmatched. That’s part of the reason why the late and super great Dr. Myles Munroe was so big on men knowing what their purpose is in life — it says a lot about him.
So, if you’re currently seeing someone and it seems like he’s dragging along as far as moving forward in your relationship, I recommend asking him, “Do you know your purpose?” It will reveal a lot about him. It can also bring some insights on if you’re a good fit for each other — whether right now or later. Trust me. Try it.
2. His Dating Life Is Intentional Instead of Random
Men who are ready for marriage don’t tend to be vague about it; they realize that time is of the essence, so they tend to make that pretty clear upfront. Another thing? Their actions will line up with their words.
Now, this doesn’t mean that they will be racing to the altar in a year or less; however, what I can assure you is that marriage-minded men are not going to be out here casually dating. Casual literally means things like “without definite or serious intention” and “seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; relaxed; nonchalant,” and no man who is gearing up for a wife rolls in this kind of head or even heart space.
I will give a heads-up that, initially, this doesn’t automatically mean that he will be exclusive with you — and honestly, he shouldn’t have to be. If he wants to figure out who his right life partner is, he should “interview” a few women (same goes for you if you desire a husband). However, the process will not drag out for years on end, and once he has figured out who the one is for him, he tends to have no problem not just cutting other ties but getting engaged sooner than later.
In other words, I don’t know too many marriage-minded men who take more than a couple of years to not just date someone but get engaged in that timeframe, too (check out “Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married”). That’s why, if you find yourself dating someone for several Christmases, you definitely should ask them if marriage is even on their radar. Chances are (especially if they are over 35 as a guy)…it isn’t.
3. He’s Seen a Therapist. Or a Life Coach. Or Both.
Uh-huh. If the first thing that came to your mind is, “Yes, please see a therapist,” honestly, it is my opinion that ANYONE WHO WANTS TO GET MARRIED should do so. I don’t mean go to premarital counseling once you are already in a serious relationship or engaged (although yes, you should definitely do that, too); I mean that…getting prepared for marriage includes making sure that your mental and emotional health and well-being are in a really good space and a therapist and/or life coach can help to make that happen.
Should you see both? Maybe. Check out my article, “Thinking About Hiring A Life Coach? Read This Before You Do,” so that you can get some clarity on that. What I will say, for now, is that a therapist tends to deal with things of your past as they offer up some tips and insights on how to handle your present and future, while life coaches (ICF-certified ones, that is) focus on asking you the kinds of questions that can help you to get a handle on how to handle your present and future.
I have a male friend who is the COO of a life coaching company, and one of the things that he and I have discussed is a lot of men who are serious about planning for their future will see a life coach, especially when it comes to their professional life; the main reason is that it can help them to get things organized so that they are prepared for a wife and family.
My takeaway from that? Asking a man, eh, maybe 4-5 dates in, if they have ever seen a therapist or life coach could be pretty revealing. Because even if the topic of marriage has not even been broached yet, what it can reveal is how proactive he is about getting his life in order — and that’s always a good thing.
4. He Can Clearly Articulate Plans for His Future Wife
Thanks — yet no thanks — to rom-coms, far too many people think that it’s fine to get married just on feelings alone. Yeah, please don’t do that. It’s also another article for another time that people who are serious about wanting to get married will be in a consistent state of preparation whether they are in a relationship or not.
When it comes to what that looks like for a man, one thing to keep in mind is he will be able to clearly articulate what he desires in a wife (by the way, please don’t try and challenge a man about what he wants; he has to live with her and, besides, you wouldn’t want him to do that to you. Either y’all are a good fit or not, yet don’t attempt to control his own narrative). Not only that, but he’ll be able to explain why he thinks a wife would be a good fit for him in this season, what he wants to bring into his future wife’s world, and some of the short- and long-term plans that he has for her and their marriage.
In other words, he won’t be like a guy I know (who is now divorced after 15 years of marriage) who, when I asked him why he was getting married (when he pretty much sucked even as a boyfriend), all he said was, “If I don’t do it now, I never will.” His marriage proposal was piss-poor, the marriage flailed the entire time, and even on the back end, he comes off as pretty nonchalant.
So many people’s marriages are less-than-impressive, even to them, and a huge part of the reason is that they failed to plan for their spouse and their marriage. They put a lot of thought into the wedding…and that’s about it. Red flag, red flag…RED FLAG.
5. He’s Emotionally Intelligent
Okay, so before we dive into this particular point, you might be tempted to assume that being emotionally available is the same thing as being emotionally intelligent. Yeah…not really (check out “5 Signs A Man Is Emotionally Available. 3 Signs He's Not.”).
While emotional availability is about being open to sharing your feelings and meeting the emotional needs of others, emotional intelligence is all about things like understanding emotions, articulating emotions, and maturely handling one’s emotions.
Listen, out of all of the things that we’ve already touched on here, a lot of people end up in divorce court because not only did they choose someone who was pretty emotionally unintelligent, but they also were lacking in that particular area themselves.
That said, emotionally intelligent people are:
- Proactive in praising other people
- Gracious and grateful
- Able to use more than “mad”, “sad” or “happy” to describe how they’re feeling
- Also able to receive feedback
- Great listeners
- Express themselves well
That’s 10 traits, and honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what emotional intelligence requires. Yet, I’m sure you can see that if more people looked for someone who was emotionally intelligent, it would definitely make their relationship — and their life, in general — go so much more smoothly.
6. He’s Sexually Healthy
This one, boy. Okay, so when I say that he should be “sexually healthy,” I’m not just speaking of him having a cleared STD test. No, what I mean is — and this is somewhat of a Shellie-ism more than anything — I don’t really trust ANYONE who claims that they are ready for marriage while they are still out here all willy-nilly in these streets, male or female. Because if you don’t have some sort of sexual self-control leading up to your wedding day, jumping a broom isn’t really going to change much of anything. Why? Because a wedding is an outward expression of some inward adjustments and decisions that have already transpired.
So yeah, a man who is truly marriage material? It shouldn’t be odd to you if he’s been abstinent for a season (several months or more). It shouldn’t seem strange to you if he speaks of sex from less of a recreational space and more of a spiritual and intimate one. If he admits that he used to be, umm, “super-friendly” and now he wants to take things slow, don’t assume that he’s got someone on the side — it could be a form of sexual discipline that he’s displaying (and good for him).
Now that I think about it, it’s kind of wild to say, yet I’ve got several male friends (over the age of 37) who used to be beyond promiscuous, who’ve all told me that it’s been months now since they’ve had any form of sex. None of them are in a serious relationship or necessarily even looking for one; they’ve just said that sex, just to be having it, has gotten old. Plus, oftentimes, the drama that potentially comes with it isn’t worth it, so they’d prefer to focus on self-work and wait until sex with someone is more meaningful (hey, they have no reason to lie to me; we’re just friends).
Guys like this? They are pretty close to being marriage-minded. Straight up.
7. He Actually WANTS to Get Married
Final point. Although it might evoke a collective "duh" from some of y'all, you'd be amazed how many women end up wasting very precious time that they will never get back, and it's all because they got involved with a man who liked or perhaps even loved them yet he didn't desire to get married. And either because they simply assumed that he did or they thought they could "love him into" wanting to be a husband, they ended up getting their feelings hurt. Extremely so.
Another thing to keep in mind? A man who wants to get married has no problem vocalizing it very early on. Meaning, on the third date, it won't be foreign for him to say, "I would love to start a family in the next couple of years," without you even having to coax it out of him. Guys who aren't interested in marriage — they tend to deflect from the topic altogether as much as they possibly can.
As we close this all up, I will say that it's important to keep in mind that just because a man doesn't want to be a husband, that doesn't mean he's not a good guy — GREAT even. So please don't manipulate matters by thinking that a man who doesn't want to be married somehow has some sort of "issues" (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?" and "12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage"). Thinking like that speaks to your projecting more than anything else.
All I'm saying is a guy who is marriage material is a guy who will say, out of his own mouth, that marriage is on his menu, and so he will engage you in that manner — meaning, he will take time with you seriously, and if you are a good fit, he will state it; if he thinks you are not "his one," he will share that too…so that you both can get out of each other's way.
The thing about being “marriage material” is you’ve got to be cut from the kind of cloth that has marriage on your mind — not constantly yet enough to where you move with clear, thoughtful, and mature intention.Hopefully, this article sheds some (additional) light on what this looks like for a man. Hopefully, it also served as a heads up — or reminder — on what, in many ways, he’s looking for in a woman too. Proceed with discernment, y’all. And keep me posted. #winkLet’s make things inbox official!
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