5 Signs Your Work Bestie Is Actually Out To Sabotage You

​1. They enjoy laughs and giggles, even when it’s at your expense.

Sharing a joke about something that’s actually funny is one thing, but if they’re making fun of your career goals, cracking jokes about your presentation during an important meeting, or downplaying your role in a work-related project, you might want to side-eye whether this is a work bestie or a saboteur. I love to laugh, but I’m very skeptical of people who make everything in life a laughing matter.

If they don’t really take you seriously in front of your face, imagine how they talk about you behind closed doors. This is dangerous when those closed doors include your managers or people who hold the keys to your career development in their hands.

2. Their in-office congratulations seem lackluster or oftentimes shady.

I’ve never really been a fan of people who lean on “shade” to get a point across, as I don’t deem them generally trustworthy. (I’m big on people being super-direct with me; that way, I’m clear on someone’s values, opinions, and outlook on life. They are direct yet use tact, and they consider the relevance, occasion, and outcomes before speaking. But I digress.)

Condescending communication (which is what “throwing shade” falls under) in the workplace is demoralizing and unprofessional, and a coworker who seems to have mastered this as a default communication tool needs to be left alone. They will eventually apply this to something very vital to your career advancement, and we don’t have time for that.

​3. They’re super-chatty about gossip, but when it comes to important meetings, updates on future plans of the company, or important information that might benefit you, they’re mum.

I once found out a work friend was trying to be sneaky by taking a meeting with my boss to offer “better” ideas on an initiative I was named leader of. What was hilariously ludicrous about this was that I had seniority at that company, the initiative I was leading had nothing to do with her job or department, and my boss adored the work I was doing.

This so-called friend had said nothing about plans to meet with my boss, nor why, but she was sure to loudly and proudly share gossip about people who worked with us. The relationship between my boss and me at the time was so good that my boss was the one who told me about the meeting, unaware that I knew nothing about it.

All I could do was laugh, stay silent, and observe because sometimes people simply shoot themselves in the foot in the workplace, even when they think they’ve put a target on your back. Office politics are real, but some people let jealousy and overzealousness cloud their judgment, leading to embarrassment and an erosion of reputation in the long run.

​4. They’re always unhappy or disgruntled about the job and do nothing to advance, improve, or exit.

This is a big red flag. In general, it’s never a good idea to hang out with the office complainer or the Negative Ned or Nelly. Not only is it a bad reflection on you, but it's a great way to kill any positivity you might be trying to lean on and attract for your career. Another side to this coin is that oftentimes—like the ex-bestie I mentioned in my initial example—they turn on you. That friend even ended up trying to rally other employees against me, putting my job at risk just shortly after I’d gotten the promotion.

Oftentimes, when you’re a manager, upper executive, or director, you no longer have the luxury of the benefit of the doubt when unhappy employees build cases against you.

At many companies, it’s up to you to answer grievances (even if they’re lies, misunderstandings, or totally ridiculous), and then you’re responsible for executing ways to improve, endear yourself to team members, and rebuild trust, even if you’re not really at fault. This nightmare of a work bestie knew this and attempted to use it to her advantage, lighting fire to gossip and twisting stories and circumstances to make me look bad.

When I think back on the situation, I remember this person being generally unhappy and constantly complaining about her workload, manager, or other aspects of her life when we were work friends—before I got the promotion.

Once I moved up the ladder, I became the villain she’d often complain about (behind my back, of course), and it was a nightmare whenever I had to critique her work, tell her no, or go in a different direction on something she really wanted to do but isn’t a good fit for whatever reason.

All the friendly, respectful vibes went out the window. She even had a child-like tantrum, crying, screaming, and locking herself in a bathroom during a work trip because she received an email she didn’t like from an executive at the company.

The best thing to do is to avoid befriending the Negative Neds and Nellys, even if they seem likable or they’re the only person you think you can vent to. You never know where your career at your current company will take you, and the lack of boundaries might come to bite you in the butt later.

​5. They don’t advocate for you when they should and seem to want to be the only “one” with any sort of power at the job.

Sometimes, you think the only other Black woman in your department will be the perfect work bestie, only to find out she’s politely tolerating you and really doesn’t want you there.

A loved one found this out the hard way when while working at a company where she and one other woman were the only Black employees. She was new at the job and thought the other person was truly endearing themselves to her, but she quickly found out that the person was spreading her personal business in a plight to damage the respect others, predominantly white men, would have for her.

How did she find out? A white male coworker awkwardly disclosed his disgust, saying that he felt “bad” knowing so much about her home and marriage.

I once experienced this as well while working in a predominately white environment. I’d share personal time, and lunches, and even meet the family of a fellow Black woman in the office. We were two of very few Black employees in the entire company, and I admired her from the start—a major reason I gravitated toward building a friendship with her.

Then I’d notice that she’d overtalk me in meetings, downplay my accomplishments, and even vote against me when it came down to leading on certain projects that others thought I’d be a perfect fit for. After learning a bit about her background, I found out that she’d always been the golden Black girl—the one who had graduated among the top in her school of mostly white students, who always got called on for special events, and who was proud to be the self-appointed token representative for Black folk in watercooler conversations. She loved being the “exotic” big fish in small ponds.

I guess I was a threat as a confident HBCU graduate who was used to competing with the best of the best across multiple markets, no matter what race or culture. Funny enough, I never saw her as a threat. I thought she’d be a sister who I could be myself with and who I could build with.

It’s utterly devastating to find that your fellow Black woman peer is really an enemy. And sadly, it’s a reality many women of color face. And y'all know I’m going to point out research here. According to a Harvard Business Review report, women and Black professionals are more “willing to join a team that’s predominantly male or white,” if it will help them stand out in “hyper-competitive situations, despite the potential psychological toll of being a “token.”

The discriminatory and broken diversity and inclusion systems in many workplaces feed into the catty competitiveness that fuels situations like the ones I’ve mentioned above, so some women think it necessary to protect themselves by sabotaging you.

I’m not saying don’t befriend your fellow Black women in the office. In fact, I encourage you to be open to friendship and practice discernment as you would with anyone, no matter their background.

Whether Black, white, or other, people are people, and if they want something they think you have and you’re in the way, they’ll do what they think is necessary.

Proceed with healthy caution, stay focused on why you’re at the company and what you want to accomplish, lift as you climb, and do quality work. All of these things have helped me to succeed in spite of any workplace saboteur masquerading as a work bestie. And I've made many friends in my career journey, men and women.

Finding out that someone close to you isn’t really for you is a bummer, but remember, there are so many fabulous folk who can be great friends at work, making your time there positive, productive, and memorable.

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