Back when I used to write devotionals three days a week (I did that for over 20 years, by the way), it was wild that, over time, far more than Christians were on the subscription list. Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, folks who were even agnostic and atheist were subscribed. There are various reasons why yet something that I have always said to people who have no interest in following the Bible is, even if it ultimately played out that everything in it was fictional, the Good Book still offers up some great “morals to the story” and food for thought that pretty much all walks of life can benefit from (which is why I enjoy reading books from other faiths myself).
I think that’s why it’s so easy for me to incorporate a lot of Scripture even in my “secular” writings — because again, even if the Bible isn’t your thing, there are still some takeaways that you can benefit from…so long as you remain open-minded and willing.
Take today’s message, for example. Whether you believe that the world started in the Garden of Eden with Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:23 & 3:20) in it or not, there are all kinds of lessons in there; one, in particular, that I share with my clients (who also come from all walks of life) often. One that, almost every single one of them has found an immense sense of relief and freedom for themselves once they took it all in.
One that, if you’re someone who is a self-professed perfectionist or you simply know that you’ve got some pretty unrealistic expectations in a certain area (or some areas) of your life, hopefully, what I’m about to share can give you some peace of mind too.
Ready? Gather your imagination together and let’s stroll through a garden for a moment.
One of the Most Missed Points About the Garden of Eden. Hands Down
GiphyPeople who know me know that there is no question that my favorite place in the Bible is the first two chapters of Genesis. The reason why is because that is the only place where perfection is recorded and so, to me, that is the blueprint for how those of us who follow the Bible are to live our lives. For the sake of your time and my space, I can’t get into all of the gems that are at the beginning of Genesis.
Today, if you have a Bible (you can also go to Bible Gateway if you don’t), go to the first chapter and tell me what you see when you read about light in verse 4; when God separated the land from the water in verse 9; when seeds, herbs, and fruits manifested in verse 12; when the day and night were separated in verse 18; when sea creatures and birds were created in verse 21, and when other animals came forth in verse 25.
At the end of each verse, what adjective is used to define what God had done: GOOD, right? And then, once humans were made, at the end of all creation, verse 31 says that God saw things to be VERY GOOD.
Good. Theologians believe that the original language of Scripture is Hebrew and the Hebrew word for good is “tov” which basically means “functional.” Functional means “capable of serving the purpose for which it was designed.” So, according to Scripture, only in Genesis 1-2 are we seeing the world in the way that it was created to function. This means that prior to sin, things were functional. Now, things are dysfunctional.
If that isn’t a sermon unto itself, what I really want you to zero in on is the fact that even in a state of perfection, the word “perfect” was never used — good was. My theory is that because God is all-knowing and he knew that the Woman and then Adam (yes, in that order) were going to show all the way out, he didn’t want to go with the word “perfect.” However, even after all of the tree drama and sin entered into the earth (Genesis 3), guess what things could still be? GOOD.
Perfect means things like “excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement,” “entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings,” “matching in every detail the definition of an ideal type of something,” “thorough or complete; absolute” and “pure” — a lofty standard indeed. Yet again, even in the state of things being perfect, Scripture says that God preferred to go with the word “good” to describe what he had done.
Is good a lot? It is. Yet is it less stressful than perfect? 1000 percent. So, tell me something: If in the state of (biblical) perfection, when things were as functional as can be, since even God himself didn’t state that things were perfect (again, because I think he knew that sin was coming!), why, when things can’t get more dysfunctional in society and culture, on a billion different levels, than they are right now, are you stressing yourself out to not be content, satisfied, at peace with reaching the goal of good?
Why isn’t GOOD…good enough?
Why Perfectionism Works Against Not for You
GiphyAlthough it probably seems obvious that this would be an ideal read for people who are self-professed perfectionists, the reason why I think that everyone should at least skim it is that some folks are perfectionists-in-denial — and it’s mostly because they aren’t aware of what some of the traits are that come with actually being one. I’ll share seven:
- Perfectionists have unrealistic standards and expectations
- Perfectionists do a lot of things with fear (of failure) as their motivation
- Perfectionists tend to be big-time procrastinators (due to the whole fear of failure thing)
- Perfectionists are unteachable and quite defensive
- Perfectionists are inflexible and have an all-or-nothing kind of attitude
- Perfectionists are hella critical
- Perfectionists oftentimes have low levels of self-esteem that they mask
Okay, so now that you’re taking all of this in, are there certain points that you’re able to personally resonate with? With your friendships, do you have unrealistic expectations? In your relationships, are you inflexible? At work, are you a procrastinator or perhaps super critical of other people? If you’re nodding your head “yes,” all the while saying to yourself, “I mean, what’s wrong with that?” — two points.
One, I once read an article that featured a study about how coworkers absolutely prefer to not work with perfectionists. The reason why is that many individuals find them to be draining, pressuring, and full of unrealistic expectations. Something that I also found to be interesting about the read is perfectionists tend to live in what is known as “the tyranny of should” which reminds me of something that a friend of mine often says: “’Should’ is how a person decides how they think things should be that usually based on their own ego; not everything should be a certain way just because you decide that it…well, should.”
Adding to that, the article goes on to share that perfectionism is tied to stress, mental health challenges, eating disorders, and plain ole’ burnout. Know what else? It’s due to perfectionism that many remain stagnant or quit things that they’ve started. What could possibly be good about that?
Second point: perfectionists have a tendency to not be able to take what they dish out. What I mean by that is, while they oftentimes extend very little mercy or grace to others when it comes to how they think that things should be or should go, whenever they mess up, here come all of the excuses and justifications. Why? Because they are so caught up in wanting things to look flawless (when it comes to themselves) they will dodge accountability and gaslight in order to keep the façade of their own perfection going. What is good about that?
Adding to all of this, another article that I read on perfectionism said that it can cause people to feel very self-defeated, simply due to the fact that their own high goals can be overwhelming and so, “By avoiding mistakes at any cost, a perfectionist can make it harder to reach their own lofty goals.” What in the entire world is good about that?
Gee, I don’t know about you but the more that I read about trying to be perfect, not only does the outcome not even come close to being perfect, there’s not much good that comes from it either.
So, now that you see all of this, does the title of this piece make more sense to you? Why strive for perfection when strive means things like “to contend in opposition, battle, or any conflict” and to fight or struggle? Why not go a bit easier on and be realistic with yourself and aim for “good” instead — because to me, good is where it’s totally at.
Why Good, Not Perfect, Is Actually Best
GiphySince I write mostly in the relationship lane, let me start to bring all of this home with a relationship goals example. I’ve shared before that, personally, very few things irk me more than when someone says that they are “waiting on their fairy tale” (insert a million eye rolls here).
Fairy tales aren’t real. Fairy tales, by definition, are stories for children. Plus, those who are on some “I want the princess treatment” — princesses are the daughters of fathers; in a relationship, a queen is the wife of a man — a king and she has a lot more responsibilities than a princess does (another message for another time, chile — Proverbs 12:4). So, already, just putting that kind of energy and mindset out into the universe, you are being unrealistic. I’ll keep adding on to all of this, though.
Now say that in your fairy tale, you want a 2.0 version of a 6-6-6 guy (check out “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”). He’s got to have six figures, be at least 6’ feet tall (only 15 percent of men in America are that, by the way) and his package must be no less than 6.” Plus, he should be the kind of man who causes mouths to drop whenever he enters the room and, somehow, he should be hella ambitious and yet can be available for your every beck and call (that’s not really how ambition works, but…). In your mind, it’s a standard — oh, but is it really? Looks to me more like you are one hell of a (relational) perfectionist.
First of all, don’t even get me started on how many people who barely have $300 in their savings account think they should be with a wealthy individual; what you desire, you should certainly try, hard, to be. My main point, though, is this: FOLKS WHO LIKE THE “GOOD” IN LIFE KNOW HOW TO BE SATISFIED WITH LESS THAN PERFECTION. Just peep the definitions of good:
Good: righteous; satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree; right, proper, fit; well-behaved; kind, beneficent, or friendly; in good standing; educated or refined; financially sound or safe; genuine not counterfeit; sound or valid; reliable, dependable, responsible; healthful; beneficial; comfortable; pleasant; free from distress or pain; attractive; competent; socially proper; remaining available to one (whew!); satisfactory for the purpose
Instead of being out here waiting for the perfect man — eh hem, when you yourself are not perfect — why not a good one? Does he have to be fine as hell or can he be “attractive”? Does he have to have millions (good luck) or can he be “financially sound”? Does he need to have a PhD or can he be “educated” (and there are a lot of ways to be that way)? After all, all of the words in quotes, they define what it means to be good and again, you’re not perfect…why not be intentional about being a good woman, so that you can connect with a good man?
Why isn’t that GOOD ENOUGH for you? Is your perfectionism tripping you up?
And listen, how truly awesome is it that the last two definitions that I listed for good are as, well, good as they are? If you have a man with an exclusive mindset (he is available to one) and you know what purpose a relationship is to serve in your life (do you?!) — a man who checks those boxes…shouldn’t you be completely satisfied with that? A kind, friendly, dependable, reliable man who you feel comfortable around who is righteous and genuine? That’s a GOOD man right there. Why pass him by because you’d prefer (even if it’s subconsciously) to stress yourself out with standards of perfection? Y’all, don’t tell me that I ain’t preachin’ here. LOL.
Oh — and best believe that all of what I said about relationships can apply to virtually any area of your life. I promise you that if you are someone who is caught up in the unrealistic world of perfectionism, once you choose (because it is always a choice) to be satisfied and content in life, you start to desire what is far more attainable: GOOD — and when you get to that place, more times than not, you realize that good wasn’t merely “good enough;” it actually is what was the absolute BEST for you.
It is author and speaker Brené Brown who once said, “Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’ Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?’” She’s right and I can promise you that, the more content you become with yourself, the less you will care about perfectionism (including what others think) anyway.
After all of this, do you get how ridiculously counterproductive that way of life is…how, at the end of the day, it is never truly meant for your — well, GOOD.
Be good to yourself. Go for what is GOOD. It’s the best thing going. Guaranteed.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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