Ego is a hella hard battle to beat, sis. Every day can feel like our ego is being tried and tested. It's always ready to show out, and sometimes it's hard to hold her back. I think we can all agree, Ms. Ego is always ready to pop off. Did your roommate drink your apple juice? Ms. Ego wants to pop off. Co-worker threw shade in the Zoom meeting? Ms. Ego is trying to pop off. Did someone beat you to the last seat on the subway? Ms. Ego said, "It's. on. SIGHT." Whatever the situation is, Ms. Ego is a part of ourselves we are all trying to navigate.
I've found myself in many situations where I've gone head to head with my ego. I have to admit there were times when she would win. The battles I have lost to my ego I've always looked at as an opportunity for growth. One of the growing pains I've learned about ego is: We should not kill our ego. Why would we destroy something that is a part of us? We shouldn't shame our ego but instead, nurture it. We should look at our egos as a guide to our insecurities. The ego is a beautiful piece of ourselves that is continually transforming. One way I'm changing my ego is by learning how other successful women work through their egos.
I've had the pleasure of speaking with three amazing and successful women who have had to work through managing their egos in their home life, work-life, relationships, etc. Here are their strategies for how they put Ms. Ego to rest.
Building Community to Address Ego
Alechia Reese, Strategist & Co-host of 'Triggered AF'
Courtesy of Alechia Reese
"My ego appears the most when I'm triggered! I started a podcast called Triggered AF with my life coach and sister-friend, Dani Foster, to work through the things that trigger anger and frustrate me. It's necessary to know what activates your ego and also to learn how to manage it. I consider my ego to be my protector and worth-reminder, so it tries to run wild when those are threatened. In the podcast, we work through triggers together, providing invaluable insight to help us all grow.
"I don't believe in defeating my ego. Just as masculine doesn't work as well without feminine. My ego is necessary for sustenance. I don't defeat my ego. I bring her back to her baseline. "
"I'm a firm believer in moderation in all aspects of life. I began working on controlling my thoughts and conscious mind in my mid-20s. Your mind is the most powerful element behind our energetic spirits, so learning to leverage and use it for good was a personal focus of mind. I bring myself back to myself by creating a baseline for who I am, how I want to feel, and who I want to be. When I feel my ego stepping far past that equilibrium level, I mentally walk myself back - while also giving myself grace for when it's too late."
Fighting to Get What I Deserve
Aja Robinson, Global Sales Director for Fenty Beauty
Courtesy of Aja Robinson
"Growing up, anytime I shared an idea with my mother, she always cheered me on. One of the most memorable ideas I had as a kid---a third-grader, to be exact--- was that I wanted to go to Howard University. Not only was Howard a long way from home, as I grew up in Wichita, Kansas, tuition for this university would be costly for my middle-class upbringing. Despite the many reasons one could think of to deter a third-grader from this big idea, my mother was my biggest champion and eventually made sure I'd see this idea to fruition. Confidence was instilled in me at a young age; I would also say my ego was boosted in a healthy way.
"Many would say, leave your ego at the door when negotiating, but I knew I needed to approach the situation with a certain level of independence and self-centeredness. Speaking up for what you deserve can be so challenging."
"A time I leaned into my ego to work for me was the first time I negotiated a salary. My first experience with salary negotiations was my first job out of college. I worked in retail while in school, and upon graduation, I was offered a promotion into a new role. I was beyond thrilled about the opportunity, but the salary was not precisely what I was expecting or in line with the value I was already contributing to the business.
"Long story short, I went back to the owners of the company and negotiated a higher salary. They didn't give me exactly what I wanted, and that was OK because as I really enjoyed working for the company and probably would've taken the job regardless, but most importantly, I appreciated the fact that they listened and acknowledged my value to the organization. In this particular situation, I'd say there was a nice balance of ego and self-confidence."
Channeling Spirituality to Build Humility
Sade Solomon, Entrepreneur & Safe Space Creative
Courtesy of Sade Solomon
"The Holy Spirit has helped me defeat my ego! Here's the thing, there are a lot of the things I know I need to handle or overcome. I cannot do it in my strength. As a believer, I am super reliant on God's power to work through me because I cannot do it alone. If I had a choice, I wouldn't forgive anyone who has wronged me. I would be seeking out revenge right now! But I am reminded that God fights my battles, so I don't have to; I find strength in Him, to forgive. It is a journey because as long as we live: 'People will be people.' We will be wronged, hurt, talked about, and mishandled; we can't control what happens to us, only how we respond. The greatest strategy to defeating my ego is allowing God to help me.
"I have noticed a huge gap between who I think I am and how God has created me and views me. I haven't fully caught up to the depth of my worth in the eyes of God, but I am getting there. This gap is what I define as low self-confidence and worth."
"When God reads me and shows me a mirror of myself, that is a sure-fire way to calm my ego down. I don't think that I am always aware of being prideful or self-absorbed, even in my best attempt to be mindful. Interestingly, we think we know so much about ourselves until God shows us those ugly parts of us that we don't think are there. Hello, church!"
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Featured image courtesy of Sade Solomon
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From the day they met, food has always played a role in their relationship, and working together in the food industry is what we call a full circle moment. Learn more about Bryant and Daniella’s story of finding love with one another.
How they met.
Bryant: We met at a mutual clients’ house. She was doing the lady hair, and I was cooking for the lady. The client sent her downstairs to record me while I was cooking to, I guess, see what I was cooking, and I caught her recording, but we didn't talk. I caught her recording, we laughed it off, and she went about her day.
So I guess that was the first thing that made us interact with each other. A few months down the line, I think she posted something [on social media]. I hopped in her DM and responded to it, and then we decided to just meet up and hang out. I looked at her as an entrepreneur. I'm an entrepreneur. She don’t need nothing. I don’t need nothing. It's good to hang with people who don't need nothing from you.
When we linked up, our chemistry was just so soft and just so nice. She is a great person, but after meeting up with her [for the] first time, she went back to Miami. She came back [to Atlanta], and we just kicked it off that next weekend, and ever since then, we've been locked in.
Daniella: That same client had flew me back in so I knew I had to come up here for work. But I told him that we'll meet up and [go] on a date and see each other again. When that happened, everything else was history. It just happened organically. It wasn’t forced or anything.
Bryant and Daniella Williams
Courtesy
First impressions.
Bryant: I knew for a fact for her to come downstairs and try to record me, I knew that she was brave, and that said a lot about her, because I barely even talk when I'm cooking for my clients. So you have to talk to somebody for them to feel comfortable to play with you, or do certain things. I feel like the client sent her downstairs because she knew that she's an outspoken, bubbly type of person who don't mind laughing it off if she gets caught doing it.
When she came back to Atlanta, she booked me to cook for her family. So while I was cooking for her in the kitchen, the whole time she was in there talking to me. It was like a date in the kitchen, and I cooked her food. Once the food was laid out, I just left. We had a great conversation when I was cooking for her, and also when she came downstairs and tried to record me.
Daniella: I was impressed how he was multitasking because I was asking him deep, interesting questions, and he was cooking the food, and he was still answering my questions. But I was in a relationship at that time, so I wasn't really in tune. It was no emotions. But when I came back and flew in to work, we met with each other.
He came and picked me up from the hotel and we drove around Atlanta, sightseeing. We went to the African club. So when he came downstairs, I was like okay, you not gonna hug me, you not gonna say nothing? He was shocked and we stayed together for like eight or nine hours, and he took me back to the hotel. I think he picked me up around nine at night. He took me back to the hotel around seven in the morning. Then he walked me to my hotel door. He gave me a hug and he gave me a kiss and said, 'I love you.' And I was like, what?
We stayed together for like eight or nine hours, and he took me back to the hotel. I think he picked me up around nine at night. He took me back to the hotel around seven in the morning. Then he walked me to my hotel door. He gave me a hug and he gave me a kiss and said, 'I love you.' And I was like, what?
The one.
Daniella: When we first linked up, he took me around Atlanta. He was soft and gentle. He was a gentleman. He opened the door for me and I never had nobody open the door. He opened the door every single time I was going in and getting out the car, and when we went to that restaurant. I was like, [there’s] something about him, and he was just nice, calm and patient. So I knew he was a little different from what I'm used to.
Bryant: [I knew she was the one by] how she cared so much. She didn't really know me like that. She knew of me, but she cared so much about me. When we first met, she would lay on me and just relax. For someone who just wants to relax on you, that says a lot about them towards you. It wasn't like I had to prove myself and she didn’t have to prove herself with me either. It wasn't nothing like that. We were willing to take whatever came with it. But it just was really a break. It was like the best me meeting a woman because I didn't try.
Any other woman, I might be trying to dress up, take her to this place, I did not try at all. I picked her up and I actually thought that she wasn't gonna go on the date with me because of her status and my status. I'm such a laid back homey dude and she's from Miami. I thought she would be on the City Girls, you gotta do this, do that. But she wasn't. She was the total opposite. She was a homebody, chill, like me.
Bryant and Daniella Williams
Courtesy
Marriage advice for couples.
Bryant: Work together. Communication, put your mind together.
Daniella: And keep your family out your business.
Bryant: Keep it private please. Y'all work it out first. When y'all make sure it's solidified, then you tell them, or let them find out on their own. Privacy is the most valuable thing.
Daniella: And date each other because people get married and they stop doing the things that they did to get you, or stop doing the things that they did while they were in a relationship with you, before y'all got married. No, do the same thing. For me, I get bored easy, and I think he knows that. So just keep it spicy. Keep it interesting.
Bryant: We like spontaneous stuff like last-minute trips, trying different foods, going out the country just off a spur of a moment. You gotta make it fun. Don't just make it all business. And I think one person out of the relationship needs to take the initiative to make sure their partner is relaxing and at peace. A lot of people carry functional depression to where they’re functional, like we're doing this right now, but they can be going through something.
I don't think it's male or female. I think whichever one, the other partner should notice it and work with their partner to get through whatever they get through, like, for postpartum depression and stuff. That's something that most men don't even really know exist, but that's something when she had our daughter, I had an anti-postpartum depression plan put in place for her. She didn't know about it, but I knew I was gonna be extra sweet to her.
She won't have to think about doing nothing with the little baby. My little girl was watching the football game with me, when she was a few weeks old, because I was giving her that peace, so she can just relax, because her body has been through so much. So you got to be considerate of your mate's mental state and their mental well-being, because when it's gone, it's gone and it takes a lot to get it back, so I think that's important.
When she had our daughter, I had an anti-postpartum depression plan put in place for her. She didn't know about it, but I knew I was gonna be extra sweet to her. She won't have to think about doing nothing with the little baby. My little girl was watching the football game with me, when she was a few weeks old, because I was giving her that peace, so she can just relax, because her body has been through so much.
If you see something not right with your spouse, help them get help. It's okay for them to talk to a therapist by themselves, or it's okay for them to talk to somebody, but don't just sit there and let them go into this decline and self-destruction. I think that's the most important, because sometimes she be overwhelmed, and I have to be that person to hold her up. And then sometimes I'm overwhelmed. To her, baby, I don't want to do this no more. She's like, you gonna do this. We gonna do this. And she reminds me who I am. I remind her who she is, and we come back feeling more motivated.
Daniella: I think business owners should date business owners because they understand your hustle, your hunger. They understand when you can have a day where you make $0 and you have a day when you make $1,000. But I feel like if you dating someone who is in corporate America, and you a business owner, there's going to be a lot of friction, a lot of tension, and I just feel like I want to date someone that has the same drive as me.
Because I don't want to feel like I'm trying to build a bear, build a man, and I have to pull you and drag you, or just being with somebody who got they self together. For instance, my last relationship. I won't say I was the breadwinner, but I was kind of established, and I felt like I was sleeping with the enemy. I was growing fast and I wasn't stagnant. I was trying to get to the next level. He started to be jealous of me and I feel like a lot of women deal with men trying to be jealous of them. Men also have ego issues where they don't really want their woman making a certain amount of money or making more money than them.
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