3 Strategies These Confident Black Women Are Using To Overcome Their Ego
Ego is a hella hard battle to beat, sis. Every day can feel like our ego is being tried and tested. It's always ready to show out, and sometimes it's hard to hold her back. I think we can all agree, Ms. Ego is always ready to pop off. Did your roommate drink your apple juice? Ms. Ego wants to pop off. Co-worker threw shade in the Zoom meeting? Ms. Ego is trying to pop off. Did someone beat you to the last seat on the subway? Ms. Ego said, "It's. on. SIGHT." Whatever the situation is, Ms. Ego is a part of ourselves we are all trying to navigate.
I've found myself in many situations where I've gone head to head with my ego. I have to admit there were times when she would win. The battles I have lost to my ego I've always looked at as an opportunity for growth. One of the growing pains I've learned about ego is: We should not kill our ego. Why would we destroy something that is a part of us? We shouldn't shame our ego but instead, nurture it. We should look at our egos as a guide to our insecurities. The ego is a beautiful piece of ourselves that is continually transforming. One way I'm changing my ego is by learning how other successful women work through their egos.
I've had the pleasure of speaking with three amazing and successful women who have had to work through managing their egos in their home life, work-life, relationships, etc. Here are their strategies for how they put Ms. Ego to rest.
Building Community to Address Ego
Alechia Reese, Strategist & Co-host of 'Triggered AF'
Courtesy of Alechia Reese
"My ego appears the most when I'm triggered! I started a podcast called Triggered AF with my life coach and sister-friend, Dani Foster, to work through the things that trigger anger and frustrate me. It's necessary to know what activates your ego and also to learn how to manage it. I consider my ego to be my protector and worth-reminder, so it tries to run wild when those are threatened. In the podcast, we work through triggers together, providing invaluable insight to help us all grow.
"I don't believe in defeating my ego. Just as masculine doesn't work as well without feminine. My ego is necessary for sustenance. I don't defeat my ego. I bring her back to her baseline. "
"I'm a firm believer in moderation in all aspects of life. I began working on controlling my thoughts and conscious mind in my mid-20s. Your mind is the most powerful element behind our energetic spirits, so learning to leverage and use it for good was a personal focus of mind. I bring myself back to myself by creating a baseline for who I am, how I want to feel, and who I want to be. When I feel my ego stepping far past that equilibrium level, I mentally walk myself back - while also giving myself grace for when it's too late."
Fighting to Get What I Deserve
Aja Robinson, Global Sales Director for Fenty Beauty
Courtesy of Aja Robinson
"Growing up, anytime I shared an idea with my mother, she always cheered me on. One of the most memorable ideas I had as a kid---a third-grader, to be exact--- was that I wanted to go to Howard University. Not only was Howard a long way from home, as I grew up in Wichita, Kansas, tuition for this university would be costly for my middle-class upbringing. Despite the many reasons one could think of to deter a third-grader from this big idea, my mother was my biggest champion and eventually made sure I'd see this idea to fruition. Confidence was instilled in me at a young age; I would also say my ego was boosted in a healthy way.
"Many would say, leave your ego at the door when negotiating, but I knew I needed to approach the situation with a certain level of independence and self-centeredness. Speaking up for what you deserve can be so challenging."
"A time I leaned into my ego to work for me was the first time I negotiated a salary. My first experience with salary negotiations was my first job out of college. I worked in retail while in school, and upon graduation, I was offered a promotion into a new role. I was beyond thrilled about the opportunity, but the salary was not precisely what I was expecting or in line with the value I was already contributing to the business.
"Long story short, I went back to the owners of the company and negotiated a higher salary. They didn't give me exactly what I wanted, and that was OK because as I really enjoyed working for the company and probably would've taken the job regardless, but most importantly, I appreciated the fact that they listened and acknowledged my value to the organization. In this particular situation, I'd say there was a nice balance of ego and self-confidence."
Channeling Spirituality to Build Humility
Sade Solomon, Entrepreneur & Safe Space Creative
Courtesy of Sade Solomon
"The Holy Spirit has helped me defeat my ego! Here's the thing, there are a lot of the things I know I need to handle or overcome. I cannot do it in my strength. As a believer, I am super reliant on God's power to work through me because I cannot do it alone. If I had a choice, I wouldn't forgive anyone who has wronged me. I would be seeking out revenge right now! But I am reminded that God fights my battles, so I don't have to; I find strength in Him, to forgive. It is a journey because as long as we live: 'People will be people.' We will be wronged, hurt, talked about, and mishandled; we can't control what happens to us, only how we respond. The greatest strategy to defeating my ego is allowing God to help me.
"I have noticed a huge gap between who I think I am and how God has created me and views me. I haven't fully caught up to the depth of my worth in the eyes of God, but I am getting there. This gap is what I define as low self-confidence and worth."
"When God reads me and shows me a mirror of myself, that is a sure-fire way to calm my ego down. I don't think that I am always aware of being prideful or self-absorbed, even in my best attempt to be mindful. Interestingly, we think we know so much about ourselves until God shows us those ugly parts of us that we don't think are there. Hello, church!"
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Featured image courtesy of Sade Solomon
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I think we all can agree that social media really is a double-edged sword. What I mean by that is there is just as much bad that can come out of it as good. At the end of the day, it really is about 1) having your own mind, 2) finding balance when it comes to how much time you spend online, and 3) doing your own research instead of taking random people’s opinions as the gospel (i.e., facts).
Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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Featured image by Juan Moyano/Getty Images