Back when I used to write devotionals three days a week (I did that for over 20 years, by the way), it was wild that, over time, far more than Christians were on the subscription list. Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, folks who were even agnostic and atheist were subscribed. There are various reasons why yet something that I have always said to people who have no interest in following the Bible is, even if it ultimately played out that everything in it was fictional, the Good Book still offers up some great “morals to the story” and food for thought that pretty much all walks of life can benefit from (which is why I enjoy reading books from other faiths myself).
I think that’s why it’s so easy for me to incorporate a lot of Scripture even in my “secular” writings — because again, even if the Bible isn’t your thing, there are still some takeaways that you can benefit from…so long as you remain open-minded and willing.
Take today’s message, for example. Whether you believe that the world started in the Garden of Eden with Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:23 & 3:20) in it or not, there are all kinds of lessons in there; one, in particular, that I share with my clients (who also come from all walks of life) often. One that, almost every single one of them has found an immense sense of relief and freedom for themselves once they took it all in.
One that, if you’re someone who is a self-professed perfectionist or you simply know that you’ve got some pretty unrealistic expectations in a certain area (or some areas) of your life, hopefully, what I’m about to share can give you some peace of mind too.
Ready? Gather your imagination together and let’s stroll through a garden for a moment.
One of the Most Missed Points About the Garden of Eden. Hands Down
GiphyPeople who know me know that there is no question that my favorite place in the Bible is the first two chapters of Genesis. The reason why is because that is the only place where perfection is recorded and so, to me, that is the blueprint for how those of us who follow the Bible are to live our lives. For the sake of your time and my space, I can’t get into all of the gems that are at the beginning of Genesis.
Today, if you have a Bible (you can also go toBible Gateway if you don’t), go to the first chapter and tell me what you see when you read about light in verse 4; when God separated the land from the water in verse 9; when seeds, herbs, and fruits manifested in verse 12; when the day and night were separated in verse 18; when sea creatures and birds were created in verse 21, and when other animals came forth in verse 25.
At the end of each verse, what adjective is used to define what God had done: GOOD, right? And then, once humans were made, at the end of all creation, verse 31 says that God saw things to be VERY GOOD.
Good. Theologians believe that the original language of Scripture is Hebrew andthe Hebrew word for good is “tov” which basically means “functional.” Functional means “capable of serving the purpose for which it was designed.” So, according to Scripture, only in Genesis 1-2 are we seeing the world in the way that it was created to function. This means that prior to sin, things were functional. Now, things are dysfunctional.
If that isn’t a sermon unto itself, what I really want you to zero in on is the fact that even in a state of perfection, the word “perfect” was never used — good was. My theory is that because God is all-knowing and he knew that the Woman and then Adam (yes, in that order) were going to show all the way out, he didn’t want to go with the word “perfect.” However, even after all of the tree drama and sin entered into the earth (Genesis 3), guess what things could still be? GOOD.
Perfect means things like “excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement,” “entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings,” “matching in every detail the definition of an ideal type of something,” “thorough or complete; absolute” and “pure” — a lofty standard indeed. Yet again, even in the state of things being perfect, Scripture says that God preferred to go with the word “good” to describe what he had done.
Is good a lot? It is. Yet is it less stressful than perfect? 1000 percent. So, tell me something: If in the state of (biblical) perfection, when things were as functional as can be, since even God himself didn’t state that things were perfect (again, because I think he knew that sin was coming!), why, when things can’t get more dysfunctional in society and culture, on a billion different levels, than they are right now, are you stressing yourself out to not be content, satisfied, at peace with reaching the goal of good?
Why isn’t GOOD…good enough?
Why Perfectionism Works Against Not for You
GiphyAlthough it probably seems obvious that this would be an ideal read for people who are self-professed perfectionists, the reason why I think that everyone should at least skim it is that some folks are perfectionists-in-denial — and it’s mostly because they aren’t aware of whatsome of the traits are that come with actually being one. I’ll share seven:
- Perfectionists have unrealistic standards and expectations
- Perfectionists do a lot of things with fear (of failure) as their motivation
- Perfectionists tend to be big-time procrastinators (due to the whole fear of failure thing)
- Perfectionists are unteachable and quite defensive
- Perfectionists are inflexible and have an all-or-nothing kind of attitude
- Perfectionists are hella critical
- Perfectionists oftentimes have low levels of self-esteem that they mask
Okay, so now that you’re taking all of this in, are there certain points that you’re able to personally resonate with? With your friendships, do you have unrealistic expectations? In your relationships, are you inflexible? At work, are you a procrastinator or perhaps super critical of other people? If you’re nodding your head “yes,” all the while saying to yourself, “I mean, what’s wrong with that?” — two points.
One, Ionce read an article that featured a study about how coworkers absolutely prefer to not work with perfectionists. The reason why is that many individuals find them to be draining, pressuring, and full of unrealistic expectations. Something that I also found to be interesting about the read is perfectionists tend to live in what is known as “the tyranny of should” which reminds me of something that a friend of mine often says: “’Should’ is how a person decides how they think things should be that usually based on their own ego; not everything should be a certain way just because you decide that it…well, should.”
Adding to that, the article goes on to share that perfectionism is tied to stress, mental health challenges, eating disorders, and plain ole’ burnout. Know what else? It’s due to perfectionism that many remain stagnant or quit things that they’ve started. What could possibly be good about that?
Second point: perfectionists have a tendency to not be able to take what they dish out. What I mean by that is, while they oftentimes extend very little mercy or grace to others when it comes to how they think that things should be or should go, whenever they mess up, here come all of the excuses and justifications. Why? Because they are so caught up in wanting things to look flawless (when it comes to themselves) they will dodge accountability and gaslight in order to keep the façade of their own perfection going. What is good about that?
Adding to all of this, another article that I read on perfectionism said that it can cause people to feel very self-defeated, simply due to the fact that their own high goals can be overwhelming and so, “By avoiding mistakes at any cost, a perfectionist can make it harder to reach their own lofty goals.” What in the entire world is good about that?
Gee, I don’t know about you but the more that I read about trying to be perfect, not only does the outcome not even come close to being perfect, there’s not much good that comes from it either.
So, now that you see all of this, does the title of this piece make more sense to you? Why strive for perfection when strive means things like “to contend in opposition, battle, or any conflict” and to fight or struggle? Why not go a bit easier on and be realistic with yourself and aim for “good” instead — because to me, good is where it’s totally at.
Why Good, Not Perfect, Is Actually Best
GiphySince I write mostly in the relationship lane, let me start to bring all of this home with a relationship goals example. I’ve shared before that, personally, very few things irk me more than when someone says that they are “waiting on their fairy tale” (insert a million eye rolls here).
Fairy tales aren’t real. Fairy tales, by definition, are stories for children. Plus, those who are on some “I want the princess treatment” — princesses are the daughters of fathers; in a relationship, a queen is the wife of a man — a king and she has a lot more responsibilities than a princess does (another message for another time, chile — Proverbs 12:4). So, already, just putting that kind of energy and mindset out into the universe, you are being unrealistic. I’ll keep adding on to all of this, though.
Now say that in your fairy tale, you want a 2.0 version of a 6-6-6 guy (check out “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”). He’s got to have six figures, be at least 6’ feet tall (only 15 percent of men in America are that, by the way) and his package must be no less than 6.” Plus, he should be the kind of man who causes mouths to drop whenever he enters the room and, somehow, he should be hella ambitious and yet can be available for your every beck and call (that’s not really how ambition works, but…). In your mind, it’s a standard — oh, but is it really? Looks to me more like you are one hell of a (relational) perfectionist.
First of all, don’t even get me started on how many people who barely have $300 in their savings account think they should be with a wealthy individual; what you desire, you should certainly try, hard, to be. My main point, though, is this: FOLKS WHO LIKE THE “GOOD” IN LIFE KNOW HOW TO BE SATISFIED WITH LESS THAN PERFECTION. Just peep the definitions of good:
Good: righteous; satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree; right, proper, fit; well-behaved; kind, beneficent, or friendly; in good standing; educated or refined; financially sound or safe; genuine not counterfeit; sound or valid; reliable, dependable, responsible; healthful; beneficial; comfortable; pleasant; free from distress or pain; attractive; competent; socially proper; remaining available to one (whew!); satisfactory for the purpose
Instead of being out here waiting for the perfect man — eh hem, when you yourself are not perfect — why not a good one? Does he have to be fine as hell or can he be “attractive”? Does he have to have millions (good luck) or can he be “financially sound”? Does he need to have a PhD or can he be “educated” (and there are a lot of ways to be that way)? After all, all of the words in quotes, they define what it means to be good and again, you’re not perfect…why not be intentional about being a good woman, so that you can connect with a good man?
Why isn’t that GOOD ENOUGH for you? Is your perfectionism tripping you up?
And listen, how truly awesome is it that the last two definitions that I listed for good are as, well, good as they are? If you have a man with an exclusive mindset (he is available to one) and you know what purpose a relationship is to serve in your life (do you?!) — a man who checks those boxes…shouldn’t you be completely satisfied with that? A kind, friendly, dependable, reliable man who you feel comfortable around who is righteous and genuine? That’s a GOOD man right there. Why pass him by because you’d prefer (even if it’s subconsciously) to stress yourself out with standards of perfection? Y’all, don’t tell me that I ain’t preachin’ here. LOL.
Oh — and best believe that all of what I said about relationships can apply to virtually any area of your life. I promise you that if you are someone who is caught up in the unrealistic world of perfectionism, once you choose (because it is always a choice) to be satisfied and content in life, you start to desire what is far more attainable: GOOD — and when you get to that place, more times than not, you realize that good wasn’t merely “good enough;” it actually is what was the absolute BEST for you.
It is author and speaker Brené Brown who once said, “Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’ Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?’” She’s right and I can promise you that, the more content you become with yourself, the less you will care about perfectionism (including what others think) anyway.
After all of this, do you get how ridiculously counterproductive that way of life is…how, at the end of the day, it is never truly meant for your — well, GOOD.
Be good to yourself. Go for what is GOOD. It’s the best thing going. Guaranteed.
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Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
'It's Not All In Your Head': How Four Black Women Finally Got The Answers They Needed About Fibroids
If someone had told me I’d be working toward my third fibroid surgery in less than six years, I would have had a hard time believing them. First, because obviously, no one wants to ever hear the word "surgery" (unless it’s cosmetic surgery you’re opting for). But the more significant reason is I’d never heard any of the women in my life talk about fibroids, so the idea of having all of the complex issues because of them, on top of surgeries, was truly a foreign concept.
After my doctor told me I’d need a second surgery in March of 2023—a hysteroscopic myomectomy—after bleeding every day for over six months, I was over it. Not just over the symptoms. But I was done feeling siloed on an island dealing with the pain, feeling tired all the time, and the heaviness of what felt like endless trips to the doctor for ultrasounds, blood transfusions, blood count checks, MRIs, etc.
I would try to explain what I was feeling, and my pain was written off because I guess period pain is just supposed to be normal. I’m here to tell you it is not. And because we’ve been conditioned to just deal, that’s the way things should stay. Yeah, no.
What is a hysteroscopic myomectomy? Hysteroscopic myomectomy is the most minimally invasive procedure to treat fibroids. A surgeon removes fibroids by inserting a hysteroscope into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix.
So, I wrote and directed an animated short film to bring educational and entertainment value to helping the world learn about fibroids. With $25,000 of my own money, I went forth and made the film titled Super High: A Period Piece. Now, it’s making its rounds on the festival circuit, even gaining entry into two Oscar-qualifying festivals: the Chicago International Film Festival and the New Orleans Film Festival. We even won Best Narrative Short at the Morehouse Human Rights Film Festival in Atlanta.
As I was venturing onto the festival circuit, my editor asked me to write a piece highlighting the experiences of Black women with fibroids. Initially, I planned to highlight up to 15 stories. However, as I started working on this story, I thought hearing the experiences more in-depth would be equally impactful. So, we chatted with four women about their fibroid journeys.
The one thing we all had in common, which made me sad but also made me feel seen, was that none of us knew much about them beforehand. However, our willingness to openly share our stories will hopefully change that for many women now and beyond.
Keep reading for four women’s stories about their journey with fibroids.
Rosco Spears, artist and creative director
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them?
Before my journey with fibroids, I didn't know much about them. I'd never heard of fibroids until women around me started getting diagnosed. I was dealing with heavy, painful periods long before I was privy to any of these diagnoses.
Shortly before I was officially diagnosed with having fibroids (2012), I learned that my sister and other women in my family also had fibroids. As I've grown older, I've learned that my three sisters, many cousins, aunts, etc, have also had fibroids. It's simply an issue that was never discussed.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
I found out that I had fibroids while living in NYC. I was fed up with the pain and discomfort from my period, so I shopped around until I got an answer that I thought made sense. I met a wonderful woman doctor who finally diagnosed me, and she offered me several options for easing the discomfort. During this time, I would often bleed between periods.
In 2013, one of my "in-between" moments was more than the spotting that I was used to, so I took myself to the emergency [room]. I learned that my hemoglobin [levels] were at seven, and the doctors wouldn't let me leave the hospital without getting a blood transfusion. They also highly recommended that I get surgery to remove the fibroids. Once I officially got the diagnosis, it was scary, but it also felt amazing to know that I could begin planning a path forward.
What are hemoglobin levels? To ensure adequate tissue oxygenation—a very important complex dance between the lungs, blood, and cardiovascular system—a sufficient hemoglobin level has to be maintained. The normal Hb level for women is 12 to 16 g/dl. Low hemoglobin levels mean your body isn’t getting enough oxygen, which is why you feel very tired and weak.
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
I've had two abdominal myomectomies, one in 2013 (16 fibroids were removed) and another in 2020 (51 fibroids were removed). I was nervous about the idea of being cut open during the myomectomy, but I didn't think that the outcome could be any worse than the pain that I was already dealing with. Both surgeries went just as planned (aside from the 2nd surgery being rescheduled due to COVID-19), and my recovery from both was amazing.
In 2013, I was a bit unhinged. I went location scouting for a photo shoot for The Lip Bar three days after I got home from the hospital. My family was very upset, but I honestly felt fine. I had some abdominal pain, but within two weeks, I was back in the studio on my feet all day. After my second surgery, the plan was to try and have a child shortly after recovery. I took my time with healing and did things according to the book.
What is a myomectomy? A myomectomy is surgery to remove uterine fibroids. There are several types of myomectomies, but the procedure you and your doctor decide is right for you will depend on factors like location, number, and size of your fibroids.
How did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
I felt/feel amazing post-treatment! For about 2-3 years after both surgeries, my periods were much lighter, and the pain was light [and] much more bearable than it was with the fibroids. My quality of life is much different post-surgery.
There have been years [when] I simply did not have any energy while I was on my period. The most I could do was get up to go to the bathroom and get right back in bed. Or I'd have to carry a change of clothes with me when traveling to work because I couldn't afford to take off during my period, but I knew that at some point, I would bleed through everything. So, in that regard, life is beautiful. I'm no longer passing out, nor do I feel the need to bring an extra set of pants along on the ride.
While my quality of life has improved tremendously, I often joke and say that I have PTSD from having bad periods. What I mean is that I still check my pants often when I'm on my period. And I still get anxiety if I'm in public and I'm on day two or three of my period because who knows if it is just a little blood that I feel coming down or it's a huge clot that's going to ruin my pants. And I still know better than to try and wash my hair on my heavy days because there isn't enough energy to do both.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
You got this, sis! It's a difficult journey, but please seek advice from other women on the journey. If one doctor is not giving you sufficient information, find a new doctor. Make sure you're exploring all of the options for fibroid removal/shrinking treatments [because] it is not one size fits all. And take your iron supplements, boo.
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
Oh God, if I could pay women to share their fibroid stories, I would. It's imperative that we talk with one another about our experiences in health. I shared my fibroid story years ago because I was so lost when I was on my journey. One of my sisters had the surgery before I did, but other than her, I didn't have anyone to talk to about fibroids.
I felt very alone, isolated, and somewhat embarrassed because it felt like this wasn't happening to anyone else around me. It makes a world of difference when you can talk with someone about an issue they are also facing. We will learn a lot more by discussing shared experiences—much of which you cannot learn from talking to your doctor or Google.
La-Anna Douglas, women’s advocate and motivational speaker
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them?
Being someone who started my period at the age of 10, I was in the dark when it pertained to fibroids and other reproductive health issues. I had never heard of fibroids, and I didn’t know that the pain I was experiencing, along with fertility delays, was because of the fibroids sitting in between my two uteruses. The pelvic pain, excruciating periods, fatigue, and protruding belly to someone else would have been a dead giveaway. But I had no idea what was going on with my body. I also did not know of anyone in my family dealing with fibroids.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
I was diagnosed with fibroids by a reproductive endocrinologist [and] was finally properly diagnosed after suffering for 16 years. I finally found a doctor willing to listen to my concerns and, most of all, believed that I wasn’t making it up. She scheduled me for a thorough examination, and I was soon scheduled for laparoscopic surgery. I was diagnosed with three fibroids, endometriosis, and a uterus didelphys (two uteruses and two cervixes).
Uterus didelphys is a rare congenital condition where you're born with two uteruses. It's commonly called a double uterus.
Again, I was misdiagnosed for years, and my pain was minimized. I was labeled as the girl with bad periods. I would have cramps for 3-4 days on my left side of my belly and then cramps for 3-4 days on my right. In actuality, I was having two periods from two different uteruses with three fibroids pressing on my wombs with endometriosis wrapped around my fallopian tubes and my uterus. When I heard all of the different diagnoses, I was angry, overwhelmed, scared, and confused. But the worst thing is that I was unprepared mentally and emotionally for the diagnosis and the journey ahead.
"I was misdiagnosed for years, and my pain was minimized. I was labeled as the girl with bad periods. In actuality, I was having two periods from two different uteruses with three fibroids pressing on my wombs with endometriosis wrapped around my fallopian tubes and my uterus."
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
I was told not to worry about removing the fibroids surgically after being diagnosed in my 20s back in 2008. But in 2020, during the pandemic, my pain started to escalate again. So, I was scheduled for an ultrasound, an MRI, and then a double-balloon procedure. I was told that my fibroids had grown and they were contributing to the secondary infertility I was experiencing. My doctor gave me two options. Would I rather have a hysterectomy?
I had already gone through 30 years of horrible periods, eight years of infertility [and] finally having a miracle baby in 2013 by God’s grace, and I had already gone through multiple procedures. Or I could do the robotic laparoscopic myomectomy, where they would remove the fibroids and open my two cervixes by also doing a hysteroscopy. At first, [I] wanted to do a hysterectomy, but [after] talking to my family and praying about it, I decided on having the robotic laparoscopic myomectomy. I was a little nervous but knew I was in good hands.
What is a laparoscopic myomectomy? A laparoscopic myomectomy is a minimally invasive procedure to remove uterine fibroids. A surgeon makes four tiny incisions in your abdomen and then uses a laparoscope, which is a special instrument that contains a light and video camera, to operate through the incisions.
How did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
Post-treatment, I felt relieved and grateful. The healing journey was okay. I had a lot of support from my family, especially my husband. After the healing, [I am] loving on my body because the many scars on my belly are my beauty marks. I started to get more confident in who I was. The doctor who did the robotic laparoscopic myomectomy believed that I would get pregnant again.
Well, six months after the surgery, I became pregnant with our second miracle baby girl after eight years of secondary infertility at the age of 40. And to think, [had] I decided on the hysterectomy, she would not be here. Our surprise baby has brought so much happiness to our family.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
For anyone just beginning their fibroid journey, my advice would be to advocate for yourself no matter what the diagnosis may be. Your voice matters, and you control your narrative. If the doctor is not listening to you or your concerns, you have every right to seek a second, third, fourth, or as many opinions as you wish until you are heard and properly cared for. KNOW YOUR WORTH!
[And,] to always love on yourself through the journey with fibroids and anything else you may be going through. YOU ARE ENOUGH. The physical scars and the invisible scars are your beauty marks. And share with others how you are feeling and what you are going through. Please do not suffer in silence!
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
It is so important that we share our journey with fibroids because there is power in supportive stories. We all must realize that we are not alone. There are so many of us who have similar situations going on or may be feeling the same feelings you may be feeling.
Sharing your story also helps to heal those hurts that happen on the road to diagnosis. Healing taps into the strength that has been lying dormant inside of us, and when that strength is ignited, there is nothing that can stop you from advocating for yourself and others who begin to share their stories with you.
Dawn Heels, award-winning fibroid advocate and campaigner
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them?
I knew absolutely nothing about fibroids apart from the fact that my mum had one (she found out when she was pregnant with me), but even with this information, she didn't know anything about them.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
I had always suffered [from] extremely heavy, painful periods. I thought [this] was normal, [so] I didn't link it to the fact that something could be wrong with me. I first discovered I had fibroids after experiencing constant pain in the left-hand side of my abdomen in 2016. During an ultrasound scan, I was told I had 2 x 4 cm fibroids by the sonographer.
Two types of ultrasound scan can be used to help diagnose fibroids: an abdominal ultrasound scan – where the ultrasound probe is moved over the outside of your tummy (abdomen) a transvaginal ultrasound scan – where a small ultrasound probe is inserted into your vagina.
I hadn’t a clue what they were, and when I went back to see my doctor, he told me that I had nothing to worry about because fibroids were common, normal, and I should deal with any pain with a hot water bottle and ibuprofen. And because he told me I had nothing to worry about, at that moment, I didn’t worry.
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
Over the next six years, my pain and suffering got worse. I displayed horrendous fibroid symptoms: bum cheek pain, leg pain, painful, heavy, clotty periods, lower back pain, extreme pain, abdominal/pelvic pain, early pregnancy symptoms, tiredness, ‘preggo belly,’ painful sex, long periods and was infertile. I finally saw a consultant who changed my life, as he was the first person to listen to me and put a plan in place.
"He transvaginally scanned me and told me I actually had at least six fibroids, the biggest being the size of a grapefruit, and with that, I would have to have an open myomectomy."
He transvaginally scanned me and told me I actually had at least six fibroids, the biggest being the size of a grapefruit, and with that, I would have to have an open myomectomy. I cried so many tears because I thought if I was to ever have an operation that resembled the C-section, I would be giving birth to a baby, not tumors! The operation was a success, and he removed 16 fibroids and left 2 in to give me a chance at conceiving. I lost a lot of blood and had an emergency blood transfusion one week later.
After eight weeks of healing, I started to feel much better.
How did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
The open myomectomy gave me my life back—a good quality of life. I wasn’t in pain anymore. My periods were shorter and significantly lighter, and best of all, I fell pregnant six months after surgery!
What is an open myomectomy? An abdominal, or open, myomectomy removes fibroids through an incision in the abdomen, typically on the bikini line. The recovery time generally lasts up to six weeks.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
Educate yourself on the condition so you can guide the conversation and ask relevant questions when going into your consultations. Advocate for yourself, too! Too many of us will just agree to all sorts of nonsense just because the medical professional says so! You are the expert over your own body, so speak up!
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
I became an ‘accidental’ advocate because I shared my story. My inbox was inundated with messages from other ladies who had suffered or were currently suffering. That’s how powerful a share is.
Camille Austin, model and content creator
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them? For example, did you know what symptoms to look out for?
I did not know much, if not anything at all. So, I did not know what symptoms to look out for.
Did you know if anyone in your family had ever dealt with them?
Yes, my mother, but she was already going through menopause, so our symptoms did not seem comparable.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
[I went] to my primary care physician, who is also a WOC. She performed a pelvic exam, and when I told her about all of my symptoms, she thought it was fibroids. It took a while and [was] frankly [an] annoying process to finally get to an MRI where they found three fibroids, one the size of 15cm.
And how did you feel once you got the official diagnosis?
I felt relieved and scared—scared about what this meant about my fertility. [But,] relieved that I had answers and I was going to get better.
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
I had to have surgery due to the size [of my fibroid.] I had an open and laparoscopic procedure done and was on the table for eight hours. I did not initially trust my surgeon as she wanted to jump straight into a hysterectomy. Common practice says that the only way to stop them from ever coming back is through a hysterectomy, which I find to be a bit extreme. To me, it sounds like it's just under-researched, and not enough efforts are being made because this largely impacts WOC, but I digress.
"My surgeon thought because I'm so young, healthy, and strong, she did not put me on a hospital list, which gives another doctor the ability to treat me overnight should something happen. Well, something happened."
My surgeon thought because I'm so young, healthy, and strong, she did not put me on a hospital list, which gives another doctor the ability to treat me overnight should something happen. Well, something happened. I found out I'm allergic to Dilaudid (a common pain med). I broke out and had a third-degree chemical burn around my stomach from the adhesive, and my skin completely broke out. There was not a doctor available to give me even so much as a Benadryl to ease the discomfort. Nurses can't prescribe meds.
It wasn't until I threatened to leave the hospital—I got up and packed my bags—that I received a pink Benadryl pill after waiting for about 6 hours. About a week after I got home, I broke into a fever and was septic. I was rushed back to the hospital and had to spend an additional four days. In short, the healing process did not go according to plan.
After your difficult hospital experience and healing journey, how did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
After treatment, I felt so much better after everything was said and done. I would still get the surgery if I had to do it again. When I eventually healed, my periods were shorter. I could fit my clothes again, and I just had more energy to do things since I was not as anemic.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
[First,] push for that MRI sooner than later. If you catch them when they are small, you can look into non-invasive ways to get rid of them.
Make sure your doctor has a hospital list, and ask who will be in charge of taking care of you when your doctor is not around.
What does an MRI mean for fibroids? An MRI uses a magnetic field and radio waves to create computerized, 3D images of the uterus. These images can help your doctor decide which treatment is best for you and rule out other issues like adenomyosis and endometriosis.
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
I think it's important because we can all learn from each other, and this is not just becoming a "woman over 30" problem. According to my doctors, I was far too young, and due to my age, this was something that went unnoticed. Frankly, it should not have been a far stretch because I have fibroids in my breast tissue as well, but somehow, no correlation has been made.
So we have to press the issue, so hopefully, we can look into why this is happening to so many women and not allow a hysterectomy to be the first response.
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From Shrinking To Shining: Shelah Marie's Journey To Becoming Unapologetically ‘Unruly’
A significant part of becoming a woman is developing a deep understanding of who we truly are.
However, societal expectations to be kind, meek, and palatable often stifle our boldness before it fully emerges. For author, content creator, and women’s wellness influencer Shelah Marie, growing up as the only Black person in her household and often feeling pressured to shrink herself ultimately motivated her to embrace her most authentic, confident, and "unruly" self—the version she proudly embodies today.
Her upcoming book, Unruly: A Guide to Reclaiming Your True Self, serves as a guide for women on the journey of embracing their complexities and contradictions through radial forgiveness. A process that Shelah came to understand at an early age. “I had a crash course in identity politics growing up,” she tells xoNecole. After her parents divorced, her mother, who’s white and Cuban, remarried a white man, and they had a daughter together. This resulted in Shelah being raised in a predominately white household, prompting questions about her own identity.
“What I was starting to understand, in its infancy, were identity politics and how we perform race, gender, and ultimately perform who we are,” she says. “The good news is that I could pull from my acting background; the best actors don't perform for an audience, they perform authentically in front of an audience.” With this insight, Shelah combined her self-development journey with her creative path, showing other women the power of reclaiming their lost parts to unlock their main character energy.
Credit: Greg Castel
The concept of "main character energy" has become a popular colloquium, as it invites us to reflect on how we show up in our own lives. It’s the idea of taking charge of your own narrative, stepping into the spotlight, and living with authenticity and confidence as if you’re the protagonist of your story. For Shelah, coming into this energy came from the realization that she had been playing the role of a side character in her own life.
“A lot of women are socialized to be neat, to fit into a box, to be pleasant, to be polite, and ultimately, to think about others before we think about ourselves and how we affect everyone else,” she shares. “But sometimes that's at the expense of us being true to ourselves.”
This can manifest as internalized pressure to be "good"—to stay quiet, and avoid being too loud, too disruptive, or too opinionated. But this tendency to shrink ourselves for the comfort of others can mean that we don’t live fully or authentically, making the shift into main character energy tantamount to our growth.
But how do you tap into your main character energy? While Shelah shares that the process doesn’t happen overnight, committing to the journey of getting to know yourself on a deeper level and “becoming friends with yourself,” is the first step.
“Everybody you've ever been lives within you,” she explains. “Every time you have a major transition, you birth a new version of yourself that is able to exist in that transition, but those other versions don't disappear. They still stay in you.”
Shelah Marie 'Unruly'
"Everybody you've ever been lives within you. Every time you have a major transition, you birth a new version of yourself that is able to exist in that transition, but those other versions don't disappear."
When we begin to honor the complex parts of ourselves, observe them without judgment, and not view them as something “negative,” we can start to integrate those aspects into our lives more authentically.
“When I know these things, then I can direct them like a director,” she continues. “I can call the show and tell them to come on stage or exit. I can move them like an ensemble within myself.”
She adds, “It's not that I disown parts of myself, judge them, or think that they're bad and make them go away. No, it's just that we can work together for my highest good, as opposed to them begging for attention and causing me to act out in ways that are not productive.”
In recognizing that she was reenacting old narratives in her relationships, she realized she had been seeking validation and acceptance from places that were outside of herself. This moment of clarity empowered her to take control of her own self-worth, committing to doing whatever it took to heal the deepest relationship any of us can have with anyone: the one we have with ourselves.
Credit: Greg Castel
“What I learned is that I was looking for something that I can only give to myself,” she says. “I took it as a stance of power and this is an opportunity for me to never be in this situation quite like this again, and whatever I have to do to get there, I will do.”
While society often sends messages aimed at Black women to shrink their presence, Shelah hopes that readers of Unruly open themselves up to more possibilities and give themselves permission to grow beyond societal limitations. After all, “You get to choose.”
Unruly: A Guide to Reclaiming Your True Self is out on Oct. 22.
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Featured image by Greg Castel