
Let's Finally 'Spring Clean' ALL Of Our Exes Out Of Our Lives, Shall We?

It’s kind of wild that I’ve never really pondered why spring cleaning actually happens in the springtime. After I did some Googling, I realized that I probably never knew because (luckily) allergies aren’t something that I personally have to deal with. If that is something that happens to be your struggle, though, basically, it’s a good idea to do some serious cleaning up, in every room of your house, on the earlier side of the spring season; that way, you can get rid of dust and allergens that could make this time of year completely miserable (on the coughing, sneezing and watery eyes tip) for you.
And since spring cleaning consists of doing things like organizing stuff and — eh hem — getting rid of what’s no longer needed and also since this season coincides with spring fever (you know, when the extra sunlight, chirping birds, and warmer weather can sometimes put people in a more-than-usual mood to get into a relationship), I thought that this would be a great time to explore what it looks like to spring clean an ex — or all exes — if that is something that you’ve been seriously contemplating as of late.
Yeah, if organizing your feelings and removing what’s taking too much of your time are on your relational to-do list these days is important to you, let’s dive into what you can do to FINALLY “spring clean” your past loves out of your present life. You know, in my opinion, asking certain questions can reveal answers that will put you on the path to forward movement — and true freedom. So, let’s go over a few that I think can help you to achieve your ultimate goal now.
(By the way, I’m going to address this as if one ex is the issue, yet if there are more, please make all of this plural as you go along.)
WHY Is He Your Ex?
I can’t believe that it’s freakin’ six years ago this year that I went on what I call a Get Your Heart Pieces Back Tour. It was so personally impactful and significant that I actually wrote about it for the platform a few years back (check out “Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour”). The journey basically consisted of me reaching out to guys who I still felt things were unfinished with (at least on my end) in order to, well, finish them.
I was finally able to get my first love out of my system (listen, it’s not romantic to be so caught up in nostalgia that you find yourself emotionally stagnant while giving someone heart access to you who really doesn’t deserve it…the tour taught me that). I was also able to see the guy who I used to coin as “the one who got away” as the now-divorced guy who does some odd things to get back at women who do him wrong (not dangerous just…odd). He’s still fine as hell and just as super successful as I thought he would be — it’s just that the tour got me to see how/why it would’ve never worked out. Over and out. There were a couple of other guys who were more like super friendly sex partners (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex With A Friend” and “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) who I had a couple of questions for that I got answers too as well. And as a direct result of the tour, my heart is completely whole again, which is awesome. Clear on all-things-the-past feels…amazing. Empowering even.
All that from having a few conversations? Yep. Well, that and also getting serious with myself about why the exes were my exes to begin with. My first love? We always had a great connection and honestly, “first love bonding” aside, never formally or officially breaking up (not having a real conversation about ending things) was our main issue. Yet once I got real with myself about how we were somewhat trauma bonded, how his past poor choices left him an ultimate commitment-phobe (along with being someone who, at one point, slept with and impregnated the woman who hooked us up in the first place years after he and I broke up…she decided to tell me years later) and I accepted that, although he’s now a really great dad, I have no desire to be a step-mom (like AT ALL) — he’s an ex because our lives never were going in the same direction, past or present (“present” meaning the last time I checked which has been years ago at this point).
Whenever we bump into each other, it’s always all love but not IN love. And the one who got away? Timing never was nor ever will be right. Even when we reconnected and talked for almost eight hours straight on the first call, we knew that the chemistry was still there and strong — just not much else. Just like before. And so, once I sent him an email stating that I think I can move on and stop communicating but that I also wished him super well, and then when I heard years later that he got married for a second time, I was genuinely happy for him…because our chapter was fully closed.
A wise person once said that you can’t know your “what” until you deal with your “why.” And I can vouch from very up close and personal experience that once you are willing to remove your feelings out of the way long enough to address the WHY of why your ex is an ex, it will start to make handling these other questions a lot easier to do.
What Do You Miss About Him/the Relationship?
If you don’t get anything else out of this article, please — PLEASE — hear me loud and clear when I say this: SOMETIMES WHAT YOU THINK IS LOVE IS REALLY NOTHING MORE THAN GRIEF (check out “Why You Need To Grieve Your Past Relationship”). Take it from me, that when you miss someone or something about them, that can manifest in a way that makes you think that you still love them when really, you just need to be intentional about going through the five stages of grieving them — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — so that you can actually and finally let them go.
I mean, think about it. When you miss a person, doesn’t it often manifest as:
- Thinking about them a lot
- Feeling lonely without their presence
- Physical signs like sleeplessness, loss of appetite and maybe crying off and on
- Wanting to talk to them or tell them one last thing (for the umpteenth time)
- Longing for or even craving them
Yeah, those are some pretty powerful emotions. Problem is, one definition of miss is literally “to be unsuccessful.” Yes, you might miss them, but if the relationship was unsuccessful, you’ve got to be honest with yourself about that side of “miss” too.
So, the next step? Ask yourself what you miss about the relationship. Do you miss the sex at the expense of “forgetting” that the two of you were totally unsuccessful when it came to getting on the same page with communication? Do you miss being in a relationship on special occasions at the expense of “forgetting” that he never wanted anything more serious than what the two of you had established? Do you miss quirky little nuances about the two of you at the expense of “forgetting” that your needs were never fully met?
There are things about some of my exes that I’m always going to miss. However, on this side of healing, those things aren’t enough to reconnect, in an intimate way, ever again. The longing doesn’t trump the unsuccessfulness anymore. How about you?
Are You “Editing Out” Some Realities?
Did you know that there is a part of our brain that stores up memories to the point that, whenever we reflect on them, there are literal chemical reactions that will transpire? In fact, some medical professionals believe that some memories can actually "trigger" us into wanting to recreate what we're thinking about. For instance, an article on the topic that I read on Healthline's site (here) literally said that if memories of your first kiss were good, it could cause you to want to find someone to recreate that memory with as soon as possible (pretty wild, right?).
Keeping all of this in mind, doesn't it make perfect sense that good memories about your ex would cause you to want to talk to them, get close to them, and "recreate the good" with them? Here's the thing, though — if you're only thinking about the good, that means you're editing out the bad, and doing that could get you into some deep trouble.
So, when it comes to this particular question, get quiet, get still, and then do some journaling. In fact, go the old-school pros and cons list route and organize your memories by writing down what was good about the relationship on the left side and what wasn't so good on the right. When it comes to the not-so-good things, also jot down how those things made you feel.
I've got a friend who is back figuring things out with an ex as we speak, and this is something that she's doing. As she's remembering that although the good was really good, she also has to admit that the bad was awful. Yeah, you don't want to let your missing someone cause you to overlook why you left them alone in the first place (or how you felt when they up and left you). Besides, oftentimes, if the bad was super bad and they never apologized or tried to make amends (check out "Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made"), all you're doing is sending the message that they can treat you the same way without them experiencing any real consequences for their behavior — and that could actually end up making round two (or 10) so much worse.
Definitely, something to think about…
What Do You Feel Is Unresolved?
This question, while it might be difficult on the self-awareness and self-accountability tip, that doesn’t make it any less necessary to ask: when it comes to your ex, is something genuinely unresolved, or have you simply purposed in your mind to not let him and/or the relationship go, regardless of what he’s doing or what you know needs to be done? In other words, do you really need answers, or do you already have them, and you’re just in denial about the fact that you do?
Case in point. A few years ago, an ex of mine needed to get some things off of his chest. A damn near seven-hour conversation kind of irritated me because he kept asking me the same things, on a loop, that we had already discussed before. Personally, I don’t think that he was looking for resolve so much as he wanted me to feel like I didn’t make the best decision by ending things in the first place. (Chile…CHILE)
So yeah, this is an important question, too, because resolving matters is all about figuring out how to come to a DEFINITE DECISION as well as how — by literal definition of the word — BREAK THINGS UP. That said, if you know that you need to get rid of the feelings that are holding you back, what things do you need to discuss with your ex that will help to make that happen? Hmph, while we’re here, let me take it a step further and ask if you actually need their input in order to get the answers that you seek because, sometimes, being real with yourself is all the resolution that you need.
In Present Day, Would the Relationship Be a ‘Recycle’ or an ‘Upcycle’?
Most of us have heard the saying, “Your ex is an ex for a reason,” and while there is a lot of truth to that, I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least touch on the fact that sometimes getting back with an ex can actually work out. Sometimes things end, not due to a lack of love or even a solid connection — it’s just that both people need more time to do some processing and maturity separately before coming back together again.
So, with that said, be honest with yourself and really ponder if getting back with your ex would be a recycle or an upcycle. Now before you answer, I want you to think long and hard about the following definitions of both words first:
Recycle: to use again in the original form or with minimal alteration.
Upcycle: to process goods or materials so as to produce something that is often better than the original.
Do you see the difference? I’ll be honest, back in the day, a huge pattern that I used to stay in was recycling exes. I would get back involved with them, on some level, even though nothing about the dynamic had really changed. This meant that the good stuff remained good, and the BS remained the same ole’ BS. And honestly, that only proved to be 1) ultimately a total waste of time and 2) something that tarnished the good because either one or both of us would realize that we were only prolonging the inevitable: realizing that we really weren’t meant to be and that we were holding each other up from fully getting on with our lives which ended up creating some relational resentment and low-key disdain for each other.
Upcycling is different. Relationally, it’s not about getting with someone after you’ve barely done any changing and they’ve hardly done any evolving. Both of you are different individuals now, and so, while you have the foundation of familiarity, to get back together would be so much better than it was before.
Now if you feel like you and your ex have “upcycle potential,” I still advise you to take it slow, to talk things over with one of your “keep it real” friends (so that they can give you an outside-looking-in perspective) and that you have some serious discussions with your ex before officially getting back involved — oh, and that you lay off of sex for a while so that you don’t cloud your judgment.
Yet if it looks like there is some real upcycle potential and you both agree on that…perhaps what you’re doing is not spring cleaning an ex in the sense of getting rid of them but spring cleaning in the sense of reorganizing the role that they play in your life.
Is Your Ex Keeping You in a ‘Circle’ or on a ‘Line’?
I share the quote often because it’s a sobering one. There is a Chinese proverb that simply says, “It’s later than you think,” — and that is something that I keep trying to remind another friend of mine who is entertaining an ex, one who looks totally different from the guy she recently broke up with…oh, but he damn near acts just like him (that’s not a compliment). And because of this, relationally, she is operating in a “circle,” not a straight line.
What do I mean? Back when I was in elementary school, one of my classes had a hamster and a hamster wheel in it. That hamster would be running for his damn life in that wheel, and while I guess the silver lining is that he got some serious cardio in, ultimately, he wasn’t getting anywhere.
Putting this analogy into human form, maybe getting back with an ex can get you some good sex (you know, fun cardio), but c’mon — is it really getting you anywhere? Is the nostalgia actually nothing more than just…that? Will the following weeks or even months really help you to get anywhere closer to where you want — or, more importantly, need — to be?
I’m here to tell you that when you’re trying to make the best (meaning most beneficial) decisions for yourself (check out “Need To Make A Big Decision Quickly? Do This.” and “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), always ask yourself if it’s going to keep you stuck or move you forward. Because no matter how great something might make you feel, it’s really not the best thing for you if it doesn’t help you to maximize your time (time you can never get back) and get you ultimately to where you need to go.
Exes can be a hard thing to shake — trust me, I know. Still, use this spring season to organize your feelings, get rid of who is no longer holistically serving you and be honest about what is turning you into a progressive person and what is a direct enemy of that.
A clean house is bomb. So is a clean heart. Pun intended here on every level, sis.
No time like the present. Get to cleanin’.
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Laterras R. Whitfield On What He Wants In A 'Future Wifey' & Redefining Masculinity
In this week's episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker chopped it up with Laterras R. Whitfield, host of the Dear Future Wifey podcast, for a raw and revealing conversation about personal growth, faith, and the search for love in a way that resonates.
Laterras Whitfield Believes Men Should Pursue, Not Persuade
“Let me know you exist, and I’ll do the rest”
Whitfield is a big advocate of a man’s role in going confidently for the woman he wants. “Men should pursue, not persuade, and women should present, not pursue,” he said. He’s open to meeting women on social media but isn’t a fan of bold approaches. “Don’t shoot your shot at me. … Let me know you exist, and I’ll do the rest.”
His ideal woman?
“She has to be a woman of God… I judge a woman by how her friends see her… and most importantly, how she treats my kids.”
Infidelity, Redemption, and the Power of Self-Control
“Being disciplined is the most beautiful thing you can offer”
Once unfaithful in his previous marriage, Whitfield has since transformed his perspective on masculinity. “Being disciplined is the most beautiful thing you can offer. That’s what true masculinity is to me now.” He has also committed to abstinence, choosing self-control as a defining trait of manhood.
Whitfield’s journey is one of redemption, purpose, and faith—something that speaks to women who value emotional intelligence, accountability, and the power of transformation.
Rewriting the Narrative Around Black Masculinity
What masculinity, legacy, and healing mean to Whitfield today
“My dad taught me what not to be [as a man] and my mom taught me what she needed [in a man],” Whitfield said. While his father wasn’t abusive, he wasn’t emotionally or affectionately present. “Since I didn’t see it, I never got it either… I would look at my dad and say, ‘I want to be a better father.’ ”
Adoption had always been on his spirit, influenced by TV shows like Different Strokes and Punky Brewster. This mindset led him to take in his nephew as his son after a powerful dream confirmed what he already felt in his heart.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Secret Lovers: 10 Women Tell Me Why They Just Can't Seem To Let Their Sneaky Link Go
A few days ago, I was talking to someone who is younger than I am yet has a very old mind when it comes to music (and true music appreciation) about which 90s year had the best R&B (don’t attempt this conversation at home unless you really know what you are talking about, by the way).
Although I have a deep affinity for 1995 (thanks to songs like Groove Theory’s “Tell Me”, Faith Evans’s “Soon As I Get Home”, D’Angelo’s “Lady”, Jon B’s “Someone to Love” and LL Cool J’s “Hey Lover” whether the LP or single dropped that year — don’t play with me — LOL), my friend brought up a valid point about 1997: “Nice & Slow” (Usher), “Butta Love” (Next), "All the Things (Your Man Won't Do)" (Joe), “I Gotta Be” (Jagged Edge) and a song that gets a special shout-out in this piece all came out that year.
What Is a Sneaky Link?
Xscape’s “My Little Secret” gets a true honorable mention here because, when it comes to the topic of sneaky links, it damn near could be the theme song. And I say that because, as pretty much all of us know, a sneaky link is a hook-up and/or romantic relationship that is kept on the extreme low.
Why? There are a billion reasons — today, though, I’m going to share 10. And because I agree with what a wise man once said when he stated that once more than one person knows a particular secret, it ceases to be one, this time, I’m not even using middle names. Nah, I’m going to define these ladies and their “sneaky link stories” another way since they were nice enough to share with the world what their hook-up hush-hush is…and why it happens to be that way for them.
Push play to the Xscape song and dive in.
10 Women Share Their Sneaky Link Stories
1. “Married to One Man. Sprung on Another.” 42.
“I’m going to sound like a hypocrite here but sometimes we go through things to help other people — and if you are going through something with your husband, never forget that you aren’t ‘single’ until you are divorced. Back when my husband and I were having some serious issues, we separated for almost a year and barely even spoke beyond bills. I met a man then who was the best sex that I ever had in my entire life. I didn’t expect my husband and myself to consider reconciling but we’re in counseling now — and I am still sleeping with the other guy. I wish I could tell you that I have intentions of stopping but I can’t.
"One reason is because the sex really is just that good and I didn’t realize how much I had been missing out on. Another reason is because I’m not sure if my husband and I are getting back together; we seem to have the same issues over and over. I do regret being in a commitment with one man and totally strung out on another. I don’t recommend it. It will keep you up at night — one way or another, girl.”
“Broke Up with My Ex. Except Sexually.” 37.
“My semi-toxic confession is my ex and I don’t get along anywhere else BUT the bedroom. In there? You would think that we were soulmates for life! It’s passionate and nasty and lasts for hours — I’m not exaggerating! The wildest thing about it is, we’ve been having sex, off and on now, since college.
"Even when I’m seeing someone or he’s seeing someone, we find a way to have sex. It would be a lot worse if we lived in the same city but we don’t. All these years later, we still try to see each other 4-7 times a year — pretty much once a season and then for a real long weekend or even a week in the summer if we can pull it off…and I don’t see it ending any time soon.”
3. “I Lost My Virginity Two Years Ago. Only ‘He’ Knows It, Though.” 25.
“My virginity is kind of my ‘brand’. I didn’t mean for that to happen but virgins kind of stick out like a sore thumb these days and since I never kept it a secret — my family, my church and even my friends see me as a Black Mother Teresa. That’s why I haven’t told anyone that I lost my virginity a little over two years ago and I’m still sleeping with that person. It’s not just a ‘sex thing’ but I choose to keep our relationship private because if people knew that I’ve been seeing someone for a long time, either they are going to pressure me into marriage or start asking if I’m a virgin still. Keeping it all a secret just makes my life easier.”
4. “I Shouldn’t Be Sleeping with My Boss…BUT…” 38.
“I’m sleeping with my boss, so it goes without saying why it’s a secret. Let me explain how it happened: When we first started having sex, we both had the same position. We used to joke at our desks and then meet up for drinks after work. One night, we had dinner and probably too much to drink and that led to us getting a hotel room. Girl, that man. About six months later, he got a promotion and since neither of us wanted to stop having sex with each other…we haven’t. A part of the thrill is the sex. Another part is sneaking around. I think that’s what lures most people into having a sneaky link, if you ask me.”
5. “My Friends Have Been Trying to Set Me Up for Years…” 46.
“I am a very private person; I always have been. There is no one in my life who knows how many people I’ve been with and the partners who they assume about, I’ve never shared any sexual details. My last serious relationship ended when I was about 41 and my friends have been trying to set me up ever since because they don’t want me to be ‘lonely’ or ‘dry.’ Little do they know, I am neither! I’ve been having sex with a friend of mine since the break-up and I don’t see it ending any time soon — mostly because he thinks the same way that I do. Ladies, if you don’t want a relationship, find a monogamous sex partner. It’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me!”
6. “Folks Think I’m Abstinent…but I’m Not.” 26.
“I made the announcement three years ago that I was going to take a break from sex — and I did…for about 14 months. I’ve been having sex ever since but I haven’t let anyone know that. It hasn’t been just one guy either. I have a ‘steady two’ because they both are good at different things. It’s not like I’m lying about it or anything. Whenever the subject of me and having sex come up, folks say something like, ‘She’s abstinent, she doesn’t count’ — and I just don’t correct them. Private sex is the best sex. I should’ve learned that lesson a long time ago.”
7. “If It’s Mostly Head, Does That Count?” 44.
“My sneaky link situation is a little odd…I guess. It’s a guy who I had sex with a few years ago. The sex was okay but, GIRL, his head game?!
"It’s kind of funny that he feels the same way about me and so, we do have sex sometimes but we mostly meet up for oral purposes. It’s like an addiction at this point because we try to link up no less than a few times a month. It doesn’t matter what else we have going on, we’re going to get that head in. And no, no one knows about it. I don’t see why they ever should.”
8. “My Friend’s Ex Has Been My Next…” 27.
“Shellie, you’d better not say my name. I’m not playing! Yes, I have been having sex with a friend’s ex — but it’s not an ex-husband or fiancé; it’s someone from many years ago and that’s all I’m going to say about that because I don’t want anyone to piece it together. And before anyone reading about this starts, she actually knows — she’s the only one who does, though. She’s married now and couldn’t care less. She said that the sex was her deal-breaker with him and I think the sex is amazing. You know what they say about one man’s junk…”
9. “No Matter What, It Always Comes Back to Him…in the Bedroom.” 33.
“I would think we all get that when a woman says that a man has some good d-ck, she’s not just talking about his penis. The insane thing about my sneaky link is he’s the smallest I’ve been with and still the best sex that I’ve had in my entire life! He takes his time, his dirty talk game is on-point, his stamina is crazy and he’s a master at getting that thing right back up. We started having sex five years ago, been dating for three and have been still gettin’ that thing in since because no man knows me like he does. Keeping it private isn’t behind a scandal or anything. I just think that adds to the allure of it all.”
10. “Why Is My Sex Life ANY of Your Business?” 40.
“’Sneaky link’. That’s cute. These kids. I never saw it as ‘sneaking’ so much as ‘Why is my sex life anyone’s damn business?’ I guess when you’re in a relationship, people assume that you’re sexually active. For me, a lot of the men I’ve dated, I’ve never had sex with them and some of the people you’d least expect, we have sexual history. So, based on that, I technically have a sneaky link. You never see us out but we spend plenty of quality time together. It’s a sexy secret. I like it that way.”
___
Oh, sneaky links. As someone who has had my fair share of ‘em back in the day, they definitely aren’t a monolith — as you can very well see.
My advice? Secrets are seductive — there is no doubt about that. You’re grown, so just make sure that your why overrides the risks involved. Because a secret exposed can be a secret that costs.
Be safe. Be realistic. Be careful. Rinse and repeat.
If you’re gonna be sneaky, be smart. Amen? Exactly.
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