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How To Take Things Slow With A Guy In Dating

It may be time to try a different approach and take things slow.

Dating

You met a guy. You like him. He appears to like you too. You guys are casually dating and it's a vibe. You've been down this road and it hasn't worked out in the past but this time feels different. He seems different. You're ready to throw caution to the wind and fast track this whole situation. Be honest with yourself though, has attempting to fast track the relationship worked in your favor in the past? If not, it may be time to try a different approach and take things slow with the guy you're dating.

There are multiple benefits to taking things at a slower pace in the beginning of a relationship. For starters, it allows you to see if you genuinely like this person or if it's just exciting because it's new. It also allows you to see beneath the surface and see who you're really dating and what their true motives are. Most importantly, it gives you time to catch all of the red flags and also allows time to build a genuine friendship. So, how do you take things slow when dating someone you like? Let's get into it.

How To Take Things Slow With A Guy

1.Date Other People

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I know you really like him but listen, until you and that man choose to be exclusive, you are a free agent sis! A lot of the time pacing in the beginning of a relationship can be compromised because you put all of your energy into acting like a girlfriend before the commitment, which is counterproductive if you ask me. Dating other people will not only force you to take things slowly, but it will also help you discover what (and who) you really like while you date.

2.Space It Out

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I know you want to see him every single day but if you want to keep things at a nice slow pace, resist the urge and space out the time you spend together. Besides, you won't have time anyway because you're going to be dating other people, remember? Even if you decide not to go the date other people route, you can use the time spent apart to pour into your life, your friends, and your passions. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and it also allows you to become a fuller, more vibrant you when you do see each other.

3.Do Different Things

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To avoid falling into a comfortable and familiar routine in the beginning stages of dating, avoid doing the same things. Yes, I know you like that Mexican restaurant he took you to on your first date but getting into a routine screams coupledom, and well before the commitment, sis. Go to different places and try different activities. It will help you get to know each other better but at a slow and steady pace.

4.No Sex

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Well, at least not in the beginning. Having sex too soon is the ultimate way to move way too fast. It can also be the ultimate way to put a stop to things as well. When we have sex, the body releases hormones that makes you feel bonded to the person you're sleeping with. Even if they aren't good for you, you can end up intertwined just because good sex has you looking at the relationship through a filter instead of in a real way. If your goal is to move slowly and really get to know the guy, avoid sleeping with him until you know what you want or don't want from him. And never use sex as a bargaining chip. No, just no.

5.No “We” Talk

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In the beginning, it's important to not talk about the future as it pertains to you two. That doesn't mean that you can't ask questions to gauge what he is looking for or about where he sees himself in the future but don't start planning a life with him. Let me give you an example. Years ago, I met this guy. We went on one date and the next week he invited me to go on a cruise with him and his family. The cruise was in six months. Spoiler alert, I excused myself from that situation expeditiously. "We" talk can be dreamy, and it's easy to put the cart before the horse when you're excited about the prospect of new love, but use the future talk as sparingly as possible until you decide where you are going in the future and if it includes one another.

6.Live Your Life

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Remember that thing you had before you met him? Yes, your life. Go and do that. Before you met this great guy you had friends, a job, and interests. That means no moving plans around with girlfriends to accommodate the last-minute opening for him or waiting by your phone in hopes that he'll have plans for you on a Friday night. You are the prize sis, live your life like one. The right guy won't feel intimidated by your busy-ness, instead he'll rise to the challenge of getting to know you. The absolute best way to take things slow with a guy is to simply live your life and let him get in where he fits in.

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Jamie Foxx and his daughter Corinne Foxx are one of Hollywood’s best father-daughter duos. They’ve teamed up together on several projects including Foxx’s game show Beat Shazam where they both serve as executive producers and often frequent red carpets together. Corinne even followed in her father’s footsteps by taking his professional last name and venturing into acting starring in 47 Meters Down: Uncaged and Live in Front of a Studio Audience: All in the Family and Good Times as Thelma.

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When I was ten, my Sunday school teacher put on a brief performance in class that included some of the boys standing in front of the classroom while she stood in front of them holding a heart shaped box of chocolate. One by one, she tells each boy to come and bite a piece of candy and then place the remainder back into the box. After the last boy, she gave the box of now mangled chocolate over to the other Sunday school teacher — who happened to be her real husband — who made a comically puzzled face. She told us that the lesson to be gleaned from this was that if you give your heart away to too many people, once you find “the one,” that your heart would be too damaged. The lesson wasn’t explicitly about sex but the implication was clearly present.

That memory came back to me after a flier went viral last week, advertising an abstinence event titled The Close Your Legs Tour with the specific target demo of teen girls came across my Twitter timeline. The event was met with derision online. Writer, artist, and professor Ashon Crawley said: “We have to refuse shame. it is not yours to hold. legs open or not.” Writer and theologian Candice Marie Benbow said on her Twitter: “Any event where 12-17-year-old girls are being told to ‘keep their legs closed’ is a space where purity culture is being reinforced.”

“Purity culture,” as Benbow referenced, is a culture that teaches primarily girls and women that their value is to be found in their ability to stay chaste and “pure”–as in, non-sexual–for both God and their future husbands.

I grew up in an explicitly evangelical house and church, where I was taught virginity was the best gift a girl can hold on to until she got married. I fortunately never wore a purity ring or had a ceremony where I promised my father I wouldn’t have pre-marital sex. I certainly never even thought of having my hymen examined and the certificate handed over to my father on my wedding day as “proof” that I kept my promise. But the culture was always present. A few years after that chocolate-flavored indoctrination, I was introduced to the fabled car anecdote. “Boys don’t like girls who have been test-driven,” as it goes.

And I believed it for a long time. That to be loved and to be desired by men, it was only right for me to deny myself my own basic human desires, in the hopes of one day meeting a man that would fill all of my fantasies — romantically and sexually. Even if it meant denying my queerness, or even if it meant ignoring how being the only Black and fat girl in a predominantly white Christian space often had me watch all the white girls have their first boyfriends while I didn’t. Something they don’t tell you about purity culture – and that it took me years to learn and unlearn myself – is that there are bodies that are deemed inherently sinful and vulgar. That purity is about the desire to see girls and women shrink themselves, make themselves meek for men.

Purity culture isn’t unlike rape culture which tells young girls in so many ways that their worth can only be found through their bodies. Whether it be through promiscuity or chastity, young girls are instructed on what to do with their bodies before they’ve had time to figure themselves out, separate from a patriarchal lens. That their needs are secondary to that of the men and boys in their lives.

It took me a while —after leaving the church and unlearning the toxic ideals around purity culture rooted in anti-Blackness, fatphobia, heteropatriarchy, and queerphobia — to embrace my body, my sexuality, and my queerness as something that was not only not sinful or dirty, but actually in line with the vision God has over my life. Our bodies don't stop being our temples depending on who we do or who we don’t let in, and our worth isn’t dependent on the width of our legs at any given point.

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