October is a month of dreams coming to fruition, finding gratitude, and gaining new ground. The month begins with a New Moon Solar Eclipse in Libra on October 2, and relationship matters are experiencing a renewal. This Eclipse is significant because it is the final Libra Eclipse on the Aries/Libra axis, which has been going on since 2023 and will conclude in March 2025 with Aries.
This New Moon isn’t about setting new intentions or manifesting; it’s about embracing what has come to fruition for you today and focusing on where love strengthens in your life.
Jupiter has been in Gemini since May 25, expanding our perspectives and building new bridges of connection, and will be in this curious air sign until June 9, 2025. This month, on Oct. 9, however, Jupiter goes retrograde until Feb. 4, 2025, and will be highlighting the importance of introspection, spiritual guidance, and clear communication. When Jupiter is in retrograde, luck is what you make it, and it’s all about perspective right now and seeing things with a more open-minded and positive outlook when you can.
On Oct. 11, Pluto goes direct in Capricorn after being retrograde since May, and this is good news for feeling empowered, resilient, and confident in the life changes you are moving through right now. Pluto direct lifts previous restrictions and enhances a sense of greater freedom and strength. Mercury enters Scorpio a few days later, on Oct. 13, and Mercury in Scorpio has a distinct intensity to matters of the mind.
Mercury will be in this water sign until Nov. 2, and communication should be handled with more care and consideration rather than emotional impulsivity right now. Overall, with the Sun in romantic Libra and Mercury in emotional Scorpio, intimate and vulnerable conversations are taking place this month, creating a more solid ground for relationships to grow.
What October 2024 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
In October, we have a Supermoon in Aries occurring on Oct. 17, and this is the Hunter’s Moon of the year. This Full Moon is about embracing who you are and where your life is today and finding gratitude in what surrounds you. Emotions are running high in mid-October, and this is the time to let go of previous limitations, find your ground, and get settled into where you want to be right now and where you feel empowered in your life.
Venus also enters Sagittarius on the day of the Supermoon until Nov. 11, and a certain excitement and freedom are being enhanced. It’s all about being yourself and allowing that energy to be a magnet for the type of love and connection you are looking for. Scorpio Season officially begins on Oct. 22, and we end the month with things getting even more exciting in love, dreams coming to fruition, and the full picture in clear view.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what the month has in store.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
October is about prioritizing your peace and finding balance, Aries. This is the month where you will need to be flexible and flow with the currents of change rather than fight them. The month begins with a New Moon Solar Eclipse in your 7th house of love, and you are seeing breakthroughs in romance. One-on-one partnerships are a key theme for you this month, as you find your balance between your needs and those of others.
Jupiter in Gemini goes retrograde on Oct. 9, and what this means for you is a change of perspective. Jupiter is currently guiding you toward reconnection and alignment in communication matters and reminding you that you deserve to have a voice and to be heard. On Oct. 17, we have a Supermoon in your sign, and you are turning the heat up as the month ends. This is your time to let go of what is not serving you, your goals, or your health, and to seek resolution of the heart.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
This is a hopeful month for you, Taurus. You are focused on manifesting your desires and feeling excited about what is possible for you ahead. You have overcome a lot this year, and right now you are feeling like a lot of that is finally behind you. With Jupiter officially retrograde from Oct. 9 until Feb. 4, 2025, you are overall thinking about your plans for the future, especially financially, and how you want to implement a new strategy or greater growth here.
On Oct. 17, a Supermoon in Libra is occurring, and this Moon will be flowing through your 12th house of closure. You are doing a lot of emotional processing right now and are seeing your life with a little more clarity. There is a lot to grasp at this time as you see a chapter close in your life. On the same day of the Supermoon, Venus moves into your 8th house of intimacy and transformation and you are going to be seeing a lot of changes and healing in love over the next few weeks.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
October is all about feeling content and at peace with where you are in the present, Gemini. This is a fruitful month for you, and you are overall feeling in tune with yourself and the energy in your life right now. The month begins with a Solar Eclipse in your 5th house of romance, and a lot of love is grabbing your attention. You are feeling confident and self-expressive, and you are being met with joy. Emotional receptivity is flowing through your world, and what you have intended for is blooming around you.
This month is also a reminder to nurture your seeds of intention. Jupiter going retrograde in your sign from Oct. 9 until Feb. 4, 2025, is your sign to slow it down, enjoy the present, and renew. If you can find peace within patience, this time will be therapeutic and enlightening. The Supermoon happening at the end of the month will show you some new insight into your friendships, community, hopes, and dreams, and there is a lot of gratitude to be felt this month.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
You are shining this month, Cancer. This is a month of claiming your success and being met with recognition, support, and new opportunities. At the beginning of the month, we have a New Moon Solar Eclipse in an area of your life dealing with your home, family, foundations, and emotional stability. You could be moving during this time, experiencing a major change or breakthrough within family matters, or seeing new ways you want to build your close relationships and support systems.
With the Sun also moving through your 4th house of home and family for most of this month, you are focused on your stability and internal happiness in October. Before the month ends, we have a Supermoon in Aries, and this Supermoon for you is all about achievement, success, and feeling supported in your life. Past work or accomplishments are coming full circle for you, and you have a good balance between your personal and professional life and are seeing growth in both areas this month.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
October is about settling into the happiness you have created for yourself, Leo. A sense of empowerment and self-confidence is what you are feeling this month, and you are moving forward boldly. The month begins with Jupiter going retrograde in an area of your life that has to do with your hopes, dreams, purpose, and community, and you are getting a chance to see how some of your past intentions are coming to fruition for you now. You are getting a big break this month and feeling an overall immense growth in your life.
The Supermoon on Oct. 17 is happening in a fellow fire sign, and you are feeling adventurous right now. This isn’t the time to be impulsive, but you could experience a big relief by letting go a little more and not taking things too seriously. Venus will also be moving into your 5th house of love, happiness, and romance on the same day and you are entering a new journey in love as the month ends. The love you have discovered and rediscovered for yourself is a magnet for the success you are experiencing in October.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
It’s all coming together for you this month, Virgo. You are experiencing a sense of nostalgia as past dreams and intentions come into reality for you, and you get to enjoy not only how far you have come but, most importantly, where you are now. With a New Moon Solar Eclipse happening in your 2nd house of abundance right as the month begins, you could be experiencing a breakthrough in financial matters in October and are overall moving through a new beginning here, which will continue to be felt over the next six months.
Mercury, your planetary ruler, enters your house of communication in mid-October, and this is a blessing for your connections, communication channels, networking, and creative ideas. You are having some good conversations this month and are discovering new inspirations. Before the month ends, there is a Supermoon in Aries, which will give you time for reflection, healing, and emotional rejuvenation. You are ending October with a renewed vitality for life and an appreciation for all that was because it’s led you to where you are now.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
October is a significant month for you, Libra. Not only is it officially Libra Season, but we also have a New Moon Solar Eclipse happening in your sign. On Oct. 2, the Solar Eclipse in Libra will bring a major shift into your life, how you see yourself and your destiny. You are experiencing an inner awakening and are aligning with what feels powerful, authentic, and right for you. This is your month to be a little more selfish and to ask yourself what you need right now.
On Oct. 9, Jupiter in Gemini moves into retrograde motion and will be retrograde in an area of your chart aligned with travel, higher education, spirituality, and adventure. You could be tempted to take more risks now, but all actions should be thought out intentionally. Emotions are overall higher for you this month with an Eclipse happening in your sign so make sure you are thinking things through. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 3rd house of the mind, and your heart is looking for mental connection, harmony, and excitement moving into November.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
This month is about never losing sight of what is possible for you, Scorpio. You have come a long way and are experiencing a deep sense of accomplishment in October. The month begins with a New Moon Solar Eclipse happening in an area of your life dealing with closure, healing, endings, and what’s hidden. You are gaining the lessons needed to move forward, and new gifts and opportunities are coming into your life through what you have let go of.
Jupiter goes retrograde the following week in your 8th house of transformation, and October is a big shake-up month for you, however, the things you have been wanting to experience are the energy you are entering now.
Mercury moves into your sign from Oct. 13 until Nov. 2, and you are moving through the rest of the month feeling clear-headed, inspired, and communicative. This is a good time to get your message or idea across to someone or to build bridges of connection. Scorpio Season officially begins on Oct. 22, and it’s your time to shine. This Scorpio Season, all eyes are on you, and you are a force to be reckoned with.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
October is a month for communication and gaining inner clarity, Sagittarius. You are seeing the bigger picture right now and have confidence in what you know and believe in. The New Moon Solar Eclipse happening on Oct. 2 will be in your 11th house, meaning this is a powerful time for seeing your intentions come to fruition and a massive shift occurring in your life. This is about embracing new opportunities, trusting your instincts, and aligning with your truth.
On Oct. 17, we have a Supermoon in fellow fire sign Aries, and this Supermoon is guiding you towards love. You are experiencing a letting go of miscommunication or restriction in love and are moving into greater freedom, happiness, and connection in your romantic relationships. With Venus also moving into your sign on the same day until Nov. 11, the second half of the month focuses on compassion, love, and partnership, and you are feeling more confident in this area of your life right now.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
October is a new beginning in love, Capricorn. Even though there are a lot of responsibilities on your plate, as usual, you are still creating time for your relationships, and romance is taking on a new tone for you. The most significant astrological transit of the month is Pluto going direct in your sign after being in retrograde since May. What this means for you is a sense of feeling stronger, more confident, and more in tune with your inner power after feeling like that was taken away from you or more hidden.
In October, we have another Supermoon, which will be moving through your 4th house of home, foundations, stability, and family. This is bringing some renewal and change within the home, and a letting go of old ways of relating. You have been rebuilding a lot this year, and at the end of the month, this energy is coming full circle for you. Before October ends, Venus, the planet of love, enters your 12th house of closure, and you are ready for healing and reflection as you take some time to process all the changes you have been moving through and where your heart is now.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
This is a fun month for you, Aquarius. You feel light-hearted and at ease with the energy flowing through the world, and your heart is open to new opportunities. On Oct. 9, Jupiter will be going retrograde in Gemini, and you are getting some space to reflect on your heart’s desires, and where you want to go from here in love and in terms of what makes you happy and passionate. Pluto goes direct a few days later on Oct. 11, and this will be encouraging and beneficial for your financial world over the next month as you embrace the abundance you deserve in life
On Oct. 17, we have a Supermoon in Aries occurring, and some of your past intentions and ideas are being recognized and supported now. This is a good time to receive the answers you have been looking for. Venus also moves into your 11th house on the same day, and you are experiencing a lot of emotional growth and happiness within your friendships and community. Look at who is around you at the end of the month, and how much some of your soul connections have really been there for you as of late.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
October is all about getting more rest, Pisces. Patience is necessary this month, as you need time to grasp all that has been and all that you want for yourself moving forward. The month starts intensely with a New Moon Solar Eclipse happening in your 8th house of transformation, and you are experiencing a lot of emotional changes right now. There is a sense of needing to find your way through all of the different energy that is presenting itself, and taking your emotional and physical well-being more seriously is necessary.
Jupiter goes retrograde in Gemini on Oct. 2, and this will be a journey of gaining new ground and finding healthy ways to emotionally regulate. You are on a journey of self-discovery and will be learning a lot through your relationships with the people closest to you. Venus enters your 10th house on Oct. 17, and this is when you will begin to see things pick up for you. You will leave October wanting to be more social as you have taken the time to rest and reflect at the beginning of the month.
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Credit: Malcolm Roberson
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Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
____
An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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