As Tracee Ellis Ross preps for her 50th birthday on October 29, the black-ish star is reflecting on the many things she’s learned along the way. One of those things is “wander, ponder, be,” which she uses to help her write speeches. During her interview with Hoda & Jenna, the beloved comedic actress gave insight into what those three words actually mean and how she applies them to her life. “I started figuring out the wander, ponder, be’s whenever I was writing a speech. Because in order to write a speech you just sort of have something come in from the inside,” she explained.
If it’s one thing that the Golden Globe winner is known for outside of acting, it’s her gift of gab. From her hilarious skits on social media to her energetic conversations in interviews, Tracee has always known how to use her voice and it also shines through in her speeches. Her speech during the 2017 Glamour's Women of the Year Summit went viral after she spoke against women’s accomplishments being diminished due to them not being married and/ or starting a family. It appears we have Tracee’s 'wander, ponder, and be' strategy to thank for that.
“I really needed time to wander, ponder, be and social media does not allow it,” she continued. “Because you take all your downtime so I like to give myself a chance to wander, to not know where I’m going but just wander, have time to just ponder, and just kinda play in the imagination of my mind and to be.”
She added, “And my favorite part of my life is my life like making food, and like going to the market and being in my life.”
While she isn’t shy about using her voice to speak on matters of the world, there is one thing she struggled to use her voice for—singing. Tracee shared that she always wanted to sing but was “too terrified” to follow in her mother, the great Diana Ross’, footsteps. She finally faced that fear after starring in the film The High Notewhere she plays a singer. But she recently realized that not using her gift of singing was only holding her back from creating new experiences in her life.
“What was interesting was as I was learning how to sing…I felt like I opened lifeways, not pathways but lifeways,” she said. “Not that I was necessarily meant to be a singer, but by cutting off that part of myself just because I was afraid, I had closed off certain doors to part of my identity and myself, and so things just started to open up when I found my voice.”
In need of a little motivation? Keep reading for 9 more noteworthy gems about life that Tracee has dropped over the years.
Tracee Ellis Ross on the Advice That’s Guided Her Through Life:
"There are two things that have been the biggest guides through my life. The first one is: Follow your heart and trust your instincts. The second is: What other people think is none of your business and even sometimes what you think of yourself is none of your business. Sometimes it’s about staying in action as opposed to trying to decide how to make people think a certain way about you." - via WSJ
On Lessons She Has Learned as an Entrepreneur:
"One is to trust my instincts. Two is, there’s so much more involved than I ever had any idea of—and I knew there was a lot involved. The biggest lessons have been around the consistency of relationships and communication with retail partners and also my team…. Because it is an hourly thing, particularly right now during the supply-chain issues that are going on. And then the last thing is, you don’t need a degree in CEO-dom or entrepreneurship in order to run a successful company. You need to surround yourself with very informed and excellent people and remain teachable without losing focus on your vision." - via WSJ
On Finding Meaning in Life:
"I feel that to a certain extent, we are the first generation of choice for women, who have had the opportunity to actually choose the lives they want to live…. The cultural expectation for women that they are meant to be mothers and married and that that is almost what makes their lives valid creates a scenario that I push up against in general. There's many places where that happens in our culture that I think are very limiting for women in terms of finding meaning in their own lives." - via Good Housekeeping
On Showing Her Full Self on Social Media:
“One of the reasons that I share so much on social media is that I recently turned 49. At this age, self-care, self-love, joy and drinking plenty of water are what keep your body strong. I love posting about this because it gives you the full picture of who I am. I’m not always the perfect Tracee on the red carpet. That’s not how I wake up. Various other things are needed for that.” via Elle Canada
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On Living Life on Her Own Terms:
"I didn’t see enough examples of different versions of how a woman can find happiness and joy and power and sensuality, sexuality, all of that, without it being through the lens of how I’m seen by a man. People are like, 'You’re the poster child for being single.' And I was like, 'Great.' But what I would prefer is that I’m the poster child for living my life on my terms. And that there’s a version of that for everyone.
"I don’t live my life for other people. I just totally live it for me. This is something that has really solidified itself into an unbreakable, unshakable foundation in the last four or five years." via Harper's Bazaar
On the Power of Her Womanhood:
"There's a power I started to feel when I began to call myself a woman that I wasn't tapped into as a younger girl. I've witnessed it in friends of mine and in people I don't know. It's the power that generates from this idea that our bodies can create life—even though not every woman creates life. It's a woman's ability to look at life a certain way, to create in a certain way, to be of service in a certain way, to care in a certain way." - via Glamour
On Detaching Herself From the Opinions of Others:
"What other people think about me is none of my business. Sometimes even what I think about myself is not my business. Opinions are like assholes: We’ve all got them. What I know is that I wake up every day trying to do my best. I know that my heart and my intention is in the right place. And if somebody points something out to me that I actually think is constructive and loving and I agree and I need to take accountability for it, I can do that. My selfhood and my sense of self can withstand appropriate criticism." via The Cut
On Finding Support in Dark Moments:
"The key is you ask yourself, What do I need right now? I’ve cultivated a relationship with myself where I know I have choices…. I have a toolbox of ways I can find support; journaling is helpful, or meditation. And I have had to really make friends with loneliness. And know the difference between choice-ful solitude and lonely. [I find comfort in] being able to name it, to say I’m feeling lonely, then to have a tribe of people I feel safe enough with to share: This is how I feel.
"I don’t have the luxury of not going to work when I don’t feel up to it. Most people don’t. On those days, I acknowledge I am feeling f-cking crappy, and I’m not at my best, and I still want to or need to keep walking forward. I have to do some of my best work on my worst days. I have to look pretty even when I don’t feel pretty. There’s a way to hold both things." - via Glamour
On How She Owns Her Own Narrative:
"By not letting other people’s ideas of me change my idea of myself. It means holding my own counsel and navigating my life on my compass, which is about my relationship with higher power, my relationship with those I trust and love." via The Cut
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Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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