You Try to Be Perfect in Your Relationships

If you are in a semi-serious relationship and either you find yourself walking on eggshells or you are hiding some significant things about yourself in order to appear…less human than you actually are, please hear me when I tell you that you are doing yourself, your relationship and the person you are seeing a gigantic disservice. Just like a telling sign that you’re a workaholic on your job is that you are a perfectionist, a big indication that you are a relational workaholic is if you try and hide your flaws or issues with those around you too.

And here’s the thing: not only is perfectionism totally unrealistic, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting and, at the end of the day, it’s not very rewarding.

Plus, on the relational tip, it can really affect your ability to trust the people you are dealing with because there will always be a part of you that is wondering if they would stick around if they really knew what you were all about. Always remember that in order for individuals to complement your life, they’ve got to know who they are complementing — and that can’t happen unless you are being a genuine person. Perfectionism robs you of that.

You’re Stressed Out

Even though I just touched on this, let’s go a bit deeper. Although both jobs and relationships have moments that may be stressful, if either one of these things is constantly bringing you anxiety, if it’s always got you worrying about something you said or did, if it’s bringing tension or strain into other parts of your world — if at the end of the day, it feels like a burden, guess what? You are in something that is unhealthy for you, and no amount of money from a job or attention (or time) via a relationship is worth it.

For one thing, stress can be the cause of health-related issues like obesity, heart disease, irregular periods, cancer, diabetes, and depression. Also, being stressed hinders your performance, pretty much across the board. Meaning, if you’re stressed out at work, you won’t be very productive, and if you’re stressed out in your relationships, it will just bring more pressure, drama, and potential trauma to everyone involved (one way or another).

You know, it’s been reported that around 34 percent of folks are in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed all of the time. Oftentimes it’s the result of either doing too much or not prioritizing things well. This can happen at work, and it can happen in your relationships, too. Bottom line with this one is, nothing should be stressful all of the time. If that’s what you’ve currently got going on, you already know what I’m about to say.

You (Always) Prioritize Them over Everything Else

Your job is what you do; it shouldn’t be all of what you are. And you know what? Your relationships shouldn’t be all-consuming, either. For the record, I don’t care what kind of relationship it is — (gasp!) even your spouse or your children. And listen, if what I just said triggered you in some way, you’re the person who needs to read this part of the article, especially because it is never a good idea to be so involved in something or someone that other things are constantly falling by the wayside, especially yourself.

On the work tip, folks like this oftentimes find themselves in positions where their manager or supervisor totally takes them for granted (even if it isn’t intentional). Relationally, your spouse can either take you for granted (sometimes without even noticing) or they can end up feeling suffocated while your kids can either become stagnated (due to you doing everything for them) or entitled (because they expect you to do everything for them).

Back in my hella codependency days, I was good for prioritizing a lot of folks over myself. The way that it would manifest in my world is I would take care of other people’s needs ahead of my own. Sometimes, it would be so extreme that I’d find myself covering other people’s bills before paying the ones that I had. All it did was result in me ending up with more problems and becoming resentful towards them that I did something that, oftentimes, they never asked me to do in the first place (yeah, codependency, by far, offers more liabilities than assets).

Anyway, by definition, a priority is something that has the right to take precedence over other things; it’s something that deserves special attention. And while many things can — and should — be a priority in your life, sometimes those priorities need to shift around (a bit), especially if you are the one who is being left out as far as your list is concerned.

You Do More than What Is Required

LISTEN. HERE. I don’t know about you, but I have had experiences with individuals where, after literally doing the absolute most for them, when I brought up that I wasn’t being appreciated, their response would be something along the lines of, “I never asked you to do all of that in the first place.” Ouch. And although it can be really easy to play the victim card out in times like these, I’m recommending, from very up close and personal experience, that you really ponder what they said — because sometimes, both at work and in relationships, we really do go overboard.

Sometimes it’s because of our enthusiasm about the job or connection we have with another person; however, other times it’s because, deep down, there’s a part of us that thinks that if we don’t do more than is actually required, they may not see the use for us or want us around as much.

As far as relationships are concerned, my main point here is if someone truly likes you for you and values what you bring to the table, you won’t have to bend over backward or damn near go broke just to have them in your life. Know what else? The giving will be so reciprocal that you won’t feel like you are the only one who is going above and beyond — the mutuality will be quite evident. If that isn’t the case, red flag central, sis.

Some of Your (Other) Relationships Are Strained

There is a classic workaholic who is reading this who needs to hear what I am about to say: IF YOUR JOB IS PUTTING A STRAIN ON YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, YOUR LIFE IS OUT OF BALANCE. And for the relational workaholics who are checking this out, let’s look at your friendships for a second. If you’ve got one friend who is so needy (or is it selfish?) that you find yourself pouring so much time, effort, and/or energy into them that you don’t really have time for anyone else, that isn’t a very healthy dynamic.

Although there are definitely going to be times when certain friends will need more from you than others (because we all know that life do be life-ing out here), your friends aren’t your children; what I mean by that is you shouldn’t be out here emotionally babysitting grown adults to the point where other relationships are neglected because of it.

Hmph. I had a friend back in the day who couldn’t stand one of his wife’s friends because he said that the woman was borderline disrespectful. She would call his phone if she couldn’t find his wife, she would call at inappropriate hours, and she felt entitled to a lot of his wife’s time. Although, in my opinion, his wife should’ve nipped A LOT of that in the bud, this is a good example of when one relationship can put a strain on another.

When you’re used to overdoing things, you might fall into something like this without even noticing. Now that I’ve brought it to your attention, though, I hope you’ll reflect on whether this point personally applies to you — and then make adjustments where necessary, if so.

You Don’t Know How to Make Time for Yourself

Chile, if there is one thing that I am gonna do over here, it’s make some time for myself — aggressively and unapologetically so, too. This has become even more of a practice since I’ve had more coaching clients because, although I enjoy what I do, I ain’t got no lies to tell you: sometimes humans can be draining beings and, when you do the kind of work that I do if you’re not careful, you can find yourself getting so absorbed into their stuff and their world that you end up neglecting your own needs…and nothing about that is even remotely good, beneficial or healthy.

You know, if you’ve ever heard that you should give to others out of your “overflow” instead of your “lack,” there is a ton of truth to that. If a friend is going through a breakup and needs to talk, it’s okay to take a walk alone or a nap before returning their call or heading over to their place. If your boyfriend needs you to do something for a relative that drains your energy (or spirit), it’s OK to decline until you are mentally or emotionally in the space to do it without an attitude or a feeling of resentment. If someone needs a favor, you are well within your rights to make sure that you have “it” to give and that you’re not just granting their request simply because they asked.

Workaholics, in any form, oftentimes suffer because they don’t prioritize themselves. Work-wise, they tend to do more than they are compensated or rewarded for. Relationally, they typically end up feeling used, even if it’s not until months or later when their bandwidth has been pushed to its limit. Neither outcome is helpful. Do all that you can to avoid it/them.

You Are Motivated by Fear More than Love

Are you killing yourself at work because you’re scared of what will happen if you don’t? Are you killing yourself in one (or more) of your relationships because you’re afraid that you could lose them otherwise? Another point that’s worth going in all-caps: DON’T DO THINGS OUT OF FEAR. More times than not, when we’re scared of something or someone, that is alerting us that something about it/them is unsafe.

Your company may be unpredictable (financially or when it comes to how it prioritizes things), or they may have a pattern of using intimidation to get folks to do more than their job description. You may have some people in your life who…don’t so much care about you; it’s more that they enjoy the benefits that come from being in a relationship with you. And because you know this and yet you ignore it, you allow fear to motivate you to do whatever it takes to keep the position — at work or with someone…when it really may not be worth it.

I am a living testament to the fact that outcomes are different when you do things out of love instead of fear. That’s why I once came up with the quote, “Love is a gift. Not a bribe,” because that is the absolute truth. And so, if you’re doing things in your relationships out of fear, step back and get to the root of that. Fear creates anxiety, doubt, despair, suspicion, and uneasiness — does any of that sound like the foundation of a solid relationship to you? Yeah, me neither.

As I wrap it up, whether you’re a workaholic or a relational workaholic, ask yourself if you’re “doing it for the love” or if something else is going on. Fear is alerting you to problems. Love will help you to create boundaries to keep everything in balance. Always choose the latter — you’ll toil so much less if/when you do.

Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.