Although you will never be able to sway me away from a Black man as far as a relationship goes, I do know "fine" when I see it. And so, while I am aging myself, just a bit when I say this: Charles Ingalls (or rather, Michael Landon, who played him on the series The Little House on the Prairie) was fine and then some mo’ fine.
Yeah, it’s kind of crazy just how much I refer to that show during some of my counseling sessions, especially with engaged couples and married ones who have a super complex relationship with their in-laws. And when it comes to the Ingalls family, specifically, something that I will oftentimes say is, “You can’t pay me to not believe that one of the main reasons why a lot of marriages back then lasted so long is because both sides hardly ever saw their original families after they got married and started their own. Couples back then took ‘leaving and cleaving’ to a whole ‘nother level.”
Is this my way of saying that the key to a successful union is to not bond with your man’s family? No — not at all. What I am saying, though, is boundaries need to be paramount. What I am also saying is that there are layers that need to be unpeeled in order for me to explain just what I mean by that.
So, whether you are in a relationship that seems to be headed towards something serious and you can already tell that your bae and his family’s dynamic may end up being a bit complex for you, you are newly engaged, and the waters with your in-laws are a bit rough right now, or you’ve been married for a few months and lawd, you had no idea that your man’s people were gonna be, well, “like this” — let’s discuss some things that you should keep in mind so that you can find peace in how you should maneuver when it comes to his family.
‘Cause chile…CHILE.
What’s Your Ideal (Potential) In-Law Dynamic?
GiphySeveral years ago, I attended a wedding where, when the couple was about to leave after the reception, the groom’s mother refused to come out and wave “goodbye.” I knew some of the backstory behind what was going on, and it was more than just her seeing her baby boy move on into another season of his life. His new wife (at least at the time; the mother-in-law has seemed to be able to manipulate her pretty well over the past few years) had her own mind, and it oftentimes clashed with her soon-to-be MIL (mother-in-law). So, essentially, what she was grieving was that her younger son was about to get a backbone.
I pretty much figured that what I witnessed that day was symbolic of what the mother-and-law and daughter-in-law’s dynamic was going to be — its own tug of war, on several levels. And while I know that it bothered the wife that it was that way, something that she would say that I found to be pretty on-point is, “I don’t need her to be my mother. I have a mother.” So true, so true.
Sometimes, when you’re dating — or considering marrying — someone and you don’t have the most ideal connection with either all or some of their family, you will find yourself overextending to try and turn things into the idea that you always desired. Yeah, please don’t do that.
If you’re already seeing some yellow, orange, or red flags, sensing some dysfunction, and/or you know that you and your man’s mama (or sisters or whomever) may not become BFFs, it’s really best to 1) address it with him to get an idea of his thoughts on the matter; 2) grieve that your ideal may not end up being your reality and 3) prepare to make peace with that — if you decide to stay, that is. Oh, and a bonus: try to not take it personally.
Sometimes, the strain with a man’s family is due to issues that have been going on long before you ever came into the picture. So long as you are kind, respectful, and consistent when it comes to dealing with them, you are creating good karma.
And who knows? Maybe, in time, you can get to your ideal. All I’m saying is don’t beat yourself up or — and this is so important — take it out on your relationship if it doesn’t happen to play out that way. You can have a cordial dynamic with his family without everyone being in each other’s laps all of the time.
Like Is Cool. Respect Is Better.
GiphyYou marry them, not their family. One of the dumbest things I’ve heard was that sentence right there, and it came from a guy who 1) had a pretty unhealthy relationship with his in-laws and 2) isnow divorced from his wife — and yes, his somewhat unstable dynamic with his in-laws played a significant role in the breakdown of his marriage. SMDH.
So here’s the deal: Yes, when you marry someone, the way it should go is that the two of you move on from the families you were born into so that you can create one of your own. What I’m speaking of here is not a total disconnect; however, you should be having your own boundaries, traditions, and ways of doing things that don’t require either of your family’s permission or approval.
That said, when people raise their kids with the mindset that “I am raising adults not children” (which is how it should be in my opinion), the shift of their kids leaving their house to start a life of their own with someone else tends to be relatively drama-free (especially if they happen to like who their adult child chose).
Oh, but when parents never emotionally prepared themselves for their kids to “get out of the nest,” sometimes they think they are supposed to “parent them” through their relationship — and that is where things can get toxic as hell; it’s also where you will need to set some limits and some of those, his family (or yours) may not be very fond of.
And so, as they are going through the process of adjusting to all of this, they may not like you very much. Hell, they may not even like their own child very much, either. It doesn’t matter. Although yes, it would be ideal (and honestly easier) if your man’s family did adore you, the thing that you really want is for them to respect you.
People who respect you listen to what you say. People who respect you don’t try to gaslight you out of your own boundaries. People who respect you will bring concerns directly to you instead of talking behind your back. People who respect you will acknowledge your needs and feelings. People who respect you will treat you like an adult and not a child.
Hmph. It’s kind of another message for another time how, when you look for your man’s family to like you over respecting you, you may not even end up with a lot of what I just said because people can like someone and still attempt to run over them. Hell, sometimes, what they like is that they can (some of y’all will catch that later). So yes, above all else, what you need to strive for is respect. In other words, choose to see “like” as the icing, not the cake.
How Good Is Your Guy with Boundaries?
GiphySpeaking of boundaries…not too long ago, I checked out a Black indie film entitledMother May I? Have mercy, that mother was beyond controlling and without giving too much away; a big part of it was because she was paranoid because she was sneaky as hell (a lot of people are controlling because of that very reason; that’s another message for another time, though). And although she was definitely the most triggering character to watch, I can’t lie and say that her son didn’t piss me off a few times too.
Whenever she would talk to him like a child, disrespect his girlfriend, or when she slapped him, I was damn near yelling at the screen like, “Sir. She may be your mother, but disrespect is disrespect.” Y’all, stop thinking that your parents love you well if they are willing to disrespect you;love and respect are designed to go hand in hand in healthy relationships — any kind of healthy relationship.
Anyway, as I continued to watch, I thought about a friend of mine who used to be in a marriage with a man who not only tolerated emotional abuse from his mother but also allowed his now ex-wife to be subjected to it as well. In fact, to this day, he is so unbelievably codependent on his mother that while he was married to my friend, he thought it was her job to not only overlook the crazy ish that his mom would say to her, he also wanted his wife to bend over backward like he does in order to try and make things work.
Toxic upon toxic…upon toxic.
The sad thing about all of this is that when my friend was dating this guy and then living with him (and his mother — don’t get me started) prior to saying “I do,” she saw red flags. She saw where, more times than not, he took his mother’s side, too. She also witnessed where he would allow his mother to wreck his moods along with where he would allow his mom to pretty much say and do whatever while simply saying to her, “I mean, just be the bigger person.”
No, sir, you learn how to grow up and get some boundaries with your mother because, when it comes to the role of being a protector and provider for your wife, that means doing everything in your power to keep her out of harm’s way, period — and if that harm is a relative, guess what?
My friend? She went through years of drama, trauma, and foolishness because she tried to act like this man and his mother’s issues would somehow just go away with time. Nah, that man needs/needed therapy, his mother needs/needed therapy, and then both of them need to go to therapy together. However, if there is a “beauty for ashes” in all of this, it’s the fact that, hopefully, her story will cause someone reading this to “pause” if they notice that their own guy isn’t good at setting boundaries with his own relatives, especially when it comes to protecting his relationship when it comes to them.
Because again, while everyone doesn’t have to hold hands and sing “Kumbaya, My Lord,” no man should have the woman he’s with feeling like she’s in a danger zone of some sort whenever his family is in her presence. There is absolutely no wiggle room on that either because you wanna know what the real bottom line on this point is?
A woman feeling safe around her man’s family is something that her man has the ability to control. Full stop.
Don't Assume. Communicate.
GiphyWhen it comes to all that we are discussing here, something that isn’t talked about enough is the fact that sometimes people will feel entitled to being treated a certain type of way — they want everyone to do cartwheels in their presence. And to that, what I will say is, there is nothing wrong with your man’s relatives taking the approach of, “You’re cool, but you’re not our family until you marry him” (which could result in them having a few walls up) or them not wanting to be extra warm ‘n fuzzy — there really isn’t.
The reality is that one of the reasons why there can be so much (potential) in-law angst is because folks will want the dynamic with their man’s relatives to be a certain way, and when it’s not, they act like something is “wrong” when it simply played out to not be what they desire. Not to mention the fact that whenever a person is in a serious relationship, the influence of their partner tends to change them on some levels, and it can take a while for their relatives to adjust. That is beyond understandable, too.
The way to handle all of this is to communicate. In other words, don’t assume that just because you may not be received in the way you expected or even in the way that you want they don’t like you, are against your relationship, or are ultimately plotting your relational demise. Instead, again, run it by your partner, and then, if he green lights it (because you need to respect the boundaries that he has with his own family as well) take the “relative in question” out to get the clarity that you seek.
Ask questions. Express — not demand, request — your wishes. Hear them out. Even if after listening to their side, things still don’t end up being a Disney film, you’ll still be amazed what both people knowing where the other is truly coming from can do for a relationship over time. While assuming puts folks on the defensive, communication typically will bring forth an understanding.
Don’t Force Your “Puzzle Piece”
GiphyAlthough this last point applies to all dynamics, I am speaking mostly to people who are noticing some real issues at the beginning of something new. If having a sense of family has never been that big of a deal to you, then, again, just aiming for mutual respect may be all that you need. Okay, but if you are someone who is all about family and there is tension between the guy you’re seeing and his family and/or you and his family — remember that dating is not marriage.
There is data around (like thishere and thishere) to prove that the influence of in-laws can play a role in a marriage’s ultimate demise. Plus, you should want to be in a long-term relationship where your “puzzle piece” (your personality, your values, your character) fits without feeling like you have to force yourself “into the picture” of someone else’s people.
Listen, although I’ve never been married before, I have been in relationships where the guy’s family adored me, and then I’ve been in a couple where the family was nothing but drama — the latter definitely caused unnecessary stress between the guy and me. Looking back, I know that I would’ve never married those guys either. The drama — their family, along with how they poorly navigated issues with their relatives — simply wasn’t worth it. I wanna “fit” — not force my fit.
____
I said a lot on this because I wanted to cover as many bases as possible. Bottom line, though. Does your man’s family have to like you for your relationship to work with him? So long as you’re not stressing over it, he helps you to feel safe and his DNA respects you, no. If none of this is happening, though, and the two of you are merely dating, please like yourself enough to remove yourself — because, at the end of the day, how the entire situation is being handled is revealing more to you about him and the future of your relationship than just how things are gonna be with his relatives.
Standing ten toes down on that, my friend. I’ve seen too much ish in this lane go left. WAY LEFT. So, please move wisely out here…ya here?
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'Bel-Air' Actress Jazlyn Martin On Her Ongoing Identity Crisis And Its Influence On Her Creative Journey
Jazlyn Martin is a triple-threat performer known most for her role as Jackie on Peacock’sBel-Air. Her character’s fiery personality and questionable decisions have led to a few shocking moments in the series and quite a bit of convo on social media.
Now, I’ll be honest: as an avid TV-lover, I was well-prepared to hop on Zoom and jump into all the chatter around Bel-Air and her characters’ decisions. But after listening to her new EP Identity Crisis, I knew there was a lot more to talk about as well. During this exclusive conversation with xoNecole, Jazlyn Martin delved into the challenging journey she’s faced surrounding her identity, newfound fame, and family influence, and how it all plays a part in her art. Check it out!
xoNecole: So I know that your father is in the entertainment world, but when did you realize you shared the same passion?
Jazlyn Martin: I think it was very early on. I was a child who was full of attitude and fearlessness that would go after anything I wanted. I believe seeing my dad pursue music made me realize it was possible. I just had this hunger and fire, and my parents consciously fed and nurtured that - they are always all super supportive of whatever I do. So very, very early on, I was like, I'm meant to do this. And I just was like, I'm a star, and I know I'm a star.
xoN: Actually, let's talk about your family. What are some of your most important values, and how have your family and heritage played a part in shaping those values?
Jazlyn: I mean, my mom is like an angel; she's so graceful and kind, and I've had to work hard to get there. When I was young, I was very abrasive, headstrong, and stubborn. Whereas my mom gives an immense amount of grace in the way she carries herself. I had to learn that.
I think being strong is something I’ve always had. My parents always joke that they don't know where my personality came from. Because my dad is shy and timid and my mom is kind, and I'm a fireball. But my Dad always asked the important industry questions like, “Why do you want to do this?” And that instilled some purpose into me. It really carried me to keep going because it's so easy to be discouraged in this field, but that drive has helped me push through all of the challenges.
xoN: I bet. I have such a respect for actors and the way you all navigate the industry. Speaking of, let’s dig into “Bel-Air.” Were you a fan of the show? Did you have to go back and watch the episodes?
Jazlyn: So I actually did watch the show which is crazy because sometimes I don’t. I saw it was a reboot and was like, ‘Oh no, not another one.’ But I watched the first three episodes, realized how good it was, and ended up watching the whole season. I became a fan, and then a few months later, I booked the role!
I think the imagination is such a beautiful and powerful tool, and I feel like if you create something in your mind, it happens. It's a crazy thing, but I really just created Jackie's world - the house she grew up in, her parents leaving her, and everything. I created why she fell in love with dance. I really came at it from a human approach. If I see it, then the audience can see it.
xoN: Yeah, background plays into so much of how we deal with things, how we interact with people, and everything. And I feel like Jackie gets a lot of backlash. Like, we’ve all had a “Jackie Moment” to be real.
Jazlyn: She gets so much backlash! I just encourage people to give her grace and see the God in her because I do think she tells a lot of Black and brown girls' stories. People project on her, saying she’s too ratchet or hood, and I’m like does that mean she’s not loveable?
We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her. Because she’s helped me extend empathy to people I don't necessarily want to or don't think deserve to have it. But she's 17, she's figuring it out, and she doesn't have parents. Like, that's such a huge factor.
"We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her."
xoN: You mentioned how your character is viewed, which digs a bit into identity. So I want to talk a little bit about some of the emotional songs on your EP “Identity Crisis.” What inspired the track “Perfect?”
Jazlyn: When I was creating “Perfect,” I already had the EP title. So I kind of mapped out, like, the different conflicts I had in my head and categorized them into seven songs, and so one of my identity crises was being perfect. Because I feel like a lot of men tend to put women on pedestals. They're expected to be perfect - especially when you’re in the limelight. You know, you can't slip up. You can't say the wrong thing. Cancel culture is such a huge thing. And I just wanted to encourage people to give people grace to be themselves because that's not an easy thing to do.
I just wanted to take down this facade that I’m perfect because I never pretended to be. I never wanted to be. I think that's something people have placed on me, that I have it all figured out, I think I just carry it well, but that doesn't mean it's not heavy. I just wanted to be very vulnerable and honest. I think people think “perfect” is a compliment, but I think it's a cage because it doesn't allow room for error. It doesn't allow for you to be human and mess up and fail and take risks. So I just wanted to encourage grace.
xoN: Do you ever feel like you went through an identity crisis?
Jazlyn: I go through one constantly. Growing up, I didn't really have one. But I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just “other.” That was an identity crisis in itself.
Also, being introduced to a level of fame has been interesting, too. I think we all go through identity crises all the time because we’re evolving and changing. It’s beautiful, but it’s also scary; you see yourself this one way, and then something happens, and there’s a shift. So yeah, I think it’s something we all go through but no one talks about.
"I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just 'other.'"
xoN: I love that. And I know Hispanic Heritage Month is coming up, and you'll be speaking at the New York Latino Film Festival. Talk to me about what that moment means to you and what you hope to bring to the event. *Editor’s note: The interview was conducted before Hispanic Heritage Month began.
Jazlyn: I’m bringing some Afro-Latino-ness! I always grew up seeing Latinos being represented in a very specific way—very Spanish, not very Indigenous looking. So I'm really excited to bring the Black experience, with the Latino experience, to the stage because that's something a lot of people don't know exists.
People are always like, “Are you Black or Latina?” Well, I'm both! We were just dropped off in different parts. I’m excited to speak on that and highlight how prevalent anti-Blackness is within Latino communities. A lot of Afro-Latinos have faced an identity crisis because of it, including myself. It sometimes feels like you’re supposed to hate the other half of who you are.
For me, I held onto that little Black girl inside. I refused to let her go. And that’s what I want to represent when I speak—resilience and acceptance of our full selves. I’m also looking forward to meeting fellow Latino people, especially Afro-Latinos, and sharing our stories. It’s not a narrative that gets much attention, and I’m excited to represent.
xoN: I’m excited for you! Finally, with all the praise and recognition you’re receiving now, what has it been like to transition from working in music, dance, and acting to now being in the spotlight? How have you embraced this new level of fame?
Jazlyn: Um, it's overwhelming. I think that's the best word. Sometimes, I'm joyful, because I'm giving back to the community. People resonate with Jackie's stories and see themselves in her, which I think is the biggest compliment to me. But then sometimes, you know, I feel sad because I'm like, ‘Damn, I'm not doing enough,’ like I should be doing more. It's crazy, the industry is so fast-paced that you don't really try to celebrate wins. It's just a transition, an identity crisis of the like.
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The changing seasons can sometimes affect your mood and/ or your sleep. While it's normal, it can throw your body off and make you groggy and irritable. And no one wants to deal with that. Well, the experts at HAYPP have researched some popular sleep hacks, so you don't have to.
TikTok has become a go-to source for learning tips and tricks for just about anything, and they have numerous videos on different sleep hacks that people swear by. HAYPP rounded up the best sleep hacks found on TikTok that may actually work.
Keep reading below.
Acupressure
@oldtown_acupuncturist Sleep better tonight with acupressure #acupressure #acupuncturist #insomnia How to sleep better with acupressure point
This is also known as the peaceful sleep acupuncture point, aka Anmian, and can be found one cm right behind the middle of your ears. While this hack has been around for ages, Dr. Eileen brought it back to the forefront on TikTok. To try this technique, lie on your back and, for about a minute, apply gentle pressure behind both ears with your thumb.
While you may be familiar with acupuncture as sticking needles into your body, it actually helps to remove blockages that cause imbalances so energy can flow. Acupressure works the same way. In fact, a study of 25 patients with sleep disorders were treated with acupressure, and 60% experienced better sleep within the first 10 days.
Tart Cherry Juice
@naraazizasmith who has tried this?? #fypシ #sleepygirlmocktail #drink #marriage #mocktails
There's a reason tart cherry juice, with the help of magnesium and prebiotic soda, went viral. This concoction became known as the sleepy girl mocktail and has amassed 28.2 million views on TikTok. Tart cherry juice contains tryptophan, which increases the production of melatonin. It has also been linked to reducing stress levels, weight loss, and hydration.
Cricket Feet
@funwithangedhd #adhdawarenessmonth #adhd #cricketing #fidgettofocus #stimming I've cricketed my feet for as long as I can remember, and multiple family members have done this, too. just thought it was a #Bonebrake thing! 🤣 #adhdgenetics
Cricketing, aka cricket feet, is another powerful sleep hack that everyone is talking about on TikTok. The trend, which was made popular by the content creator @notyouraveragethrpst, involves rubbing your feet together to soothe yourself to sleep. Because our feet also have pressure points, applying gentle pressure, like rubbing behind your ears, can lead to better sleep as it reduces the stress hormone.
Cognitive Shuffling
@thesleep_md Have you tried cognitive shuffling? If you have racing thoughts that keep you at night, then you should! This is a cognitive technique that works in a couple of ways The 1st is that it distracts your brain from racing thoughts But the 2nd and most interesting is that the random nature of the activity actually puts you in a dream like state that makes it easier to transition into sleep In order to do this, you start by thinking of a random word like "Bedtime" And you start visualizing random images to go along with each letter in the word For example for the letter "B" you might think of a broom, or a box or a book You continue vizualizing images for each letter until you run out of ideas, then move on to the next letter You continue doing so until you eventually fall asleep Which for many, happens within the first 10 to 15 minutes Share with a friend who needs to try this! #sleepspecialist #sleepstruggles #bettersleep #sleepbetter #sleeptips #fallasleepfast
Cognitive shuffling is a hack that claims to have you asleep in five minutes or less. This technique involves listing random things in your mind until you fall asleep, which may be good for overthinkers who have a hard time shutting off their brain.
Drunken Monkeys
@usamedical I know I look like a drunken monkey 🙈 #sleeptips #sleepbetter #howtosleepbetter #sleep #sleephack
Usamedical originally shared the drunken monkey hack, and it has since been viewed on TikTok 955.5k times. The drunken monkey requires that you move your weight from side to side on your hips, rolling your shoulders back and flapping your arms about (like a monkey who’s had one too many).
It's recommended that you do this technique one minute before bed to increase blood flow, which in turn allows you to relax.
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