
Like many young women, I often find myself thinking about marriage, complete with the white picket fence and other cliches that you see in chick flicks. However, while dreaming of the perfect life with my husband, I often wonder if it's even in my destiny to be married and enjoy my happily ever after under one roof with someone else.
I've always liked being to myself in my own space, doing my own thing. I'd get irritated when anyone (including my parents) would just come casually into to my room to chit chat if I wasn't in the mood or if my friends would want to hang out in my house after school when I'd much rather go home, eat snacks and watch The Tyra Banks Show.
As a small child, I wouldn't even ask for help with my homework from anyone; I'd much rather figure it out by myself and enjoy the one part of the day that I got to spend alone. I've never even shared a dorm room with someone in college for goodness sakes. For me, personal space has always been a must.
These feelings intensified, as I got older, especially in my last relationship. Though we did not live together, being under the same roof for an extended amount of time (usually just a few days to a few weeks) led to utter disaster, especially when it was my space that we were sharing. Around the third day of our very temporary cohabitation, I'd become irritated by everything he did. His messy habits, loud snoring, bad taste in television programming, and anything else he did was more than enough to take me over the edge.
Years into this relationship, as we began to spend more time together under one roof, I began to question if the big house with the white picket fence and beautiful front yard is something that I realistically wanted and could handle. Or did I truly just like the idea of it? Don't judge me, but there have been times that I've cried, not because of my significant other getting on my nerves (if I even had one left at this point), but because I didn't understand or could even control feeling the way I did. How could I love someone and not stand being around them? If this is what comes along with marriage, it was time for me to reconsider.
Luckily for me, I'm not alone for once. There are millions of people that are in healthy, functioning Living Apart Together (LAT) relationships. A LAT relationship is one in which couples in long-term relationships or married choose to live separately. It's very different from a long-distance relationship for the simple fact that these couples can live miles or blocks away from one another, or sometimes even in the same apartment buildings. They spend time together when they can (usually evenings and weekends), but prefer to never live under one roof. After reading the New York Times article Living Apart Together last week, which was the topic of conversation amongst my colleagues, I began to dip deeper into this concept.
For obvious reasons, this sort of lifestyle is more suitable for couples who don't have young children involved (though it happens), such as younger couples in serious relationships planning to get married one day, and older couples who have older children from past marriages and are pretty much set in their ways. It's now being seen in the U.S. primarily amongst young couples in their 20s and 30s, and couples age 55+, but has been a growing phenomenon in countries such as Britain, Sweden, and Canada for decades now.
I've watched my own mother and her boyfriend live a LAT lifestyle and never once considered it as an option for myself. She has been engaged in the past, but the tension that formed living under one roof was too much to bear and caused a major riff in the relationship. There are many reasons why LAT couples prefer this type of relationship and wouldn't change it unless it was absolutely necessary:
- The dynamics of a LAT relationship keeps the spontaneity in the relationship and the boredom out.
- More effort is usually put into things such as date nights because of the time that couple spend apart.
- Trivial arguments that sometimes may occur living under one roof leading to big blow ups don't occur.
- The passion in the relationship is continuously brewing naturally because of personal space.
Of course for any list of pros, there's a list of cons to accompany it. LAT couples also recognize that their choice of lifestyle lacks some things that would be found in a traditional cohabitation or a one-roof marriage:
- Trust is tested on a whole other level. Even though your significant other can cheat on you living in the same household, that space may give someone with underlying commitment issues even more free range to cheat.
- Living apart doesn't allow for the level of intimacy that typically exists in a traditional relationship. If you're having nightmare or had a bad day at work on a day away from you're partner, you're pretty much out of luck until you guys see each other again.
- If you care about not being the status quo, how others view your relationship may bother you.
Though I hope that with time I'll be able to feel comfortable with the idea of sharing a space with my partner and/or husband, I accept the fact that I may not be about that life. It's refreshing to know that there are alternatives for people much like myself. Of course, I could just suck it up and just go by what society tells us to do, but in all honestly, I feel every situation deserves its own solution; the solution to my desperate need of personal space possibly being a LAT relationship.
What are your personal feelings towards LAT relationships? Are they a recipe for disaster? Or is the traditional idea of marriage and relationships not made for everyone?
'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by
The Acne Expert-Approved Skincare Routine This Author Swears By
In About Face, xoNecole gets the 411 on IGers who give us #skincaregoals on a daily. Here they break down their beauty routines on the inside and out, as well as the highly coveted products that grace their shelves and their skin.
For historian and influencer Blair Imani, beauty is in the details. Because she never really had acne outside of the occasional zit, she never really saw the importance of creating a skincare routine. However, the year 2020 marked a change for her and the way she approached taking care of her skin. “I had to make peace with the fact that I was getting acne in my adulthood,” she recalls. “It made me step back and realize that I was not taking care of myself, and I was putting a lot of value in whether or not I had acne. Choosing to confront that insecurity and focus on recognizing my beauty despite what I’d been taught has made all the difference.”
In addition to a newly implemented skincare regimen, the Los Angeles-based creator takes care of herself through her anxiety and ADHD medications, prayer, stretching, reciting mirror affirmations, and intentional forms of self-care. She tells xoNecole, “Self-care for me has been shifting to adding more plant-based proteins to my diet and pausing before I react to things. I’ve been learning the importance of amplifying the good instead of shouting at the bad and trying to apply that in my work.”
As an author, self-expression is something Imani knows a thing or two about. In our conversation, the 28-year-old recalls leaning into makeup at the age of five. Whereas her peers had parents who stigmatized makeup, her parents fostered her freedom of creativity and self-expression through makeup. It would eventually lead to one of her most significant beauty lessons: “You can just wear lipstick. You don’t need to wear a full face of foundation and concealer to justify it.” For Imani’s biggest beauty lesson to be centered on lipstick is quite the alignment as the woman behind the best-selling book, Read This to Get Smarter, has also created a beauty line where lipstick is the star of the show.
The Blair Imani x Fempower Beauty Smarter Lip Sets launched early last month and is a collection of matte/dewy lip color duos that include bold shades, nude shades, as well as shades paired with affirmations of mirror decals. Her favorites from the collection? “For a basic [shade], it’s 'Self,' and for a statement, it’s 'Ubuntu.' But my must-have is 'Ujamaa' which is our bold scarlet red with a message about resource sharing and cooperative economics.”
Kaelan Barowsky
Courtesy of Blair Imani
Imani shares about entering the beauty space with her own collection, “It was so aligned. It didn’t feel like a departure, it felt like a continuation of my work in a new arena.” She continued, “Turning it into a business partnership that was mutually beneficial and was helping folks to get smarter through the medium of lipstick was an obvious path forward.”
Keep scrolling for more insight into Blair Imani’s morning and night skincare routines.
Blair Imani’s A.M. Skincare Routine Looks Like…
Step One: Double Cleanse
Face Reality L-Mandelic Face and Body Wash
Face Reality Skincare
“In the morning, I start with a double cleanse. I use Face Reality’s Ultra Gentle Cleanser first and follow that with the Face Reality L-Mandelic Face and Body Wash. I love that these are a gentle way to remove excess oil. At first, I was on the fence about washing my face twice, but it actually helps because I need different kinds of oil removal.”
Step Two: Tone
Face Reality Calming Facial Toner
Face Reality Skincare
“I follow that with my Face Reality Calming Facial Toner, which I have in a spray bottle and spritz on my face. Sometimes I mix it with the Thayers Cucumber Facial Toner. I love how they make my skin feel refreshed and hydrated.”
Step Three: Moisturize
Bloom Effects Royal Tulip Moisturizing Nectar
Bloom Effects
“I also add the Royal Tulip Moisturizing Nectar from Bloom Effects for moisture. It’s really gentle and I love how my skin feels after I’ve let it soak in.”
Step Four: Lip Care
Smarter Lip Set "The Nudes"
Fempower Beauty
“I make sure to put on a Smarter Lip Set even if it’s one of the sheer glosses because of the hydrating hyaluronic acid that Fempower infused into the formula. Don’t forget that lip care is part of skincare too!”
Blair Imani’s P.M. Skincare Routine
Step Five: Acne & Spot Treatment
Face Reality Sulfur Spot Treatment
Face Reality Skincare
“In the evening, I do my exact morning routine, but I add in two products: the Face Reality 10% Acne Med and the Face Reality Sulfur Spot Treatment. I love putting these on in the evening so that they have time to take effect while I’m sleeping. Then, I wake up and I do it all again!”
Featured image by Kaelan Barowsky, illustration by Kyra Jay
Originally published on April 13, 2022