What’s Your Ideal (Potential) In-Law Dynamic?

Several years ago, I attended a wedding where, when the couple was about to leave after the reception, the groom’s mother refused to come out and wave “goodbye.” I knew some of the backstory behind what was going on, and it was more than just her seeing her baby boy move on into another season of his life. His new wife (at least at the time; the mother-in-law has seemed to be able to manipulate her pretty well over the past few years) had her own mind, and it oftentimes clashed with her soon-to-be MIL (mother-in-law). So, essentially, what she was grieving was that her younger son was about to get a backbone.

I pretty much figured that what I witnessed that day was symbolic of what the mother-and-law and daughter-in-law’s dynamic was going to be — its own tug of war, on several levels. And while I know that it bothered the wife that it was that way, something that she would say that I found to be pretty on-point is, “I don’t need her to be my mother. I have a mother.” So true, so true.

Sometimes, when you’re dating — or considering marrying — someone and you don’t have the most ideal connection with either all or some of their family, you will find yourself overextending to try and turn things into the idea that you always desired. Yeah, please don’t do that.

If you’re already seeing some yellow, orange, or red flags, sensing some dysfunction, and/or you know that you and your man’s mama (or sisters or whomever) may not become BFFs, it’s really best to 1) address it with him to get an idea of his thoughts on the matter; 2) grieve that your ideal may not end up being your reality and 3) prepare to make peace with that — if you decide to stay, that is. Oh, and a bonus: try to not take it personally.

Sometimes, the strain with a man’s family is due to issues that have been going on long before you ever came into the picture. So long as you are kind, respectful, and consistent when it comes to dealing with them, you are creating good karma.

And who knows? Maybe, in time, you can get to your ideal. All I’m saying is don’t beat yourself up or — and this is so important — take it out on your relationship if it doesn’t happen to play out that way. You can have a cordial dynamic with his family without everyone being in each other’s laps all of the time.

Like Is Cool. Respect Is Better.

You marry them, not their family. One of the dumbest things I’ve heard was that sentence right there, and it came from a guy who 1) had a pretty unhealthy relationship with his in-laws and 2) is now divorced from his wife — and yes, his somewhat unstable dynamic with his in-laws played a significant role in the breakdown of his marriage. SMDH.

So here’s the deal: Yes, when you marry someone, the way it should go is that the two of you move on from the families you were born into so that you can create one of your own. What I’m speaking of here is not a total disconnect; however, you should be having your own boundaries, traditions, and ways of doing things that don’t require either of your family’s permission or approval.

That said, when people raise their kids with the mindset that “I am raising adults not children” (which is how it should be in my opinion), the shift of their kids leaving their house to start a life of their own with someone else tends to be relatively drama-free (especially if they happen to like who their adult child chose).

Oh, but when parents never emotionally prepared themselves for their kids to “get out of the nest,” sometimes they think they are supposed to “parent them” through their relationship — and that is where things can get toxic as hell; it’s also where you will need to set some limits and some of those, his family (or yours) may not be very fond of.

And so, as they are going through the process of adjusting to all of this, they may not like you very much. Hell, they may not even like their own child very much, either. It doesn’t matter. Although yes, it would be ideal (and honestly easier) if your man’s family did adore you, the thing that you really want is for them to respect you.

People who respect you listen to what you say. People who respect you don’t try to gaslight you out of your own boundaries. People who respect you will bring concerns directly to you instead of talking behind your back. People who respect you will acknowledge your needs and feelings. People who respect you will treat you like an adult and not a child.

Hmph. It’s kind of another message for another time how, when you look for your man’s family to like you over respecting you, you may not even end up with a lot of what I just said because people can like someone and still attempt to run over them. Hell, sometimes, what they like is that they can (some of y’all will catch that later). So yes, above all else, what you need to strive for is respect. In other words, choose to see “like” as the icing, not the cake.

How Good Is Your Guy with Boundaries?

Speaking of boundaries…not too long ago, I checked out a Black indie film entitled Mother May I? Have mercy, that mother was beyond controlling and without giving too much away; a big part of it was because she was paranoid because she was sneaky as hell (a lot of people are controlling because of that very reason; that’s another message for another time, though). And although she was definitely the most triggering character to watch, I can’t lie and say that her son didn’t piss me off a few times too.

Whenever she would talk to him like a child, disrespect his girlfriend, or when she slapped him, I was damn near yelling at the screen like, “Sir. She may be your mother, but disrespect is disrespect.” Y’all, stop thinking that your parents love you well if they are willing to disrespect you; love and respect are designed to go hand in hand in healthy relationships — any kind of healthy relationship.

Anyway, as I continued to watch, I thought about a friend of mine who used to be in a marriage with a man who not only tolerated emotional abuse from his mother but also allowed his now ex-wife to be subjected to it as well. In fact, to this day, he is so unbelievably codependent on his mother that while he was married to my friend, he thought it was her job to not only overlook the crazy ish that his mom would say to her, he also wanted his wife to bend over backward like he does in order to try and make things work.

Toxic upon toxic…upon toxic.

The sad thing about all of this is that when my friend was dating this guy and then living with him (and his mother — don’t get me started) prior to saying “I do,” she saw red flags. She saw where, more times than not, he took his mother’s side, too. She also witnessed where he would allow his mother to wreck his moods along with where he would allow his mom to pretty much say and do whatever while simply saying to her, “I mean, just be the bigger person.”

No, sir, you learn how to grow up and get some boundaries with your mother because, when it comes to the role of being a protector and provider for your wife, that means doing everything in your power to keep her out of harm’s way, period — and if that harm is a relative, guess what?

My friend? She went through years of drama, trauma, and foolishness because she tried to act like this man and his mother’s issues would somehow just go away with time. Nah, that man needs/needed therapy, his mother needs/needed therapy, and then both of them need to go to therapy together. However, if there is a “beauty for ashes” in all of this, it’s the fact that, hopefully, her story will cause someone reading this to “pause” if they notice that their own guy isn’t good at setting boundaries with his own relatives, especially when it comes to protecting his relationship when it comes to them.

Because again, while everyone doesn’t have to hold hands and sing “Kumbaya, My Lord,” no man should have the woman he’s with feeling like she’s in a danger zone of some sort whenever his family is in her presence. There is absolutely no wiggle room on that either because you wanna know what the real bottom line on this point is?

A woman feeling safe around her man’s family is something that her man has the ability to control. Full stop.

Don't Assume. Communicate.

When it comes to all that we are discussing here, something that isn’t talked about enough is the fact that sometimes people will feel entitled to being treated a certain type of way — they want everyone to do cartwheels in their presence. And to that, what I will say is, there is nothing wrong with your man’s relatives taking the approach of, “You’re cool, but you’re not our family until you marry him” (which could result in them having a few walls up) or them not wanting to be extra warm ‘n fuzzy — there really isn’t.

The reality is that one of the reasons why there can be so much (potential) in-law angst is because folks will want the dynamic with their man’s relatives to be a certain way, and when it’s not, they act like something is “wrong” when it simply played out to not be what they desire. Not to mention the fact that whenever a person is in a serious relationship, the influence of their partner tends to change them on some levels, and it can take a while for their relatives to adjust. That is beyond understandable, too.

The way to handle all of this is to communicate. In other words, don’t assume that just because you may not be received in the way you expected or even in the way that you want they don’t like you, are against your relationship, or are ultimately plotting your relational demise. Instead, again, run it by your partner, and then, if he green lights it (because you need to respect the boundaries that he has with his own family as well) take the “relative in question” out to get the clarity that you seek.

Ask questions. Express — not demand, request — your wishes. Hear them out. Even if after listening to their side, things still don’t end up being a Disney film, you’ll still be amazed what both people knowing where the other is truly coming from can do for a relationship over time. While assuming puts folks on the defensive, communication typically will bring forth an understanding.

Don’t Force Your “Puzzle Piece”

Although this last point applies to all dynamics, I am speaking mostly to people who are noticing some real issues at the beginning of something new. If having a sense of family has never been that big of a deal to you, then, again, just aiming for mutual respect may be all that you need. Okay, but if you are someone who is all about family and there is tension between the guy you’re seeing and his family and/or you and his family — remember that dating is not marriage.

There is data around (like this here and this here) to prove that the influence of in-laws can play a role in a marriage’s ultimate demise. Plus, you should want to be in a long-term relationship where your “puzzle piece” (your personality, your values, your character) fits without feeling like you have to force yourself “into the picture” of someone else’s people.

Listen, although I’ve never been married before, I have been in relationships where the guy’s family adored me, and then I’ve been in a couple where the family was nothing but drama — the latter definitely caused unnecessary stress between the guy and me. Looking back, I know that I would’ve never married those guys either. The drama — their family, along with how they poorly navigated issues with their relatives — simply wasn’t worth it. I wanna “fit” — not force my fit.

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I said a lot on this because I wanted to cover as many bases as possible. Bottom line, though. Does your man’s family have to like you for your relationship to work with him? So long as you’re not stressing over it, he helps you to feel safe and his DNA respects you, no. If none of this is happening, though, and the two of you are merely dating, please like yourself enough to remove yourself — because, at the end of the day, how the entire situation is being handled is revealing more to you about him and the future of your relationship than just how things are gonna be with his relatives.

Standing ten toes down on that, my friend. I’ve seen too much ish in this lane go left. WAY LEFT. So, please move wisely out here…ya here?

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