A hill that I will forever and a day die on is, (sometimes) questionable press aside, if you want some pretty good marriage counseling that is absolutely free, walk up into a Cracker Barrel before noon. I can’t tell you how many one-liners that have stayed with me after having impromptu conversations with the married senior couples who are up in there — and yes, they have been of all ethnicities.
In the meantime, if you’re curious about if there are any celebrities in cyberspace who have some gems to share, there are actually a few.
For instance, take Denzel and Pauletta Washington who’ve been married 41 years this past June. Denzel has been very candid about how he’s found “his very good thing” (including the fact that she paid the cab fare for their first date for all of you coffee date haters) and Pauletta has made it very clear that marriage requires a lot of work; that there is no “secret formula.”
Then there’s Samuel L. Jackson and his wife of 45 years next August, LaTanya. Just recently, he made headlines for saying, “I’ve done s--- in my marriage that’s crazy, you know? She has, too, in her head, or whatever in reality, but you got to go, 'Is that a breakup offense?' Or is it just that we need to spend a little time together and get some understanding about it?"
And then there’s choreographer, director, producer, actor — so many other “ers” and “ors” supreme, Debbie Allen. She and her former NBA player husband, Norm Nixon, celebrated 40 years of marriage this past spring. There are a few pearls of wisdom that she shared in a PEOPLE article that I want to tell you about; then, I’d like to add a couple of tips of my own.
Hopefully, by the time this piece is done, all of the content will serve as confirmation that if you truly want a marriage that will really go the distance, it’s not always gonna be a rom-com (those are scripted films) or a fairy tale (those are unbelievable stories for children).
Y’all, a long-term marriage is definitely where the big kids play. It’s not for the faint of heart, the selfish of the soul, or the people who don’t say what they mean and mean what they say when they speak their wedding vows. Yeah, “til death do us part” requires sweat equity, for sure. When it comes to building something beautiful, it can be worth your while, though.
Three Things That Have Kept Debbie Allen’s Marriage Together
Okay, first, a big round of applause for the fact that Debbie will be 75 in January and Norm is 68 this month (yep, Debbie married a younger man. Somebody needed that pointed out as a confirmation for their own relationship…call it a feeling). Next, just look at how smooth they move and — shoot — how limber Norm is in this here IG post! Yeah, something tells me that they’ve got (eh hem) another thing that holds them together — yet I digress. LOL.
Anyway, when asked by PEOPLE what got her and Norm to the 40-year mark, this is what Debbie had to say:
“So wherever there have been differences and there have been. Honey, over 40 years, child, we've hit some rocks and hit some walls. But at the end of the day, we really love each other and we sleep together every night and we love our family.”
Did you catch that? No matter what valleys and challenges made their way into their relationship, 1) there is a genuine love that Debbie and Norm share; 2) they sleep together every night, and 3) there is a real love that they have for their family.
What I read between the lines is one, their love isn’t just a feeling; it is a commitment and honestly, that is not taught enough in these premarital sessions out here. Listen, if you are only going to get married based on how someone makes you feel, you really do need to remain single. FEELINGS ARE FICKLE.
Two, they share a marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4) — each and every night. There is no “go sleep on the couch” (I really don’t get how folks get put out of their own bed; imagine if your partner tried to do that to you). Now, peep that she didn’t say that they always go to bed happy or pleased with one another; she said that they make sure that, at the end of the day, they always share that sacred space.
And finally, there is a love that they have for family. Family is a unit. A part of what marriage is about is two people doing their absolute best to keep the family unit together. Yeah, I know that’s antiquated thinking for a lot of folks, yet that’s why many older couples make it past 40 years, and many younger ones can’t even seem to get to five. #justsaying
As I reflected on what Debbie said, it got me to thinking about conversations that I’ve had with married couples who have at least three decades of “I do” under their belts, along with some of the things that I’ve recommended to husbands and wives who desire to reach that goal.
If you’re curious about what some of those things are, I’ve included five of ‘em below.
1. Prepare for Seasons. Ahead of Time.
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Although it’s October, and I’m currently waiting for it to be “fall for real” in Music City (geeze), I’ve been getting clothing for the fall and winter seasons since my birthday (which is June). Why? Because the prices tend to be cheaper. The moral to the story here: don’t wait for the seasons to come before you get ready for them — that literally can cost you. Dearly.
This applies to the weather and the seasons of life too. Y’all, when it comes to marriage, specifically, I’ve been known to say that women deserve to have a big and lavish party called a wedding because, contrary to the popular assumption of far too many, you are a BRIDE for a day; then you are a WIFE for a lifetime. Scripture says that a wife is a helpmate (Genesis 2:18).
Even beyond that, the Hebrew word for helpmate is ezer kenegdo, which means lifesaver. If that doesn’t sound like something that requires a lot of energy and effort, I don’t know what does. And here’s the thing — if you go into your union aware of the fact that it’s not going to be a party all of the time, that you indeed will hit some, as Debbie put it, “rocks and walls,” you won’t be so shocked when they happen.
You will already have some tips, tools, and hacks in your arsenal to get through those seasons (check out “10 Hacks To Get Your Marriage Back On Track” and “The Greatest Hack To Get A Marriage Through The Tough Times”). Because, just like you can’t stop winter from coming, at the end of the day, all you can do is get ready; maturity teaches you the same thing about the “winter season” of marriage. Real talk.
2. Give the Mercy and Grace That You Want to Receive
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There’s a Scripture in the Bible that says, “mercies are new every morning” (Lamentations 3:22-23). Interestingly enough, what follows that line is, “great is your faithfulness.” Although this is actually talking about how God loves us, let’s not act like Scripture also doesn’t say that husbands should “love their wives like Christ loves the Church” (Ephesians 5:24). Yeah, from a spiritual angle, marriage is supposed to be a supernatural kind of love.
It’s not supposed to be easy, common or simple. Supernatural things never are. And I can only imagine how many marriages would last if Christians (who divorce more than any other faith in this country, by the way) decided to be merciful and faithful to their partners…on a daily basis.
Yet even beyond that particular religion, imagine what marriage would look like, period, if couples saw being merciful, all of the time, as being an act of faithfulness. And what does it mean to be a merciful person? Merciful people are compassionate; they try to do what they can to reduce the suffering of others. Merciful people are tender; they are sympathetic and gentle (in word, deed, and tone).
Merciful people are forgiving; this one right here? I am floored by how many people want to be forgiven for their mistakes and yet can’t seem to muster up some for others. Yeah, if you’re not a good forgiver, marriage is not for you. Merciful people are tolerant; if you don’t know how to be patient and endure some things, this is also a reason to not jump anybody’s broom.
Merciful people like to be generous and bless others — again, selfish people should never get married. All they care about is what they can get out of something or someone. And then there’s grace.
An uncomplicated way to define grace would be it’s about extending favor to another person — oftentimes when they don’t deserve it (that is key). Favor is about kindness and giving someone preferential treatment (your spouse definitely deserves that). Favor doesn’t keep record or score. It doesn’t go tit-for-tat. It doesn’t “match energy.”
Favor likes peace. Favor likes unity. Favor seeks solutions instead of problems. A lot of marriages struggle because while a certain level of love is present, there isn’t much mercy or grace to speak of.
3. Don’t Manipulate Intimacy
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Whether you’re married or not, you should never use sex (or any form of intimacy, really) to get what you want from another person — and yet, it happens all of the time.
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how many wives I have had sessions with who will withhold sex in order to get an outfit that is out of the monthly budget or to deflect from being held accountable for something that they did wrong. Sex is not to be a manipulation tool — it’s not something that you are to use to control your partner.
Sex is a physical way to express love to and for your spouse, connect with them in a very deep and profound way, and spend a very special form of quality time together (check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important”). If you attempt to use sex for any other reason, all that really ends up doing is cause a breakdown of trust between you and your spouse, which can lead to resentment, emotional distance, and, before long, possible acts of infidelity.
And just how often should married couples have sex? Studies say that once a week (or four times a month) is a good indication of a healthy sex life between long-term couples. And before some of you hem and haw like that is too much — if you can prioritize 2.5 hours a day on social media, you can find an hour to be intimate with your partner once a week (check out “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex”). Yeah, let’s not play those games.
When you got married, you signed up to have a consistent sex life with your spouse (as much as is physically possible). If you didn’t want to treat sex like a marital responsibility…you already know what I am going to say, right? Sex isn’t a hobby in marriage; it is foundational for its longevity.
4. Treat Therapy Like Oil Changes
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There is nothing like a gaslighting person. Ugh. Right now, yep in real time, I’ve got a friend who recently went through a divorce and another who is going through one of the most challenging times in her marriage ever. The one who is divorced has an ex-husband who constantly tries to guilt trip her about “breaking up the family” when I can personally attest to the fact that his refusal to go through personal therapy and also marital counseling is what brought her to her breaking point.
Just one request and he refused (and still refuses). Then my other friend’s husband’s pride is completely off the charts. Somehow, he is constantly recommending therapy to others while believing that he is not a huge part of the problem in his own home (hypocrite much?).
It's another article for another time about how we need to remain as hypervigilant as possible about removing the stigma surrounding life coaching, counseling, and therapy (including sex therapy — check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Even beyond that, when it comes to marriage specifically, we need to move past the position that the relationship needs to be two seconds away from divorce before seeking out a professional.
What I tend to advise to married folks is they should look at marriage counseling like a car that needs an oil change — like a car on the road, marriage is also its own kind of journey, and counseling can help spouses to “take each other’s temperature,” unpack any problems (or potential problems) and gain some insight that can help them to avoid certain “bumps in the road.”
That’s why, even once consistent sessions with my clients are complete, I will recommend that they at least check in with me a couple of times a year, preferably once a season. Why? Because, when they say that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, greater words have never been spoken when it comes to the importance and relevance of marriage counseling. Trust and believe, chile.
5. As You Change, Express It
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I can’t tell you how many times I have said that, as far as relationships are concerned, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” When it comes to Denzel and Pauletta, Samuel and LaTanya, Norm and Debbie, I think what makes me honor them most is the fact that…well, think of how many times you’ve gone through some transitions and evolutions, shoot, just in the past three years alone.
For two people to remain committed to one another as they are growing, oftentimes at different times in a myriad of different areas, that deserves its own level of props.
And that actually circles back to what I meant about not basing your marriage on mere feelings. While so many people say that they divorced because “they outgrew their spouse,” isn’t it interesting how some of their close friendships remained intact? That’s because we oftentimes have more patience, compromise, and flexibility for our friends — and oftentimes, that is because we actually value them more than our own partners…and that is because many of us weren’t taught to esteem marriage like we actually should.
Okay, but back to my main point on this one. It’s a given that you’re going to not be the exact same person that you were on your wedding day. Know who else isn’t going to be? Your spouse. True commitment says that we don’t leave because we change; we change, and then we express it to our partner so that we can find some common ground to continue on that path that we said we would walk on…together.
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Best-selling author Dr. Barbara DeAngelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun. It’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” As I close this out, look back at Debbie and Norm on that IG post. Take in the love, humor, and connection that is shared between them.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. A marriage of 40 years isn’t either.
Oh, but how beautiful the end result of both is to behold, right?
Salute.
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I’ve shared before that waste means “to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return,” and if you are doing things that don’t really give you an ROI on the minutes and hours that you will never see again, to a large extent, you are definitely wasting your time. One way to avoid doing that is to manage your time wisely, and one way to do that is to incorporate a quote by author Stephen Covey: “The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” That’ll preach. A few sermons.
So, how can you know, without question, that you could stand to do some fine-tuning when it comes to time management? Well, for starters, if the following eight things apply to you on some level, you definitely could use some work on improving your time management skills. ASAP too.
1. You Spend Too Much Time on Social Media
GiphyReportedly, 10-15 percent of marriages are sexless. To be a part of category, it means that you have sex with your spouse no more than 10-12 times a year. What this basically boils down to is if you only engage in copulation once a month, you technically fall into this demographic (by the way, you’re considered to have a healthy marital sex life if you engage in coitus no less than once a week).
Where am I going with all of this? Well, whenever I have clients who are sexless and one or both of them tell me that they don’t have time for intimacy, one of the first things that I ask is how much time they spend on social media — and boy, you should see their faces. LOL.
There really is no telling how many times I’ve shared on this platform that most people spend somewhere around 2.5 hours, daily, on social media AND that most people are fine with intercourse lasting between 7-13 minutes. So nah, it doesn’t fly that if you’re not gettin’ it in with your partner, it’s because you’ve run out of time. A quickie alone gives you PLENTY of it.
It won’t feel that way, though, if you’re on social media for — shoot, the length of time of a movie (and then one sitcom episode). And that’s what you’ve got to watch about your time, in general, because if you are online a whopping 150 minutes each and every day — think about all of the other things that you could be getting done: exercising, meal prepping, goal-setting, catching up with family members and friends…so much, chile.
Social media as a form of entertainment or escapism is cool. Most experts say that beyond 30 minutes a day is leaning into it being somewhat counterproductive, though (unless you are getting actual work done on it). So yeah, if you want to become a master at time management, using self-discipline while being on your social media accounts is a great way to start.
Social media time management hack: Turn on a 30-minute sitcom and scroll as you watch it. Once it’s over — BING! You know that you’ve been on IG, TikTok or Facebook for 30 minutes straight.
2. You Are (Almost) Always Late
GiphyBack in my 20s, it was nothing for me to be late — if I showed up to something (that I said I was coming to) at all. And boy, was I being selfish, entitled and disrespectful of other people’s time. Yeah, you don’t really realize until you’re on the receiving end of someone’s tardiness (especially perpetual tardiness) just how irresponsible it can be to not show up at the time when you said that you would. Because really, if it — whatever “it” is — was gonna be, whenever, why was a time set in the first place?
Not to mention the fact that being late tends to have a ripple effect because, unless you and someone else were going to be together for an entire day, they typically have other things to do after leaving you — and your lateness could affect their already planned schedule.
Effective time management means that you plan things when you know that you can do them, you give yourself enough time to arrive on time — and if, for some reason, you’re going to be late, you respect the person enough to let them know.
Besides, people who keep schedules tend to be less stressed — and because they value other people’s time enough to not waste it, their relationships tend to be more easy-going too. That’s because respecting time cultivates trust; it makes you appear reliable which is always a good thing.
How to be on time hack: Add time to your time. What I mean by that is, if you told someone that you would meet up with them at 6:30 and you are 20 minutes away, add 20 minutes to that time. It helps when it comes to unexpected traffic and prevents you from rushing.
3. You Don’t Have Daily Goals
GiphyIdle hands are the devil’s workshop. King Solomon was once inspired to say that. Hmph. While we’re here, he also said that idle lips are his mouthpiece (just sayin’ — Proverbs 16:27). Anyway, as far as the hands thing, when you don’t have goals, it can be really easy to waste time — maybe because you’re bored, maybe because you’re antsy, maybe because, whether it’s consciously or subconsciously, you are looking for ways to use up your time. Problem is, when your time isn’t being utilized wisely, you can end up killing time — time that you will never get back.
It can’t be said enough that we all get the same 24 hours in a day and within each day, many productivity experts say that it’s important to have somewhere between 3-5 daily goals. It’s a good way to use your time wisely, to feel inspired and motivated and to make progress in various areas of your life.
How to set daily goals hack: Before turning in each night, pull out a journal or your phone and jot down three short-term goals that can be done the following day and two longer-term ones that you can start on. Make sure one long-term goal can be completed by the end of the week.
4. You Overestimate Your Multitasking Capabilities
GiphyMozart once said, “The shorter way to do many things is to only do one thing at a time." That said, I am always tickled whenever a female client (it is ALWAYS a female client — LOL) brags to me about how good she is at doing a million things at once. Listen, just because you can do that, it doesn’t mean that you are doing each of the things well. Science says so. And while some experts say that two is the limit and others say four, when it comes to checking things off of your to-do list, try to avoid doing several things at one time.
For one thing, it reduces the chance that you will make a mistake or overlook something. Also, it can prevent you from feeling anxious or frazzled. Yeah, even if you think that you are getting a lot done by multitasking, it can create unnecessary pressure and stress into your life and who needs that? It can also up your chances of doing things over — and that definitely can be a waste of your time.
How to multitask less hack: Meditate before starting your day. This means not looking at your phone, especially. Why? Because when you see all of the texts and notifications that are in it, that is typically what tempts you to attempt multiple things at once. Instead, ease into your morning quietly and calmly. Then prioritize what needs to be done and only do two things at a time.
Knowing that you were thorough is so much more satisfying than feeling like you did five things at once at an average level.
5. You Overwhelm Yourself
GiphyKnow what else can come from super multitasking — you find yourself feeling so overwhelmed that you become mentally and physically stagnant. In fact, many mental health experts say that it is very common to find yourself procrastinating whenever you are overwhelmed. Why? Well, when you sit and think about doing things that you may not want to do, that can overwhelm you.
At the same time, if you keep putting off what you need to do (good or “bad”), for days on end, until stuff piles up, the very thought of getting it all taken care of can tempt you to procrastinate — which only leads to a bigger pile of stuff to get overwhelmed with.
As a result, rather than what needs to be done, you intentionally seek out distractions that don’t really benefit you in the long run (more times than not).
How to stop overwhelming yourself hack: Write down what needs to be done in the order of their importance. Then go for a walk to clear your mind and commit to doing a couple of the things upon your return. Do them and then take another quick break before doing a couple more. The breaks will keep you from feeling stressed out from the weight of it all. Think of it like tearing down a mountain — a stone at a time.
6. You Don’t Have a Sleep Schedule
GiphyYou NEED sleep. Sleep IS NOT a luxury. And for goodness’ sake, stop saying that you’ll sleep when you’re dead? You’ll be dead when you’re dead. All of this said, I doubt that health experts will ever state that you won’t need between 6-8 hours of sleep every night. Sleep boosts immunity, so that you don’t “lose time” getting over being sick. Sleep gives you energy, so that you can actually get things done. Sleep helps with your cognitive function, so that your memory, concentration and productivity are intact, so that you can do things well.
A lot of people waste time because they aren’t performing well and it’s all because they aren’t getting the quality rest that they should. If you are one of these individuals, you should really consider implementing a sleep schedule. At the end of the day, all it means is you are prioritizing sleep — because you absolutely should.
How to start a sleep schedule hack: A part of what comes with having a sleep schedule is incorporating a bedtime routine. Check out “These Sleep Hacks Will Make Getting A Good Night’s Rest So Much Easier” for tips on how to make that easier for you.
7. Pleasure Isn’t Prioritized
GiphyRecently, a friend of mine wrote to me to say that their boyfriend (of quite some time) decided to, pretty much out of nowhere, break up with her a week before her birthday. When I asked her what her availability was so that I could treat her to lunch or dinner, she shared with me that most nights, she is working until 10:30pm. What in the world, chile?
If you don’t have a good and consistent work/life balance, you also low-key suck at time management because you absolutely were not put on this earth to do nothing but work all day and night long. SMDH. Pleasure is about enjoyment and some of your time is absolutely to be filled with that. If you don’t carve out leisure time to do things that make you happy — you 1000 percent suck at time management.
How to prioritize what pleases you (more often) hack: One hour a day during the week. No less than three hours, at least one day, on the weekends. Devote that time to nothing but what you enjoy doing. It keeps the stress levels down and also makes it easier to do the tasks that are less fun that need to be done.
8. You Don’t “Tithe” Your Time
GiphyAlthough tithe is a word that most of us don’t hear unless it’s in reference to church (Malachi 3), the word actually means “a tenth part or any indefinitely small part of anything” — and yes, when it comes to your time, it’s really important to tithe it out when it comes to things like your health regimen, self-care and decompression.
So, that said, be honest — do you tithe your time in the sense of making sure that within your 24-hour day, time is set aside for certain things? Now, to be fair, 10 percent of 24 hours is 2.4 hours, right? So, while some of these things might need to be combined — doing some yoga while binge-watching a show would qualify as “tithe timing.” So would taking a bubble bath and listening to your favorite podcast.
How to tithe your time hack: No matter what is going on, make sure that 2.4 hours, DAILY, is set aside for a bit of “you” time — you in the sense of doing what reminds you to prioritize yourself.
BONUS: You Remain in Cyclic Nonsense
I can’t believe that it’s basically been a year since I released my third book (what is time?). In it, there is a chapter entitled, “The Nice Guy Narcissist” and although the man’s name (and certain details that would make it clear to some folks who I am talking about) isn’t present, my circle knows who I am referring to.
Anyway, one of my friends loathes him so much that she doesn’t deal with him on any level — even has him blocked on social media. Meanwhile, a guy who has been basically wasting her time since she was a teenager (who she allows to put her through all sorts of mental and emotional roller coaster rides and she’s middle-aged at this point), they play the block/unblock game on a monthly basis.
That same energy she has for who hurt me? She needs to give her own self a triple portion for the clown in her life. In fact, I’ve said to her that I think she is actually projecting on “my guy” because she doesn’t have the courage to do the same with her own (ouch and amen).
And that is why the video above this point is so fitting. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that you’ve seen a hamster in a hamster wheel before. Hmph. All that running and not getting any damn wear. Cyclic patterns are just like that — and if you are in a cyclic situation, how can you NOT be wasting your time? What can going around and around and getting nowhere be a way of using your time wisely. You wanna master time management? Leave the people, places, things and ideas that are counterproductive AF TOTALLY alone. FOR GOOD.
A way to get off of your own hamster wheel hack: The thing that is your “wheel,” think about the ways that it takes you backwards and keeps you stuck. Then get REALLY HONEST about what needs to be done to move you forward. THEN DO THAT THING.
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Author Micheal Altshuler once said, “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot” — and as I wrap this up, when it comes to time management, truer words have not been spoken.
The beautiful thing about time management is you have the ability to manage your own.
Hopefully now you know how to do that a bit better.
So that you can get the absolute most out of your time.
Amen? YES.
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