No matter which client (of mine) you talk to, if you were to ask them about one thing that I’m going to inquire about, during pretty much every session, it’s how their sex life is going. There are a ton of reasons why; however, the main one is because, when two people sign up to share their lives, intimately, only with one another until death parts them, a part of what comes with that is well, a consistent sex life— and if sex ain’t happening, that ain’t good; this includes if it’s only happening 10-15 times a year because that, my friends, is considered to be a sexless marriage.
Now if you’re married (or planning on getting married) and you’re wondering how often you “should” be sleeping with your partner (check out “Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is 'Normal'?”), research says that (at least) once a week (or four times a month because…you know…life) falls into the category of being a “healthy marriage.” Why? Because at least this often shows that you are prioritizing intimacy, quality time, and even pleasure with (and for) your partner.
So, you know what that means, right? If it’s less than this, it could be a telling sign that you’re doing quite the opposite — and y’all, when sex is suffering in a long-term relationship, it’s only a matter of time before other areas do as well…because if there is no intimacy, quality time or pleasure transpiring, does that sound like a happy place for spouses to you?
And although (and oddly), a sexless marriage isn’t blatantly listed as being a formal cause for why couples divorce, the reality is that many folks will end their marriage under the grounds of “irreconcilable differences” when really, what they are saying, is the intimacy is lacking — and they’ve had enough. Case in point: I once read an article that said that out of 18,000 people who were surveyed, 13.5 percent of married people hadn’t had sex in five years or more. FIVE. DAMN. YEARS. Y’all, that’s not thriving or even living in a relationship — that is barely existing.
That said, because things like different sleep schedules, shifts in sex drives, and even boredom or laziness can cause spouses to put sex on the back burner, if you just read all of this and thought, “Yeah, this sounds a lot like my marriage right now” — before you do anything else, read how the following 10 married couples got through their own season(s) of a sexless marriage. It could help you to figure out what needs to be done in order to get your own relationship out of its current sex rut…for the sake of your intimacy needs and your marriage.
*I always use middle names in pieces like these, so that people can speak freely*
1. David and Chrystiana. Married 11 Years.
GiphyDavid: “People like to make this complicated when it’s pretty simple: what you prioritize, you’ll do. The reason why so many single people have a lot of sex isn’t because they don’t have lives and aren’t busy; it’s because they prioritize it. When you’re married, it’s easy to take sex for granted since your partner is in the bed with you every night. Before you know it, a week [of no sex] has turned into three. But just like food, sleep and your favorite streaming show matters to you, you can find a way to make sex happen. My wife and I had to choose to see it this way — then things started to change for the better.”
Chrystiana: “He’s right. When you’re single, especially when you live alone, you plan sex. When you’re married, so many other plans get in the way that you can forget to plan sex. It’s not that you don’t like it, want it, or miss it — it’s just that there is only so much time in the day. Some people frown on a sex schedule; it’s worked great for us. Every Sunday and Wednesday, we have sex, and because it’s on the schedule, the rest of the days give me time to get ready for it, so that it doesn’t just ‘happen’; it’s an event.”
Shellie here: Check out “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex” and “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day.”
2. Benson and Denyse. Married for 16 Years.
GiphyBenson: “We weren’t each other’s first but we did wait until marriage to have sex with each other. We should’ve talked about sex more before marriage because I assumed that we were on the same page — and we weren’t. [My wife] is very affectionate but she can kind of take or leave sex, so that meant that I had to up the foreplay. It’s not that I wasn’t someone who didn’t ‘warm up the engine’ in the past; it’s just that she needs way more than even 30 minutes, so I’ve come up with creative ways to make that happen. That has made her more interested in intercourse which has made sex more consistent over time. Talk about sex prior to jumping brooms. You and your spouse could end up riding some if you don’t!”
Denyse: “I’ve always been more affectionate than sexual, so I have always liked to cuddle, even naked, more than the act of intercourse. What I had to accept is, when you’re married, it’s not just about your preferences and what you want. I think that’s why a lot of folks don’t go the distance: they are selfish and only care about their own needs. You asked about sex, so I’ll stay focused. If you’re like me and you like sex but you love intimacy outside of sex, tap in with your spouse to see what their needs are. My husband is fine having sex a few times a month and so I make sure that he gets it. Sometimes people are in a sexless marriage because they don’t see what their partner wants and their partner doesn’t want to be the one to bring it up all of the time. That’s fair [for them to feel that way]. You need to initiate sexual conversations.”
Shellie here: Check out “These Tips Will Keep Foreplay From Becoming Boring AF (No Pun Intended)” and “Want Your Man To Be Better In Bed? Give Him A Book.”
3. Nassir and Payten. Married for Seven Years.
GiphyNassir: “My wife will probably tell you that it was shaky at first because sex was something that she would use to get me to do things — or not do them. After a while, I got tired of that and I resorted to masturbation because it was less drama to deal with. You don’t want to be the solution, though, because you can easily look up and it’s been weeks without sex. Whatever is wrong, talk about it. Don’t use sex to hint around about other issues.”
Payten: “I hate to admit it but I’m not alone — my girlfriends tell me so. Back when I was single, I used to use sex as a weapon. Not that I don’t like sex — I like it A LOT. I’m saying that when a man would piss me off, I would withhold sex and when you’re married, it can’t work that way. You can’t expect a man to promise you faithfulness and you turn around and not give him any whenever he doesn’t clean the kitchen. It’s childish but it also creates a wedge. During the first 16 months or so of our marriage, I was being a ‘sex brat’ and it was really causing my husband to resent me. Then we went on a marriage retreat where I learned that weaponizing is what I was doing. Now I’ve learned how to communicate my frustration instead of withholding sex. It corrects the issue quicker and it keeps walls from going up in our relationship.”
Shellie here: Check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why.”
4. Vernon and Evelyn. Married for 20 Years.
GiphyVernon: “I think that every couple goes through a sexless period; the red flag is why that’s happening. Is it due to illness or scheduling or is it because there’s a lack of connection in the marriage. Since we’ve been married, we’ve probably gone without sex at least a dozen times but it’s three or four that I can think of that caused us to go to counseling. That’s my advice: figure out why the two of you aren’t having sex and then seek a professional if you need help getting back on track.”
Evelyn: “People talk about menopause when they need to be talking about perimenopause. The last two years before my period stopped, completely, my hormones were all over the place. The bloating made me not feel very attractive, my vagina wasn’t responding like it used to and for a minute there, I thought my orgasms had completely disappeared. He’s right, see a therapist for the emotional stuff but all women should see their doctor to get their hormone levels checked once they enter their mid-40s.”
Shellie here: Check out "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through" and “Sex And Menopause. What You Should Know."
5. Christopher and Jenavieve. Married for Nine Years.
GiphyChristopher: “Sex is what keeps you from seeing your spouse as a roommate — and that’s easy to do if you’re not careful. I’ll let [wife’s first name] tell you how long we went without it one time, but it was a long while. We weren’t mad at each other — we just started to act more like best friends and less like lovers. I don’t talk about this a lot but the few people who do know ask if either of us cheated. I mostly watched porn which creates its own issues. Bottom line, your spouse shouldn’t become ‘just a friend.’ Prioritize sex so that never happens. Your marriage is in some serious trouble if you do.”
Jenavieve: “For about three years of our marriage, we basically went without sex. The worst part about it to me is when I brought it up to some of my girlfriends, they acted like it was no big deal due to not having sex with their husbands either and that just made it easier to keep going. Since we weren’t really fighting and there was still some affection, we let it slide longer than we should have. Eventually, he got into pornography and I had an emotional affair — both are no better than [physically] cheating, in my book and both happened because we weren’t having sex. If you’re married, have sex to protect your marriage.”
Shellie here: Check out “5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It."
6. Paul and Apryl. Married for 11 Years.
GiphyPaul: “I see sexless marriages differently. Even if you’re having sex regularly, if your needs shift or one or both of you aren’t really enjoying it, having sex on a technicality shouldn’t count. There have been a couple of times when we’ve gone sexless because of that. The first time, we didn’t talk about it and that made us both resentful. The second time, my wife brought it up and we talked through it. Never think that what worked on your wedding night or fifth anniversary will work in the moment. People change and sexual needs can too.”
Apryl: “I agree. Does sex count, fully, if body parts come together but no one is really satisfied? After about our seventh year, we started taking sexcations, buying books and listening to podcasts about sex, and, thanks to you, creating bucket lists every year. It can be easy to have a ‘If it worked before, it should work now’ approach to sex when you’re married and that’s what can drive a wedge in between you. Never assume that your partner is satisfied. Ask.”
Shellie here: Check out “8 ‘Kinds Of Sex’ All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation” and “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!”
7. Davis and Ireland. Married for Four Years.
GiphyDavis: “I don’t know how many men read your articles but some of us have wives whose sex drives we totally underestimated. Sh-t, for the first year or so, I felt damn near emasculated because I thought that my drive was high but [my wife] has me all the way beat! For us, while we’ve never really had what you would say is a ‘sexless marriage’, we did have trouble in our sex life because I wasn’t always in the mood when she was and that was bothering her. I know you say that a sexless marriage is sex that’s only 10 times a year, but I think there’s also the kind where your partner needs more than you are giving. Couples need to find compromise with that. It can cause problems later on too.”
Ireland: “If you are like me and you want sex more than your man does, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with either one of you. Society makes us think that all men think about is sex all of the time and that’s just not true. What I had to learn is he’s the one who needs more foreplay and ‘warming up’; his system calls for it. And, when he’s not in the mood, that doesn’t mean that he’s not attracted to me or doesn’t enjoy sex with me when we do have it. Do talk about those things before marriage, though. It totally threw me for a loop at first because we didn’t.”
Shellie here: Check out “If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.,” “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?” and “Fast Or Slow Sex: Which Does Science Say Is Better? (Girrrl...).”
8. Frederick and Dannika. Married for Six Years.
GiphyFrederick: “Go to premarital counseling. If your counselor doesn’t spend a good portion of time talking about sex, find another one. I’ll let my wife take it from here.”
Dannika: “We’ve never told anyone that the first year of our marriage, we barely had sex after our wedding night. Even though we weren’t virgins when we got married, we didn’t have sex with each other and because we were so focused on not doing it, we didn’t talk about sex much because we thought that it would tempt us into doing it. That was a huge mistake because we both had totally different expectations. I’m more of the romance/rom-com kind of sex person and he is, I’ll just say more adventurous. It took us about three years to find a way to meet in the middle.”
Shellie here: Check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner,” “What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex” and “10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About 'Married Sex.'”
9. Goran and Kaia. Married for 15 Years.
GiphyGoran: “I travel a lot for work — probably around 35 percent of the time. Then when I’m back home, it’s catch-up time with kids and bills and stuff to do around the house. By the time it’s time for bed, all we want to do is go to sleep. The thing that you have to be careful of is, even if you are ‘too busy for sex,’ if you go without it too long and then the urge hits you, that’s when you can put yourself in some vulnerable positions. About five years into our marriage, we set a precedent that we would never go longer than 10 days without sex, no matter what. It’s one of the best decisions that we ever made.”
Kaia: “My husband traveled a lot before we got married, so I knew what I was getting myself into. What I wasn’t prepared for was getting so much into my own groove while he was gone that he damn near was ‘wrecking my flow’ of things whenever he got back. Sometimes, he would want to have sex immediately and I would need a day to get used to him being back in the [house] space. My primary love language is words of affirmation, so sexting was a type of foreplay that helped to get me ready for his arrival. It’s one of my favorite types of foreplay to this day.”
Shellie here. Check out “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” and “Let's Talk About Sext: 30 Sexts You Can Send To Bae Right Now.”
10. Radford and Orla. Married for 26 Years.
GiphyRadford: “I’ve got enough years in my marriage to tell you that if you have sex for the same reasons as a married person that you did as a single person, not only will you go through sexless moments often, you will probably end up divorced. Sex, in marriage, isn’t just about recreation. Sex is a sacred experience that connects you with your spouse in a way like nothing else. I can say this because years ago, we would have months when we would go without sex. It took maturing about it on a mental, emotional and spiritual level to learn that it’s not just about ‘getting off’; sex is about tapping into your spouse and bonding with them in a potent way that way. Look at sex like that and you will do your damnedest not to end up sexless. Your marriage won’t survive it.”
Orla: “If you’ve heard somewhere that sex gets better with time in a marriage, that’s true. If you had sex before getting married, the first few years of your marriage, you can go in with the same surface mindset about it — have sex, get an orgasm, end of story. Go through some things, see that your husband isn’t going anywhere, and the intimacy of sex goes way deeper and is more satisfying. And when you’re grateful for that kind of love, you want to express it with your husband as much as possible.”
Shellie here: Check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important.”
___
Author Sheila Wray Gregoire once said, “Sex is not just about me; it’s about me knowing you and building us.” Goodness y’all, if all married couples took this quote literally and seriously, imagine how much less sexless marriages would be an issue.
Are sexless marriages common? Hmph, common enough. Can they be prevented? 8.5 times outta 10, absolutely. These 20 married people provide some wonderful insights into how. I hope you will take their great wisdom to heart — in and out of your bedroom.
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RELATED
October 2025 Astrology: An Overview
Mercury enters Scorpio on October 6, and Mercury in Scorpio only knows depth. The conversations being had this month are inspiring, transformative, and a little more blunt than usual. This energy is good for the power of persuasion and for asking for what you want, especially within business and financial matters. On the same day, we have a Supermoon in Aries, and this is a powerful Full Moon for reflection, owning your power, and letting go of the insecurities that don’t resonate with what you want for yourself and your future.
Venus, the planet of love, moves into Libra on October 13 after being in Virgo for the past month, and after some time of healing and clarity in love, Libra is here to bring in the romance. Venus loves being in Libra, and this energy creates new beginnings within relationships and provides a little extra magic in this area of life. With Pluto going direct in Aquarius on the same day after being retrograde since May, life and love move forward mid-October, helping provide more stable and nurturing foundations in your personal life and community as well.
The New Moon of the month occurs in Libra on October 21, making it a beautiful time for manifesting romance, balance, and harmony in your world.
This New Moon aligns with the Sun in Libra, and it’s all about letting a new beginning transform your world and the love in your life for the better. Scorpio Season officially begins on October 22, and Neptune retrograde enters Pisces on the same day, bringing in some water sign energy into the mix. As we close out the month, it’s time to renew, honor the transformations occurring, and know that your dreams aren’t as far out of reach as they may seem at times.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what October 2025 has in store for you.
What October 2025 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
ARIES
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is all about perspective, Aries. This is the month to trust the divine timing of your life, and not let the what-ifs overwhelm you. With the Sun in Libra, your sister sign, for most of the month, October is about building connections, finding your balance in love, and knowing that you are worthy of what your heart is seeking right now. We have a Supermoon in your sign on October 6, and emotions are a little heavier this month, but also healing. Give yourself grace, and let go of what isn’t working for you.
Venus is in your house of love from October 13 until November 6, and there is a lot to look forward to when it comes to romance and the relationship dynamics in your life as you move through the month. It’s about being confident in your power of attraction and letting love come to you right now. Before October comes to an end, we have a New Moon in your 7th house of love as well, and with all this energy in your relationship zone, life changes for you in love for the better in October.
TAURUS
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a spiritual month for you, Taurus. You are thinking a lot about your next steps ahead, and are getting organized, focused, and aligned. The Supermoon on October 6 is a time of reflection for you, and you are entering the month ready to let go of the past, heal, and create space for something new in your life. This month is all about trusting your intuition and letting your wisdom guide you in your personal growth and evolution.
You are more than where you have been, and this month is a reminder of that.
With Mars in Scorpio and in your 7th house of love all month, you are motivated by the partnerships in your life right now. Your love life and relationships are where the action is for you this month, and you are honoring your passion and direction here. Venus, your planetary ruler, moves into your house of health mid-month and into November, and you are leaving October seeking healthier habits, daily routines, and relationships. Overall, this month is helping you align with your vision.
GEMINI
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is a fresh start for you, Gemini. Your heart is free, love is beaming, and you are feeling larger than life. This month is about taking a leap of faith in yourself, honoring your confidence in life, and being your biggest advocate. With the Sun in your 5th house of self-expression, romance, and happiness, and with Venus entering this same area of your chart mid-October, there is a lot to look forward to right now, and things are looking up for you.
On October 21, we have a New Moon in a fellow air sign, and this is a good time to set your intentions for creative projects, hobbies, romance, and your overall happiness in life. There are a lot of little moments of magic unfolding for you this month, and this New Moon is one of them. Before October comes to an end, Mercury, your ruling planet, enters Sagittarius, and this brings open communication into your relationships, and you are having lively conversations and insights.
CANCER
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a transformative month for you, Cancer. You are moving through closure, healing, and depth as you navigate the opportunities that are coming into your life, with the stability you are seeking. With the Sun in your 4th house of home and family in October, this is the month to spend more time in your safe spaces, connect with your loved ones, and get grounded. You are also more focused on your financial world right now, and this is a good time for building new foundations for yourself and looking at the bigger picture when it comes to your career and life goals.
Mars is in your house of romance and happiness for the entire month, and this is one of the highlights of your life right now. You are passionate about your joy and all the things that light you up inside, and you are protecting your peace and giving more of your energy to your pleasure. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Libra, highlighting your home life, and some Cancers may be moving at the end of the month or getting the opportunity to turn a page here. Overall, this is your month to reflect, go within, and make sense of what has been restricting you from feeling stable.
LEO
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about taking things one day at a time and being patient with what is presenting itself to you, Leo. This month, you are getting your ducks in a row and gaining the clarity needed to create a new beginning in your life. The month begins with a Supermoon in a fellow fire sign on October 6, aligning in harmony with you and fueling your need for adventure. You are going over the wisdom you have gained as of late and how it has shifted the way you navigate your life and see the world around you.
On October 13, Pluto goes direct in your 7th house of love, after being retrograde here since May. This is bringing in more balance, empowerment, and passion into your love life, and this is a positive change of energy for you after a time of some power struggles within your relationships. Before the month comes to an end, we have a New Moon in Libra, and this New Moon is the best time to set intentions for clarity, communication, and connection. October is about taking your time with things and knowing that everything is working out in your favor at the end of the day.
VIRGO
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis October is about finding your balance, Virgo. There is a lot of energy when it comes to your finances this month, but you may be overworking or overcommitting yourself in the process. Honor the opportunities and responsibilities in your life, but make sure you are equally taking care of your health and prioritizing your time and energy so that you don’t burn out. Venus, the planet of love, is in your sign until October 13; use this energy to your benefit and let things come to you.
You are a magnet for abundance, romance, and support if you allow yourself to receive it.
On October 13, Venus moves into your 2nd house of income, and your relationships are a supportive place for you to lean on right now. Your love life and partnerships are where your financial world is evolving this month, and this is a good time to ask for what you want; you never know what may happen. At the end of the month, Neptune goes retrograde in your sister sign, Pisces, and you are taking a step back and reassessing what love means for you right now. Overall, October is about remembering that you don’t have to do it all alone, Virgo.
LIBRA
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLibra Season is here, and it’s your time to shine and thrive! This Libra Season changes everything for you, and October is when you really begin to feel this shift in your life. The Sun is in your sign until October 22, and it’s time to put yourself first. With a Supermoon in Aries as we begin the month as well, you are letting go of any unhealthy attachments or relationship dynamics that take you away from yourself, and are moving into deeper clarity.
On October 13, Venus, your planetary ruler, enters your sign, where it loves to be the most. With Venus in your sign for the rest of the month, love takes on a new tone, and you are feeling more love for yourself and where life is taking you right now. To end the month, we have a New Moon in Libra, and it’s time to set your intentions for where you want life to grow for you over the next year. This is a month of embarking on a new journey of self, and allowing what is inspiring you right now to build your confidence in yourself and your relationships.
SCORPIO
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about honoring your freedom and your power to decide, Scorpio. A lot is going on for you this month, and you have the passion and energy to see things through. Mercury, the planet of communication, moves into your sign at the beginning of the month on October 6, and this is going to help you get your ideas across, making it a good month for business matters, networking, and getting inspired. With Mars also in your sign for the entire month, life moves forward for you in transformative ways in October, and you are a force to be reckoned with.
On October 13, Venus moves into your house of closure, healing, and endings, and you are ready to close one chapter of love and create space for a new one. You are in a contemplative space when it comes to matters of the heart, and you are ready to let go of any heaviness you have been feeling here. Scorpio Season officially begins on October 22, and you are ready to begin again. This Scorpio Season is about owning your confidence in life while letting go of insecurities or self-doubts that have been getting in the way of that.
SAGITTARIUS
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleEverything unfolds for you in a beautiful way this month, Sagittarius. You are flowing well with the energy of October, and life opens up to you. With the Sun in your 11th house of aspirations, dreams, manifestations, and community, you are feeling in balance with your desires and your reality, and are bridging the gap here. This is a month of friendship, believing in your dreams, and creating space for love. With Juno also entering your sign at the beginning of the month until the end of the year, you are attracting soulmates into your life.
On October 6, we have a Supermoon in a fellow fire sign, allowing you some closure in love and a chance at healing. Your heart is feeling renewed, and you are owning your power in creating happiness in your life. Before the month ends, Mercury moves into Sagittarius, where it will be until mid-November, and inspiration is heightened. Pay attention to the guidance you are receiving this month, the conversations you are having, and the light bulb moments that are going off for you right now.
CAPRICORN
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about going within and connecting with the guidance of your soul, Capricorn. You are taking more time for yourself this month, and rightly so, as you need time to fully process what has happened so far this year. Pluto goes direct in your 2nd house of income, and this moves things forward when it comes to your earning potential, abundance, and values.
The key this month is in valuing yourself, your perspective, and what you are building in your life right now.
On October 21, we have a New Moon happening in your career zone, and this is a good time to manifest your goals within your professional world. Put yourself out there, show up, and know that you are worthy of success and that your dreams aren’t too big for you. As we close out the month, Mercury moves into your house of closure, even further facilitating your desire for contemplation and alone time this month. Overall, October is about taking care of your mental health, owning your successes, and finding your peace.
AQUARIUS
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a new beginning for you in love and in life, Aquarius. Your heart is feeling inspired, and there is a lot to look forward to right now. The Supermoon at the beginning of the month will be occurring in your 3rd house of communication, giving you the answers you have been looking for and helping you close the door on a chapter in your life that left you feeling misunderstood or misdirected. You are ready for a change of pace this month, and you are receiving that as we begin October.
Mid-October, Pluto goes direct in your sign after being retrograde since May, and this is a huge breath of fresh air for you and your path ahead. You may have been a little harder on yourself while Pluto was retrograde this year, and now you feel ready to forgive, move on, and own your power. Before the month comes to an end, we have a New Moon in Libra, and you are embarking on a new adventure. The end of the month is a good time for traveling, exploring, and gaining a new perspective.
PISCES
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is giving you the guidance, perspective, and passion to see yourself with clear, loving eyes, Pisces. There is a sense of feeling more overwhelmed with life lately, and October is allowing you to gain the insight needed to move on from this energy, or at least see more of the gifts of what has occurred. On October 6, we have a Supermoon in an area of your chart having to do with self-worth, values, and income, and it’s time to see the gifts of what you have been investing in and valuing in your life, including yourself.
Let go of the need to play it small or count yourself out of important conversations, and know that you deserve a seat at the table.
With Pluto going direct in your 12th house of healing as we end the month, you are finally getting the answers you have been looking for emotionally, and it’s changing your perspective on your commitments in life and making you feel empowered. Before the month ends, Neptune goes retrograde in Pisces, and you are going to be moving through a personal revolution as we close out the year. You are inspired by change right now, and this month is what kicks starts this metamorphosis within you.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
All that’s really going on is one or both people are seeing flags that they are ignoring, and/or both people are not on the same page yet don’t want to fully face it, and/or one or both people don’t exactly know what they relationally want — whether that be in general or from each other. I’m telling you, at the end of the day, when you take emotions out and leave facts and reality in, usually things about relationships aren’t all that confusing…you just have to accept the real deal of the matter for what it truly is. Simple math. Over and out.
And that’s why we are going to explore the topic of talking vs. dating today, because, although it might seem like “talking” is a term that only high school and college-aged people — excuse me — talk about when it comes to relationships, that absolutely is not the case.
Actually, a few weeks ago, I had a 40-year-old client ask me what the real differences between talking and dating are — and although I will admit that the answer to that question may have a bit of nuance to it (based on each person’s perspective), I’m going to do my damndest to remove as much murkiness (i.e., confusion) from her inquiry as possible — for her sake and perhaps some of y’all’s too.
Ready?
The Truth About “Talking” And What It Really Means
Talking: Curious About Getting to Know Someone
GiphyY’all doing videos while in bed is hilarious to me. LOL. And what she said? (See the creator's full video here.) That is why I stated in the intro that some of this is going to be based on personal opinion, for sure, because if you are wanting to fast track into dating or engagement or marriage — you absolutely wouldn’t be able to wrap your head around “talking” to someone for six months or longer.
Here’s the thing about that, though — what if things are long-distance? What if your schedules are so full that you only get to chat 1-2 times a week for a few minutes at a time or you find yourselves doing more texting than anything else? What if you are in the season of wanting to take things slow or you currently prefer to “talk to” more than one individual? EXACTLY.
Yeah, when you are in the talking stage/phase, the main thing to keep in mind is, this means that you have enough curiosity and interest that you want to get to know more about someone else. HOWEVER, if you’re not looking for something super serious, you probably won’t ask the same kinds of questions that you would if you desire to be married within the next two years or so.
And that is exactly why the talking stage may be longer for some than others. Some people may only want to keep things light and surface for a while and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that — so long as you both agree to cruise in that type of lane.
That said, though, in order to be clear that “talking” is pretty much all that the two of you are doing, here are some things about it to keep in mind about that stage of getting involved with another person.
5 Things to Look for During the Talking Stage
GiphyOkay, so you meet an attractive guy and there seems to be some chemistry there. If you were to use the phrase, “We’re just talking” to someone, what exactly does — or rather “should” — that mean?
1. Talking needs a connection. Although you might initially think “duh” when it comes to this, you’d be amazed by how many people think that they are in a conversation when really, it’s more like a monologue with an audience. And that is all because they are looking for attention more than a genuine connection. That said, if you are officially talking to someone, this means that both of you are truly interested in what the other has to say — and so you make time to connect (even if it’s just by phone, text or social media) in order to learn more.
2. Talking needs reciprocity. Some people might even wonder why there needs to be a talking stage at all — and one reason is for this next point: the talking season is about sharing and listening; it’s about seeing if you are “connected enough” to respect someone enough to care about their initial thoughts, interests, wants and needs as they do the same thing for you. And you know what? Honestly, a lot of people wouldn’t be so jaded in their relationships if they slowed TF down and did some real-deal talking first…because if the two of you can’t find mutual ground and respect in basic-level communication, how do you think you can be in a healthy long-term dynamic up the road?
3. Talking needs some sort of consistency. Just because talking isn’t as serious as dating, that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t have some consistency to it. And no, this doesn’t mean that you need to be called every morning or texted 10 times a day. There just needs to be some sort of effort that shows real interest. Meaning, if you are actually talking to someone, hearing from them shouldn’t shock you; this would only be the case if they reach out to you randomly—and if that is what’s going on, I wouldn’t even say that the two of you are “talking”…yet.
4. Talking needs some non-forced or performative effort. Does “the representative” show up when you’re just talking to someone? More times than not…absolutely (on your end not just his, by the way). However, a part of the reason why I am team coffee date is because, if you are truly going on dates in order to get to know someone better, when you’re first getting to know them, why should that take up hours and hours of your time? Instead of things being over-the-top and grand, talking should come with ease and as little stress and high expectations as possible.
Yeah, something that I like about the talking stage is since nothing is official, even a lil’ bit, both people can show more of their true colors when it comes to their communication style, how they like to interact and how often they prefer to do it. Since there are no real expectations yet, everyone can feel free to just…be themselves.
5. Talking needs honesty (especially about what both people are looking for). Speaking of being “free to be” — I was recently chatting it up with a male friend of mine about a woman who he was just “talking” to. Although he was hella attracted to her, he shared with me that he didn’t think that things were going to work out; it’s because he spends a lot of time on the road and she doesn’t seem to respect his schedule. “She calls and texts at hours when I’m not available and then gets upset if I don’t get back immediately. Girl, I am working.”
His situation is a blaring reminder to be honest with your own damn self about what you want and even require during the talking stage. That way, you don’t end up in what really could’ve been avoided once you actually are dating each other. Yep — if while talking, you already see serious “potholes” along the way…that’s what talking is for. TALK ABOUT IT and if “it” can’t be worked out, no harm, no foul. You were just talking. Scale back to being friends or part ways. All good.
What Defines Actual Dating (And Why It Matters)
Dating: Semi-Committed...to Getting to Know Someone…BETTER
GiphyNow I’m going to be super candid on this point — some people think that even dating is a serious, long-term relationship or like it’s damn near marriage. Soon enough, I’ll be writing about something that I have briefly touched on before: a boyfriend IS NOT a husband and a girlfriend IS NOT a wife. And you know what? Dating really isn’t boyfriend/girlfriend status either; it’s simply a step up from merely…talking.
And that’s why I included the video right above this section and the one at the very end because, if you are in a state of “what are we?” or you’re out here thinking that someone is dragging their feet, because you think that you should be further along than where the two of you are — that either sounds like you believe that dating is a full-blown relationship or that you’ve been moving like a girlfriend or even a fiancée without getting any real clarity or confirmation that you should.
It really can’t be said enough, y’all: Please always keep in mind that talking is not dating and dating is not an official exclusive dynamic. Like exclusivity gets you to engagement and then marriage — dating is what gets you to the exclusive portion of the program. Yeah, we really need to stop “bleeding everything” in together; that’s what causes so much drama and disappointment when it comes to relationships, more times than not.
5 Things to Pay Attention to While in Your Dating Season
GiphyAight, so do me a favor and listen to the last video before reading the first of this (insert approximately one minute here). I’m sure you caught that the gentleman had no problem saying that he dated for a year before transitioning into something else. I’m sure you also noticed that the host struggled with hearing that. I think a big part of the reason why is because she felt that dating IS an exclusive relationship; it can’t be said enough that it isn’t.
In fact, did you know that there is a popular study that says it takes about 200 hours to consider someone to be a good friend (hmph, I even think that is too low to be a GOOD friend)? And if your partner is going to be, at the very least, one of your closet friends? I mean, there are 168 hours in a week, right? If you have a full life, you don’t have 25 hours a week to sit on the phone…right? Yes, to become friends, it takes time. To become more than friends — if you’re taking it seriously — even more time.
An average date lasts 2-3 hours. Put all of this together and it means that you would need 200 hours to become good friends and then 100 dates to take it to another level. Hmph. Sounds like about a year to me (*Elmo shrug*). At least if friendship as a foundation of your relationship is something that you desire.
And during that season of dating, here’s what you should be looking for:
1. Dating requires integrity. Just recently, I was talking to a client about how much his integrity sucks (and I am being so literal about that). It was in the context of him saying things in the moment and not following through. He admitted that he does it to keep the peace at the time and yet, because there aren’t enough consequences for when he doesn’t keep his word, he remains in that pattern of not really meaning what he says — even if he intends to. Hmph. I’m sure that most of y’all have heard the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
To that, one of my favorite quotes is “Hell is truth seen too late.” (Thomas Hobbes) At the end of the day, integrity is about living by a certain code of morals and ethics — and being dependable and reliable should definitely apply to someone who is dating another person. Peep if he calls when he says that he will. If he shows up on time to planned events. If his words and actions line up. Evaluating integrity doesn’t happen overnight. Take your freakin’ time.
2. Dating requires proactiveness. Any time that I am asked about a favorite trait in a guy, I’m absolutely going to say, “That he’s proactive.” To me, reactive is so…lazy. It means that you are in a pattern of wanting to “put out fires” instead of preventing them — and that means that you don’t really prioritize things well. To be proactive is to be in a state of anticipation — and that means that you are intentional about keeping what’s important to you in mind. Dating reveals proactiveness vs. reactiveness like nobody’s business. Trust me when I tell you that.
3. Dating requires a certain level of intimacy. By definition, intimacy is about having a close and familiar relationship with someone else. Another definition: having detailed knowledge and a deep understanding of something or someone — and how you can expect this from “talking” only, the world will never know. And honestly, expecting this in the beginning stages of dating is a bit of a reach too. Learning more about another person means that you need to spend time with them — hell, not just time but quality time. That is when you ask insightful questions and listen to what their wants, needs and desires are (as they do the same for you).
And if you decide to take things up a notch on the physical level — hey, that’s totally up to you; however, as you can see, intimacy doesn’t automatically require that. Intimacy is simply about growing closer to and more familiar with another person — and yes, dating is designed to do that. With each date, more intimacy. If you are dating with intention (to transition into something more, in time), that is.
4. Dating requires being on the same page (basically at the same time). When folks jump from talking to a relationship — that is how they can end up feeling completely disillusioned because remember that talking is about seeing if there is a possible connection beyond attraction while dating is about scratching well beneath the surface. For instance, if you have sex while talking, you might THINK that you have a mental and emotional bond while the guy you’re seeing is simply seeing copulation as moments of physical pleasure. Yeah, that’s another cool thing about dating: with each date, you get to see if you are on the same page or not.
And since you are only dating, if after date five or date seven, you realize that you both want totally different things — no harm, no foul. You weren’t “official” and although you might be a bit disappointed, there is certainly nothing to feel distraught about or devastated over. He wasn’t your man; he was simply someone who you were…dating and for that reason, he didn’t get ALL of you. You “rationed” as necessary…as earned.
5. Dating requires progress. Do I think that dating takes time and, more importantly, more time than talking does? Clearly, I do. And yet, even with all that I’ve just said, I will also say this: When dating gets to the point where you feel like you’re in some sort of purgatory — something is very off. Whether you ultimately want marriage to come from dating or you simply want a more serious and significant dynamic with another person, one thing that dating can’t do is be stagnate — well, unless you’re a casual dater and there is such a thing.
And so yes, whether it takes you and someone three months to realize you both want more or it requires 365 days (give or take several weeks), please make sure that the dating that you’re doing is progressing — at the very least when it comes to you figuring out more of who you are and what you want or need from a relationship. Because honestly, that’s one of the main things that dating should do for everyone.
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TALK to establish an initial connection. DATE to build intimacy. Over time.
Make sense? I certainly hope so.
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