With the way our culture is going, Grandma (it’s probably more like great-grandma at this point) would be proud. According to semi-recent findings, not only are folks out here having fewer sex partners, but abstinence seems to be on the rise as well — and whether you choose to believe it or not, it’s actually more young men who are choosing to chill out on the bedroom activities more than young women are (interesting).
The reason why I’m leading with this when it comes to this particular topic is that if you’re someone who has been sexually active for a while, you’re contemplating going into a season of abstinence or celibacy, and a part of your hesitation is you think that you’ll be one of the very few who’s done it, that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s becoming more common than ever for individuals to at least go 6-12 months without sex…for a variety of reasons.
Okay, but what if you’re thinking about doing it, and you’re in a relationship with someone who you’re currently sexually active with? Not only that, but your partner is absolutely not on the same page with you when it comes to making this type of move. If that’s your challenge of the day and you’re not sure what you should do about it all, I’ve actually got a few tips, ones that, hopefully, will at least give you some of the clarity that you may be seeking in this particular season of (temporary) transition in your life.
What Is Your Reason?
GiphyPopular life coach Michael Hyatt once said, “When you know your why, you’ll know your way,” and when you’ve made the decision to go without sex, no matter how long that season may be, no greater words could be spoken. So, if abstinence is what you’re considering, definitely ask yourself what is your reason for that. Is it Scriptural or religious? Is it because you feel like you are confusing good sex with a solid relational dynamic?
Is it because you think that you and your partner are in an endless pattern of “making up to break-up” (check out “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good”)? Perhaps you’re on some form of birth control, and you want to give your body a break from the hormones. Maybe you recently had a pregnancy scare that has caused you to do a bit of life reevaluating, and you don’t want to risk another chance of having a positive sign on a test until you get clear on how you want the next couple of years of your life to look.
I know when I decided to enter into my LOOONG season of not-getting-any, it was because I decided to see if I was in a pattern of counterproductivity — not just when it came to sex but with the people I chose to have sex with.
For me, I entered into my abstinence phase without being in a relationship (I did it after breaking up with the last boyfriend that I will ever have in this lifetime — check out “Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again”), so my shift was virtually drama-free (well, minus all of the detoxing that I went through; that first six months or so without sex is a MUTHA). However, I have had times when I’ve wanted to go several months without sex, after having sex with someone, and it did not make for a smooth sailing between the two of us.
Anyway, when it comes to figuring out what you should do about your own situation, being very clear about your reasons can make it so much easier to do the next thing: come up with a plan.
What Is Your Plan?
GiphyFor the sake of time and space, I can’t address every dilemma for this, so let’s go with one of ‘em. Say that the (main) reason why you want to be abstinent is because you know you have a pattern of mistaking good sex for actual intimacy (check out “What If The Sex Is Great? But The Relationship Sucks.”). The guy you’ve been seeing, the relationship is under six months old, yet you could see a real future with him. Thing is, you’ve been having sex with each other for about three months now, and you just recently decided to go exclusive.
You know, with everything in you, that a big part of the reason why he was cool with not seeing anyone else is because sex is consistent (and good) between the two of you, so you’re not (completely) sure how he’s going to handle your new decision.
Well, what’s your plan? What I mean by that is, well, a few things:
- How long do you plan on being abstinent?
- What kind of abstinent do you want to be (no oral, no foreplay, no making out, etc.)?
- When you remove something, it’s wise to replace it with something else; how do you want to fill that void in the meantime?
- Where do you see the relationship going as a result of making this kind of shift?
- While you’re thinking about what’s best for you, what do you think is best for your relationship as well?
You know the saying goes “Fail to plan, plan to fail,” and when it comes to being abstinent when you’re in a relationship, I’ve dealt with this myself (and via clients) enough to know that when men are approached with this, what they tend to be the most interested in is 1) abstinent for what; 2) abstinent for how long, and 3) why abstinence would ultimately be beneficial for the relationship overall.
Listen, in a lot of relationships, sex is a significant part of it. That’s why you don’t want to go into something this paramount with a “winging it” mindset. The clearer you are about how this can be helpful for you both, at least on some level, the more open “he” will be willing to hear you out and take it into some serious consideration.
How Serious Is the Relationship?
GiphyLight at the end of the tunnel. I’ll tell you what, when you’re in a season of abstinence, and you know that there is some end in sight (because very few folks want to be abstinent forever), it can make going without so much easier to bear. That said when it comes to abstinence while in a relationship, there’s a big difference between telling someone who you’re in a new relationship with that you want to “press pause” for an indefinite period of time vs. telling someone who you recently got engaged to that you want to wait until your wedding day. The first one? Who knows where things are headed? The second? There is a date that is attached to the decision; indeed, there is “relief” on the horizon.
So yeah, that’s something else that needs to be considered because I’ll be real with you — based on how serious the relationship is, your decision to be abstinent may be a “me” decision or a “we” decision. Meaning, a guy who you’re just starting to see and dig, if there are no real lasting guarantees on the table, you really need to focus most on what’s best for you and kind of let the chips fall where they may. On the other hand, for someone who you are in it to win it with long-term (mutually so, not just in your own estimation), you would be silly to think that abstinence wouldn’t have the potential to significantly impact your relationship’s future. Why?
Because if sex was a part of your “house’s” foundation, if you pull some of the foundations out, it can cause the house to “shake” a bit — especially if some trying times present themselves during that same season. So yep, you factoring in the “weight” of the relationship is also what needs to be taken into some serious account. (Tip: You probably need to get him to weigh in on this as well. It’s not uncommon for one person to think a relationship is one type while someone else estimates it to be something totally different.)
Please Remember This at All Times: You Have Free Will. So Does He.
GiphySomething that I will forever say until the cows (and all of the other animals on Noah’s Ark) come home is people really need to stop dating like they are married — if you want to be married, get married. At the end of the day, dating is all about seeing if you’re a good fit for someone and if they are a good fit for you. Unlike marriage, no vows were taken before the Lord, your family, and friends. There is no paperwork involved. There is not the all-in intention of being with someone, no matter what, until death parts you. So, you know what that means? If one or both people come to a fork in the road where there isn’t room for compromise, no one is the bad guy for deciding to end things — yes, even when it comes to something like one individual wanting to remain sexually active while the other doesn’t.
I mean, how would you feel if the guy you were seeing decided that he didn’t want to spend money on dates or special occasions anymore because he needed to focus on getting out of debt? I’m not talking about for a couple of weeks either — I mean, several months or even a couple of years. If you can hang, he needs to keep you because you’re a real one. You know what, though? If you can’t, that doesn’t make you a gold digger or siren. If dates and gifts are what you feel like you need, again, especially if the relationship is relatively new, you need to do what’s best for you….just like he needs to do what’s best for him. It would be totally unfair on his part to expect you to be as invested in his self-development as he is.
IT'S NO DIFFERENT WITH YOUR DECISION TO BE ABSTINENT.
You are doing what’s best for you and he is not the devil incarnate if what is best for you is not what’s best for him. Husbands and wives have to make life-altering sacrifices; boyfriends and girlfriends (or the “untitled”)? They don’t. As unpopular (and perhaps even difficult) as it may be to hear, just like the Bible, Quran, Torah, and taxes don’t give a category for boyfriends and girlfriends (you’re single, married, divorced, or widowed), you should live your life in a similar fashion.
What I mean by that is, you’re single until you’re not. This means that you need to prioritize yourself above all else until someone vows to provide for and protect you (as you vow to help and nurture him). If you need to be abstinent, you don’t owe someone your body. If your partner doesn’t want to follow suit, he doesn’t owe you the sacrifice of going without either.
And so, if you can’t find any compromise, break up. Maybe you’ll cross paths in the future, maybe you won’t. What this season will reveal to you, rest assured, is what is best for you, who complements your life in the now, and how you should move as far as interactions with others go. Yet again, he’s not a villain for not wanting something that is different from what he initially agreed to. Don’t gaslight yourself or him into thinking otherwise. It’s not fair.
Always Do What’s Best for You
GiphyListen, as someone who knows long-term abstinence very up close and personally, very few things in life will teach you more about yourself than going without sex for a season will. It will teach you self-control. It will teach you how to figure out the difference between loving someone and “loving it.” It will teach you how to not settle just because someone makes you feel good. It will teach you how to exert self-discipline in other areas of your life. It will teach you how to not be afraid of losing someone if that means gaining more of yourself.
And honestly, that’s the biggest takeaway that you should get from all of this because, while there is a chance that your relationship is solid enough that your partner can roll with your decision if he chooses not to, choosing you above him and your connection, that is already making abstinence a bomb decision. Because when you do what’s best for you, you tend to choose who is ultimately best for you — whether it’s immediately or eventually — too.
___
Bottom line, if you know that putting sex on pause is best for you, for now, PLEASE don’t let a relationship keep you from doing that. It might feel good to ignore your innermost needs now…yet I can almost guarantee that you will regret it later.
And it’s NEVER worth it, while you’re single, to ignore or push aside you…for “him”.
Trust me on that, sis.
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Featured image by Tom Werner/Getty Images
- The Art Of Celibacy: A Guide To Deeper Self-Love & Healing ›
- My Husband & I Were Celibate For The 2 Years We Dated - Here's How We Did It ›
- 7 Tips To Navigate The Dating Scene While Celibate ›
- DeVon Franklin Says Only A Woman Like Meagan Good Could Have Ended His Decade-Long Celibacy ›
- No Sex Zone: Why One Couple Is Practicing Celibacy ›
- Reclaiming My Power: Why I'm Saying 'No' To Sex ›
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Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023