I already know what some of y’all are on: “Shellie, no matter how much you try and give a ‘glass half full’ approach to being single on Valentine’s Day, I ain’t buyin’ it. I wanted to be with someone this year and the fact that I’m not has me feelin’ some type of way.”
Noted. Heard. Understood. The point of writing articles like this one (or the one I penned last year that’s along the same lines: “Single Women, Valentine's Day Is Upon Us. Here's How To Flip That Ish In Your Favor.”) isn’t so much to get you out of what you want; it’s to encourage you to make the most of your time…in the meantime.
Besides, since V-Day is supposed to be about celebrating love, wouldn’t it make all the sense in the world to honor who you should love above all else — whether you’re in a relationship or not? YOU.
Yeah…my point exactly. So, instead of trying to act like February 14 doesn’t exist this year, decide that this is the year when you’re going to indulge yourself by doing at least a few of the following 15 suggestions. Because since you are totally in love with yourself…why not acknowledge it?
1. Revisit the Definitions of “Single”’
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Probably until I fade out into the sunset as far as this platform is concerned, whenever the topic of singleness comes up, I’m probably always going to mention the article, “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'.” That’s because, although most folks only think of “not married” (the original definition which means A LOT of people are relationally single; some of y’all will catch that later) or not boo’d up to be what “single” means, it’s so much more than that.
A single person is unique. A single person is exclusive. A single person is rare. And everything about those words is beyond wonderful and fantastic. So, this year, instead of focusing so much on not having anyone (single), think about how bomb you are by being such an exceptional woman (another word for “single”).
2. Make Time for Unconditional Love Meditation
If days like Valentine’s Day tend to ramp up your stress and anxiety levels, use it as a time to do some meditation. Meditation can definitely help to calm you down. In fact, I actually stumbled upon a site that features tracks that help you to do what is known as “unconditional love meditation” which, at the end of the day, basically means that you will hone in on self-love while removing your ego and increasing your compassion levels; including self-compassion (check out “What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like” and “12 Ways To Be Far More Self-Compassionate Every Day”).
You can see more of what the site has to offer in this realm here. Oh, and if meditation isn’t something you do often, it’s a fairly simple practice. You can learn how to do it, even at work, by reading this article here.
3. Speak Your Love Language to Yourself
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Words of affirmation. Physical touch. Quality time. Acts of service. Gifts. Whatever your top two primary love languages are, the fact that they are how you like love to be expressed to you (most) means that you don’t have to wait for someone to do them for you.
Write down some adjectives that describe what you like most about yourself (words of affirmation). Give yourself a head or foot massage (physical touch). Turn off your devices and read a book or take your own self out to eat (quality time). Ask someone to help you with something that has been stressing you out to take the load off (acts of service). Hit the mall and buy yourself something — just because (gifts).
So many people are down on themselves on Valentine’s Day because they think that everyone else BUT them should show themselves love. And that’s a damn shame because, so long as you love you and express it well, any day can be amazin’. V-Day included.
4. Set Some “Self-Love Goals” for the Rest of the Year
Even though it is kinda wild that, already, March isn’t too far away from us, you’ve still got plenty of time to put some solid plans into place for the rest of the calendar year. And what better way to make 2024 your best year yet than by setting some self-love goals? Plan a spa trip in another city. Buy yourself a self-affirmations journal (and actually write in it). Consider getting into some therapy or seeing a life coach. Take a solo trip to another country. Something that I’ve been doing lately is going on dates alone — and they have been nothing short of fabulous!
It might sound corny or cliché yet that doesn’t make it any less true: the more that you love yourself, the easier it is to discern the people who also love you…personally and professionally…romantically and platonically.
5. Take Advantage of Valentine’s Day Deals and Discounts
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Something that A LOT of people tend to overlook on Valentine’s Day is all of the deals and discounts that are out here when it comes to restaurants, candy, flowers, and lingerie. And while I get that it would be awesome if someone else was making the purchases for you, why wouldn’t you take this opportunity to get a steak for a cheaper amount or some new panties while they’re on sale? Parade has a list for this year that’s fairly extensive. You can see it for yourself here.
6. Eat a Salad
For the record, I think that if there’s any day when you should feel guilt-free about eating whatever the hell you want, V-Day would be it. The only reason why I’m suggesting a salad (even if it’s simply an appetizer) is because dark leafy greens are full of magnesium and magnesium is a nutrient that actually helps to keep you calm and relaxed. So, even if you’re not interested in having one for your Valentine’s Day dinner, how about for lunch while you’re at work?
7. Buy Yourself Some Flowers
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Although flowers on Valentine’s Day are typically associated with romance, there are other reasons why they are hella beneficial. Research reveals that flowers put us in a better mood and automatically make us feel more excited about life. And guess what? If you opt for something non-traditional like lavender, hibiscus, or pansies, you can steep the petals and turn them into a tea that is good for your overall health and well-being on several different levels. You can read about all of that here.
8. Rub Rose of Sharon Essential Oil on Your Pressure Points
At the end of the day, pressure points are simply parts of the body that are connected to other parts. When you “apply pressure” to them, they can reduce physical discomfort and bring the kind of relief that makes it easier to relax, boost energy levels (and your libido) and even give you a better night’s rest. That said, I’m a huge fan of essential oils and one that isn’t brought up often (in mainstream media) is the Rose of Sharon.
I like it because, one of the things that it symbolizes is, the beauty of the beloved. Beloved means “greatly loved,” so why not invest in a bottle of this particular one and “anoint yourself” with lots of love on various pressure points this Valentine’s Day?
9. Get Something That’s Red or Pink
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On V-Day, red and pink aren’t just limited to women in relationships. C’mon now. And besides, if there is one hue that pretty much every Black sistah looks absolutely amazing in, it’s red. So, get yourself something that is red or pink. Red symbolizes things like passion, love, and energy. Pink is all about femininity, compassion, and having a nurturing nature. You know, there is plenty of research out here to support the fact that color actually has a significant amount of influence on our mindset. So, if you want to feel more energized on Valentine’s Day, wear something red. More feminine? Wear something pink.
10. Invest in a Pearl
In the other “single on Valentine’s Day” article that I referenced earlier, I mentioned that one of my favorite Scriptures is Matthew 7:6; it’s a verse where Christ speaks against casting pearls before swine. On the heels of that, another Scripture that I like is Matthew 13:45-46 where it references a merchant selling everything that he had for one precious pearl. Since I’m a June baby and the pearl is one of my birthstones, I automatically have an affection towards it. That’s why I revisit the breakdown of how a pearl is formed at least a couple of times a year.
If you’ve never heard the story before (you can read the gist of it here), a lot happens for a pearl to come about. Why not get yourself a pair of pearl earrings or even just one freshwater or saltwater pearl to symbolize all that you’ve survived and how beautiful you are now as a direct result?
11. Treat Yourself to a New Pair of Shoes
I’m a sneakerhead myself although I’ve got plenty of friends who are shoe fanatics. I mean, they are so caught up in them that I just had to do some research into why footwear is such a phenomenon for women (did you know that there is a documentary on the topic? It’s called God Save My Shoes and you can currently watch it on Tubi). From what I’ve read, a lot of women like shoes because they are a confidence booster, they make them feel sexy and the shift of a shoe can totally change the look of any outfit.
And when the shoes are high heels, they can elongate your legs, give you the appearance of great posture, and take your femininity levels up a few notches. Hmph. Seems to me that while ladies who are in a relationship are out getting lingerie, single gals should treat themselves to a pair of new shoes. ‘Cause…why the heck not?
12. Do a Lil’ Forest Bathing
Shinrin-yoku is the Japanese word for forest bathing. If you’ve never heard of this type of meditation before, it’s basically going into the forest (or someplace where there is more than one tree) and doing some deep breathing there. You know, one of my all-time favorite books is The Celestine Prophecy and, even though it’s fictional, it talks about how you can get messages from nature if you’re willing to turn off your devices and get really still and quiet.
Science cosigns on this because there are studies to support that being in nature can reduce stress as well as decrease depression and anxiety-related symptoms. So, if this Valentine’s Day has you a little stressed out, why not go to a park or take a hike? It could be just what your heart needs.
13. Soak in a Dark Chocolate Bath
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Last fall, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “12 Ways Dark Chocolate Can Benefit Your Body From Head To Toe” and if there are two things that have Valentine’s Day written all over them, it’s red roses and chocolate. As far as chocolate goes, have you ever wondered how it became the signature candy for that particular day? From what I’ve read and researched, when the Victorian era was at its peak, Cadbury came up with a chocolate candy heart (hmph, kind of reminds me of how the origin story of De Beers’s going broke and coming up with “a diamond is forever” to get folks into buying diamond engagement rings — it’s all about capitalism at the end of the day, y’all).
Anyway, just like dark chocolate is good for your health, it’s also good for your skin because it contains properties that moisturize your skin, reduce inflammation, and decrease stress. So, if a bath is on the top of your to-do list on Valentine’s Day, take a dark chocolate one. There are a few recipes to help you take one correctly here.
14. Create Your Own Signature Cocktail
If you’ve been to more than just a few weddings before, you may have noticed that at least one bride and groom had a signature cocktail at their reception. I really like those because it’s cool to concoct your own cocktail (or mocktail) based on your favorite drink ingredients. Even though couples made this popular, they don’t have a lock on it. Use this V-Day to come up with your own signature cocktail and then keep the recipe in mind in order to toast yourself regularly (because you’re constantly doing something that is super bomb…right? Why not celebrate it with your own invented drink?).
15. Dance Before Turning In
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Question: When was the last time you danced? I don’t mean to go out dancing; I mean, you turned on some of your favorite songs and danced in your living room for at least a good 30 minutes. This Valentine’s Day, consider doing just that because not only is dancing good for your heart (pun intended), but it also helps to build your core, makes you more flexible, increases your self-esteem, reduces your stress levels, and is great for your mental health overall.
BONUS: Go Out with a Guy Friend
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A few years back, I wrote, “Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be 'Just Friends'” because I can personally attest to the fact that they indeed can. Personally, I have several male friends who I enjoy talking to, hanging out with, and catching a meal with. So, as we close this out, even with all that I just said, if you really want to be in the company of a man for V-Day, ask one of your single male friends if they would like to go to lunch or dinner.
Trust me, a lot of them have women who come out of the woodwork on Valentine’s Day, so they would jump at the chance of hanging out with a woman who comes with your pressure or potential drama. LOL. Why not let her be you? Happy Valentine’s Day, sis.
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I’ve shared before that waste means “to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return,” and if you are doing things that don’t really give you an ROI on the minutes and hours that you will never see again, to a large extent, you are definitely wasting your time. One way to avoid doing that is to manage your time wisely, and one way to do that is to incorporate a quote by author Stephen Covey: “The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” That’ll preach. A few sermons.
So, how can you know, without question, that you could stand to do some fine-tuning when it comes to time management? Well, for starters, if the following eight things apply to you on some level, you definitely could use some work on improving your time management skills. ASAP too.
1. You Spend Too Much Time on Social Media
GiphyReportedly, 10-15 percent of marriages are sexless. To be a part of category, it means that you have sex with your spouse no more than 10-12 times a year. What this basically boils down to is if you only engage in copulation once a month, you technically fall into this demographic (by the way, you’re considered to have a healthy marital sex life if you engage in coitus no less than once a week).
Where am I going with all of this? Well, whenever I have clients who are sexless and one or both of them tell me that they don’t have time for intimacy, one of the first things that I ask is how much time they spend on social media — and boy, you should see their faces. LOL.
There really is no telling how many times I’ve shared on this platform that most people spend somewhere around 2.5 hours, daily, on social media AND that most people are fine with intercourse lasting between 7-13 minutes. So nah, it doesn’t fly that if you’re not gettin’ it in with your partner, it’s because you’ve run out of time. A quickie alone gives you PLENTY of it.
It won’t feel that way, though, if you’re on social media for — shoot, the length of time of a movie (and then one sitcom episode). And that’s what you’ve got to watch about your time, in general, because if you are online a whopping 150 minutes each and every day — think about all of the other things that you could be getting done: exercising, meal prepping, goal-setting, catching up with family members and friends…so much, chile.
Social media as a form of entertainment or escapism is cool. Most experts say that beyond 30 minutes a day is leaning into it being somewhat counterproductive, though (unless you are getting actual work done on it). So yeah, if you want to become a master at time management, using self-discipline while being on your social media accounts is a great way to start.
Social media time management hack: Turn on a 30-minute sitcom and scroll as you watch it. Once it’s over — BING! You know that you’ve been on IG, TikTok or Facebook for 30 minutes straight.
2. You Are (Almost) Always Late
GiphyBack in my 20s, it was nothing for me to be late — if I showed up to something (that I said I was coming to) at all. And boy, was I being selfish, entitled and disrespectful of other people’s time. Yeah, you don’t really realize until you’re on the receiving end of someone’s tardiness (especially perpetual tardiness) just how irresponsible it can be to not show up at the time when you said that you would. Because really, if it — whatever “it” is — was gonna be, whenever, why was a time set in the first place?
Not to mention the fact that being late tends to have a ripple effect because, unless you and someone else were going to be together for an entire day, they typically have other things to do after leaving you — and your lateness could affect their already planned schedule.
Effective time management means that you plan things when you know that you can do them, you give yourself enough time to arrive on time — and if, for some reason, you’re going to be late, you respect the person enough to let them know.
Besides, people who keep schedules tend to be less stressed — and because they value other people’s time enough to not waste it, their relationships tend to be more easy-going too. That’s because respecting time cultivates trust; it makes you appear reliable which is always a good thing.
How to be on time hack: Add time to your time. What I mean by that is, if you told someone that you would meet up with them at 6:30 and you are 20 minutes away, add 20 minutes to that time. It helps when it comes to unexpected traffic and prevents you from rushing.
3. You Don’t Have Daily Goals
GiphyIdle hands are the devil’s workshop. King Solomon was once inspired to say that. Hmph. While we’re here, he also said that idle lips are his mouthpiece (just sayin’ — Proverbs 16:27). Anyway, as far as the hands thing, when you don’t have goals, it can be really easy to waste time — maybe because you’re bored, maybe because you’re antsy, maybe because, whether it’s consciously or subconsciously, you are looking for ways to use up your time. Problem is, when your time isn’t being utilized wisely, you can end up killing time — time that you will never get back.
It can’t be said enough that we all get the same 24 hours in a day and within each day, many productivity experts say that it’s important to have somewhere between 3-5 daily goals. It’s a good way to use your time wisely, to feel inspired and motivated and to make progress in various areas of your life.
How to set daily goals hack: Before turning in each night, pull out a journal or your phone and jot down three short-term goals that can be done the following day and two longer-term ones that you can start on. Make sure one long-term goal can be completed by the end of the week.
4. You Overestimate Your Multitasking Capabilities
GiphyMozart once said, “The shorter way to do many things is to only do one thing at a time." That said, I am always tickled whenever a female client (it is ALWAYS a female client — LOL) brags to me about how good she is at doing a million things at once. Listen, just because you can do that, it doesn’t mean that you are doing each of the things well. Science says so. And while some experts say that two is the limit and others say four, when it comes to checking things off of your to-do list, try to avoid doing several things at one time.
For one thing, it reduces the chance that you will make a mistake or overlook something. Also, it can prevent you from feeling anxious or frazzled. Yeah, even if you think that you are getting a lot done by multitasking, it can create unnecessary pressure and stress into your life and who needs that? It can also up your chances of doing things over — and that definitely can be a waste of your time.
How to multitask less hack: Meditate before starting your day. This means not looking at your phone, especially. Why? Because when you see all of the texts and notifications that are in it, that is typically what tempts you to attempt multiple things at once. Instead, ease into your morning quietly and calmly. Then prioritize what needs to be done and only do two things at a time.
Knowing that you were thorough is so much more satisfying than feeling like you did five things at once at an average level.
5. You Overwhelm Yourself
GiphyKnow what else can come from super multitasking — you find yourself feeling so overwhelmed that you become mentally and physically stagnant. In fact, many mental health experts say that it is very common to find yourself procrastinating whenever you are overwhelmed. Why? Well, when you sit and think about doing things that you may not want to do, that can overwhelm you.
At the same time, if you keep putting off what you need to do (good or “bad”), for days on end, until stuff piles up, the very thought of getting it all taken care of can tempt you to procrastinate — which only leads to a bigger pile of stuff to get overwhelmed with.
As a result, rather than what needs to be done, you intentionally seek out distractions that don’t really benefit you in the long run (more times than not).
How to stop overwhelming yourself hack: Write down what needs to be done in the order of their importance. Then go for a walk to clear your mind and commit to doing a couple of the things upon your return. Do them and then take another quick break before doing a couple more. The breaks will keep you from feeling stressed out from the weight of it all. Think of it like tearing down a mountain — a stone at a time.
6. You Don’t Have a Sleep Schedule
GiphyYou NEED sleep. Sleep IS NOT a luxury. And for goodness’ sake, stop saying that you’ll sleep when you’re dead? You’ll be dead when you’re dead. All of this said, I doubt that health experts will ever state that you won’t need between 6-8 hours of sleep every night. Sleep boosts immunity, so that you don’t “lose time” getting over being sick. Sleep gives you energy, so that you can actually get things done. Sleep helps with your cognitive function, so that your memory, concentration and productivity are intact, so that you can do things well.
A lot of people waste time because they aren’t performing well and it’s all because they aren’t getting the quality rest that they should. If you are one of these individuals, you should really consider implementing a sleep schedule. At the end of the day, all it means is you are prioritizing sleep — because you absolutely should.
How to start a sleep schedule hack: A part of what comes with having a sleep schedule is incorporating a bedtime routine. Check out “These Sleep Hacks Will Make Getting A Good Night’s Rest So Much Easier” for tips on how to make that easier for you.
7. Pleasure Isn’t Prioritized
GiphyRecently, a friend of mine wrote to me to say that their boyfriend (of quite some time) decided to, pretty much out of nowhere, break up with her a week before her birthday. When I asked her what her availability was so that I could treat her to lunch or dinner, she shared with me that most nights, she is working until 10:30pm. What in the world, chile?
If you don’t have a good and consistent work/life balance, you also low-key suck at time management because you absolutely were not put on this earth to do nothing but work all day and night long. SMDH. Pleasure is about enjoyment and some of your time is absolutely to be filled with that. If you don’t carve out leisure time to do things that make you happy — you 1000 percent suck at time management.
How to prioritize what pleases you (more often) hack: One hour a day during the week. No less than three hours, at least one day, on the weekends. Devote that time to nothing but what you enjoy doing. It keeps the stress levels down and also makes it easier to do the tasks that are less fun that need to be done.
8. You Don’t “Tithe” Your Time
GiphyAlthough tithe is a word that most of us don’t hear unless it’s in reference to church (Malachi 3), the word actually means “a tenth part or any indefinitely small part of anything” — and yes, when it comes to your time, it’s really important to tithe it out when it comes to things like your health regimen, self-care and decompression.
So, that said, be honest — do you tithe your time in the sense of making sure that within your 24-hour day, time is set aside for certain things? Now, to be fair, 10 percent of 24 hours is 2.4 hours, right? So, while some of these things might need to be combined — doing some yoga while binge-watching a show would qualify as “tithe timing.” So would taking a bubble bath and listening to your favorite podcast.
How to tithe your time hack: No matter what is going on, make sure that 2.4 hours, DAILY, is set aside for a bit of “you” time — you in the sense of doing what reminds you to prioritize yourself.
BONUS: You Remain in Cyclic Nonsense
I can’t believe that it’s basically been a year since I released my third book (what is time?). In it, there is a chapter entitled, “The Nice Guy Narcissist” and although the man’s name (and certain details that would make it clear to some folks who I am talking about) isn’t present, my circle knows who I am referring to.
Anyway, one of my friends loathes him so much that she doesn’t deal with him on any level — even has him blocked on social media. Meanwhile, a guy who has been basically wasting her time since she was a teenager (who she allows to put her through all sorts of mental and emotional roller coaster rides and she’s middle-aged at this point), they play the block/unblock game on a monthly basis.
That same energy she has for who hurt me? She needs to give her own self a triple portion for the clown in her life. In fact, I’ve said to her that I think she is actually projecting on “my guy” because she doesn’t have the courage to do the same with her own (ouch and amen).
And that is why the video above this point is so fitting. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that you’ve seen a hamster in a hamster wheel before. Hmph. All that running and not getting any damn wear. Cyclic patterns are just like that — and if you are in a cyclic situation, how can you NOT be wasting your time? What can going around and around and getting nowhere be a way of using your time wisely. You wanna master time management? Leave the people, places, things and ideas that are counterproductive AF TOTALLY alone. FOR GOOD.
A way to get off of your own hamster wheel hack: The thing that is your “wheel,” think about the ways that it takes you backwards and keeps you stuck. Then get REALLY HONEST about what needs to be done to move you forward. THEN DO THAT THING.
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Author Micheal Altshuler once said, “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot” — and as I wrap this up, when it comes to time management, truer words have not been spoken.
The beautiful thing about time management is you have the ability to manage your own.
Hopefully now you know how to do that a bit better.
So that you can get the absolute most out of your time.
Amen? YES.
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