

When you're a writer, you learn to avoid living for the comments. The main reason why is because you don't want to get cocky off of praise or beat down by criticism (which is a huge part of the reason why I don't do social media). That doesn't mean there aren't times when I don't tiptoe on in because, well, I am human and humans are curious creatures. Anyway, back when I wrote the article, "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone", a comment that truly moved me was a woman who basically said that she was hesitant to read it at first because she thought that it was gonna be super religious; however, she was pleasantly surprised to see that it wasn't. Because of that, she could receive what was being said.
Unfortunately, a lot of us think that being spiritual is the same thing as being religious when that's not quite the case. While it is possible to be both (check out "What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?"), when I speak of being spiritual, I'm coming from the angle of how our spirit is our internal life source. I also appreciate a literal definition of the word—"to encourage; urge on or stir up, as to action".
That's the mindset I'd like you to be in as we tackle this topic. A principle is a fundamental rule or personal basis of conduct. So, when I speak spiritual principles of sex within marriage, I'm talking about the rules and conduct that sex brings in order to stir up (sexual) action in order to bring life—growth, soul, energy, enthusiasm and vigor—into that type of union. Here are the seven that I think are paramount in any marital relationship.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #1: Both People Should Have a Healthy View of Sex
If you're a single person who is looking in on this, I can't stress how important this is. As someone who grew up in the Church and then became cool with a lot of Christian marriage counselors as an adult, I know for a fact that the Church, overall, does a pretty horrific job when it comes to addressing the topic of sex overall, let alone someone's sexual history and personal perspectives on sex prior to getting married. Yet knowing what someone's experiences and feelings are about it is so critical. What were they taught about sex? If they weren't a virgin going into marriage (because yes, wedding night virgins do still exist), what was their first experience like? Was there any sexual trauma that they had to endure and, if so, did they get any therapy for it? What are their expectations for sex? What do they think the purpose of sex is? Have they even stopped to consider that sex is a spiritual act and not just a physical one? These are just some of the questions and concerns that are extremely valid and relevant.
And what if you're already married and you never really discussed these things with your spouse before? There is no time like the present because, the reality is, it's really difficult to have a thriving sex life if you don't have a healthy view of sex and you're not approaching it with your partner in a holistically beneficial kind of way. It takes a lot of self-introspection and emotional maturity to get that good sex isn't just about having a physical level of compatibility; it's also making sure that you're mentally and emotionally sound too. Mutually understanding each other's understanding of sex is so important. Have that discussion as soon as possible, if you haven't already.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #2: Sex Transcends the Physical
On the heels of what I just said, I have shared, more than once, that one of my favorite Scriptures on sex is the Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16-20. It starts off by saying, "There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, 'The two become one.'" Pay special attention to the part that is bold and underlined. Sex isn't just a physical fact because there are spiritual mysteries that transpire when it happens as well. A mystery? A mystery is a secret. You know what else a mystery is? It's a divine revelation. Something that's divine is sacred.
This is a huge part of the reason why I think the term "casual sex" is such an oxymoron. Whether people choose to acknowledge it or not, because sex isn't just about body parts clacking away, there is more to it than the physical pleasure that it brings. You're sacred and so is your partner. This reason alone is why, oftentimes, there are profound insights that transpire during the act itself.
This is also why I constantly encourage married couples to be intentional about cultivating a healthy sexual relationship with one another. The reality is when you're single and sexually active and you take that mentality into your marital union, it can make you a very selfish lover (more on that in a second). It can also cause you to overlook all of the ways that sex helps to strengthen your bond with your partner on levels that truly transcend the physical. So yeah, if you want to maintain a powerful emotional connection with your partner, seeing sex through spiritual eyes is paramount.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #3: Sex Isn’t Just About You
Remember how I said that "single sex" can make people selfish? To be selfish is to be self-consumed and when you're single—which to me means until your tax relational status switches over from "single" to "married"—selfish is what a lot of us are on the sexual tip. While we enjoy the act of sex with someone else, we're not consistently focused on our partner's holistic sexual needs as much as our own. Yet when we're married, a part of what that means is we made the conscious effort to exchange the "me" for "we". This means that our spouse's wants and needs matter just as much as our own. And what that means is we can't have the "single mentality" and make everything about sex be solely about our own views and desires.
Actually, that's one of the most beautiful things about married sex and honestly, marriage, in general. If people are approaching this kind of relationship from a mature standpoint, they are using the union to teach them how to be less selfish. How to learn to truly care about someone else, not just when they "feel like it" but all of the time. How to seek out what their partner needs, both in and out of the bedroom, and how to make a daily decision to acknowledge their spouse's needs until death parts them.
One of the biggest spiritual principles surrounding sex is it's to show you how to stop being so into yourself as your partner learns to do the same. How are you and yours doing in this area right about now? The answer to this one question can reveal a lot about where you are spiritually when it comes to your sexual relationship.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #4: Sex Should Be Creative
If I may, let me circle on back to the Bible, just one more time. The Message Version of Galatians 6:1&5 tells us, "Live creatively, friends…Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." The operative word in there?
Creative. To be spiritual is to be creative. To be creative is to be spiritual. And since sex is a spiritual act, I'm pretty sure you can see where I'm going with all of this, right? A creative person does original things. A creative person is imaginative. A creative person is a visionary who comes up with inventive, clever and stimulating ideas.
I can't tell you how many couples have sat across from me (usually after about seven years into their marriage) and one (or both) of them is irritated like a mug and it's all because they are bored out of their mind when it comes to their sex life. It truly can't be emphasized enough that you're not functioning fully as a spiritual being if you're not tapping into your creative side. Your sex life is not exempt here. Not at all.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #5: Orgasms Are a Benefit, Not the Purpose of Sex
One of my favorite quotes is by Aristotle. He once said that the excess of a virtue is a vice; in an interesting way, this applies to this particular point. The musician Jim Morrison once said, "Whoever controls the media, controls the mind" and, unfortunately—tragically, really—the media has worked overtime to program people into believing that sex is a base-level act and humans are to respond to it as no more than being a dog in heat, when that couldn't be further from the truth. I write about sex on this platform literally all the time and while I am a huge fan of folks getting as many orgasms as they possibly can, I absolutely do not think that climaxing is the purpose of sex. Orgasms are a benefit yet it's not the reason why sex was designed; not from a spiritual standpoint, anyway.
And before some of you roll your eyes and assume that where I'm going with this is sex is to procreate, while I definitely think that is one purpose, it's not the top one on my list either (many married folks have sex and don't desire or cannot have children). Sex is about manifesting oneness. It's about bonding. It's about sharing yourself with someone in a way that no other act will allow you to do. It's about cultivating interdependence.
Any married couple who keeps the purpose of sex in mind will be able to find physical pleasure a lot easier to achieve than the ones who leave this out. Because again, while orgasms are bomb, when you're seeking the close-to-miraculous- closeness that sexual activity manifests, that leaves you satisfied in many ways; especially spiritually.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #6: The Spirit Is Selfless
While it might seem like I've already addressed this point, humor me for a sec. Humans are made of flesh and the flesh can be flawed in so many ways. That's why it's so dope that we have a spiritual side to us. It's what reminds us that there is more to life than what we see and what we want. That's why I'm gonna forever be an advocate of marriage being a spiritual union. It's designed to elevate us on a higher spiritual plain (why do you think it comes with so much warfare? Real talk). Well, while I have already touched on the fact that marital sex should make us less selfish, another spiritual principle surrounding marital sex is that it should make you more spiritual, period.
Just like it's pretty difficult to remain angry during the act of sex (especially when it'sreally good sex), whether husbands and wives realize it or not, it's close to impossible to not tap into the spirit realm, period, when the act is going down. And the more you engage in something that is spiritual, the less you are consumed with your physical side. This means that you ultimately become a more spiritual being which makes you a more selfless person overall. And the more selfless you are, the more you are able to thrive in every facet of your life.
I recently read a study that said orgasms in sex are as potent as painkillers that treat migraines (so much for that "I've got a headache" excuse). Give thanks. I've also read that an orgasm gets us as close to a heavenly experience as possible on this side of heaven itself. Who doesn't want to experience that? And beyond this point, who doesn't want to do something that can ultimately make them a better person? Sex is spiritual. Being spiritual makes you more selfless. Being more selfless makes you a next level kind of being. Just one more reason to want to "engage" as much as possible. Right?
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #7: SEX. IS. LIFE.
When a sperm and egg come together, it creates new. All of us are here because of this very fact. Hmph. I wonder how many marital sexual experiences would go to another level if they looked at their energy exchanges in a similar fashion—if they recognized that every time they had sex, LIFE came forth. I'm not talking about a little human. I'm referring to all of the ways that I defined life earlier in this article.
Again, synonyms for life include growth, soul, energy, enthusiasm, and vigor. When you have sex with your spouse, the two of you are causing things to grow. The two of you are truly becoming soul mates. The two of you are sharing each other's energy (energy is power). The two of you are igniting a level of enthusiasm in a way that only sex can create. And the two of you are bringing strength to one another. When I said sex is life, I meant it.
It can't be said enough that a clear distinction between a marital union and the kind of relationship that people have with others is you should definitely be having sex with your spouse. And when you really take in how much of a privilege it is to partake in something that is so spiritual, how could you not want to share that experience with them as much as possible. SEX. IS. LIFE. Remember that. 'Til death do you part.
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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My personal relationship with birth control pills is a bit of an odd one. Back when I first became sexually active (I started having sex with my first boyfriend a couple of months shy of 19), I took them for a couple of months, didn’t like how they made me feel, and so I quit using them altogether (and got pregnant almost immediately after). The rest of my adult life, I stayed off of the pill and pretty much only used condoms (and even then, not consistently — SMDH).
And yet here I am, now, all these years later, back on them again: surprise, surprise.
These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
Okay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
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Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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