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7 Signs That It’s You Who Is Actually The Commitment-Phobe
You know, I always find it quite fascinating that whenever the topic of cheating comes up, it’s assumed that damn near everyone in the world does it and that women barely do it when the reality is that, reportedly, only 20 percent of men cheat and 13 percent of women do (both ways, that is a minority, for sure). And then, when the topic of marriage is on the table, while there is constant dialogue about men being afraid to say “I do,” somehow what doesn’t come up nearly as much is the fact that it’s 70 percent of women who initiate divorce.
Know what this means to me? When it comes to the topic of relationships, we have to be careful about making gross generalizations. And, when it comes to long-term dynamics, a commitment-phobe can be a man or a woman. Most definitely so.
Back in the day, I wrote, “5 Reasons Why You KEEP Attracting Commitment-Phobes” for the platform, in hopes that as many women as possible could avoid investing their heart, time, energy, and body parts to men who run from commitments like they are the plague. However, if you read enough of my content, you know that when it comes to having healthy, happy, and thriving relationships, I believe that everyone can get it as far as personal accountability goes.
So today, let’s look at commitment issues from a different angle. Below, I’m going to share seven signs that you — or one of your girlfriends — could be a commitment-phobe whether you’re in denial or you’re seeking confirmation. I won’t lie; there might be a few “ouch” moments along the way, yet if it can help you to break the habit and get closer to your future man, I think it’ll ultimately be worth it.
1. Your Expectations Are Unrealistic As All Get Out
Two people that set themselves up to be consistently disappointed are the ones who think you should never expect anything out of life and the ones who have expectations that are so unrealistic they are damn near unattainable. The first folks? They are typically coming from a place of protecting themselves from pain. That’s why they say that they subscribe to life mottos like, “If you never expect anything, you won’t ever be disappointed.” Lord. How dark is that? Expecting something is literally having something to look forward to, and if your life doesn’t consist of any of that, you’re going to find yourself leaning on the side of cynicism at best, and negativity at worst — and that is no way to live a satisfying life.
The second? Low-key, these types of individuals oftentimes fall into the commitment-phobe category because…just think about it: If your expectations are super unrealistic, you can always say that it’s not that you didn’t want a relationship, you simply did not find someone who checked off everything on that 10-page list of yours. SMDH. Yeah, commitment-phobes are good for meeting a really great guy and then ending the relationship after they find out that he makes $60K while they make $40K or not giving a guy a chance because he’s 5’10” when they are 5’5” (only 15 percent of men are 6’ or over, by the way).
It’s not really about having high standards; it’s about building up walls and calling them standards so that no one will catch on to what’s really going on with them.
2. You’re Constantly Moving the Bar
The ever-moving goalpost; this is how a true commitment-phobe gets down. First, you want someone who is really nice — oh, but not too nice. Then you want someone who is romantic — oh, but not someone who comes off as clingy or needy because that seems “sassy” (I really need some of y’all to look that word up; I promise it doesn’t mean what social media implies that it does). First, your love language is quality time — yet he’s on the quiet side and so now it’s words of affirmation. No wonder guys find themselves frustrated; like Issa once told Molly on Insecure (the episode when Lawrence found out that Issa cheated on him with Daniel…that really was a great show), “You’re impossible to please” — and so, guys tap out…because they don’t know what else to do.
Commitment-phobes tend to be this way because a commitment requires them to stand firm on some things, and since the thought of that makes them uncomfortable, they’re constantly shifting their definition of what makes them happy and what will cause them to actually settle down with someone.
I like soccer. Whenever I watch it, I enjoy the focus and flexibility of the person trying to get the ball into the goal. They have to learn how to make that happen — and that requires real time, effort, and skill. At the same time, it’s ridiculous to blame them if the goal is always moving around; that would be the goal’s issue, not theirs. I hope you got where I was going with that little analogy.
3. Your Last Long-Term Relationship Was…Hell, When Was It?
When it comes to this particular point, I’m not speaking of those who have intentionally taken themselves out of the dating game. I’m talking about people who are out here actively dating (or actively doing…something…LOL), and it hasn’t led to anything even remotely serious or long-term. If this is the box that you can check when it comes to this article, why is that the case? Are you someone who doesn’t really like dates to go beyond the initial 1-3? Do you only see dating as a recreational activity? Does the thought of letting someone actually get to know more than the “top layers” of you make you feel emotionally claustrophobic?
Maybe it’s something deeper like your last real relationship was an absolute trainwreck, and the thought of getting into another frightens you, makes you want to throw up, or both. Maybe, like one of my clients once told me, you never saw a long-term commitment modeled to you while growing up, so the concept is completely foreign in your mind. Perhaps you’ve had so many bitter people in your life that you automatically equate a relationship with a headache.
Whatever the reason may be, if you’re in your 30s or older and it’s been years since you’ve had something solid, more times than not, that’s another sign of being a commitment-phobe. What I will say is, when it comes to this one, it’s a good idea to do some real pondering because your reason determines what approach you should take to change it (if you want to change it). Some folks need to date with more intention. Others need to go to therapy and do some healing. A ton of folks should take social media breaks and get some mentors who are happily married/committed.
Anyway, there’s no way that I could write an article like this and not bring up this point. If it struck a nerve, ask yourself…why that is the case.
4. Intimacy Is Only Surface Layer with/for You
Where in the world does time go? I can’t believe that it was almost four years ago when I penned, “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?” for the platform. When I was discussing this very topic with a woman I know who can relate to the people who are featured in it, she was quick to admit that although she likes having as much sex as possible, she tries to avoid kissing at all costs because it’s “too intimate.” Lawd, this reminds me of yet another Insecure episode when Tiffany basically said to Issa (as all of the ladies were discussing giving head) that she found it wild that while Issa thought that putting a penis in her mouth was too intimate, putting a penis in her vagina…wasn’t (chile).
Expanding on Tiff’s point, a lot of commitment-phobes are just like this; only, they feel this way about their heart (and to a certain extent, their time)…not so much their mouth.
They don’t want to cuddle — it’s too intimate. They don’t want to spend the night — it’s too intimate. The minute that their sex partner wants to forego sex and talk, they feel insulted, rejected, wonder about his sexuality, and then use one of these as a reason to end the sexuationship. Or — and please really peep this one — they only really enjoy sex if they are tipsy or high. That’s because being not-fully-sober is also a type of wall; being sober means being totally present, and for a lot of commitment-phobes, that’s the last thing that they want to be.
Or it comes another way. Sex or not, there are certain topics that are totally off limits: childhood, past relationships, vulnerabilities, and fears. To them, they think that you are trying to get too close, and so they will either gaslight you into feeling like you are being nosy or invasive when the reality is they don’t like any genuine emotional familiarity; so, you can either chill and keep it fun and games or move on to someone else.
5. You Avoid Making Plans at All Costs
Although I mostly work with married couples, there are quite a few singles who also cross my path. And you know what? You’d be amazed how many of them are women who don’t like to be “locked in” to long-term plans. What I mean by that is, they will start dating a guy, and a good couple of months of steady communication and interaction in, he will ask if they want to take a trip over the summer or make plans for a particular holiday, and they will immediately take the “we’ll see” approach.
When I ask them if they see any red flags with ole’ boy, the answer is “no.” Then they come with some, “I just don’t want to feel pressured when I don’t know what the future will bring.” Girl, it’s not a marriage proposal; it’s a weekend at a resort, or he wants to not be overbilled for reservations on Valentine’s Day so…what’s really going on?
I’ll tell you: Commitment-phobes hate things like plans and schedules because that means they have to be held accountable and keep their word — and that’s two things that they are not very good at; no, not at all. The thing that’s wild about this particular point is, that if you asked their friends and family about it, they would tell you that they can totally relate to your frustration because they are just as unpredictable and fickle with them.
Yeah, that’s another interesting thing about commitment-phobes: sometimes the waters run deep; other times, they are just reckless with other people’s time because they haven’t had any real consequences for their negligence…yet. As they get older, that tends to change, though. Wisdom teaches their circle that wasting time on commitment-phobes is pretty damn foolish.
6. You Make Excuses for Pretty Much Everything
George Washington Carver once said, “Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have a habit of making excuses.” The interesting thing about excuses is why we all have a general concept of what the word means, peep an actual definition: “a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense”. Okay, so you know what this means, right? More times than not, if you’re trying to come up with an excuse about something, chances are, you did something wrong. And commitment-phobes? They are fluent in excuses-speak.
Excuses for why they disappointed you. Excuses for why they hurt your feelings. Excuses for why they "can’t" be (which really ends up being "won’t" in many instances) what you need in a relationship. Excuses for not returning calls, responding to texts, or breaking dates at the last minute. Excuses for why they just keep on making more excuses. As a direct result, as Mr. Washington so eloquently stated, it leads to failure — including in relationships. Because so long as all you do is make excuses, you don’t really focus on changing your behavior.
And when it comes to relationships, that just keeps you in the pattern of interactions with people who don’t ever really get around to going the distance.
7. Self-Sabotage Is Basically Your Middle Name
Listen, I’m not saying that once you meet someone you really like, it can be a bit “scary” because…what if you go all in and it doesn’t work out? I get it. At the same time, though, it’s one thing to think that way — it’s another thing to become obsessed with that type of mindset to the point where you ruin everything all by yourself. That, my dear, is a form of self-sabotage, and it runs rampant when it comes to commitment-phobes.
So how can you know if self-sabotage is something you do indeed struggle with?
- You’re a poor communicator
- You make mountains out of molehills
- You’re dismissive of your partner’s needs
- You are emotionally erratic
- You’re entitled and/or ungrateful
- You nitpick at every little thing
- You gaslight — a lot
- You’re a serial dater
- You hate the idea of being sexually exclusive
- You keep finding a billion reasons to not settle down
Oh, there are more yet, as I wind this down, I think these 10 signs are enough to give you the overall gist. Bottom line with all of this is, a commitment is about devoting yourself to someone in both word and deed. And the actions above? They hinder that from being a true possibility, especially long-term.
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Was this the most comfortable article? Of course not. It wasn’t meant to be. What I can assure you is if you commit to taking it seriously, you can break free from being a commitment-phobe and learn to embrace what it looks and feels like to be truly and fully committed to someone…as they do the same thing to/for/with you. Amen? Selah.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
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I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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