You know, I always find it quite fascinating that whenever the topic of cheating comes up, it’s assumed that damn near everyone in the world does it and that women barely do it when the reality is that, reportedly, only 20 percent of men cheat and 13 percent of women do (both ways, that is a minority, for sure). And then, when the topic of marriage is on the table, while there is constant dialogue about men being afraid to say “I do,” somehow what doesn’t come up nearly as much is the fact that it’s 70 percent of women who initiate divorce.
Know what this means to me? When it comes to the topic of relationships, we have to be careful about making gross generalizations. And, when it comes to long-term dynamics, a commitment-phobe can be a man or a woman. Most definitely so.
Back in the day, I wrote, “5 Reasons Why You KEEP Attracting Commitment-Phobes” for the platform, in hopes that as many women as possible could avoid investing their heart, time, energy, and body parts to men who run from commitments like they are the plague. However, if you read enough of my content, you know that when it comes to having healthy, happy, and thriving relationships, I believe that everyone can get it as far as personal accountability goes.
So today, let’s look at commitment issues from a different angle. Below, I’m going to share seven signs that you — or one of your girlfriends — could be a commitment-phobe whether you’re in denial or you’re seeking confirmation. I won’t lie; there might be a few “ouch” moments along the way, yet if it can help you to break the habit and get closer to your future man, I think it’ll ultimately be worth it.
1. Your Expectations Are Unrealistic As All Get Out
GiphyTwo people that set themselves up to be consistently disappointed are the ones who think you should never expect anything out of life and the ones who have expectations that are so unrealistic they are damn near unattainable. The first folks? They are typically coming from a place of protecting themselves from pain. That’s why they say that they subscribe to life mottos like, “If you never expect anything, you won’t ever be disappointed.” Lord. How dark is that? Expecting something is literally having something to look forward to, and if your life doesn’t consist of any of that, you’re going to find yourself leaning on the side of cynicism at best, and negativity at worst — and that is no way to live a satisfying life.
The second? Low-key, these types of individuals oftentimes fall into the commitment-phobe category because…just think about it: If your expectations are super unrealistic, you can always say that it’s not that you didn’t want a relationship, you simply did not find someone who checked off everything on that 10-page list of yours. SMDH. Yeah, commitment-phobes are good for meeting a really great guy and then ending the relationship after they find out that he makes $60K while they make $40K or not giving a guy a chance because he’s 5’10” when they are 5’5” (only 15 percent of men are 6’ or over, by the way).
It’s not really about having high standards; it’s about building up walls and calling them standards so that no one will catch on to what’s really going on with them.
2. You’re Constantly Moving the Bar
GiphyThe ever-moving goalpost; this is how a true commitment-phobe gets down. First, you want someone who is really nice — oh, but not too nice. Then you want someone who is romantic — oh, but not someone who comes off as clingy or needy because that seems “sassy” (I really need some of y’all to look that word up; I promise it doesn’t mean what social media implies that it does). First, your love language is quality time — yet he’s on the quiet side and so now it’s words of affirmation. No wonder guys find themselves frustrated; like Issa once told Molly on Insecure (the episode when Lawrence found out that Issa cheated on him with Daniel…that really was a great show), “You’re impossible to please” — and so, guys tap out…because they don’t know what else to do.
Commitment-phobes tend to be this way because a commitment requires them to stand firm on some things, and since the thought of that makes them uncomfortable, they’re constantly shifting their definition of what makes them happy and what will cause them to actually settle down with someone.
I like soccer. Whenever I watch it, I enjoy the focus and flexibility of the person trying to get the ball into the goal. They have to learn how to make that happen — and that requires real time, effort, and skill. At the same time, it’s ridiculous to blame them if the goal is always moving around; that would be the goal’s issue, not theirs. I hope you got where I was going with that little analogy.
3. Your Last Long-Term Relationship Was…Hell, When Was It?
GiphyWhen it comes to this particular point, I’m not speaking of those who have intentionally taken themselves out of the dating game. I’m talking about people who are out here actively dating (or actively doing…something…LOL), and it hasn’t led to anything even remotely serious or long-term. If this is the box that you can check when it comes to this article, why is that the case? Are you someone who doesn’t really like dates to go beyond the initial 1-3? Do you only see dating as a recreational activity? Does the thought of letting someone actually get to know more than the “top layers” of you make you feel emotionally claustrophobic?
Maybe it’s something deeper like your last real relationship was an absolute trainwreck, and the thought of getting into another frightens you, makes you want to throw up, or both. Maybe, like one of my clients once told me, you never saw a long-term commitment modeled to you while growing up, so the concept is completely foreign in your mind. Perhaps you’ve had so many bitter people in your life that you automatically equate a relationship with a headache.
Whatever the reason may be, if you’re in your 30s or older and it’s been years since you’ve had something solid, more times than not, that’s another sign of being a commitment-phobe. What I will say is, when it comes to this one, it’s a good idea to do some real pondering because your reason determines what approach you should take to change it (if you want to change it). Some folks need to date with more intention. Others need to go to therapy and do some healing. A ton of folks should take social media breaks and get some mentors who are happily married/committed.
Anyway, there’s no way that I could write an article like this and not bring up this point. If it struck a nerve, ask yourself…why that is the case.
4. Intimacy Is Only Surface Layer with/for You
GiphyWhere in the world does time go? I can’t believe that it was almost four years ago when I penned, “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?” for the platform. When I was discussing this very topic with a woman I know who can relate to the people who are featured in it, she was quick to admit that although she likes having as much sex as possible, she tries to avoid kissing at all costs because it’s “too intimate.” Lawd, this reminds me of yet another Insecure episode when Tiffany basically said to Issa (as all of the ladies were discussing giving head) that she found it wild that while Issa thought that putting a penis in her mouth was too intimate, putting a penis in her vagina…wasn’t (chile).
Expanding on Tiff’s point, a lot of commitment-phobes are just like this; only, they feel this way about their heart (and to a certain extent, their time)…not so much their mouth.
They don’t want to cuddle — it’s too intimate. They don’t want to spend the night — it’s too intimate. The minute that their sex partner wants to forego sex and talk, they feel insulted, rejected, wonder about his sexuality, and then use one of these as a reason to end the sexuationship. Or — and please really peep this one — they only really enjoy sex if they are tipsy or high. That’s because being not-fully-sober is also a type of wall; being sober means being totally present, and for a lot of commitment-phobes, that’s the last thing that they want to be.
Or it comes another way. Sex or not, there are certain topics that are totally off limits: childhood, past relationships, vulnerabilities, and fears. To them, they think that you are trying to get too close, and so they will either gaslight you into feeling like you are being nosy or invasive when the reality is they don’t like any genuine emotional familiarity; so, you can either chill and keep it fun and games or move on to someone else.
5. You Avoid Making Plans at All Costs
GiphyAlthough I mostly work with married couples, there are quite a few singles who also cross my path. And you know what? You’d be amazed how many of them are women who don’t like to be “locked in” to long-term plans. What I mean by that is, they will start dating a guy, and a good couple of months of steady communication and interaction in, he will ask if they want to take a trip over the summer or make plans for a particular holiday, and they will immediately take the “we’ll see” approach.
When I ask them if they see any red flags with ole’ boy, the answer is “no.” Then they come with some, “I just don’t want to feel pressured when I don’t know what the future will bring.” Girl, it’s not a marriage proposal; it’s a weekend at a resort, or he wants to not be overbilled for reservations on Valentine’s Day so…what’s really going on?
I’ll tell you: Commitment-phobes hate things like plans and schedules because that means they have to be held accountable and keep their word — and that’s two things that they are not very good at; no, not at all. The thing that’s wild about this particular point is, that if you asked their friends and family about it, they would tell you that they can totally relate to your frustration because they are just as unpredictable and fickle with them.
Yeah, that’s another interesting thing about commitment-phobes: sometimes the waters run deep; other times, they are just reckless with other people’s time because they haven’t had any real consequences for their negligence…yet. As they get older, that tends to change, though. Wisdom teaches their circle that wasting time on commitment-phobes is pretty damn foolish.
6. You Make Excuses for Pretty Much Everything
GiphyGeorge Washington Carver once said, “Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have a habit of making excuses.” The interesting thing about excuses is why we all have a general concept of what the word means, peep an actual definition: “a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense”. Okay, so you know what this means, right? More times than not, if you’re trying to come up with an excuse about something, chances are, you did something wrong. And commitment-phobes? They are fluent in excuses-speak.
Excuses for why they disappointed you. Excuses for why they hurt your feelings. Excuses for why they "can’t" be (which really ends up being "won’t" in many instances) what you need in a relationship. Excuses for not returning calls, responding to texts, or breaking dates at the last minute. Excuses for why they just keep on making more excuses. As a direct result, as Mr. Washington so eloquently stated, it leads to failure — including in relationships. Because so long as all you do is make excuses, you don’t really focus on changing your behavior.
And when it comes to relationships, that just keeps you in the pattern of interactions with people who don’t ever really get around to going the distance.
7. Self-Sabotage Is Basically Your Middle Name
GiphyListen, I’m not saying that once you meet someone you really like, it can be a bit “scary” because…what if you go all in and it doesn’t work out? I get it. At the same time, though, it’s one thing to think that way — it’s another thing to become obsessed with that type of mindset to the point where you ruin everything all by yourself. That, my dear, is a form of self-sabotage, and it runs rampant when it comes to commitment-phobes.
So how can you know if self-sabotage is something you do indeed struggle with?
- You’re a poor communicator
- You make mountains out of molehills
- You’re dismissive of your partner’s needs
- You are emotionally erratic
- You’re entitled and/or ungrateful
- You nitpick at every little thing
- You gaslight — a lot
- You’re a serial dater
- You hate the idea of being sexually exclusive
- You keep finding a billion reasons to not settle down
Oh, there are more yet, as I wind this down, I think these 10 signs are enough to give you the overall gist. Bottom line with all of this is, a commitment is about devoting yourself to someone in both word and deed. And the actions above? They hinder that from being a true possibility, especially long-term.
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Was this the most comfortable article? Of course not. It wasn’t meant to be. What I can assure you is if you commit to taking it seriously, you can break free from being a commitment-phobe and learn to embrace what it looks and feels like to be truly and fully committed to someone…as they do the same thing to/for/with you. Amen? Selah.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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