The month begins with a mystical Full Moon in Pisces inviting us to surrender our plans to align with those of the Divine. Your popularity is getting you places when Venus enters Leo, making you a recipient for good fortune and generosity from others. On the 9th, Mars goes retrograde encouraging you to slow down a bit to reassess how you've been expending your energy. The New Moon is a great time to implement a healthier approach to managing stress and anxiety.
When the Sun joins Mercury in Libra, the focus is on revising contracts and balancing relationships—whether that be with another person, your work, and even yourself. On the 27th, Mercury enters Scorpio, encouraging you to nurture the connections you'd like to develop more intimacy with. At the end of the month, Saturn joins Jupiter direct, helping you honor your limits moving forward.
Check out what your horoscopes have in store for the month of September.
AriesAriesLaci Jordan for xoNecole
September begins with a transcendent Full Moon helping you embrace the chapter that is closing in your life with grace. When Venus enters Leo, you're encouraged to invite more play into your life. What activities and hobbies is your inner child yearning to explore? Your ruling planet, Mars, begins its retrograde on the 9th, inviting you to get a little selfish as you prioritize more time for pursuing what you're passionate about. On the 17th, the New Moon supports you in establishing healthier habits, making this the perfect time to develop mind-body awareness.
The Sun meets up with Mercury on the 22nd, drawing your focus to contracts, clients, and your significant other during the next month. Renegotiating the terms of agreement and discussing potential business moves with your partner are encouraged at this time. Towards the end of the month, Jupiter and Saturn are both direct, helping you move forward in your career endeavors with a more grounded perspective of your limitations. Remember, babe—it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. You might as well enjoy yourself along the way.
TaurusTaurusLaci Jordan for xoNecole
We enter September with a revealing Full Moon gifting you with foresight into your future and the people you need to surround yourself with to bring your vision to reality. Remember—teamwork makes the dream work! When Venus enters Leo, you may be feeling some pressure to relocate or make some adjustments to your current living environment. Be mindful of family being more demanding of your time or even a little dramatic over the next few weeks. During Mars retrograde, you're challenged to develop a little more patience and compassion—not only for others but yourself as well.
Your creative genius is at a peak when Jupiter and Uranus meet up around the 12th, giving you the leading edge when it comes to expanding your business and establishing more wealth. The New Moon is the perfect time to plant the seeds for your next creative project, leading you to an abundant harvest. On the 22nd, the Sun and Mercury bring your focus to creating more balance in your daily routine. Getting the bag is important but so is your health. Towards the end of the month, you're encouraged to renegotiate contracts and establish better boundaries within a close relationship. On the 29th, Saturn joins Jupiter, empowering you to advocate for your growth by trusting your inner guide and committing to your goals.
GeminiGeminiLaci Jordan for xoNecole
September kicks off with a sensitive Full Moon encouraging you to establish better energetic boundaries between yourself and your career as you rise to new heights. When Mercury enters Libra, it's time to balance out your life with some fun. Hit up your girls for a happy hour, go on a date, or do something creative (and completely unproductive). Social media is a powerful money-making tool for you once Venus enters Leo. Your presence is even more dynamic than usual, which could attract some new opportunities your way.
On the 9th, Mars goes retro, giving you a chance to reevaluate any recent tension between you and some folks in your social circle. Don't feel bad for choosing to focus on yourself to avoid the drama.The New Moon is a good time to clean and organize your home. What do you need to get rid of or bring into your sanctuary to put your mind at ease? Towards the end of the month, Mercury shifts gears, bringing your focus to your sexual and reproductive health, making it a perfect time to schedule your annual screening. When Saturn links up with Jupiter direct on the 29th, you're embracing the power of your sexual energy and the ability it has to transform, and heal, your life.
CancerCancerLaci Jordan for xoNecole
September kicks off with a magical Full Moon shining in the spotlight. Release that novel, launch that workshop, or start that mentorship program. You are wise beyond your years and people are eager to receive the wealth of information that you have to share. Family matters may get a little tense when Mercury enters Libra. Don't feel guilty about asserting some boundaries. It's not your job to take care of everyone. When Mars goes retro, you'll be feeling some pressure when it comes to climbing up the ranks in your chosen career. Exerting too much energy may be futile, so try to strategize a way to work smarter, not harder.
When Jupiter enters Capricorn, promising business partnerships and opportunities are on the table. The New Moon on the 17th is a great time to start learning a new skill that can help you establish a more solid financial foundation for your future. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Libra, bringing your focus to beautifying your living environment and harmonizing with the people you live with. This is also a supportive time to browse the market for your next home or to invest in a property to gain some passive income. Love matters get steamy when Mercury moves into Scorpio. Be mindful of overly-suspicious, and borderline obsessive, thoughts about your romantic interest. The month wraps up with Saturn going direct and you potentially taking a relationship to the next level. Do I hear wedding bells in the air?
LeoLeoLaci Jordan for xoNecole
Your intuition and your emotions are a little more sensitive than usual, thanks to the Full Moon at the beginning of the month. Use discernment to gauge whether there's more than meets the eye or if you're just being a little paranoid. When Venus enters your sign on the 6th, you're a magnet for good fortune and a lot of attention, making this a good time to revamp your appearance in some way. During Mars retro, you're invited to connect with the power of your spiritual allies to help you move the proverbial mountains in your life. The New Moon on the 17th is a supportive time for monetizing any talents you've been sleeping on. Your gifts are meant to be used in service for yourself and others.
On the 22nd, Mercury meets up with the Sun, helping you boost your social media presence and your influence over others. Use your power wisely. Be mindful of family tension when Mercury enters Scorpio. Secrets may be revealed that result in you questioning someone's motives. If you're signing a lease or buying a home around this time, pay close attention to the fine print! By the end of the month, Jupiter and Saturn link up to help you get more serious about your health and that bad habit that needs to be kicked to the curb. Remember, babe—it's mind over matter and you've got what it takes to come out on top (and looking good AF when you do).
VirgoVirgoLaci Jordan for xoNecole
Your birthday month begins with a mystical Full Moon inviting you to align with some powerful allies that you can make magic with. Don't be surprised if you've outgrown some connections that no longer seem to fit in your life. Let them go with love and continue on with your glow up. When Mercury enters Libra, you're focused on securing the bag and possibly a contract that can help you achieve your financial goals. Love matters are a little more quiet this month when Venus enters Leo. You could be attracting lots of affection and gifts from some unexpected sources. During Mars retro, you'll be feeling motivated to find healthy outlets for your anger. Opt for busting a nut instead of busting somebody over the head.
It's time to make a wish and blow out the candles on your New Moon. Set an intention for something you'd like to see come to fruition by the Full Moon in Virgo during Pisces season. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Libra, placing a spotlight on those hidden gifts of yours. Don't be shy, boo! It's time to shine and monetize! This is also a favorable time for renegotiating outdated contracts as well. When Mercury enters Scorpio, you may find that everyone wants to tell you their secrets. Uphold your integrity and keep your lips sealed. There could even be a project that you're working on behind the scenes as you await the perfect opportunity to reveal it to the world. By the end of the month, Jupiter and Saturn are meeting up to help you take a more practical approach to your creative endeavors that will assure your success and establish your legacy for many years to come.
LibraLibraLaci Jordan for xoNecole
If you've been having a hard time breaking that stubborn habit, the Full Moon on the 2nd helps you experience the clarity and breakthrough needed to make a shift in your lifestyle. When Mercury enters your sign, you're encouraged to find a more balanced approach to managing that busy schedule of yours. Reach out to someone in your social circle that has the expertise you need so you can delegate that heavy load of responsibilities. Enhancing your online presence is also supported while Venus is in Leo. During Mars retro, you're invited to check in with yourself and your ever-changing needs. Are your relationships still serving you in a way that is mutually beneficial?
The New Moon on the 17th encourages you to reflect and rest. What mental baggage do you need to drop so you can start living your life with less judgement? Your birthday season officially begins on the 22nd, motivating you to assert yourself and your needs in a way that assures your ultimate fulfillment. Towards the end of the month, Jupiter and Saturn are linking up, making this a supportive time to move forward with those home renovations, a relocation, or property investments that can help you establish wealth for you and the generations to come.
ScorpioScorpioLaci Jordan for xoNecole
Romance takes front and center stage at the beginning of the month. This Full Moon has you inspired to express your love through a song, a poem, or even some weird interpretative dance routine that your lover can't resist. This energy is super fertile for you, so if you're ready for a baby, now's the time to shoot your shot. When Mercury enters Libra, you'll be balancing out the scales of karma which could result in some endings. Trust that whatever, or whoever, is exiting your life is meant to do so at this time. When Venus enters Leo, you're feeling the pressure to make some changes in your career. Be mindful of butting heads with an authority figure as this may be the very thing that blocks your blessings.
During Mars retrograde, you may find yourself having difficulty expressing your anger. Don't internalize but don't project either. Exercise and meditation will be your best friends during this transit. On the 17th, the New Moon encourages you to expand your social network and strategize new ways to enhance your presence online. When the Sun enters Libra, it's time to prioritize rest in preparation for your birthday season. You're invited to stay low and build when Mercury moves into your sign on the 27th. The month wraps up with Jupiter and Saturn challenging you to be more communicative about your personal boundaries instead of assuming people are just as psychic as you are.
SagittariusSagittariusLaci Jordan for xoNecole
The Full Moon at the beginning of the month has you focused on home and family. Be mindful of brewing tension with your kinfolk or roommates. Sometimes it's best to take the high road instead of trying to get your point across to someone that's not open to hearing you out. When Venus enters Leo, opportunities to travel abroad and make some extra cash can present themselves to you. On the 9th, Mars goes retro, inviting you to validate your inner child and some of the frustrations you're feeling. Maybe you've been working a little too hard and need some time to play.
The New Moon could find you receiving a promotion or rising up within the ranks of your chosen career. A good leader doesn't just boss folks around. They're also willing to be of service to others. Embrace this approach to assure your success. On the 22nd, Mercury and the Sun meet up, making this a good time to connect with friends and share your goals with people that can help you achieve your dreams. By the end of the month, Jupiter and Saturn are helping you achieve financial gain through a healthy balance of curiosity and discipline.
CapricornCapricornLaci Jordan for xoNecole
The month kicks off with a healing Full Moon helping you resolve some communication barriers between you and others. When you allow yourself to be more vulnerable, you can experience more meaningful interactions with others. When Venus enters Leo, you're feeling more courageous when it comes to nurturing more emotionally intimate connections. It's time to put the tough bravado aside to receive the support you pretend you don't want. During Mars retro, you'll need to learn healthier ways to express any frustrations you have with family members or roommates. If your living circumstances are undesirable, take accountability for what you need to do to change things.
The New Moon on the 17th supports your interest in expanding your knowledge, making this a good time to apply to school or enroll in that workshop that can take your skills to the next level. On the 22nd, Mercury and the Sun link up bringing your focus to career. You could be experiencing a major achievement that deserves some celebration. Gon' head and pop that fancy bottle of wine open in honor of the moves you're making. When Mercury enters Scorpio, a friend may come to you bearing a secret. Honor the code and keep your mouth shut to avoid any drama later down the line. The month wraps up with Jupiter and Saturn meeting up in your sign, helping you recognize just how far you've come and also how much further you need to go. Remember—it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. You might as well enjoy the ride.
AquariusAquariusLaci Jordan for xoNecole
September kicks off with a magical Full Moon that could have you in the spotlight sharing your gifts with the world (and making some extra coin, too). When Mercury enters Libra, you're making plans for that next stamp on your passport to shake the COVID cabin fever. Your relationships are your greatest teachers this month when Venus enters Leo. Don't be afraid to ask for more or seek your sustenance through new connections that generously provide you with the support that you desire. On the 9th, Mars goes retrograde and you may find it difficult to express your anger in a productive way. Getting to the root of your rage will help you avoid projecting onto others.
The New Moon invites you to explore the voice of your inner critic. You may be surprised to find out that the source isn't even you. Schedule a session with your therapist to help you discover who the culprit is if you don't already know. When the Sun enters Libra, you could find yourself going back to school or in the position of a teacher to others. Brush up on your expertise so you feel more confident in your presentation. Use more discretion when Mercury enters Scorpio on the 27th. Everyone ain't gotta know your business when it comes to the career moves you're making. The month wraps up with Jupiter and Saturn, helping you establish a better relationship between rest and work. Rome wasn't built overnight, babe. It's OK to take your time.
PiscesPiscesLaci Jordan for xoNecole
The spotlight is on you with the Full Moon in your sign on the 2nd. Don't be shy, babe. It's time to share your magic with the world. When Venus enters Leo, you're focused on loving that beautiful physical vessel of yours. Pamper yourself with a lavish self-care routine, get back into working out, and feed your body with the sustenance you need to thrive. On the 9th, Mars goes retro encouraging you to reel in the impulsive spending so you can achieve some of those financial goals you have, whether that's paying off debt or saving money for a major purchase later this year.
The New Moon on the 17th invites you to set the intention for your ideal business partnership or client relationship. It's also a good time to consider what traits you desire in a committed romantic connection. Does your current love interest have what it takes to go the long haul with you? On the 22nd, Mercury meets up with the Sun, helping you get clear about the emotional baggage you need to release to come into more balance. It's time to let go of the outdated narrative where you give so much of yourself to the detriment of your own well-being. When Mercury shifts into Scorpio, you could find yourself teaching others about spiritual topics you're well-versed in. This is also a good time to take a secluded getaway by yourself or with someone you want to become more intimate with. The month comes to a close with Jupiter and Saturn, helping you get clear about your boundaries with people in your social circle. A much-needed reality check will help you determine who you should (or shouldn't) be investing your energy into.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up. We drop xoNecole events and special opportunities into our Tribe first.
Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
As I move through life and experience different highs and lows, one thing that has become increasingly clear is the importance of self-love and self-worth. Now, I’m not saying it’s always easy, but I do feel like if it’s in a good place, people experience life more fully. And when it comes to love, my friend Amanda Wicks and her husband, Will Ford, are the perfect example.
Amanda may not remember this, but years ago, on one of her many visits back to Atlanta (we both went to Clark Atlanta University), she sat across from me at a dinner table and declared she was done looking for love. She was happy with who she was, and while she still desired it, it was no longer something she was chasing. “If it happens, it happens,” she said. The statement was so bold it made me quickly reroute our usual dating story catch-ups and awkwardly move to a different topic.
Well, the next time we met up, she told me she had met someone and was moving to Houston to live with him. Imagine my surprise and concern. Later, I’d find out that this decision, like so many other elements of their relationship, flowed naturally and organically. Their whole partnership has been full of peace and vulnerability.
Fast forward to today’s conversation, they’re still living together, celebrating four years of marriage, and planning to create a family. And while this stage of their story sounds generally normal, the way they got there is nothing but. Check out the "How We Met" feature below to see how a couple who never spoke on the phone and lived in different states ended up in a loving marriage full of ease, art, and authenticity.
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
Walk me through your ‘How We Met’ story.
Amanda: We met on Instagram (laughs). He followed me first, and I followed back because he does art, and I was intrigued by that. Honestly, we followed each other for a while before we connected. But I remember one day I saw a post where he had on a Martin t-shirt that I liked, and that sparked our conversation. He ended up telling me he made the shirt and actually mailed me one. So when I got it, I made a post wearing it, and that’s where the conversation started. Since that day we’ve communicated every day since.
Will: Yeah, I initially saw her on a short-hair Instagram page and followed her because I thought she was attractive. I actually showed her to my co-workers on one of our monthly outings as an example of my “type” – something I had never done. But one thing I will say is, I noticed she had on a Nina Simone shirt in one of her photos, that’s what got me. It showed she had more depth.
I guess that answers my next question. Did you have an initial attraction to each other?
Will: (Laughs) Yeah, I did.
Amanda: For me, no. I just wasn’t looking at him through that lens. I didn’t follow him because he was attractive. I don’t follow people online because of that. I actually remember a time when we were going back and forth, and I was like, “Aye, you kinda cute.” It was a specific moment. Once I started looking through his page more often, I started to view him that way, but it still was more of an acknowledgment. We really connected primarily because of our creative interests.
So, how did it go to the next level?
Amanda: I was in Nashville, and he was in Houston. But I’m somebody where if I feel like doing something, I’m going to do it. I had been meaning to go to Houston for a while to see a friend, so I felt like it was the perfect combination of a circumstance. We had been talking a lot, and I knew I liked him as a person and really wanted to meet him, but of course, I was aware of the idea that it could blossom into more. I remember I sent him a text saying, “Would you think I was crazy if I pulled up to Houston?”
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
What was your reply? Did you think she was crazy?
Will: In my mind, I was like, I don’t know. (Laughs) I wanted her to, though, so I wasn’t going to say yeah. It was a little wild, but I encouraged it.
Okay, so tell me about the date.
Amanda: I don’t know if you’d call it our first “date,” but the first time we met, we went to a skating rink. I was a little nervous about meeting him in person. Like, what if we don’t have chemistry – that was in the back of my head a little. But I brought my friend with me as a buffer, and thank God I did because he was so quiet the whole night. I literally can’t think of one thing he said the entire time. But the saving grace was that we had built a rapport. We reconnected the following night and were together until 5 a.m. – just sitting there talking. We ended up spending the whole weekend together.
Will: I’m socially awkward if I don’t know you. Also, before the date, I didn’t know what she sounded like or anything because, that’s another thing, we hadn’t talked on the phone. (They both really don’t like phone calls, so everything was through texts at this point.) I guess I could say I was kinda nervous, too. I had never met someone through social media, and then here I was, meeting her in person at a skating rink. I hadn’t skated in years, I was hoping I didn’t fall. But we had just been talking so much that I was open to it.
What made you want to take that risk?
Will: She has a level of authenticity that I’ve never seen in any other woman before, and once I saw her, it solidified that. I knew I wanted her around.
Amanda: I don’t think it was anything specific. It’s not hard for me to connect with people. But there were no red flags. We align across the board. That was different. We really connect on how we see the world.
"She has a level of authenticity that I’ve never seen in any other woman before, and once I saw her, it solidified that. I knew I wanted her around."
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
Out of curiosity, what are your love languages?
Amanda: I connect with all of them. I think it just depends on what I’ve been lacking. I appreciate words of affirmation because I’m so big on actions that I like those bold statements of love, and of course, I appreciate quality time. The older I get, the more I appreciate physical touch, but that’s not something I need. With receiving gifts, I like thoughtfulness, and I like giving thoughtful gifts, too. But acts of service is for sure my biggest one. I love when someone considers me and makes my life easier. That speaks to me most.
"I love when someone considers me and makes my life easier. That speaks to me most."
Will: I think it all depends on how I’m feeling, too. But probably also acts of service. I like how Amanda will buy me deodorant when I run out (laughs). She just does so much all the time to show that I’m thought of.
At what point in your connection did y’all have the “what are we” conversation?
Will: I don’t think we ever had that convo. We never defined anything, we just kinda went with how it was going. However, I knew I wanted it to be more serious when I went to visit her. She had been coming to Houston once a month, and I went to Florida (she was there for work) to see her. I realized I felt comfortable coming into her space, too. That gave me that last little bit of whatever I needed.
Amanda: Yeah, I can’t say I had a defined moment like that. But again, as we had more and more interactions, there were just no red flags. The more we thought about it, the more we realized no matter where we went relationship-wise, we were adamant about being a part of each other’s lives. We never had the “talking to other people” conversation or anything. But we did both understand we weren’t going anywhere. Eventually, it graduated to convos around building a life together, but even that was over six months in. I just liked him as a person.
Have there been any negative revelations that your partnership and marriage have taught you about yourself?
Amanda: I’ve always felt that partnership is supposed to make the other person’s life easier. For me, it was a struggle to let someone help me in all the ways I didn’t really know I needed help. As I started having less capacity, I had to realize that it doesn't work anymore. It was hard for me to acknowledge and ask for help. I think that’s something I am still coming to terms with, even with other relationships in my life.
Will: I think I’m learning and still learning how to get out of my head. I’m the kind of person who always has to visualize stuff before it happens. And this relationship is the first thing that I don’t do that with. Of course, we plan stuff, but I know it’s gonna be good regardless. It allows me to stay in the moment. If I can do that with this, which is the most important thing to me, why can’t I do that with other things?
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
What challenges have you faced together?
Will: For me, the preconceived challenge was living together. I’ve never lived with a woman before. Even in my previous relationship, it was long-distance. I’m also the type of person that likes my space, but as soon as she got here, that was out the window. It was so smooth it made me feel stupid for questioning it.
Amanda: I’m grateful to say we don’t necessarily have challenges between each other together. But we have been struggling with infertility and health issues. Our biggest challenge thus far is trying to get pregnant. Even articulating that makes me realize I’m grateful it hasn’t caused a rift between us. I think we have been able to face it in a healthy way. But that’s an example of how having someone else there can be helpful. I was so functional as a full-blown individual doing everything by myself.
So, in my head, I don’t need anyone, but having someone there who is happy to support me has taught me it’s okay to welcome that. It’s made us stronger because it’s taught us how we both function under duress – it’s good to know it’s not terrible (laughs).
"Our biggest challenge thus far is trying to get pregnant. Even articulating that makes me realize I’m grateful it hasn’t caused a rift between us. I think we have been able to face it in a healthy way."
What are some of the shared values that are important to your relationship?
Will: How we see life, what we’re here for, and how you’re supposed to treat people. It sounds really simple, but it’s not as common as you think.
Amanda: We value being really good people – without strings. We both don’t value money, but we value stability. So we don’t have to endure the “why are you not hustling” arguments. We were both stable people individually, and we came together. Also, we both value meaningful connections, alone time, reflection, and family. That guides us in what we do and how we build a life.
Finally, what is your favorite thing about each other?
Amanda: I’ll say one of my favorite things about him is that he’s brilliant. I view myself as a smart person, but in my head, he can do what I’m doing ten times faster. There are times I want to push myself to do stuff, and I’ll just ask him because I know he can do it. It’s incredible.
Will: My favorite thing about her is how people see her. Being a witness to how important she is to other people’s lives is amazing. Standing to the side and seeing how she affects them is really special.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy of Amanda Hicks and Will Ford
I’m not a fan of casual sex. One reason is because I used to participate in it with several guy friends, and it can come with challenges and complications that you can seriously underestimate…until it’s too late. Another reason is that I know what casual means, and I have no desire, these days, to participate in random, apathetic, and careless activities.
And still, another reason is that it can sometimes make you very sexually self-consumed in a way that can make you a very impatient person when it comes time to bring true and authentic intimacy into a sexual dynamic — because let’s be honest: casual sex is way different than sex that you experience with someone who you’re in something serious with (or at least it should be).
When you’re sharing all of yourself with another person, you’ve got to be willing to not just “grade them on their performance;” you should be willing to allow them to learn you…as you commit to doing the same.
And that’s why I decided to ask 15 different women to share with me, what they did, as they transitioned from casual to something deeper, and figured out along the way that there was some “sex-related tweaking” that needed to be done. As they strived to keep their relationship flourishing, here’s how they helped their partners to thrive in the bedroom department.
1. Angelia. 43. Married for 12 Years.
“Now that I’ve got some time under my belt, it’s important for women to know the difference between your man not being good in bed and you comparing him to people from your past — most women confuse the two. For the first couple of years, I didn’t realize that was my issue: I was comparing. It wasn’t intentional, but it was happening. I realized that it wasn’t that my man didn’t know how to please me so much as his approach was different from what I was used to with other guys. That part, was my stuff to deal with.
"Once I purged it, I was able to be clear with my husband about what my likes and dislikes are and then give him the space and respect to allow him to ‘customize’ his approach. Bottom line, great sex is about consistent communication. Be honest, with yourself and your partner. The more open you are, the better the sex will be — or become.”
2. Dinah. 32. Dating.
“A big problem that I used to have was thinking that if a man was good in bed, it meant that he could figure out what I needed without me having to say much of anything at all. That’s until I was talking about it with some of my girlfriends, and one of them said, ‘Girl, we’re not “one size fits all.” Every time a man gets with someone else, he has to learn something new. You’ve got to speak up. Closed mouths don’t get fed.’ I took what she said to heart and learned to speak up when there’s something I don’t like or something that I really like.
"For a while, I was uncomfortable because I’m kind of shy. But guys seem to like knowing what we want in bed — what I’m saying is, they like to hear it. So long as you’re not barking orders, they feel like it’s a form of dirty talk. Now that I know that, I’m very vocal; especially during foreplay.”
3. Wrenna. 28. Engaged for 11 Months.
“My man is not the size that I’m typically used to. When we first started dating, I thought it was going to be a deal-breaker. Then I realized that you can be sexually pleased by a man who isn’t packin’. It’s all about learning about which positions work best based on his size. That’s what we’ve learned to master. Even if you put a pillow underneath you, he can ‘hit those spots’ when you’re in the missionary position that a pillow wasn’t needed for with bigger men. Being endowed doesn’t make a man good in bed anyway; working with you to get things where you need them to be does. My man rises to that occasion, in every way, every time.”
Shellie here: She’s right on the size thing. Check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go” if you’re looking for even more confirmation.
4. Emily. 30. Married for Six Years.
“If your man isn’t the greatest at foreplay, do what I did and turn everything into a guessing game: guess where I like to be kissed, guess what my favorite spot is, guess what activity turns me on the most — then don’t tell me, show me. And if you’re right, I’ll reward you with a sex-related surprise. If you’re wrong, I get extra time ‘on the clock’ in those same spots. Men don’t have a problem with what they don’t know; men don’t want to feel emasculated or humiliated for not knowing it.”
5. Gemma. 25. In a Relationship for a Year.
“To each their own, but I don’t like guys who bring porn into the bedroom. Even if they learn how to talk from it, I’m annoyed because it’s not about seducing me; it’s about how nasty their words can get. I hate phrases like ‘good girl’ — it creeps me out. My boyfriend used to talk that way until I shared with him that I prefer questions instead of statements in bed: ‘How can I please you tonight?’ or ‘Baby, how does this feel?’. It took some getting used to [for him] at first. Now he likes it a lot because the questions get me there, and my answers get him there.”
6. Paula. 38. Engaged for Four Months.
“My man is GREAT in bed. I couldn’t ask for more. Our problem is that he couldn’t always ‘read the room’ when it comes to when I’m in the mood or not. He’s a morning guy and I prefer sex at night; not late at night either…sometime between 7-9. He used to think that because he can always ‘get me there’ that whenever he was down, I would be. Or he would come to bed after my window and then be frustrated when I didn’t want to wake up at five.
"Basically, we had to get our bodies on a bit of a sex schedule. We try to average having sex no less than twice a week, and yes, we both need to compromise. BUT if he wants to get me at my best, that 7-9 window is when it’s gonna happen. Once I figured that out, we’ve been pretty smooth sailing. We bust headboards, then. He gets a quickie or some amazing head otherwise. I think we’re both good with that.”
7. Tanisha. 41. Engaged for 18 Months.
“TELL MEN WHERE YOUR SPOTS ARE. Because even the most attentive man, someone who knows to not only focus on our breasts and vagina, is not always going to know what your specific zones are. Something that I discovered about myself is, as I got older, my spots changed. I used to love to have my breasts sucked — until I had kids. I used to hate having my feet touched — until a few years ago. It’s not fair to expect a man to automatically know what you’re still figuring it out. If you’ve got a good lover, he aims to please. Let him know how to ‘warm you up’ — and if those places switch up, who cares? We evolve sexually, just like we do everywhere else.”
8. Fredricka. 25. In an Exclusive Sex Situation.
“I stayed single until I could find a man who could eat the box properly. Why do these guys think that just being down there is doing something? The man I’m with now? When I saw that it had some real potential, I flat-out asked him if he was okay with me showing him how I liked to get head. He told me that so long as we could be each other’s instructors, he was down for anything. He had to humble himself, and so did I. Do people even talk about how much humility and sexual satisfaction go hand in hand? Yeah, interview me when you’re ready to break that down to everyone.”
9. Orpah. 34. In a Relationship for Three Years.
“My problem used to be, not that my boyfriend was a ‘minute man’; it was actually that he could go a really long time the first round and then be tapped out for the second one. So, what we had to do was find ways to shorten the first time, so that he’d have enough energy for 2-3 more. I think guys don’t realize that even if they can last a while, it can still take us the first round to warm up a bit. So, now what we’ll sometimes do is foreplay, sex for a few minutes, he goes down on me, and then we’ll have more sex. The goal is to keep him excited without him actually cumming. It works like a charm.”
10. Marina. 29. Engaged for Two Months.
“Did y’all see that nasty ass post of Kevin Gates spitting into that girl’s mouth on stage? I literally almost threw up. My man used to think that spit was a thing. I mean, it was for some of his other sex partners, so he assumed that I would like it, too. I. DO. NOT. What we had to do was have some hard discussions about what he was ‘programmed’ to think was sexy vs. what actually is sexually appealing — at least for me. It took some ego finessing because men tend to be like, ‘I’ve never had complaints before…’ and you have to find a way to convey that it doesn’t matter if you’re not happy. There can be a fine line there. Speak to him the way you would want him to speak to you.”
Shellie here: If you didn’t see what she’s talking about, just to be thorough, it’s here. Enter at your own risk, though. I could barely stomach watching it once, my damn self. UGH.
11. Lee. 30. Dating.
“I consider myself to be a tour guide. I have no problem moving a man’s hands to where I want them to be, using my mouth to explain to him where I want his mouth to go, or putting my own body in a position to get what I need from him. Too many women are afraid to hurt a man’s feelings in bed by showing some aggression. Hmph, let me tell you something: if there’s one place where a man loves that sh-t, it’s in the bedroom. I will forever die on that hill.”
12. Revelynn. 41. In a Serious Relationship for a Year.
“Want to know if a man has been used to making love or not? Pay attention to how often he looks into your eyes. If he avoids them, he’s been having sex but not really connecting with you. And while I like doggy style as much as the next gal, we spent some time in missionary, cowgirl — any sex position where he had to look me in the eyes. When men look at you, it makes them more vulnerable, and that makes the sex more intense…and that ends up making them better lovers. I am a witness.”
13. Karollynn. 32. Married for Five Years.
“With my husband, the sex itself has never been the issue. I was always fulfilled in that department. Our challenge was the ambiance. Girl, a man can have sex in a mechanic’s garage or a club bathroom, if you’re down. What I had to get my man to learn was, if you want to really get me in the mood — fold those clothes that are on the bed, light some scented candles, have some of my favorite food delivered if you don’t feel like cooking either.
"The reason why we as women show up as a different woman in hotel rooms is because we can relax there. At home, there is always something that needs to be done, so men need to learn how to make it feel less like a ‘home office’ and more like a place of escape. That’s the cheat code.”
14. Oren. 50. Married for 28 Years.
“I always feel badly for younger women who think that good sex means hopping from partner to partner; it’s like they assume that being the same person is toiling work. For me, it’s not. The more time I’ve been with my husband, the better the sex has become because our marriage has given us all the time in the world to learn each other — and sometimes relearn each other. My advice would be to not be in a rush to ‘be great in bed.’ Care about ‘becoming one’ with your partner. If you do that, the sexual satisfaction will come.”
15. Laylah. 46. “Rebounding” Her Divorce.
“Wanna hear something crazy? My husband and I divorced because I was so sexually unhappy — years of it. I loved him, but I’m sorry, I didn’t sign up for years of being ‘bedroom miserable’, and he seemed to be committed to not hearing me, so I ended things. It might sound superficial but when your partner isn’t meeting your needs in one department, it spills over…trust me. We spent a year apart and then started speaking and casually dating again. During that time, we talked about sex a lot.
"Then we took some sex classes together. We went to sex shops. We had sexcations. He started to act like a student of sex, and that changed everything. Because there is love and history between us, now that the sex is on track, we’re in the process of reconciling. I finally have everything I need. Ladies, get everything you need.”
You know, there is an author by the name of Abhijit Naskar who once said, “Without attachment, a naked body is merely a lifeless sex toy.” When it comes to what all of these women just shared, there is clearly some truth to that because what they all said, in their own way, is truly connecting with your partner is the key to the best kind of sex possible.
So, if your man is already a top-tier lover — mazel tov!
If not, purpose in your mind to solidify a stronger attachment with him by being honest, present, and real. Then watch what happens when you do — as your lover and…well beyond.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Blue Images/Getty Images