Relationship Goals Or Financial Goals? That Is The Question
Sliding into his DMs as if it was home plate came with an adrenaline rush.
After giving myself a ten-minute pep talk, I wrote one line, proofread it to make sure autocorrect wouldn't embarrass me, and clicked "Send."
I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. What's the worst that could happen? He could either respond or he could simply ignore it. Either way, I was proud of myself for trying. I knew of no other way to get his attention. I'd deleted his number years prior for no real reason other than we didn't talk much and we never seemed to be at the same place at the same time anymore to bump into one another. Aware that I didn't want to play the "What If" game any longer, I took a chance. Not too long after, I saw the red icon at the bottom of my screen.
There was a message waiting to be read, hopefully from him.
My dating hiatus has taken on a life of its own. Trust me, I didn't expect it, nor wanted it to last this long (nearly 5 years), but for some reason singleness does not want to breakup with me. It has fully committed and has a hold on me. I haven't gone on a date in nearly five years and I didn't know where to start. Because I wanted to date intentionally, I thought to seek wise counsel from people that were married.
Related: I Swore Of Dating In My Twenties & Survived
Being single has had its perks. It permitted me the time to work two jobs to pay off all of my debt. It afforded me the opportunity to make investments and put money away towards my retirement plan. Yes, I think that far ahead. I was also able to work on myself and gain a stronger relationship with God.
My 70-hour work week occupies most of my time. Yet, I don't complain when I see a check deposited into my account every week. When seeking wise counsel, I was hit with an ultimatum that I didn't see coming. "It seems like you're doing well with keeping occupied, but you don't have any room for a relationship. You'll need to drastically change your work schedule to even commit to someone. Otherwise, it wouldn't be fair to them."
The ultimatum that danced in my head immediately was, "Are you willing to scale back on your financial goals for the sake of achieving your desired relationship goals?"
Sitting back in my chair, I knew that it was true. To gain something, you had to give up something. Sometimes there isn't room for it all at the same exact time.
Was I willing to give up a guaranteed check for a dating experience that wasn't guaranteed to work in the future?
Truth is, I was tired of putting in effort and not getting back favorable results as I had done in my past. In my head, I began to do the math:
1. Date Outfit = $50
2. Gas Money for the date = $5
3. Paying my half for a quick lunch date = $15
And before I knew it, I was spending $70 on a fictious date I didn't even have. All I could think about was the money I'd be missing out on if I went and things didn't work out as I hoped or planned. What was getting the best of me? Fear. Fear was attacking me from both angles. Fear told me that I was no longer in my 20s and if I wanted to have a relationship, I needed to do it sometime soon. On the flip side, fear was telling me that if I was going to remain single for a lifetime, I was spending money and time that needed to go towards my single retirement plan.
I didn't want to have to sacrifice one for the other.
Both were important to me, but at this stage, one was more important than the other. For me, my financial stability was more important than diving back into the dating world headfirst. It didn't mean that dating was off the table, but I wasn't ready to fully invest until I saw something worth investing my extra time.
My dating hiatus showed me that I needed to approach dating differently. It couldn't be the only thing that I focused on. It wasn't healthy to obsess over it. Because I don't desire to have children, I'm not worried about my biological clock ticking. However, I would like to be in an exclusive and committed relationship with the right man. In addition, financial security with or without a partner is important to me as well.
That being said, I decided that I would devote a 90/10 rule to my work and love life.
While 90% of my time was devoted to work and church, I'd be willing to devote the other 10% to dating if an opportunity presented itself. I decided to be open to date suggestions from friends and if I had a chance encounter with an old acquaintance or someone new came about, I'd give it a chance. The catch is that I would fit it into my schedule. That means it may involve a short meeting at a local coffee shop or at a local farmer's market to just walk and talk for an hour.
Until there was evidence that showed that a dating opportunity could be worth more than an hour or two out of my already busy week, working two jobs would remain my priority.
To me, it's fair. I don't rob myself of the possibility of ever falling in love and I don't rob my financial stability for the sake of random dates that eat away at my bank account. No, we're not getting any younger and having a healthy balance is key. But we can't obsess over our love lives. It leaves room for desperation and, if we're not careful, we'll expose and uncover ourselves to the wrong people.
It could do more harm than good.
On the other hand, we can't be naïve to think that right guy will always be around the corner waiting for use when we have everything fall into line in life as we hope. It's far from the truth. I don't believe that the timing of relationships are always convenient.
I believe you can have both your relationship goals and financial goals at the same time, however, the amount of time you are willing to invest in each will differ depending on the season you're in in life.
Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:
Nicki Minaj: "Becoming Single Made Me Feel Strong & Powerful"
Your Self Worth Determines Your Net Worth
5 Crucial Financial Questions You Should Be Asking Your Partner Before Marriage
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CB Nicole is a millennial whose passion to live a God-led life has inspired her to use her life lessons and messes to inspire others. Each unpredictable day makes for a new unpredictable journey that she's ready to conquer.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
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