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Relationship Goals Or Financial Goals? That Is The Question
Sliding into his DMs as if it was home plate came with an adrenaline rush.
After giving myself a ten-minute pep talk, I wrote one line, proofread it to make sure autocorrect wouldn't embarrass me, and clicked "Send."
I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. What's the worst that could happen? He could either respond or he could simply ignore it. Either way, I was proud of myself for trying. I knew of no other way to get his attention. I'd deleted his number years prior for no real reason other than we didn't talk much and we never seemed to be at the same place at the same time anymore to bump into one another. Aware that I didn't want to play the "What If" game any longer, I took a chance. Not too long after, I saw the red icon at the bottom of my screen.
There was a message waiting to be read, hopefully from him.
My dating hiatus has taken on a life of its own. Trust me, I didn't expect it, nor wanted it to last this long (nearly 5 years), but for some reason singleness does not want to breakup with me. It has fully committed and has a hold on me. I haven't gone on a date in nearly five years and I didn't know where to start. Because I wanted to date intentionally, I thought to seek wise counsel from people that were married.
Related: I Swore Of Dating In My Twenties & Survived
Being single has had its perks. It permitted me the time to work two jobs to pay off all of my debt. It afforded me the opportunity to make investments and put money away towards my retirement plan. Yes, I think that far ahead. I was also able to work on myself and gain a stronger relationship with God.
My 70-hour work week occupies most of my time. Yet, I don't complain when I see a check deposited into my account every week. When seeking wise counsel, I was hit with an ultimatum that I didn't see coming. "It seems like you're doing well with keeping occupied, but you don't have any room for a relationship. You'll need to drastically change your work schedule to even commit to someone. Otherwise, it wouldn't be fair to them."
The ultimatum that danced in my head immediately was, "Are you willing to scale back on your financial goals for the sake of achieving your desired relationship goals?"
Sitting back in my chair, I knew that it was true. To gain something, you had to give up something. Sometimes there isn't room for it all at the same exact time.
Was I willing to give up a guaranteed check for a dating experience that wasn't guaranteed to work in the future?
Truth is, I was tired of putting in effort and not getting back favorable results as I had done in my past. In my head, I began to do the math:
1. Date Outfit = $50
2. Gas Money for the date = $5
3. Paying my half for a quick lunch date = $15
And before I knew it, I was spending $70 on a fictious date I didn't even have. All I could think about was the money I'd be missing out on if I went and things didn't work out as I hoped or planned. What was getting the best of me? Fear. Fear was attacking me from both angles. Fear told me that I was no longer in my 20s and if I wanted to have a relationship, I needed to do it sometime soon. On the flip side, fear was telling me that if I was going to remain single for a lifetime, I was spending money and time that needed to go towards my single retirement plan.
I didn't want to have to sacrifice one for the other.
Both were important to me, but at this stage, one was more important than the other. For me, my financial stability was more important than diving back into the dating world headfirst. It didn't mean that dating was off the table, but I wasn't ready to fully invest until I saw something worth investing my extra time.
My dating hiatus showed me that I needed to approach dating differently. It couldn't be the only thing that I focused on. It wasn't healthy to obsess over it. Because I don't desire to have children, I'm not worried about my biological clock ticking. However, I would like to be in an exclusive and committed relationship with the right man. In addition, financial security with or without a partner is important to me as well.
That being said, I decided that I would devote a 90/10 rule to my work and love life.
While 90% of my time was devoted to work and church, I'd be willing to devote the other 10% to dating if an opportunity presented itself. I decided to be open to date suggestions from friends and if I had a chance encounter with an old acquaintance or someone new came about, I'd give it a chance. The catch is that I would fit it into my schedule. That means it may involve a short meeting at a local coffee shop or at a local farmer's market to just walk and talk for an hour.
Until there was evidence that showed that a dating opportunity could be worth more than an hour or two out of my already busy week, working two jobs would remain my priority.
To me, it's fair. I don't rob myself of the possibility of ever falling in love and I don't rob my financial stability for the sake of random dates that eat away at my bank account. No, we're not getting any younger and having a healthy balance is key. But we can't obsess over our love lives. It leaves room for desperation and, if we're not careful, we'll expose and uncover ourselves to the wrong people.
It could do more harm than good.
On the other hand, we can't be naïve to think that right guy will always be around the corner waiting for use when we have everything fall into line in life as we hope. It's far from the truth. I don't believe that the timing of relationships are always convenient.
I believe you can have both your relationship goals and financial goals at the same time, however, the amount of time you are willing to invest in each will differ depending on the season you're in in life.
Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:
Nicki Minaj: "Becoming Single Made Me Feel Strong & Powerful"
Your Self Worth Determines Your Net Worth
5 Crucial Financial Questions You Should Be Asking Your Partner Before Marriage
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CB Nicole is a millennial whose passion to live a God-led life has inspired her to use her life lessons and messes to inspire others. Each unpredictable day makes for a new unpredictable journey that she's ready to conquer.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."