

Relationship Goals Or Financial Goals? That Is The Question
Sliding into his DMs as if it was home plate came with an adrenaline rush.
After giving myself a ten-minute pep talk, I wrote one line, proofread it to make sure autocorrect wouldn't embarrass me, and clicked "Send."
I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. What's the worst that could happen? He could either respond or he could simply ignore it. Either way, I was proud of myself for trying. I knew of no other way to get his attention. I'd deleted his number years prior for no real reason other than we didn't talk much and we never seemed to be at the same place at the same time anymore to bump into one another. Aware that I didn't want to play the "What If" game any longer, I took a chance. Not too long after, I saw the red icon at the bottom of my screen.
There was a message waiting to be read, hopefully from him.
My dating hiatus has taken on a life of its own. Trust me, I didn't expect it, nor wanted it to last this long (nearly 5 years), but for some reason singleness does not want to breakup with me. It has fully committed and has a hold on me. I haven't gone on a date in nearly five years and I didn't know where to start. Because I wanted to date intentionally, I thought to seek wise counsel from people that were married.
Related: I Swore Of Dating In My Twenties & Survived
Being single has had its perks. It permitted me the time to work two jobs to pay off all of my debt. It afforded me the opportunity to make investments and put money away towards my retirement plan. Yes, I think that far ahead. I was also able to work on myself and gain a stronger relationship with God.
My 70-hour work week occupies most of my time. Yet, I don't complain when I see a check deposited into my account every week. When seeking wise counsel, I was hit with an ultimatum that I didn't see coming. "It seems like you're doing well with keeping occupied, but you don't have any room for a relationship. You'll need to drastically change your work schedule to even commit to someone. Otherwise, it wouldn't be fair to them."
The ultimatum that danced in my head immediately was, "Are you willing to scale back on your financial goals for the sake of achieving your desired relationship goals?"
Sitting back in my chair, I knew that it was true. To gain something, you had to give up something. Sometimes there isn't room for it all at the same exact time.
Was I willing to give up a guaranteed check for a dating experience that wasn't guaranteed to work in the future?
Truth is, I was tired of putting in effort and not getting back favorable results as I had done in my past. In my head, I began to do the math:
1. Date Outfit = $50
2. Gas Money for the date = $5
3. Paying my half for a quick lunch date = $15
And before I knew it, I was spending $70 on a fictious date I didn't even have. All I could think about was the money I'd be missing out on if I went and things didn't work out as I hoped or planned. What was getting the best of me? Fear. Fear was attacking me from both angles. Fear told me that I was no longer in my 20s and if I wanted to have a relationship, I needed to do it sometime soon. On the flip side, fear was telling me that if I was going to remain single for a lifetime, I was spending money and time that needed to go towards my single retirement plan.
I didn't want to have to sacrifice one for the other.
Both were important to me, but at this stage, one was more important than the other. For me, my financial stability was more important than diving back into the dating world headfirst. It didn't mean that dating was off the table, but I wasn't ready to fully invest until I saw something worth investing my extra time.
My dating hiatus showed me that I needed to approach dating differently. It couldn't be the only thing that I focused on. It wasn't healthy to obsess over it. Because I don't desire to have children, I'm not worried about my biological clock ticking. However, I would like to be in an exclusive and committed relationship with the right man. In addition, financial security with or without a partner is important to me as well.
That being said, I decided that I would devote a 90/10 rule to my work and love life.
While 90% of my time was devoted to work and church, I'd be willing to devote the other 10% to dating if an opportunity presented itself. I decided to be open to date suggestions from friends and if I had a chance encounter with an old acquaintance or someone new came about, I'd give it a chance. The catch is that I would fit it into my schedule. That means it may involve a short meeting at a local coffee shop or at a local farmer's market to just walk and talk for an hour.
Until there was evidence that showed that a dating opportunity could be worth more than an hour or two out of my already busy week, working two jobs would remain my priority.
To me, it's fair. I don't rob myself of the possibility of ever falling in love and I don't rob my financial stability for the sake of random dates that eat away at my bank account. No, we're not getting any younger and having a healthy balance is key. But we can't obsess over our love lives. It leaves room for desperation and, if we're not careful, we'll expose and uncover ourselves to the wrong people.
It could do more harm than good.
On the other hand, we can't be naïve to think that right guy will always be around the corner waiting for use when we have everything fall into line in life as we hope. It's far from the truth. I don't believe that the timing of relationships are always convenient.
I believe you can have both your relationship goals and financial goals at the same time, however, the amount of time you are willing to invest in each will differ depending on the season you're in in life.
Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:
Nicki Minaj: "Becoming Single Made Me Feel Strong & Powerful"
Your Self Worth Determines Your Net Worth
5 Crucial Financial Questions You Should Be Asking Your Partner Before Marriage
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CB Nicole is a millennial whose passion to live a God-led life has inspired her to use her life lessons and messes to inspire others. Each unpredictable day makes for a new unpredictable journey that she's ready to conquer.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Living In A New City And Feeling Nervous About Making Friends? These 6 Tips Can Help
The first big leap was moving to a new city and getting settled into my new home. The next big leap? Was finding community and belonging. Moving to a new city excited me! I looked forward to having my own apartment, decorating it, and exploring what the city had to offer. I also found excitement in the thought of meeting new people and expanding my connections. When it actually came down to it, I felt nervous. I heard that making new friends as an adult can be hard because we all have different responsibilities and schedules that may not align. I knew in order for me to really feel at home in my new city, I had to create community.
Having a community of people who I can share memories with, lean on in times of need, and inspire each other is something I always valued. I took a moment to truly center in on what I desired from the new friends I would make. Then I realized it all would have to start with me. I had to be centered and confident in who I was to attract who I desired to be aligned with. As someone who moved to a new city and established quality friendships, I gathered these six tips that helped me feel grounded and create community in hopes that it will help you, too.
6 tips to start building community and making new friends in a new city:
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Be true to yourself
Do you know who you are? If someone asked you to describe yourself in three words, what words would you use? In order to develop deep friendships, you must be a friend to yourself first. Know what refuels you and what zaps your energy. Self-study your habits and why you do the things you do. All this will be important to keep in mind when looking to create bonds with others. Every day there’s all kinds of people telling you who you should be, how you should act, or what you should wear. At the end of the day, the only opinion about yourself that truly matters is your own. Spend some alone time with yourself indoors or out at an event you like to truly discover who you are in this season of your life.
Pray about it
Before you step out into the world and cross paths with all kinds of people, it’s important to pray about building your community. God outlines what true friendship looks like in numerous Bible verses such as "Iron sharpens iron." - Proverbs 27:17 and “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. If you desire friendships that last, pray about what you seek in friendship. I remember praying for mentally stable, happy, and whole women who moved through life with abundance mindsets. Take a moment to journal about the community you want to build and then pray on it.
Go to fun events to meet people who share your interests
Most metropolitan cities like Washington, D.C., New York City, and Atlanta are known to have strong young professional communities and events where you can connect with others. I highly encourage you to attend events in or near your community to see what the city is like and meet people. It’s likely that the people at the event have the same interests as you, which is a great way to start a conversation. You can start by searching for events on Eventbrite or following Instagram pages that highlight events happening in your city.
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Accept that you won’t be compatible with everyone you meet
While living in your new city, it’s likely you’ll meet a variety of people. Please know that everyone you meet will not bud into lasting friendships, and that’s okay! You are uniquely created and not made for everyone. Then you’ll meet people who are good for only surface-level connections, and then you’ll have your girls who you can get deep with. I think sometimes people can look down on surface-level friendships, but not everyone needs to fully know you. That’s a privilege to have and to accept within yourself. Continue to check in with yourself and be real about who you crave to spend more time with and who is nice to see for a monthly or quarterly catch-up.
Join Facebook groups & GroupMe chats
If you haven’t used Facebook in a couple of years, it’s time to dust your profile off. Facebook Groups is a great place to join online communities for people who just moved to a new city like you. Typically, you have to agree to the group’s guidelines, and then you can join. For example, you can search for groups in the Facebook app by using keywords like women, Black girl, or [the name of your city] foodies. With the GroupMe app, you’ll have to be invited to join an already existing group. While you’re out and about networking, don’t hesitate to ask if they’re in any online groups/communities they recommend you join too.
Be friendly to folks in your neighborhood
When I first moved to my new apartment, I spent the first week walking around the complex and working in the community spaces to get a better feel of it. I was able to meet people in my neighborhood, enjoy small talk, and learn more about what the community has to offer. Step outside of your comfort zone and work in your apartment’s community space or a local coffee shop to connect with others.
Overall, you may feel alone in your new city, but I guarantee you’re not. There are other people experiencing living in a new city too, and all you need to do is find each other. I hope these tips help ease the nervous feelings you have about building a new community and inspire you to make a new friend today!
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