I Swore Off Dating For the Remainder of My 20s & Survived
I decided to swear off dating for the remainder of my 20s.
No, that is not a typo, you read that correctly.
Dating and I have never been on the same page. Because of that, I've learned my fair share of lessons the hard way. Bad dating choices resulted in situations like me being left with a $600 weekend getaway bill that the guy didn't pitch in for (Don't ask). Those same choices led to me finding out that another guy I was interested in never really left his on-again and off-again girlfriend like he had claimed. They were always "on" and as a result, I unknowingly became the woman on the side.
I was plagued with disappointment and embarrassment as I sat in the bathtub crying, once again. I couldn't figure out why I was still single. The timeline that I had for my life wasn't coming into fruition. Where was my condo, boyfriend, and career? Right then and there, as the water began to turn my fingers into prunes, I decided to stop fixating on a healthy relationship with a guy, and instead focus on building a solid relationship with myself and God.
A few months after turning 26, I decided to hang up my dating shoes for a while.
It wasn't easy by any means necessary, yet deactivating my social media accounts made it a little more manageable. Yes! There was no Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, nor SnapChat and I survived. However, when you can only scroll through you own thoughts and not your social media timeline, you learn a lot about yourself. I realized not only was I captivated by the "likes" on my pictures and often cliche thoughts, I was imprisoned by the critiques and opinions of the men around me. I wanted them to like me and validate me through quality time and attention.
At the time, singleness to me meant, "You're unwanted." It led me to question how could God deem me valuable when others didn't. Spending time in prayer, slowly yet surely, I saw that I possessed the qualities of a virtuous woman. My focus became establishing a healthy relationship with God and seeking purpose.
Managing to duck out of the shadows and opinions of others, I learned how to go out by myself and enjoy my own company. My insecurities faded as I went to the ticket booth to purchase a ticket for one. Might I add that buying lunch for one was much cheaper than having to always foot the bill for two as I often did when dating?
As I began to stride on the journey to wholeness, I had to confront my past experiences with dating.
Though I didn't want to admit it, I was the common denominator in all of my failed dating experiences.
My unhealthy relationships and encounters with men were the direct reflection of the unhealthy outlook I had concerning myself. I was insecure about my looks before they ever commented on them. My interest were masked by timely pop culture in efforts to fit in because I didn't want to be categorized as boring.
There is no rulebook when it comes to dating, however, I knew that something I was doing was resulting in failed encounters. My insecurities led to me giving the wrong guys a chance because I didn't get asked out on dates often. I felt invisible. But I was also afraid. I was so afraid of being left alone that I wasn't selective enough about who I allowed in my space. Often times, that looked as small as me opening my wallet to cover the expenses for whatever we did and accepting men who welcomed being taken care of. Other times, it was as severe as being manipulated into being a side chick. All of it was beneath me.
Though I had good intentions, I couldn't have a healthy relationship with a significant other until I had an honest and healthy relationship with myself. I began to work on me mentally, physically, and spiritually. Deactivating my social media accounts destroyed any temptation to pry into the lives of the men I had a crush on or the ones that didn't treat me right. What good was seeing them happy with someone else as I sat at home scrolling through their pictures in my oversized sweatpants and my hair in a high messy bun? I couldn't afford to be discontent looking at the achievements of others all while wondering when or if my time would ever come along.
Though I desired to be claimed in a relationship, I really needed to be freed from mental bondage.
I deleted and blocked all male phone numbers as well. I didn't need to roll over over on a lonely night and try to conjure up a meaningless conversation just for the illusion that someone is "there." The truth is, those lonely nights came and, from time to time, I still have them, but I refuse to make emotional decisions for the sake of not being lonely or to possibly receive a half-felt "good morning" text.
There had to be boundaries, even for myself.
Focusing on myself helped me to build confidence. I began to wear what I wanted without thinking twice if my shirt or pants hugged my curves in a way that was displeasing to a guy. My confidence was noticed by my friends and family. My finances were outstanding. I was thriving at work. I'd finally learned how to channel that energy. I channeled it inward.
I am now 30 and I must say that four years of not dating has gone by quickly. I didn't intend for it to last this long, but it has. It has been a journey that was not a part of my timeline, yet it was needed. For once, dating isn't a priority for me. The truth is, I'm no longer afraid of being single. The love of my life is myself.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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CB Nicole is a millennial whose passion to live a God-led life has inspired her to use her life lessons and messes to inspire others. Each unpredictable day makes for a new unpredictable journey that she's ready to conquer.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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If you’re like many other people who are prioritizing wellness these days, then attending a wellness retreat might be something to consider. Wellness retreats are a cool way to get the relaxation you’ve been missing in a space with like-minded people who share a common goal. I descended upon my first wellness retreat, the Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat, a couple of weeks ago at the Zoëtry Agua Punta Cana Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Zoëtry Agua is part of the Inclusive Collection for the World of Hyatt. It is nestled on a secluded part of Uvero Alto beach, which has crystal blue waters. The resort itself is picturesque, with its thatched roofs and lazy rivers that make you feel like you’re in a cute little village.
Mindy, Body, + Sol Retreat was hosted by Koya Webb, holistic health and wellness coach and yoga instructor, and it also featured other wellness practitioners who combined provided the ultimate gift of relaxation and getting back to oneself.
The first night was a Welcome Dinner that featured a five-course meal and an opportunity to meet our companions for the next three days. The food was impeccable and the only downside was that I wasn’t able to finish it all. The next day, however, was the official start of the classes, and I was ready to dive in.
Aura and Chakra Reading
Aura and chakra reading
Photo courtesy
My first class was an aura and chakra reading led by Laura McCann and James Levinson, an Asheville, NC couple. I’ve had chakra readings before, but never like this. There was a computer, a camera, and a scanner, which I placed my hand on for the reading. After two minutes, I received a 15-page report explaining my aura and chakra reading.
It breaks down what the colors of your aura are and what your chakras say. My main colors were green and yellow, which were defined by a variety of things. The top of my aura was green, meaning I have a social mental state and I’m a natural healer. My aura on my left side was yellow meaning my energy flowing is optimistic and light and so on.
After James discussed the findings with me, I then met with Laura, who gave me aromatherapy oils from their ADORAtherapy line that represented each chakra. She further explained the results of my chakra reading and shared how each oil can assist. Chakras are the energy centers in our body, and there is a total of seven: root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. All of my chakras were high except for my heart chakra, which I have since been working on. I may follow up about that in another article.
Sound Bath
Sound bath class
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Next was the sound bath class. It was located in the spa, which was indoor/ outdoor and the perfect setting for this kind of experience. Andrew Francis and Carrie Bailey of Zenden Meditation were the co-pilots in transporting attendees into a place of tranquility. I laid down, closed my eyes, and allowed the sounds around me to bring me into a relaxing state. From the singing bowls to the wind chimes, I was in heaven. I even fell asleep and got some of the best rest I’ve had in a while. It was a beautiful experience. However, remember when I noted it was an indoor/ outdoor venue? I forgot to put on bug spray and woke up pretty itchy. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment.
Tea Party
Art of Tea Ritual Tea Party
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The last event of the day was the Art of Tea Ritual located in the resort’s tea garden. It was everything you could want in a tea party. Delectable treats such as cookies, cakes, and white chocolate-covered strawberries, which are my fave. And, of course, tea. While I got to sip tea, I also got to make my own tea blend. There were many different teas to choose from, like hibiscus to your regular black tea. I decided to mix rose and mint and I called it RoseMint. I didn’t get to try my tea blend until I got home, and I’ll be honest, it’s probably the best tea I ever had. The tea herbs taste so fresh, and I love how fragrant it smells.
Breathwork
Breathwork Class
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The next morning was all about breathwork. If you exercise regularly, then you probably know the importance of breathing. But there’s more to it besides remembering to breathe during your workout. Margaret Townsend is a breathwork facilitator who helps people achieve wellness by consciously changing their breathing patterns. In her class, I learned to change my breathing pattern for energy as well as for relaxation. While I know that breathing is a relaxation tool, I was blown away to learn that it can also energize you. Because it was a different breathing pattern, I was also able to stay present and keep a steady pace.
Yoga
Koya Webb's yoga class
Photo courtesy
The final class of the retreat was evening yoga with Koya Webb, who, as I mentioned earlier, was the host. Her class was held beside the beautiful Uvero Alto beach, which made for a stunning backdrop and the perfect way to end the retreat. It was important for me to get back into my body after not doing yoga for a few weeks, so I was really focused on nailing the moves. However, Koya kept the energy light and fun, evening cracking a few jokes throughout, which made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the moment. She ended the class with a dance break and hugs from our classmates.
The Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat reminded me how important it is to take time to love on myself. Each class was an opportunity to be present and get reacquainted with oneself in the most loving way. Being surrounded by individuals who encouraged my journey was what I needed, and I am so honored to have had this experience.
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