I Swore Off Dating For the Remainder of My 20s & Survived
I decided to swear off dating for the remainder of my 20s.
No, that is not a typo, you read that correctly.
Dating and I have never been on the same page. Because of that, I've learned my fair share of lessons the hard way. Bad dating choices resulted in situations like me being left with a $600 weekend getaway bill that the guy didn't pitch in for (Don't ask). Those same choices led to me finding out that another guy I was interested in never really left his on-again and off-again girlfriend like he had claimed. They were always "on" and as a result, I unknowingly became the woman on the side.
I was plagued with disappointment and embarrassment as I sat in the bathtub crying, once again. I couldn't figure out why I was still single. The timeline that I had for my life wasn't coming into fruition. Where was my condo, boyfriend, and career? Right then and there, as the water began to turn my fingers into prunes, I decided to stop fixating on a healthy relationship with a guy, and instead focus on building a solid relationship with myself and God.
A few months after turning 26, I decided to hang up my dating shoes for a while.
It wasn't easy by any means necessary, yet deactivating my social media accounts made it a little more manageable. Yes! There was no Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, nor SnapChat and I survived. However, when you can only scroll through you own thoughts and not your social media timeline, you learn a lot about yourself. I realized not only was I captivated by the "likes" on my pictures and often cliche thoughts, I was imprisoned by the critiques and opinions of the men around me. I wanted them to like me and validate me through quality time and attention.
At the time, singleness to me meant, "You're unwanted." It led me to question how could God deem me valuable when others didn't. Spending time in prayer, slowly yet surely, I saw that I possessed the qualities of a virtuous woman. My focus became establishing a healthy relationship with God and seeking purpose.
Managing to duck out of the shadows and opinions of others, I learned how to go out by myself and enjoy my own company. My insecurities faded as I went to the ticket booth to purchase a ticket for one. Might I add that buying lunch for one was much cheaper than having to always foot the bill for two as I often did when dating?
As I began to stride on the journey to wholeness, I had to confront my past experiences with dating.
Though I didn't want to admit it, I was the common denominator in all of my failed dating experiences.
My unhealthy relationships and encounters with men were the direct reflection of the unhealthy outlook I had concerning myself. I was insecure about my looks before they ever commented on them. My interest were masked by timely pop culture in efforts to fit in because I didn't want to be categorized as boring.
There is no rulebook when it comes to dating, however, I knew that something I was doing was resulting in failed encounters. My insecurities led to me giving the wrong guys a chance because I didn't get asked out on dates often. I felt invisible. But I was also afraid. I was so afraid of being left alone that I wasn't selective enough about who I allowed in my space. Often times, that looked as small as me opening my wallet to cover the expenses for whatever we did and accepting men who welcomed being taken care of. Other times, it was as severe as being manipulated into being a side chick. All of it was beneath me.
Though I had good intentions, I couldn't have a healthy relationship with a significant other until I had an honest and healthy relationship with myself. I began to work on me mentally, physically, and spiritually. Deactivating my social media accounts destroyed any temptation to pry into the lives of the men I had a crush on or the ones that didn't treat me right. What good was seeing them happy with someone else as I sat at home scrolling through their pictures in my oversized sweatpants and my hair in a high messy bun? I couldn't afford to be discontent looking at the achievements of others all while wondering when or if my time would ever come along.
Though I desired to be claimed in a relationship, I really needed to be freed from mental bondage.
I deleted and blocked all male phone numbers as well. I didn't need to roll over over on a lonely night and try to conjure up a meaningless conversation just for the illusion that someone is "there." The truth is, those lonely nights came and, from time to time, I still have them, but I refuse to make emotional decisions for the sake of not being lonely or to possibly receive a half-felt "good morning" text.
There had to be boundaries, even for myself.
Focusing on myself helped me to build confidence. I began to wear what I wanted without thinking twice if my shirt or pants hugged my curves in a way that was displeasing to a guy. My confidence was noticed by my friends and family. My finances were outstanding. I was thriving at work. I'd finally learned how to channel that energy. I channeled it inward.
I am now 30 and I must say that four years of not dating has gone by quickly. I didn't intend for it to last this long, but it has. It has been a journey that was not a part of my timeline, yet it was needed. For once, dating isn't a priority for me. The truth is, I'm no longer afraid of being single. The love of my life is myself.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 10 Things That Happened When I Swore Off Dating For A Year ... ›
- I Swore Off Dieting One Month Ago...Here's What Happened. | The ... ›
- I have low self-esteem. Is online dating for me? | Life and style | The ... ›
- I Swore Off Dating & Then This Happened… – The Problem With ... ›
- What I Learned From Tracking My Dating Life On A Spreadsheet ... ›
- What Being In A Serious Relationship After Divorce Has Taught Me ›
- The Year Without Sex - The Atlantic ›
- How a year of celibacy taught me the true meaning of love | Daily ... ›
CB Nicole is a millennial whose passion to live a God-led life has inspired her to use her life lessons and messes to inspire others. Each unpredictable day makes for a new unpredictable journey that she's ready to conquer.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line CÉCRED & Here's My Honest Review
Beyoncé is snatching our wallets yet again with her latest business venture CÉCRED. In 2023, the Texas native hinted at a potential haircare line when she posted this photo causing fans to speculate that her next project would be focused on her famous tresses - they were right. Her haircare line Cécred launched on February 20 with her first drop called The Foundation Collection which focuses on haircare first, and I can only assume that a style product line for colored-treated hair will likely follow since Beyoncé is known for slaying various shades of blonde.
As a super fan since the early 2000s, it was only right that I give an honest review of the full line and purchase the Super Fan Bundle (retailed at $265) which includes the full product line of the 8 products, as well as a branded cosmetic bag. If you’re thinking, “Girl that bundle is too pricey for me,” I can assure you that for the value you're getting, the price is quite reasonable. This bundle was an intentional and marketable way to allow consumers to experience every Cécred product.
The brand messaging surrounding Cécred has been salon-inspired, and rightfully so as an ode to Beyoncé’s upbringing growing up in her mother’s hair salon in Houston. This line is backed by science and licensed cosmetologists showing that she’s done her research and appointed the experts. Cécred's IG feed has been filled with images and videos inside of hair salons including some videos of Ms. Tina herself assisting in the styling of beauty experts who visited Cécred's private salon to have the VIP treatment!
Now, have I seen influencers, consumers, and beauty stylists using the Foundation Collection at home? Yes, but I thought it was best to experience Cécred with my go-to cosmetologist who also happens to be my Auntie Tawana. She has been my educator and go-to for hair knowledge since I was a child and has had a hand in my mom's hair health which has always been goals for me. As a little girl, my Saturdays were spent sitting in her hair salon while my mama got her hair done as I patiently waited reading Jet and ESSENCE, ever so carefully eavesdropping on the conversations of the ladies who were coming for much more than just a beauty routine, but an experience.
I’d fall asleep on the plush couch in the waiting area flipping through magazines while listening to the sultry sounds of Maxwell. And I had my first lesson in breakup empowerment when I heard Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before.” So there was no other place for me to go than to see her, and because I’m her niece, I was able to visit her private salon in her home that she calls The After Hours where upon arrival I was greeted with my favorite Black-owned sparkling Rosé, candles lit, and my aunt’s breakdown of Cécred.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
But let me refocus and share my salon experience as I tried Cécred for the first time.
If You’re Wondering…Who is Cécred For?
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
When news of Beyoncé potentially launching a beauty brand hit the internet, there were a bunch of predictions of what and who the line would be marketed towards and if she’d have any wig care products as she’s known for slaying her units! But she went in a totally different direction which I love, and I’m going to tell you why. Critics have questioned if Beyoncé should be venturing into the haircare industry because she is often seen in weaves and wigs, but true Beyoncé fans know that she has healthy hair and that, like many Black women, experiments with various styles.
Cécred was created for all hair types and textures, including straight to coily, virgin, color-treated, chemically processed, and heat-styled. As a Black woman who has worn wigs, had chemically processed hair, heat-styled, natural, and color-treated hair, let me tell you, this was no easy feat! The amount of money I’ve spent on my hair through its various changes just on product alone, forget styling has been astronomical.
Cécred is serving the needs of various hair types in textures and I truly believe that this is going to make Beyoncé a true competitor in the hair industry amongst brands that are comparable such as OUAI and Olaplex. Both competitor brands have similar items at a higher price point and unlike Cécred, their products and brand messaging haven’t always felt inclusive to Black women and other hair types.
Cécred has been tested inclusively and the reviews from various hair types and backgrounds of consumers are allowing the brand to stand out.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line Cécred: My Honest Review
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
My hair has never felt cleaner and it shined for well over a week following the styling (but the oil should be used sparingly if like me, oil can weigh down your hair.) Immediately when my hair touched the sink, my aunt told me that she saw all the dirt and oils lifting from my hair when she applied the clarifying shampoo. As a girl who loves my curls, I am often judgy when I use any other shampoo and conditioner aside from Pattern, but not this time.
When my aunt guided my hands across my hair, she showed me how my curls weren’t tangled, and how she didn’t need to comb out my curls before applying the moisturizing deep conditioner or the deconstructing treatment mask.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
She applied each step with care and walked me through the process, and to my surprise, the hair mask wasn’t thick - but through trial and error as a natural girl, I’ve learned that a thick mask doesn’t always equal what’s best for your hair. She styled me with a silk press that left my hair with shine and I can honestly say that each step of the line is needed especially if you are someone who changes up your hair and deals with breakage. If your hair is healthy, you can opt out of the reconstructing treatment mask but I recommend taking the product line to your salon, having a discussion with your stylist on where your hair health needs improvement, and then purchasing based on that.
We know ourselves better than anyone else, but your stylist knows your hair better than you do. I like to lead with their knowledge first and then incorporate what my hair goals are. If you’re a girly who’s committed to hair health and has either the discipline to incorporate each step at home or can bring your products to the salon, Cécred is for you no matter if you’re a silk press or a wash-and-go naturalist.
Give Cécred a try, I’ll be using the line for my hair appointments until it runs out and if I see long-term results, it will be added to the beauty regimen indefinitely.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of CÉCRED