

At the forefront of my mind remains the image of my dream self---the ideal and successful version of me I long to grow into. In the humblest way, my dream self is pretty mind-blowing, or époustouflante, as we say in French. If you take a glance at my vision board, it won't take long for you to define the way I portray her: She has Leticia Gardner's looks and married life, blossoms through her career as beautifully as Necole Kane does, and writes pieces that touch people in such a deep way the world refers to her as "young Oprah".
She's a great leading woman, the kind whose main aspirations are to inspire and make a difference. She dreams of everything fancy and would break any wall that prevents her from reaching those dreams. Where some people hear "no", she hears "try harder". She's intelligent, constantly strives for self-accomplishment and fears nothing.
I came across a photo of Leticia Marie Gardener when I took my first trip to Los Angeles. Living up to its reputation, the City of Angels naturally didn't fail to work its magic on me. From visiting famous TV-show sets to grabbing coffee with Devious Maids actress Edy Ganem in Beverly Hills and being offered dinner by Eva Longoria at her restaurant Beso Hollywood, L.A. showed me that all the glitz and glamour I've always fantasized about are possible (because yeah, you can aim to make a difference but still be fancy AF). It showed me that I, too, could have a seat at the table. And by showing me just that, L.A. gifted me with the secret sauce I'd been missing to make something out of my dreams: a vision.
However, after 6 years of pursuing my vision and several spiritual awakenings, I learned that you're never safe from losing sight of who your dream self is. And there are a lot of setbacks and growth to experience before you can become her.
Reflecting on where I stood in my life last year, what comes to mind is "the Ordeal". In what's known as "the Hero's Journey", the Ordeal refers to the moment in the Hero's life where, after approaching "the Inmost Cave", a major crisis occurs. The Hero is therefore led to face his biggest fears and finds himself on the edge of death. His survival depends on whether or not he wins the fight against those fears. What triggered that crisis in my case were two defining decisions that I made a couple of years ago: Give up on a master's degree in mass communications/journalism to settle for a job that wasn't fulfilling but paid well, and move out of my mother's house whereas my goal was to stack enough money to participate in the UCLA Extension Writer's Program.
Although making those decisions seemed to be the right thing to do at the time, all it did was bring serious disorder into my life. It resulted in me turning into a miserable person---depressed, lost and trapped in a reality I never intended to make mine. My dream self and I were dying, and I was the one killing us both.
Last May, when the consequences of my choices became unbearable and I hit rock bottom, I started seeking help wherever I could.
I began seeing a therapist every two weeks, working on my relationship with God, hanging out with friends more often, and doing a lot more of the things that are probably on your usual self-care list. Had you told me that the most efficient help I'd find was going to be in writing a letter to myself, I wouldn't have believed you.
When it comes to writing a letter to ourselves, oftentimes we write about the things we would tell our younger self or the things we'd love to read when we turn a certain age. Either way, the words on paper aren't dedicated to our present self. Yet, what I needed was instant guidance. I needed someone to call me out on my bullsh*t. RIGHT. NOW. Someone who wouldn't give me the traditional "that's life" speech, but more the "you need to get your life together" one. And considering how misunderstood I felt, I knew that the only one who'd be able to get me back on my feet was my dream self. So, I grabbed my favorite pen and a piece of paper, stepped into her shoes, and asked myself: "What would my dream self say if she knew why she's so close to never existing?"
Stop ignoring what the voice within you is trying to tell you.
Within each of us resides a voice that's purpose is to guide us through this thing called life. It's there to make sure that every step we take is in the direction of the life God---the Universe, whatever you want to call it---has uniquely designed for every one of us. She who decides to pay attention and listen to that voice will be provided with all the answers. She who decides to ignore it engages in a deadly fight against herself.
Three years ago, I made two decisions that didn't feel right in my heart but I still chose to ignore because I thought they were necessary. By not listening to what my heart was telling me, I created chaos in my life which, at some point, forced me to take huge steps back so I could save myself. I had to quit my job and move back in with my mom.
Sometimes, the only way for us to reroute toward the right direction is to destroy the foundation that we built around some important life decisions that we made---a foundation we, in most cases, became attached to and which somehow became part of our identity. Going back to square one was a painful way for me to learn that, no matter how aggressive its method, the voice within will always find a way to be heard.
"Your life is a piece of art and art is never finished, only abandoned."
To me, life's art, and human beings are all born artists. Indeed, we might not all be born painters, writers, dancers, or musicians, but we've all been given the ability to create something out of nothing---to create ourselves and our own reality. The beauty of art is that, as Leonardo da Vinci once said, it's never finished. It can always be refined. Colors can always be added, words can always be rewritten and sculptures can always be reshaped. So can life.
Again, going back to square one taught me an important lesson: The artist in me is allowed to create and recreate my current reality until it looks perfectly like the masterpiece I've always imagined my life to be, no matter what it takes.
Wherever you find yourself in life, if it doesn't feel right, then move. You're not stuck. Take a leap of faith and walk into the unknown where thousands of opportunities are waiting for you.
Focus on being the first you instead of the next someone else.
Have you ever admired someone so much that you wished you were that person? And not only did you wish you were that person, but you actually started impersonating her and doing everything like her as though it would lead to living the same life? When people would ask me who I wanted to be when I grew up, I used to answer, "I want to be the next Oprah Winfrey." Truth be told, if I could've turned into any celebrity I was fangirling over, I definitely would have.
One of the reasons I got so lost in the journey to becoming my dream self was the fact that I was following someone else's path believing that, since we were reaching for the same destination, we could also head in the same direction. Wrong. The world doesn't need another Oprah Winfrey. It needs me and my gift.
As I've mentioned before, there's a path that's been uniquely designed for each and every one of us. It's paved with flowers only you can smell and mountains only you can climb. Its light is the only light that'll ever make you shine. Somewhere down this path is where your treasure is.
It's the only way for you to grow into the person God wants you to be--not the one you wish you could be. Walking down someone else's path will surely lead you to the destination you aim to reach, but it'll always keep you looking for the dream and the magic. Walking down your own path, however, allows the magic to operate. Then, you become the dream.
Every day is a good day to put in the work.
They say that dreams don't work unless you do. And as a pro procrastinator who only puts in the work when I feel like it, taking action tends to be a bit problematic at times, especially when it doesn't provide me with instant gratification. I eventually had to face the fact that becoming my dream self isn't an overnight success but the result of constant and vigorous efforts.
My dream self owes her success as a writer to the hours she spends writing every day, even when inspiration's hiding. She manages to write a bestseller because she won't let the time it would take to write discourage her from doing so. She's as fit as Leticia Gardner because the results she gets from hitting the gym daily are more important than the satisfaction she gets from snacking while binge-watching Netflix.
Accessing your dream life will require hard work and discipline from you. The more you give it your all, the closer you get to your breakthrough. You have to be responsible for how much you get done. Don't be the one standing in your own way. Push yourself to do the work. Every. Single. Day.
Here and now is still good. The journey matters more than the destination.
Human beings are unsatisfied creatures always yearning for more. I can't recall a time where I felt like my reality was enough. My mind has always teemed with all these big dreams and, before this intimate conversation with my dream self, all I was waiting for was the day they'd be fulfilled so I could feel fulfilled myself. The last thing she had to tell me, which is by far one of the most important, is to stop missing out on what's already in front of me by rushing to the next big thing.
No more "I'll be happy when". Bliss might be waiting for you at the finish line, but happiness lies in the here and the now. You just have to be willing to find it.
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The most Gemini woman you'll ever meet. Communications & community enthusiast, I run a media platform centered around spirituality, and I'm always looking to connect with fellow creatives. Follow me on Instagram & Twitter @savannahtaider
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You’ve Got Several Sex Hormones. These Tips Will Help Make Them (& Your Sex Life) Stronger.
It’s been said that since, shoot, forever, that the brain is the biggest sex organ that we have — and to a large extent, I would agree. That’s why, whenever I tackle sex issues on this platform, it’s more as it relates to emotional connectedness, effective communication, and clearly articulating one’s needs.
That’s not to say that articles like this one aren’t, in some ways, equally as necessary too because sometimes — sometimes, there is absolutely nothing “wrong” with your relationship and still, when you think about having sex with your partner…you’re just not as “into the idea” as you usually are.
And what that could mean is there is something going on physically instead of mentally or emotionally. For example, it could be an indication that one or more of your sex hormones are a bit “off” and you need to get them back where they need to be.
That’s the purpose and goal of today’s offering. We’re going to explore how five hormones in your system play a direct role in you having a satisfying sex life, then we’re going to touch on some signs that yours may be low and what you can do about them, at home (although if these don’t work, please see your doctor), if that is indeed the case.
Ready to physically feel like having (more) sex? Awesome.
1. Estrogen
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Although estrogen is found in both men and women, there is a lot more of it in women. And since drops in estrogen can lead to things like a lower sex drive as well as experiencing challenges when it comes to having orgasms, it’s important to do as much as you can to keep your estrogen levels where they need to be at all times.
So, what aresome key indications that your estrogen levels are low? If you have super dry skin; your vagina is dry; you’re storing up more belly fat; your periods are irregular; you’re tired a lot; your sleep patterns are erratic, and/or your libido is low.
And what can you do to get your estrogen levels back on track?
Eat foods that are considered to be phytoestrogens. Phytoestrogens are considered to be plant-based sources of estrogen that could help to get your levels up. Those foods include flaxseeds, peaches, berries, sesame seeds, and cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and collards).
Take Vitamin B-Complex. The reason why it’s important to have vitamin B consistently in your system is because it plays a significant role in how your body creates estrogen. So, if you’re not currently taking a B-complex vitamin, this is as good of a time as any.
Look into Black Cohosh. If you’re someone who likes to take supplements, do some research on black cohosh. It has a pretty good reputation when it comes to elevating estrogen levels.
Drink some black tea. Are you a tea lover? If so, it can’t hurt to sip on some black tea. Although research is still ongoing, there are findings that state that some of the properties in black tea will help to elevate estrogen levels.
Live in moderation. Now this might be your “something new” for the day. Were you aware of the fact that estrogen levels actually increase in body fat? In fact,being underweightis what can decrease your estrogen. While we’re here, exercising too much can jack up your estrogen levels as well. Moral to the story with this one: stay at a healthy weight and don’t overdo it on the workout tip. When it comes to keeping your estrogen levels where they need to be, balance is key.
2. Testosterone
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Testosterone is a hormone that stimulates sexual desire in both menand women, although there is significantly more of it in men.The reason why women need it in their system is not only does it increase their libido, but it also helps to give them energy, to stay in a good mood, and it can also help to make conceiving easier.
How can you know that your testosterone levels could use a boost? If you have an irregular cycle, you’re having trouble conceiving a child; you’re low on energy; your hair is thinning; you’re losing muscle tone; you have trouble sleeping, and/or you have no real interest in sex.
If you happen to notice any of these signs, what can you do to get your testosterone levels up?
Exercise. One way to increase your testosterone levels is to exercise; however, as a woman, the key is to do things like resistance training and High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT). Both of those have the reputation for raising testosterone levels; in women, especially.
Consume more zinc. Although it’s been said for years that zinc deficiencies are directly tied to erectile dysfunction in men, there are also studies that say that many women who are postmenopausal are also low in zinc. In both cases, zinc is needed because it helps to keep hormones in balance. So, if you sense that you may be low in testosterone, perhaps take a zinc supplement or eat foods that are high in zinc, like beef, lamb, pumpkin seeds, whole grains, and eggs.
Drink less alcohol. Even though alcohol can make you feel horny for a moment, the reality is if you drink too much of it, it can actually cause your testosterone levels to tank. Bottom line with this one, pace yourself with your cocktails — especially if you already know that your testosterone levels aren’t where they should be.
Go outside. Did you know that there is a correlation between vitamin D deficiencies and pregnancy issues like preeclampsia and a baby’s low birth weight? There are also studies that indicate that when a woman is receiving a daily dose of vitamin D, her testosterone levels tend to remain strong. That said, one way to get vitamin D into your system is to take a supplement or to eat foods that are rich in them. Another is to consume foods that contain vitamin D, like salmon, tuna, and mushrooms. Still another is to spend more time outside. Definitely one of the best ways to get some “D” into you is to be in the presence of the sun. In fact, as an extra bonus, the ultraviolet radiation that comes from the sun can boost the libido of both men and women. The more you know.
Watch your stress. Two things that aren’t the best of friends are testosterone and cortisol (the hormone that creates your natural stress response). This is so much the case that when your cortisol levels are high, that can hinder your system from producing all of the testosterone that it needs. So, you know what that means, right? CHILL. OUT.
3. Progesterone
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Progesterone is what helps to keep your libido regulated. Since it also plays a pivotal role in a woman’s menstrual cycle and how her hormones respond throughout the month, women who are in the latter stages of perimenopause or who are postmenopausal should also keep their progesterone levels up in order to maintain a consistent sex life.
Signs that you need more progesterone? Trouble sleeping. Irregular cycles. Bloating. Erratic moods. Headaches.
Things that can help bring some relief to these issues?
Meditate. From what I’veread and (briefly) researched, cortisol has the ability to block your progesterone receptors, which means that it can decrease them if you are too stressed out. And that is why one way that you can boost your progesterone levels is to meditate.Since meditation can reduce anxiety, lower stress, and help you to sleep better, I’m sure you get how it can work to get your progesterone levels where they need to be.
Take Vitamin C. If you are low in vitamin C, it could impact your progesterone levels in a negative way. That’s becausevitamin C is a nutrient that actually stimulates the production of progesterone. So, if you want to get more of it into your system, take a vitamin C supplement, drink some orange juice, and/or eatvitamin C-enriched foods like cantaloupe, parsley, strawberries, papaya, and chili peppers.
Implement chasteberry tea. An herbal tea that I personally think every woman should have in her possession ischasteberry tea. Not only does it do things like reduce inflammation, bring relief to PMS symptoms, and help to improve infertility, it also helps to balance out your hormones and, yes, increase progesterone levels.
Hang out with friends. When it comes to raising progesterone levels, something that I found to be fascinating is that there are studies that say that when women hang out with each other, that can give their progesterone levels a boost. The methodology is that it reduces stress and anxiety and makes people feel more comfortable, to the point where it helps to balance out that particular hormone. Pretty cool, right?
Get on a sleep schedule. Not getting a consistent amount (preferably 6-8 hours) of rest can definitelythrow your hormones off, including your progesterone levels. That’s a big part of the reason why I once wrote “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand.” Check it out when you get a chance.
4. Oxytocin
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Oxytocin has the reputation for being called the “love hormone.” That’s because it’s a hormone (and neuropeptide, which is a protein-like molecule) that “activates” during physical activities like kissing, cuddling, andsex.
And what are some telling signs that you are low on this particular hormone?You may feel a bit depressed;you may feel more anxious; you may notice that you don’t want to communicate and/or be affectionate with others; you may have less of an interest in sex, and/or it may be harder for you to orgasm.
Are there also things that you can do to increase your oxytocin levels on your own? Yep.
Get into some music. If you’re not in the mood for sex but you want to be, treat yourself to a long shower — and then sing in it. Believe it or not, some studies say thatsinging for 30 minutes can increase your oxytocin because it helps you to feel connected and relaxed (so can listening to music).
Hug someone. There is data all over the place that says that oxytocin is stimulated through the power of touch. That’s a part of the reason why it’s known as the “cuddle hormone.” So, just like you can get an oxytocin boost by kissing or cuddling with your partner, hugging a friend can also take your oxytocin levels up a few notches as well.
Get a massage. Sooo…when’s the last time you got a massage (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? Take this as a sign that today would be a great day to book an appointment. As far as your oxytocin levels go, it’s another way that touch can come into effect while reducing stress and inflammation. And don’t get me started on where your oxytocin levels will go if your partner starts rubbing on some of your pressure points. Feel me?
Spend quality time with your bae. Speaking of partners, there are studies that also say that oxytocin levels are high when new relationships start. A part of the reason why is that there is so much intentional quality time that’s being spent, which is also good for your oxytocin levels. So, if it’s been a minute since the two of you have been on a date, plan one. Check out “10 Cheap Date Ideas For Couples On A Budget,” “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language,” “10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)” and “Dinner & A Movie Is So…“Meh.” Here Are Some Creative Takes On V-Day Dates.” for some inspiration.
Have sex. As far as physical intimacy goes, it doesn’t get any closer than sex — and here’s the thing: the more orgasms you have, the more oxytocin your body is able to produce. So, if you want more oxytocin and you’re not having (more) sex (and orgasms), that’s actually working against you… especially as far as this particular hormone goes.
5. Dopamine
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Dopamine is a hormone and a neurotransmitter that plays a role in sexual desire and pleasure.For men, it can help them to achieve and maintain an erection;for women, it can help them to orgasm (more easily).
Some indications that you may need more dopamine in your system are if you find yourself lacking drive and motivation, you struggle with concentrating, you’re moody, sleep is a struggle for you, and/or you don’t find things that you used to enjoy being very fun (including sex).
Luckily, there are things that you can even do to level out your dopamine:
Consume more protein. There is an amino acid called tyrosine that helps your body to process dopamine. That’s why it’s a good idea to make sure that protein is a part of your diet. Although you can get it from meat, there are other foods that are packed with protein as well. “Vegetarian Or Vegan? Check Out These High Protein Foods.” has a few ideas for you to consider.
Eat less saturated fat. Speaking of your diet, it’s also wise to eat less saturated fat. That’s because there are studies that say that too much of that kind of fat in your system can mess with how your brain processes dopamine. For the record, saturated fats include dairy, fried foods, and coconut oil.
Maintain a healthy gut. It has been stated that more than 50 percent of the dopamine that’s in your body is synthesized in your gut. This means that you need to be hypervigilant in making sure that your gut remains as healthy as possible. Check out “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.” for tips on how to do just that.
Take a probiotic. Speaking of maintaining a healthy gut, it’s going to be so much easier for you to do it if you take a probiotic. Plus, probiotics are known for producing the kind of “good bacteria” that makes it easy for your gut to release dopamine.
Try some oregano oil. A supplement that is full of antioxidants and may possibly boost dopamine in your body is oregano oil. Since it also helps to keep your gut healthy — hey, why not give it a shot?
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As you can see, there are so many factors that go into having a happy, healthy, and fulfilling sex life. Now that you know more about what to do for your sex-related hormones, hopefully, you can get more of what you’re looking for in your sexual experiences.
Amen? I’m saying, sis.
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