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Okay. So, This Is Why Oral Sex Is Probably Not Satisfying You (Fully).
To this day, folks will debate that one of my favorite songs by the R&B group SWV, “Rain” is about sex even though Coko has made it clear that it’s not. Now another one of their classics, “Downtown”? That’s about the matter entirely. In fact, some hail it as being one of the most sex-positive songs of its time when it comes to — we’re all grown here, right? — cunnilingus. Its praise makes a lot of sense being that it is the act that helps women climax the most.
You know, I did some reading up on oral sex in this country, in general. It looks like around 80 percent of both men and women experience pleasure from it, around 22 percent have an orgasm most of the time (that’s it?!) and most sexually active folks who choose to partake in fellatio and/or cunnilingus do it around five times a week. Yeah, oral sex is bomb and most of us know it.
'What If I Don't Like Oral Sex?'
So, what if you happen to be like a married girlfriend of mine who could literally take it or leave it? It’s not that you haven’t tried to understand the hype; it’s just that, no matter how much you’ve tried to get into it, you just…don’t.
If you’re shaking your head up and down at your monitor or phone screen because this is exactly how you feel, oftentimes getting to the root of an issue can help to resolve it. So, let’s explore some reasons why either you’d prefer not to have oral sex or you’re not enjoying as much as so much of the free world seems to be.
You’re Not Comfortable with Your Vulva/Vagina
I recently saw an exchange on Twitter that was like the checkmate shot that was heard around the world. Someone had posted a clip of a woman talking about how disgusting she found uncircumcised men to be. One of the things she said was, “Eww. Who wants to deal with all of that extra skin?” Most of the women in the comments were all agreeing and then a guy posted a chart of different vaginas — many of which had all kinds of hanging vulvar skin (where do y’all think the slang “roast beef curtains” comes from?). Like I said…checkmate (by the way, women have a greater chance of experiencing a vaginal orgasm from an “uncut” man due to the extra skin…the more you know).
Anyway, my (main) point is this — no one should feel ashamed of how they were born…men and you included. Besides, I promise you that most men don’t have the same kind of hang-ups about our bodies as we do. In fact, many guys will tell you that they’re even a fan of Arby’s (if you know what I mean).
So, what can you do if you are so self-conscious about your vagina that it’s keeping you from relaxing during oral activity? A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey.” Check it out when you get a chance. The more time you spend exploring your own vagina, the more comfortable you will get with it — and that will make it easier to share it with your partner. Maybe not immediately but certainly eventually.
You Haven’t “Prepped” Your Vagina Properly
Seems like a few throwback memories are coming to mind with this topic (LOL). Y’all remember the episode of The Game when Tasha Mack was telling her then-boyfriend Danté Young (played by Terrence J) that she enjoyed having sex with him right when he got off work and before he hopped into the shower? Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me. If you want me to enjoy all (and I do mean ALL) of you, make sure that bathtub does first.
Most of the men I know feel the same way; however, this particular point isn’t just about hygiene (check out “Are You Washing Your Vagina Correctly? You Sure?” and “Love On Yourself With These 7 All-Natural DIY Vaginal Washes”). Vaginal prepping also includes deciding how you want your pubic hair to be (also check out “Yep. Pubic Hair Has Trends (And Specific Needs) Too.”) and consuming a diet that keeps everything fresh down below (a couple more: “Foods That Keep Your Vagina Smelling Right (And The Ones That Don’t)” and “10 Ways To Have An 'Extra Sweet' Vagina”).
By the way, when it comes to vaginal grooming, if you’re in a long-term relationship, you might want to discuss that with your partner. The reason why I say that is I once counseled a married couple where the husband said that he didn’t enjoy being on the giving side of oral because — and I quote — “I prefer a golf course to a jungle.”
Listen, I know some of you modern-day women don’t wanna think too long about doing what makes your partner happy when it comes to your own body but being that his face is gonna get closer to your vulva and vagina than you ever will (unless you’re one hell of a contortionist!), it’s worth making the compromise. Just ask the wife in the story that I just told you. #wink
The Foreplay Sucks (Not in a Good Way Either)
As far as oral sex is concerned, it’s interesting to see where people land on whether they consider it to be foreplay — or not. On one hand, a basic definition of foreplay is it’s any kind of sexual stimulation that is a prelude to sexual intercourse. On another, oral sex does have the word “sex” in it, so…yeah…technically, it is a form of sex.
Personally, I think that before oral sex — giving or receiving — starts, there should be some other forms of stimulation going on: lots of kissing, plenty of caressing, maybe a massage…other things to get you warmed up. Otherwise, if oral sex happens right out the gate, it can seem awkward instead of seductive and that can make climaxing more difficult.
So, what if the main issue for you is the foreplay is lacking or not as good as you’d like it to be? At the end of the day, sex is one of the ultimate forms of communication, so make sure to run that by your partner. Well, wait — before you do, read “What If The Sex Is Good...But The Foreplay Isn't?” and also do some sex journaling so that you can figure out what turns you on and what doesn’t…so that you can clearly express your needs and expectations to your partner. After all, it’s not fair to expect him to figure out what you don’t even know. Work on improving foreplay — together.
You Need to Up Your Dirty Talk Game
Maybe it’s because my top love language is words of affirmation. Maybe it’s because I write for a living. Who knows, chile? But when it comes to dirty talk, it’s not really something that I’ve struggled with saying or hearing. In fact, it’s one of my favorite things about sex.
I know we’re not all the same because many of my clients have told me that either they hate dirty talk or they feel semi-ridiculous doing it. I can’t do much for the people who stand behind Door #1 but if you’re someone who’s behind Door #2, my two cents would be to 1) stop overthinking it and 2) focus on telling your partner what pleases you, how much it pleases you when they do “it” and what you’d like to receive more of. The key is to not sound like an anxious drill sergeant and instead like…the main character (Lovely) from the movieGirl 6 (the real ones know).
Yes, dirty talk can consist of a mixture of instructions and affirmations. The good thing about that is, oftentimes, it can help your partner to know how to please you and it can sexually excite you to hear your own self tell him how. Trust me.
You Don’t Enjoy Giving Oral Sex
Unpopular opinion or not, I’ve always said that I think that men have more to deal with during cunnilingus than we do with fellatio. I mean, unless he’s heavy on the pre-ejaculate, giving oral sex to a guy is basically like sucking on a thumb until the “big moment” at the end. Us though? Folds of skin. Lubrication. Pubic hair. Vaginal scents (when a vagina is healthy, most men fully enjoy our natural “aroma,” by the way). As I said…lots going on.
That’s why, when women give me the “eww” about a penis being in their mouth while also holding the stance that a man not going down on them is a deal-breaker, I find myself rolling my eyes. At the very least, that’s an entitled and selfish approach to the act.
So, what can you do if it’s simply not your cup of tea? Before totally avoiding it, try doing some things that will “distract” you a bit — put a flavored condom on it or apply some flavored lube. Play around with an ice cube that’s made of juice (literally freeze the juice and then put one of the cubes into your mouth). Bring your hands into the act, so that you can control how much of his shaft goes into your mouth. Oh, and before all of this, get into the shower with your partner. Chances are, if you play a direct role in the cleanliness part of the program, it will put your mind more at ease.
You Don’t Enjoy Receiving Oral Sex
The wife that I mentioned to you earlier? She said that out of all of her sex partners (including her husband and it hasn’t only been a handful), only one guy was able to get cunnilingus right. Problem is, she can’t remember what he actually did “correctly,” so she hasn’t been able to coach anyone else through the process. *le sigh*
It’s not unheard of that some people don’t enjoy cunnilingus and/or fellatio. If you and your partner fall into one of those categories and are fine with that…fine. But if you don’t enjoy receiving oral sex and it’s not for a lack of trying, this is where communication comes into play. Don’t just settle for how your partner does it, get frustrated and quit. If he truly cares about you, he’s going to want to please you. So, light some scented soy candles, play some of your favorite throwback R&B music, put a pillow underneath your backside, and RELAX. Start things off slow. Kindly express what feels good and what doesn’t and don’t look at the experience like a race to the finish.
Also, don’t feel bad if you’re not automatically climbing the walls either. Although clitorises are highly sensitive, “waking them up” requires different techniques for different people. Something that may help (outside of his mouth) is a stimulating type of lube — one that is specifically designed to get your clit up and going (like this one here).
You know what they say — if you build it, they will come. In this case, here’s hoping that you will, sis.
You and Your Partner Don’t Have a Strong Enough Connection
There’s a lot to be said for sexual chemistry when it comes to achieving ultimate sexual pleasure — and that can happen well before you and someone get naked. You’re deeply attracted to each other. The body language is strong. When you do talk about sex, you seem to be on the same page (of interests and desires). If you add to that the feeling of being fully accepted and to that, being able to trust them to just…let go without any hindrance or reservations — that is the perfect foundation for some pretty great oral sex and intercourse.
See, even with all that I just said, it’s not really going to matter much if the two of you don’t have a strong connection — whether it’s physically or (preferably) holistically. So, if all of what I said doesn’t seem to work, take some steps back, so that you and he can get deeper into each other. Go on more dates. Do some more sharing with each other on a mental and emotional level. Kiss — long and passionately — to see if there is some serious stimulation there.
Two people who feel like they can’t get enough of each other before sex happens are two people who have a far greater chance of helping each other “see the mountaintop” once sex does go down. Oral sex included.
Now calm down and have some fun! I mean it.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.
When they met, Jason had just moved to Atlanta for a new job opportunity, and Elise was living happily in her career and had put dating on the backburner. But luckily, a mutual connection saw something in both of them and thanks to a yoga-themed baby shower and a chance text message, they found their forever. Check out their beautiful How We Met story below.
I’ll start with the easiest question. Can you both tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
Elise: Sure, my name is Elise. I’m actually from Atlanta, GA – not a transplant. I grew up here and left right after college to pursue my career. Now I’ve been back going on eight years, and I’m in my early 40s.
Jason: And I’m Jason. I’m originally from Racine, Wisconsin. I went to school at Florida A&M University, so I am a rattler. I went back to the Midwest for a period of time, in Indianapolis. Now, I’ve been in the Atlanta area for a little over two and a half years.
Jason and Elise Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Wow, that’s nice because Atlanta gets a bad rap when it comes to relationships. So you have to give us the deets. How did you two find each other?
Elise: So I work in TV and I was on-air for a number of years and then transitioned into being a producer and then a manager. As a producer, I’d always have guests on. And there was a woman who came on frequently named Rosalynn (@Rosalynndaniels, often referred to as The Black Martha Stewart), and we connected instantly. Anyway, she got pregnant right before COVID and invited me to a “modern-day yoga baby shower.” I came to support, but was also just curious about that theme.
I had an amazing time. And when it was over a few of us stuck around and convos got personal. She ended up asking me the infamous ‘Are you dating’ question. When I told her no, she decided to set me up. So I should tell you, in both of my only two serious relationships, I was set up – so I was like no.
But she pointed at her husband, who was folding up chairs, and said that another friend set her up with him. Sometimes, it takes people outside of us to see what we need. A few months later, she reached out and said she had family relocating and thought I’d really like him. So she gave him my number, and I reached out with a text. He responded with a call, and that night, we talked for about 2-3 hours. So that’s how we met. I was a little nervous because me and Rosalynn were starting a friendship, and here I was, talking to her family!
Jason: It was new for me too. Remember, I was new to the area, and I had heard so many “stories” about how people have been done wrong in the dating world. Whether it’s by theft or scamming (laughs). Plus, I had just got a new job and wanted to focus on that. But I did want to be able to date someone in a more personal way and see where it led. I felt like who better than someone who I trust to connect me. Rosalynn knows I’m private, about business life, and my personal life is important to me.
So let’s get into your courtship. What was your first date like?
Elise: We had our first convo on a Monday, and he asked me out the next day. I didn’t have any plans, but I still said no. I was just playing hard to get (laughs). But we were talking every day, and he told me he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been. And I’m like, you’re in my city! But he sends me three options, and sure enough, two of the places I hadn’t gone to. So, our first date was October 1, 2021, and somebody was 45 minutes late.
Now Jason, why were you 45 minutes late?
Elise: It was me – in my own city. I just got turned around, and the traffic was horrible. I kept calling him and giving him permission to leave. Full transparency: I probably wouldn’t have waited if the shoe was on the other foot. But this was my first sign of what I now know and love the most about him. It’s his patience. When I got there, I was frazzled and everything, but he was just super calm. It ended up being a great first date.
Jason: I remember just waiting and being concerned for her well-being. Because I know how traffic can be, especially when someone is rushing. I was just scrolling through my phone and looking through the menu. It was cool.
Elise and Jason Robinson
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That’s beautiful. Now let’s talk about the “what are we” convo? Did you have one of those and if so, who initiated it and how was it?
Elise: I initiated it. Jason was dating me – and still does. But by this time, we had been on a number of dates. We were on our way to a winery, and we had a bit of a drive. So I decided to state my intention. We were just a few weeks in, but we were spending a lot of time together and we are people of a particular age. So I told him, I know Atlanta can be a Black man’s playground. There’s so many beautiful professional women here. But I’m dating with intention. I don’t want to kick it or hang with a good guy even though he’s not my person. I was done with all of that. So I’m “laying down the law” in my eyes, and he didn’t flinch. He let me finish and basically let me know we were on the same page. He was not trying to sow his royal oats.
Jason: Yeah, I was not trying to be Prince Akeem. But also, it was more so about setting a tone and goal for myself. My mama always told me to set my goals. And having a family was always one of mine. I think the biggest thing of it all, was I felt blessed – in terms of moving for work and meeting Elise, now being married. There’s victories being placed in my life.
I love that you both shared that because sometimes I get feedback on these stories and it seems like sometimes we’re afraid to really voice what we desire, no matter what that looks like.
Elise: Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
Jason: I think her sharing those values resonated with me, and hearing her “lay down the law” was fine because I was there, too. I would say to millennial women, don’t be afraid to tell a mate what you want. You never know what that would lead to. Time is a precious commodity. Elise saying that early on showed me that she values both of our time. It showed her heart, character, and integrity, and I was drawn to that and the mature conversation. In the social media world, we don’t have those pointed conversations face-to-face. I would challenge readers to have those conversations in person, and you would get more from that convo than any post or reel. Because you see body language reactions and have deeper communication.
Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
You both have mentioned time, family, and integrity. I’m curious what other core values do you both share?
Elise: Early on, our faith. Not just do you believe in God. It had to be deeper in that. I needed someone who would lead me, our home, and our family. I didn’t want to be in a push-and-pull relationship about prayer, church, or have conversations about being better people. Also, we discussed finances. That doesn’t just mean going to work. We chatted about ownership and what it looks like for us. How do we support each other individually and together? I know I like having my hands in a few different pots, and I needed someone who was supportive of that and likewise.
Jason: My background is that I was raised in the church. My father is a deacon and my mom is a deaconess. They've been married for 55 years. Faith was very important to me and it was crucial that my wife have that relationship as well.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Can we talk about challenges? Big or small, what are some things you had to grow through together?
Elise: I have never lived with anyone – not a roommate, a sister, friend, boyfriend or anything. Now, I’m in my 40s and I'm living with someone. When you’ve been by yourself for so long that was a challenge for both of us. We weren’t pulling each other's hair out but I’m a bit extreme. Things are color-coded in my closet. For me, working in news is chaotic so I want my home to be peaceful and organized.
Jason: I’m a man, and she’s a woman. That dynamic alone adds a flair to it. She wants things a certain way. She’s a Capricorn. But just in terms of how she wants to keep a home was a big adjustment for me. It took time.
On a smaller level, what are some of the things you disagree about day-to-day?
Elise: Cleanliness and systems. Like, he recycles and I do not. But sometimes I just have to decide if it really needs to be a thing or if I can just take care of it.
Jason: This is where my organization takes over (laughs).
What are your love languages? Do you know?
Elise: Jason’s is an act of service which works because I love cooking for him. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me. I love when I’m out, picking up his favorite juice. The other day I saw he needed t-shirts while folding clothes. So I just like doing small things for him that he doesn’t expect. He’s very much that guy that will ask to help so it doesn’t bother me.
Jason: I’d say Elise is all of them, but physical touch would probably be the biggest one. I had to get used to that. She’s taught me it in a number of ways. I remember we actually talked about love languages, and I sent her this song called “More Than Words” by Extreme. That explained to her how I felt.
Finally, can we end with the proposal? Tell us everything!
Jason: It was at a restaurant. And again, I was trying to find somewhere she hadn’t been. Also, I didn’t want to do it on our anniversary because that would have been too obvious. I contacted one of the restaurant’s staff and decided to change up the dessert menu. Each item was something special to us.
Elise: We go on so many date nights, so I just thought it was a regular night. We had finished eating, and I had to go to the bathroom. They had a nice mirror, girl. So I’m in there taking videos and stuff.
Jason: While she’s in the restroom, I’m getting everything in place with the waitress.
Elise: So as I’m reading the menu, I realize it’s telling our story and he eventually proposed. It was so special; I actually had the menu framed! It was so beautiful and thoughtful.
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From Sipping Mocktails To Stretch Classes, This Cancun Resort Is A Wellness Paradise
My idea of the perfect vacation stay includes a clean, comfy room with stunning views, a variety of delicious food to eat, and an accommodating staff, and that’s exactly what I experienced when I visited the newly opened Hyatt Vivid Grand Island in Cancun, Quinta Roo, Mexico. It was my first time in the popular travel destination, and I was immediately enchanted by its beauty. I continued to revel in all of Cancun’s glory during my stay at Hyatt Vivid Grand Island, as it was designed as an indoor/ outdoor oasis.
When I first arrived at the all-inclusive adults-only resort, I was greeted with a tasty mocktail and received a tour of the facility. During the tour, I was blown away with every turn. The massive pool on the main level, the five restaurants, which we’ll get to later, and the extensive rooftop pool, which is the longest rooftop pool in Cancun. And with a rooftop comes views, and Hyatt Vivid didn’t disappoint. It’s situated between the Nichupté Lagoon and the Caribbean Ocean, which means guests get double the water views.
I was even more excited about the view from my room. My room overlooked Nichupté Lagoon, and throughout my stay, I would find myself being pulled to take in the view from my balcony or just sit and relax with a good book. The room itself was modern and spacious. The bathroom was a standout, thanks to the grand mirror that hits you when you first walk in and the roomy shower with two waterfall shower heads.
Bedroom
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Bathroom
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Food
If you’re a foodie like me, you’re in luck. Hyatt Vivid Grand Island has five restaurants, a taco truck, a café, and several bars. The first night, I had dinner at their Italian restaurant, Agilo. While I tried many dishes, my favorite was a pasta dish that had a nice kick to it. The next night, I tried their French restaurant, Le Lys, and enjoyed onion soup and ratatouille. But the grand finale was Oishii, a Japanese restaurant that turned out to be my favorite food experience during my whole trip.
The food was excellent, but the presentation for each course was even more exciting. I had a seven-course dinner that included a rack of lamb and mushroom dumplings, and I tried octopus for the first time. The resort is also very accommodating about food allergies and restrictions, which is helpful to those who want to have a stress-free time and not worry about whether what they eat will make them sick.
Octopus
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Rack of lamb
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Activities
As tempting as it is to stay in the room and melt into the cushy mattress, Cancun is all about fun in the sun, and there were many activities to accomplish that. My second day there was mostly spent at the resort’s beach club. It had a couple of pools, cabanas, a full-service bar, and a restaurant that sits right on the beach. As I sipped my many mocktails, I was embraced by the sun’s warmth and immersed in the scenic views of the turquoise waters the Caribbean Ocean is known for.
That morning, I participated in their stretch class that took place on their rooftop. It was a nice way to wake up the body while also being surrounded by 360-degree views of the coastal town. They offer many other activities on-site, including bracelet making, water aerobics, Black Jack, karaoke, and much more. If you’re looking for something a little more relaxed, then you can check out the spa, which offers a range of facials and massages. It did rain on and off during the trip, which made spa day the perfect activity as well.
Rooftop Pool
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Stretch Class
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Beach Club
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Overall, my first time in Cancun was amazing. I met some awesome people, ate some great food, and walked away with a beautiful memory and a tan.
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