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Make This Your Best NYE. For Sex. EVER.

15 ways to ring in the new year...the best way we know how.

Sex

With 2020 being…the way it has been, I'm pretty sure that you don't have any big out-of-the-house plans for New Year's Eve. I get that is kind of a bummer too. But girl, if you've got a man to ring the new year in with, you've got a party in your house. You just don't know it yet.

This piece? It's all about how to enjoy some really, really, REALLY good NYE sex. I'm talking about the kind that will make you never head out to a restaurant or club on December 31 again because—nothing can be more awesome than what's going on in your bedroom (or wherever you decide to do all of this stuff). Are you ready to get inspired to celebrate on a whole 'nother level?

1. Create a Foreplay List

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Something that can be a sexually intriguing ice breaker is for you and your partner to individually put together a foreplay list on the eve of New Year's Eve. Literally sit down and think about 10 things that each of you sexually enjoy when it comes to the act of foreplay. Then share it with your partner before NYE officially rolls around. Mutually agree that the person who is able to recall the most things on the other's list, strictly by memory, over the course of the day, earns some sort of prize. The prize is totally up to the two of you. Maybe the "loser" prepares dinner. Perhaps the loser has to pamper the other for the rest of the day. Extra money from the loser could go into the sex jar (check out "5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar"). Whatever it is, it still needs to be something that will ultimately benefit the both of you in the long run. However, the purpose of this "game" is to remind you both that your separate foreplay wants and needs should be kept in the forefront of each other's minds. Starting with checking everything off of the list on New Year's Eve.

2. Commit to Some Outercourse, a Quickie and Intercourse

If you're really about making New Year's Eve a time to remember, who said that you had to wait until after the sun sets (which this year, feels like it happens right around noon, y'all)? If you're going to be off work and/or at home all day long, string all of the sexual activity out—kind of like you would a full course meal.

Start with some outercourse. What the heck is that? Back when I was in high school, the intense version of it was called dry humping. Long story short, it's any kind of sexual activity that doesn't involve any form of penetration (well, except for tongues going into mouths). It can be kissing, cuddling, giving each other a massage or yeah, rubbing on each other to the point of almost experiencing an orgasm…shoot, maybe even to the point of actually having one. Why do some people enjoy this? One, it's a great form of foreplay and two, it can build up all kinds of anticipation, so that once penetration—of any form—goes down, folks are more than just a little excited to oblige.

A quickie is cool if you wake up horny on NYE or you want to give each other a "preview" of what's to come later on. Plus, if you're both able to climax from having one, that can make intercourse later on almost like the 90s R&B songs talk about when they refer to having sex all night long (girrrl…).

And finally intercourse. You're grown. You know what to do. But if you're looking for a few hacks to set this mutha all the way off right this year, check out "15 Sex Hacks To Take Your Bedroom Action To The Next Level", "10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently", "How To Have Mind-Blowing Multiple Orgasms. Tonight, Chile.", "Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream" and "What Is A Super Orgasm & How Can I Have One?".

3. Pile Up on Some Lube and Condoms (Ribbed Condoms, That Is)

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The wetter, the better. There really is no other way to drive this particular point home than to say that. And the easiest way to make things wetter is—well first, drink more water and then—use some lubrication. While yes, the main purpose of lube is to make you and your partner more "slippery" so that intercourse is that much more comfortable and stimulating, don't underestimate the power that comes from placing it on other parts of each other's body's too. By dabbing some on the lobes of your ears, the back of your neck or the inside of your thighs, it can also help to intensify the desire for…more action. Your best bet is to go with a lubricant that is warming or tingly. Some brands that are right up the alley are listed here.

As far as condoms go, we all know that they help to prevent an undesired pregnancy or an STD. Folks who don't want either know that they need to use them. That said, though, even if you've been "going raw" with your partner for a while now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't bring a condom into the mix every once in a while; ribbed ones, to be specific. They have a way of making the friction that comes from intercourse way more pleasurable; especially if there's some lubricant on them. The best ribbed rubbers that are currently on the market can be found here.

4. Get a Stability Ball

What the heck is a stability ball? At the end of the day, it's basically the same thing as an exercise one. And why should you incorporate it into your sex life? Well, aside from it being able to help you to strengthen your core (I'm playing and serious at the same time), you have never experienced doggy style like you will once you've extended your body across a ball first. It can be a cool way to do cowgirl too. Not only does a stability ball bring a twist into classic sex positions, but it can always be a lot of fun as well. Think of it as playing a round of Twister, only the circles on the mat are real balls instead. And since laughter makes anything in life better (so long as you're laughing with one another and not at one another)…now do you see why you should make a Target run and pick one up real quick?

5. Cop a Vibrating Penis Ring Too

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Are sex toys totally your thing? If so, something that's a pretty big sex trend right now are couples sex toys. Those are ones that both you and your partner can enjoy at the same time. On top of the list of faves is a vibrating penis ring. It's basically a ring that your partner puts on the shaft of his penis and, when it vibrates, you hop on so that it can stimulate your clitoris at the same time. I did a little investigating on this toy and folks have said that it was the best sex toy purchase that they have ever made. Just putting that out there. #wink

6. String Some Lights

Back in my sexually active days, I had a few partners who used to enjoy watching me perform fellatio on them. While I didn't mind that in the least, let me tell you what did get on my very last nerve—that flashlight that they would put in my face. UGH. That's why I'm such a fan of sex, including the right kind of lighting. During this time of year, a lighting technique that I really like are string lights. They are so romantic and have a way of providing a winter wonderland-like vibe. Target, Walmart, Lowes—these are just some of the stores that carry them. I also found some on Wayfair's site that I really like because you can string them from the ceiling to the floor and then come in the soft hue of blue. You can cop those specific ones here.

7. Dance Together. Naked.

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Question. When's the last time that you and your partner danced together? If you can't remember, think back to some of your favorite rom-coms that had intimate dance scenes in them. Didn't they make you feel all warm 'n fuzzy inside? Actually, there is something to that.

There are marriage therapists who will literally "prescribe" that couples in trouble dance more because it's fun, it's a way to experience non-verbal communication and it's super sensual too. OK, but since we're talking about how to get some good-good going, why not turn on some of your favorite slow jams, take off all of your clothes and slow grind naked? It's like outercourse 2.0 because it's flirty, intense and the kind of edging that can help you and yours to physically and emotionally connect in a really sexy and arousing—all without saying a single word.

8. “Play Your Part”

Anyone who was able to survive a year like 2020, especially with their relationship intact, they deserve a round of stimulus checks (and then some)! And since New Year's Eve is a traditional time for toasting, definitely make sure that you and your partner toast each other. Although champagne is typically the signature drink for this particular occasion, if you want to try something new, how about playing your part? Believe it or not, Play Your Part is an alcoholic cocktail that is considered to be an aphrodisiac too, thanks to the chocolate (it contains compounds that elevate sexual arousal) and pomegranate (it increases testosterone levels by around 30 percent) liqueur. There is some strawberry puree and honey in the recipe to make things extra off the chain. If you want to test it out this year, the steps for making it are provided right here.

9. Serve Up a Condiments-Only Dessert

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Oral sex. Be honest—can there be great sex without it? Whether you decide to have an elaborate NYE meal or just split a pizza, make sure to make room for dessert—and make sure that the dessert is the two of you. You don't need much. Just get yourself some sweet tasting condiments like chocolate syrup, caramel, honey, whipped cream and maybe some puree of a favorite fruit. Place these, first on each other's erogenous zones, then on your genitals, being sure to lick the marked spots off along the way. If this doesn't get you especially hot 'n bothered, I'm not sure what will, chile.

10. Gargle Some Cold Minty Mouthwash

Speaking of oral, a particular hack that I promise you is a real game-changer is making sure you've got some cold minty mouthwash in your mouth before performing fellatio. If you hate going down, it can make the experience much more pleasant (especially if your partner happens to be, what I call, a lava lamp; you can read more about those here). Yet even if you really enjoy giving head, you'll like it even more because the menthol in the mouthwash will give your partner a tingly sensation that is truly unmatched for you both. If the mouthwash is cold, the unexpected temperature will take the experience up even a few more notches. Whew-whee!

(Put your mouthwash in the freezer about 30 minutes before you plan on hooking your partner up.)

11. Wear Some Pearls (and/or a Necktie)

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If you've got a pearl necklace somewhere in your house, blow your partner's mind by wrapping it around the shaft of his penis. Not tightly; just enough to provide a unique sensation as you rub your hands up and down the necklace. It can really go next-level if you apply some lube to his penis first. He won't see it coming (no pun intended). Speaking of around-the-house-make-shift-sex toys, it's a good idea to bring a necktie into the equation too. You can tie each other's wrists together with it and well—I'll let your imagination take it from there.

12. Try Some Paper Clips

It wasn't until I saw the movie 50 Shades of Grey that I even got the concept of how "clamps" actually work. And while it's personally a hard pass for me, if you'd like to explore what a nipple clamp would feel like but you're not ready to commit to actually purchasing some, paper clips are a cool and cheap alternative. Make sure they're metal, medium or large in size and that you put them in the freezer first. Then slide one onto your nipple (or his) and quickly pull it off. Report back if it stimulated you in any way. (I'm curious.)

13. Be His “Snow Angel”

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On the eve of a new year, it only makes sense to introduce a new sex position into your repertoire, right? Personally, considering the time of year that NYE falls on, I thought that it would only be fitting to shout-out the snow angel sex position. It's basically like 69 except there's intercourse involved. Basically, while on your back, have your head facing your headboard and his facing the end of the bed while on top of you. Wrap your legs around his back and grab his butt to help him control how deeply he penetrates you. Since 70 percent of women have trouble achieving a vaginal orgasm without clitoral stimulation, this is one of the best ways to make that "goal" happen.

14. Offer Climax “Instructions”

It really is crazy, the kind of things that can remain in your head (and pop up outta the blue at times). Take the movieStrictly Business (Halle Berry, Tommy Davidson, Joseph C. Phillips) that came out in the very early 90s. Waymon (Joseph's character) was dating a woman, Diedre (played by Ann-Marie Johnson) who was annoying AF in bed. Why? Because she wasn't a dirty talker; she was a dictator—"Up! Down! Left! Right!" Awful. Anyway, this scene popped up in my head again because, when I say that a key to hot sex is to offer up climax instructions, I'm not talking about what Diedre's crazy ass was doing. What I mean is, the sounds that we make during sex (check out "Ever Wonder What The Sounds You Make During Sex Mean?"), along with the tone of our voice and the words that we say can be just as much of a turn-on as how we touch our partner.

And there is nothing like being your partner's "cheerleader" by encouraging him, not only to orgasm but telling him where and how you'd like him to do it. Do you want him to cum in you? Do you want him to slow down or speed up so that you can come together? I could keep going but I think you get my drift. There is something about hearing the word "cum", period, that incites arousal in a lot of us. Say it more this NYE. Watch what happens—and where—when you do.

15. Make a New Sex Resolution for the New Year

I can't help but to roll my eyes at married couples who only have the kind of sex that I just shared with you on "special occasions". Like really, what in the world? Isn't staying married enough of a reason to celebrate, on any given day of the week? I think a part of the challenge is holidays, birthdays and anniversaries give us the chance to plan in ways that a regular Thursday or Friday doesn't. So…make a sex plan. While you're in the bask of afterglow talk about the kind of sex you want to have more of in 2021. While I'm not big on resolutions, I will make an exception when it comes to sex because sex goals aren't made, nearly enough.

And to decide to make plans to have some hot, kinky, constant sex? How can that not make you excited about entering a whole new year?

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You may not know her by Elisabeth Ovesen – writer and host of the love, sex and relationships advice podcast Asking for a Friend. But you definitely know her other alter ego, Karrine Steffans, the New York Times best-selling author who lit up the literary and entertainment world when she released what she called a “tell some” memoir, Confessions of a Video Vixen.

Her 2005 barn-burning book gave an inside look at the seemingly glamorous world of being a video vixen in the ‘90s and early 2000s, and exposed the industry’s culture of abuse, intimidation, and misogyny years before the Me Too Movement hit the mainstream. Her follow-up books, The Vixen Diaries (2007) and The Vixen Manual: How To Find, Seduce And Keep The Man You Want (2009) all topped the New York Times best-seller list. After a long social media break, she's back. xoNecole caught up with Ovesen about the impact of her groundbreaking book, what life is like for her now, and why she was never “before her time”– everyone else was just late to the revolution.

xoNecole: Tell me about your new podcast Asking for a Friend with Elisabeth Ovesen and how that came about.

Elisabeth Ovesen: I have a friend who is over [at Blavity] and he just asked me if I wanted to do something with him. And that's just kinda how it happened. It wasn't like some big master plan. Somebody over there was like, “Hey, we need content. We want to do this podcast. Can you do it?” And I was like, “Sure.” And that's that. That was around the holidays and so we started working on it.

xoNecole: Your life and work seem incredibly different from when you first broke out on the scene. Can you talk a bit about the change in your career and how your life is now?

EO: Not that different. I mean my life is very different, of course, but my work isn't really that different. My life is different, of course, because I'm 43. My career started when I was in my 20s, so we're looking at almost 20 years since the beginning of my career. So, naturally life has changed a lot since then.

I don’t think my career has changed a whole lot – not as far as my writing is concerned, and my stream of consciousness with my writing, and my concerns and the subject matter hasn’t changed much. I've always written about interpersonal relationships, sexual shame, male ego fragility, respectability politics – things like that. I always put myself in the center of that to make those points, which I think were greatly missed when I first started writing. I think that society has changed quite a bit. People are more aware. People tell me a lot that I have always been “before my time.” I was writing about things before other people were talking about that; I was concerned about things before my generation seemed to be concerned about things. I wasn't “before my time.” I think it just seems that way to people who are late to the revolution, you know what I mean?

I retired from publishing in 2015, which was always the plan to do 10 years and retire. I was retired from my pen name and just from the business in general in 2015, I could focus on my business, my education and other things, my family. I came back to writing in 2020 over at Medium. The same friend that got me into the podcast, actually as the vice president of content over at Medium and was like, “Hey, we need some content.” I guess I’m his go-to content creator.

xoNecole: Can you expound on why you went back to your birth name versus your stage name?

EO: No, it was nothing to expound upon. I mean, writers have pen names. That’s like asking Diddy, why did he go by Sean? I didn't go back. I've always used that. Nobody was paying attention. I've never not been myself. Karrine Steffans wrote a certain kind of book for a certain kind of audience. She was invented for the urban audience, particularly. She was never meant to live more than 10 years. I have other pen names as well. I write under several names. So, the other ones are just nobody's business right now. Different pen names write different things. And Elisabeth isn’t my real name either. So you'll never know who I really am and you’ll never know what my real name is, because part of being a writer is, for me at least, keeping some sort of anonymity. Anything I do in entertainment is going to amass quite a bit because who I am as a person in my private life isn't the same a lot of times as who I am publicly.

xoNecole: I want to go back to when you published Confessions of a Video Vixen. We are now in this time where people are reevaluating how the media mistreated women in the spotlight in the 2000s, namely women like Britney Spears. So I’d be interested to hear how you feel about that period of your life and how you were treated by the media?

EO: What I said earlier. I think that much of society has evolved quite a bit. When you look back at that time, it was actually shocking how old-fashioned the thinking still was. How women were still treated and how they're still treated now. I mean, it hasn't changed completely. I think that especially for the audience, I think it was shocking for them to see a woman – a woman of color – not be sexually ashamed.

I hate being like other people. I don't want to do what anyone else is doing. I can't conform. I will not conform. I think in 2005 when Confessions was published, that attitude, especially about sex, was very upsetting. Number one, it was upsetting to the men, especially within urban and hip-hop culture, which is built on misogyny and thrives off of it to this day. And the women who protect these men, I think, you know, addressing a demographic that is rooted in trauma that is rooted in sexual shame, trauma, slavery of all kinds, including slavery of the mind – I think it triggered a lot of people to see a Black woman be free in this way.

I think it said a lot about the people who were upset by it. And then there were some in “crossover media,” a lot of white folks were upset too, not gonna lie. But to see it from Black women – Tyra Banks was really upset [when she interviewed me about Confessions in 2005]. Oprah wasn't mad [when she interviewed me]. As long as Oprah wasn’t mad, I was good. I didn't care what anybody else had to say. Oprah was amazing. So, watching Black women defend men, and Black women who had a platform, defend the sexual blackmailing of men: “If you don't do this with me, you won't get this job”; “If you don't do this in my trailer, you're going to have to leave the set”– these are things that I dealt with.

I just happened to be the kind of woman who, because I was a single mother raising my child all by myself and never got any help at all – which I still don't. Like, I'm 24 in college – not a cheap college either – one of the best colleges in the country, and I'm still taking care of him all by myself as a 21-year-old, 20-year-old, young, single mother with no family and no support – I wasn’t about to say no to something that could help me feed my son for a month or two or three.

xoNecole: We are in this post-Me Too climate where women in Hollywood have come forward to talk about the powerful men who have abused them. In the music industry in particular, it seems nearly impossible for any substantive change or movement to take place within music. It's only now after three decades of allegations that R. Kelly has finally been convicted and other men like Russell Simmons continue to roam free despite the multiple allegations against him. Why do you think it's hard for the music industry to face its reckoning?

EO: That's not the music industry, that's urban music. That’s just Black folks who make music and nobody cares about that. That's the thing; nobody cares...Nobody cares. It's not the music industry. It's just an "urban" thing. And when I say "urban," I say that in quotations. Literally, it’s a Black thing, where nobody gives a shit what Black people do to Black people. And Russell didn't go on unchecked, he just had enough money to keep it quiet. But you know, anytime you're dealing with Black women being disrespected, especially by Black men, nobody gives a shit.

And Black people don't police themselves so it doesn't matter. Why should anybody care? And Black women don't care. They'll buy an R. Kelly album right now. They’ll stream that shit right now. They don’t care. So, nobody cares. Nobody cares. And if you're not going to police yourself, then nobody's ever going to care.

xoNecole: Do you have any regrets about anything you wrote or perhaps something you may have omitted?

EO: Absolutely not. No. There's nothing that I wish I would've gone back and said to myself, no. I don’t think at 20-something years old, I'm supposed to understand every little thing. I don't think the 20-something-year-old woman is supposed to understand the world and know exactly what she's doing. I think that one of my biggest regrets, which isn't my regret, but a regret, is that I didn't have better parents. Because a 20-something only knows what she knows based on what she’s seen and what she’s been taught and what she’s told. I had shitty parents and a horrible family. Just terrible. These people had no business having children. None of them. And a lot of our families are like that. And we may pass down those familial curses.

*This interview has been edited and condensed

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